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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no one really trusts their partner 100%

247 replies

anxietyaunt · 06/08/2020 09:20

I don’t think I’m a particularly suspicious person but I don’t think anyone can ever really trust anyone, let alone a partner, 100% in life. It doesn’t mean you can’t give the benefit of the doubt, but I think given there are moments we can’t even really trust ourselves it would be naive to believe we can trust another person.

Nothing in particular has sparked this. Just curious to know what others think. AIBU.

OP posts:
Anotherdayanotherdollar · 07/08/2020 12:31

lynsey91 how do you know nothing will happen to change that?? Any number of things could happen that would change the other person and they might not turn out to be the person you know and love. And trust.

whistlestopsong · 07/08/2020 12:34

I trust my immediate family 100%.

DP of many many years - not 100%. He's not the 'type' at all, but I don't think anyone is infallible to cheating.

FloreanFortescue · 07/08/2020 14:21

100% and then some. He's earned it.

gogorogo · 07/08/2020 15:34

We live in a work where people cheat, steal, abuse & murder & most of the time they don't have flashing lights advertising that fact above their head. Hence why I would never blindly trust anyone 100%.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 07/08/2020 15:50

Georgina on page 1 has made an excellent post, sums it up completely.

Trust is a choice. It's not necessarily being blind. You can choose to trust because that's the way you want to live your life and you want to show your partner that you love and think highly of them.

It doesn't mean that you are stupid or unaware that the most unexpected things can happen but until they do, you choose to believe the best. Hopefully you will never be let down, but I think it's quite healthy to have a little self awareness about the possibility.

BoyTree · 07/08/2020 16:00

For the 100%-ers - does this include if your child disclosed abuse for example? I could never say 100%, because if my kids said anything like that about my husband, we'd be out of there like a shot and ask question later.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2020 16:06

Well I trust him 100% at this moment in time, whilst aware that people change and life happens. I think there's a difference between basically trusting your partner and assuming he won't cheat but knowing nothing in life is guaranteed bar death, and assuming that given the chance, everyone cheats and will get you which is Def the attitude on some attitudes where partners cannot be alone with other women incase their penis gets over excited

SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2020 16:09

does this include if your child disclosed abuse for example that's not the same though. I'd Mary someone I thought 99% wouldn't cheat on me but I wouldn't marry someone I THOUGHT there was a 1% chance would abuse our kids. So I trust DH 100% not to abuse our sons but I wouldn't ignore evidence to the contrary.

joystir59 · 07/08/2020 16:11

Trusted my wife with my life. That's true marriage.

thisstooshallpass · 07/08/2020 16:24

@ScorpioSphinxInACalicoDress

I presume you mean infidelity?

I don't trust dp to clean the lav like I do, no. I don't trust him to think in the supermarket "oh that looks nice, we'll try it"

I trust him with my life and my daughter's though.

Infidelity- I don't think about it. Truly.

Exactly this.
Hoggleludo · 07/08/2020 16:27

Hand on my heart. I trust my husband 100000%

Mittens030869 · 07/08/2020 16:33

does this include if your child disclosed abuse for example

that's not the same though. I'd Mary someone I thought 99% wouldn't cheat on me but I wouldn't marry someone I THOUGHT there was a 1% chance would abuse our kids. So I trust DH 100% not to abuse our sons but I wouldn't ignore evidence to the contrary.

That's the best anyone can say. My DSis and I went through SA at the hands of our F, but I do trust my DH and she trusts my BIL. They're both lovely and loyal men and they have supported us through very difficult times. There's absolutely no reason to think that they're not what they seem.

That wasn't the case with our F, there were plenty of red flags, but my DM just didn't see them, she just saw it as being a result of his illness (he had Parkinson's Disease) or his medication.

IfNotNowThen2 · 07/08/2020 16:44

100%???
Nah
75% max, and that's pretty good odds for me. He's a slippery fucker when all's said and done Grin
I do love him, but anyone who trusts 100% is in for a shock at some point.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/08/2020 17:09

@IfNotNowThen2

100%??? Nah 75% max, and that's pretty good odds for me. He's a slippery fucker when all's said and done Grin I do love him, but anyone who trusts 100% is in for a shock at some point.
Except there isn't infidelity in every marriage and otay well the the trusting wife who is unfaithful
IceCreamSummer20 · 07/08/2020 17:25

I wouldn’t trust my Ex with our child’s life. If our child was in clear mortal danger - like someone with a gun then I’m sure he would jump in and be a hero. However he is really lax about every day safety, and that is where most of the danger is!

IceCreamSummer20 · 07/08/2020 17:28

I would disagree with this to some extent Trust is a choice. I can no longer trust any future partners 100% as my previous experience was so shocking - I was with someone so ‘decent’ and ‘trustworthy’ - that my brain will not let me completely trust a man again.

However how I behave is a choice. I will not put my future partners through the mill and demand I know all their movements, and cheat myself because they might or whatever. I will choose to act decently towards them and hopefully come to a level of acceptable trust.

RyanBergarasTeeth · 07/08/2020 17:32

I dont trust my dp. Hes lied and been unfaithful a few times so the trust will forever be gone. Im always suspicious now. However before he broke my trust i did trust him 100% and learned a harsh lesson.

HeyAsdaIAintGonBeYourBitch · 07/08/2020 17:34

Nope! Absolutely not.

I secretly hope I sound brooding and mysterious when I say this Grin, but it is also true; I don't trust anyone 100%. Not my dcs, not my parents, good lord not my siblings and not my partner.

It doesn't mean I'm constantly suspicious or that I expect them to do something awful. It is just human nature. You don't know what someone who isn't you will do. Hell, I don't know what I'm going to do sometimes!

So, YANBU.

If this is really about infidelity, then, I've seen so many marriage breakdowns as result of infidelity. No I would never put my faith 100% in anyone that they would never stray or that they would never stray with my dp!

RyanBergarasTeeth · 07/08/2020 17:34

100%???
Nah
75% max, and that's pretty good odds for me. He's a slippery fucker when all's said and done grin
I do love him, but anyone who trusts 100% is in for a shock at some point.

My thoughts summed up lol.

TwilightPeace · 07/08/2020 17:45

It doesn't mean I'm constantly suspicious or that I expect them to do something awful. It is just human nature. You don't know what someone who isn't you will do. Hell, I don't know what I'm going to do sometimes!

I agree. A pp said trust is a choice. Yes, of course you can place your trust in someone. Doesn’t mean they won’t screw you over.

Mittens030869 · 07/08/2020 18:04

Basically, I just find myself thinking about my DM, now 80 and devastated to learn that her marriage was a lie. She's a tough and very intelligent woman (she has a PhD now). Yes there were signs that she missed that my F wasn't who he presented himself to be. But we don't live our lives in hindsight.

If she could get it so wrong, then any one of us could too.

Having said that, I enjoy my marriage with my DH and my DDs. I like to think that my experiences mean that I'm a reasonable judge of character. Beyond that, I won't spend my days looking for reasons not to trust him, because life is too short.

Ishihtzuknot · 07/08/2020 18:26

I agree, I don’t trust very many people and the ones I do trust I’m cautious of as anyone can betray or hurt you at any moment, you can’t prevent that. One of the people that I did trust has recently let me down hugely, but I wasn’t shocked or hurt as I don’t expect much of anyone and understand that people change/do bad things.
It’s one of the reasons I have stayed a single mum for so many years, it’s just not worth the risk to me I’ve been cheated on a lot so I’d always be on edge expecting it to happen again, ruining any relationship in the process.

IfNotNowThen2 · 07/08/2020 18:50

Except there isn't infidelity in every marriage and otay well the the trusting wife who is unfaithful
Oh, I wasn't just thinking about infidelity. Men can get up to all sorts. Where did all this " he's my soulmate and best friend" thing about husbands come from anyway?When I was a girl women had their best friends, their female cousins who had their back, and they kept a beady eye on their men!
My granddad was a lovely man, but my Nan would have thought you were crackers if you'd asked if she trusted him 100/%Grin

managedmis · 07/08/2020 18:52

IMHO, the vast majority of men would cheat if they got the chance. I'd say 97%.

Ultimatecougar · 07/08/2020 22:08

@managedmis I agree. I think men are only as faithful as their opportunities.

I do think that some men wouldn't actively seek out infidelity, but put the opportunity in their lap with a good chance of getting away with it and most wouldn't turn it down.

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