To say no one really trusts their partner 100%

[anxietyaunt]

I don’t think I’m a particularly suspicious person but I don’t think anyone can ever really trust anyone, let alone a partner, 100% in life. It doesn’t mean you can’t give the benefit of the doubt, but I think given there are moments we can’t even really trust ourselves it would be naive to believe we can trust another person.

Nothing in particular has sparked this. Just curious to know what others think. AIBU.

Does anyone go into a relationship expecting their partner to cheat/steal/whatever?

Yet it still happens all the time.

I trust my partner as much as I trust anyone, myself included. It's more like 99% though.

I find it bizarre that what ‘trust’ is code for on this thread is ‘not fucking other people’, rather than ‘not drink-driving’, ‘not fiddling his taxes’, ‘not declaring suddenly he’s decided to enter a monastery’etc.

Or indeed trusts them to do their fair share of housework, childcare, life admin, which seems a pretty rare proposition judging by Mn posts.

I find it bizarre that what ‘trust’ is code for on this thread is ‘not fucking other people’

Yep my DH is very unlikely to cheat but can I trust him not to finish the left over pizza? Nope

I dont trust anyone. Not even myself. I couldn't even say who I trust the most, probably SIL tbh

@RedNun

I find it bizarre that what ‘trust’ is code for on this thread is ‘not fucking other people’, rather than ‘not drink-driving’, ‘not fiddling his taxes’, ‘not declaring suddenly he’s decided to enter a monastery’etc.

No, for me it’s all those things and more.

Hmmmm. I think you’re probably right. I trust DP 99.9% but in the right circumstances, say our relationship was teetering on the brink of break up then yep, he could certainly cheat, as could I.

@CloudsCanLookLikeSheep

I trust my partner 100% and he me

We've never cheated and never will

Sorry you won't ever get to experience this.

But you can't say with 100% certainty that it won't happen because you don't know! People change and feelings change whether you like it or not, possibly due to stress, depression, mental breakdown, acquired injury, long term illness etc. And sometimes these things just happen!

So many posters coming up with the old chestnuts of oh we were are all human and oh we can all make mistakes.

Being unfaithful is NOT a bloody mistake. You don't suddenly find yourself in bed with someone else and not know how you got there or how your clothes removed themselves. You make that choice.

Some of us would never ever in a million years be unfaithful. I am one of those people and so is my DH.

I believe strongly in marriage. I meant every word of the vows I took and I believe infidelity it totally and utterly wrong. Morally sickening.

Can I make it any clearer?

I would never betray the trust my DH has in me or treat him with such utter disrespect by being unfaithful.

I do trust my DH 100%. I do know for certain he would never be unfaithful. I know because his morals are the same as mine. We have been married 40 years and I have never ever doubted him.

I am not naive or gullible or stupid or any of the other insults thrown at any poster who says they trust their OH. I certainly do not agree that everyone is capable of being unfaithful. In theory everyone is capable but many people just never would.

Yes we are human and that means we can think about our actions. We can think that being unfaithful is totally wrong and therefore never do it. We can also have strong morals which, sadly, many seem to lack

@lynsey91

So many posters coming up with the old chestnuts of oh we were are all human and oh we can all make mistakes.

Being unfaithful is NOT a bloody mistake. You don't suddenly find yourself in bed with someone else and not know how you got there or how your clothes removed themselves. You make that choice.

Some of us would never ever in a million years be unfaithful. I am one of those people and so is my DH.

I believe strongly in marriage. I meant every word of the vows I took and I believe infidelity it totally and utterly wrong. Morally sickening.

Can I make it any clearer?

I would never betray the trust my DH has in me or treat him with such utter disrespect by being unfaithful.

I do trust my DH 100%. I do know for certain he would never be unfaithful. I know because his morals are the same as mine. We have been married 40 years and I have never ever doubted him.

I am not naive or gullible or stupid or any of the other insults thrown at any poster who says they trust their OH. I certainly do not agree that everyone is capable of being unfaithful. In theory everyone is capable but many people just never would.

Yes we are human and that means we can think about our actions. We can think that being unfaithful is totally wrong and therefore never do it. We can also have strong morals which, sadly, many seem to lack

Absolutely.

So interesting that it’s about 50/50 on the vote. I trust DH 100% to be faithful, and I’ve had previous cheaters in relationships so not naive. But could I say I trust him 100% not to hurt me? I trust my friends more with my heart in terms of them always supporting me etc - DH is more critical and as a result I don’t completely trust him to have my back. That said, I am more critical of him than I am of my friends so fair do’s!

I think trust is fluid though and depends on behaviour. You may trust your partner now but you can’t 100% say what will happen in years to come.

I trust my fiance 100%. I trust him far more than for example my brother who I would probably trust 90%. My best friend I trust 99.9%. Other people I trust up to a point. But I struggle to trust due to abuse.

@CloudsCanLookLikeSheep

I trust my partner 100% and he me

We've never cheated and never will

Sorry you won't ever get to experience this.

You can't ever know this empirically. You just can't.

And while I admire you for feeling quiet joy and pride at the quality of your marriage, a degree of public self-restraint would be advisable. Its a) not terribly sensitive and considerate to be so smug towards other people who have not had your luck to date and b) somewhat tempting fate to be so brazenly confident about something over which you ultimately don't have control.

Tbh I'm really shocked at how many people are absolutely sure that their partner will never cheat. You can't possibly know for sure.

My DH really is a good guy. Anyone who knows him would say "no he would never cheat on his wife, he's not that type, he adores her" etc. I don't think that he would and trust him in the sense that I don't ever suspect he's cheating, don't check his phone, don't get jealous of him spending time with other women or any of that stuff. He's also very sensible with money, devoted to me and the kids, not impulsive and he's very family orientated and responsible. So I don't forsee him hurting me in any other way. But I don't truly know what is going on in his head, I don't know he won't ever change, he could have some sort of midlife crisis. Maybe one day his feelings for me could change and he might fall out of love with me. I can't be absolutely sure and I think I'd be a complete fool to think I could be. He would be a fool to trust me 100% as well, I know how I feel about him now but I can't be certain that I will always feel that way. We are very much happily married and our relationship is great. But we're not deluded, we are realistic.

MynephewR, of course dh would be foolish to trust that I might never fall out of love with him, or that I might never fall in love with somebody else. (Less likely as the years go by, of course)

But after nearly 40 years of knowing me as an upright, honourable person I think what he can trust is that if that happened, I would not cheat, I would not lie, I would tell him how things stood and ask for a divorce.

I trust the same of him. In nearly 40 years, during sometimes very difficult times, I have never known him to take the easier and dishonourable way, he has always chosen the above board, even when that has made life very hard.

@corythatwas

MynephewR, of course dh would be foolish to trust that I might never fall out of love with him, or that I might never fall in love with somebody else. (Less likely as the years go by, of course)

But after nearly 40 years of knowing me as an upright, honourable person I think what he can trust is that if that happened, I would not cheat, I would not lie, I would tell him how things stood and ask for a divorce.

I trust the same of him. In nearly 40 years, during sometimes very difficult times, I have never known him to take the easier and dishonourable way, he has always chosen the above board, even when that has made life very hard.

That's a reasonable trust expectation. I think if you've known someone that long and they have established a pattern of behaviour which shows they place a huge value on trust and transparency its reasonable to say you trust them to act honourably in all outcomes.

But there are tons of people popping up here saying: "my husband would never cheat, I'd stake my life on it". With the clear implication that anyone who has less than 100% trust somehow has lower standards.

I would respectfully suggest to these people that marriage and divorce statistics show they can't all be right.

*I trust my partner 100% and he me

We've never cheated and never will

Sorry you won't ever get to experience this*

We have experienced it. Almost everyone does. Until it happens.

But there are tons of people popping up here saying: "my husband would never cheat, I'd stake my life on it". With the clear implication that anyone who has less than 100% trust somehow has lower standards.
Exactly! This is what I'm shocked about. Many pp's so sure that their partner would never cheat and feeling sorry for those who just prefer to be a bit more realistic. Including this little gem..
I trust my partner 100% and he me. We've never cheated and never will. Sorry you won't ever get to experience this.
This is just ridiculous. Your DH could have been shagging about behind your back for years and if you found out then not only would you feel incredibly hurt but you would also have to deal with the embarrassment of being so smug and the shock because you didn't think it possible for him to that to you. You do realise that there isn't some "my DH loves me more than your DH loves you" competition 😂

YABVVU. I trust him 100% and I'd like to think he does the same.

@Delatron what might happen in years to come? Someone suddenly loses their morals? Someone who thinks cheating is totally and utterly wrong suddenly thinks "oh actually it's ok to cheat"?

Just rubbish to say you don't know what might happen. In our case we are both in our 60's and have been married 40 years. Nothing is going to happen that makes either of us think that cheating is ok.

*@MynephewR * sometimes you can know for sure. I am not deluded and neither is my DH. We are realistic. We both know the other would not cheat.

Right @lynsey91 so people don’t change ever? Think the divorce and adultery stats don’t quite back up your claims. I’m pretty sure nobody gets married thinking their other half will cheat!

It is not rubbish for me to say right now I trust my husband as much as I can. But in years to come maybe our relationship will deteriorate. I’m not so foolish to say I can predict the next 20 years. Hell, I don’t approve of cheating but I can’t say how I will feel in the next ten years. Maybe I’ll fall out of love with him?

How wonderful to have a crystal ball!

@InvisibleWomenMustBeRead

It's so hard *@IceCreamSummer20* - so sorry for what you've gone through.

My dad was not the cheating kind at all - he was a fantastic husband and father and yet he cheated on my mum even though they'd been married for more than 30 years (& been together faithfully for 35 years). I think he had some sort of mid-life crisis but he followed 'the script' to a tee and honestly was vile - you'd my mum was the one who'd cheated, given how he acted. Not seen or spoken to him in over 10 years (despite previously speaking to him at least daily before that).

I’m so sorry @InvisibleWomenMustBeRead for your experience too. My father also cheated and it was devastating. I think this also illustrates how well some people cheat and completely fool us when we trusted them as husbands or fathers 100% - and it is horrifying to experience it.

I’m not saying people shouldn’t trust 100%. Please do. It doesn’t make you a lesser person for either trusting or not trusting. People who now don’t trust, like me, can’t because my stability has been shattered forever. My Ex was such a good man, on the surface, completely 100% trustworthy. He went out of his way to make sure that I trusted him. He even said ‘please do talk to our mutual friends as they can vouch for me’. My mutual friends all said ‘oh wow, he’s really one of the few good guys, you are so lucky’. I made several life changing decisions, I moved country, moved jobs, (basically giving up a good career), based on 100% trust. It didn’t occur to me to be more careful, as I’d always done well on my instincts before. For 9 years he cheated on me non-stop including while I was pregnant...

...unfortunately now I do have my antennae out now. Also, it’s not my fault. I wasn’t smug, just thought I was lucky. But I wasn’t and if I hadn’t discovered one vital piece of evidence one day, I’d still be in the dark...

Trust and faith are different things to knowing with certainty

Isn't that kind of the point of what trust is?