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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no one really trusts their partner 100%

247 replies

anxietyaunt · 06/08/2020 09:20

I don’t think I’m a particularly suspicious person but I don’t think anyone can ever really trust anyone, let alone a partner, 100% in life. It doesn’t mean you can’t give the benefit of the doubt, but I think given there are moments we can’t even really trust ourselves it would be naive to believe we can trust another person.

Nothing in particular has sparked this. Just curious to know what others think. AIBU.

OP posts:
Faith50 · 06/08/2020 16:03

Interesting post.

I trusted my dh until he was unfaithful - perhaps not 100%. I have never quite looked at him the same again since.

Funnily, I have been with many a toad in my teens and 20's but I knew they were toads so naturally I expected little from them. Often I dated more than one man as they were rarely invested in me.

With dh I had higher expectations. The anger and pain has gone but there is a slight sadness.

Dh is petrifed that one day when my ducks are in a row, I will leave him. I have not ruled this out. I no longer tell dh I love him and this breaks his heart. I used to tell him daily.

I have certainly grown up and realised I am a hell of a lot stronger than I thought I was.

Shouldbedancingyeah · 06/08/2020 17:19

We aren't at all. We just know our partners better than you do. I wouldn't have married my DH if I didnt 100% trust him. If you had ever met him you would know why
This is so daft. We can and should all trust our partners but you can’t ever know for sure what’s round the corner. Everyone is human and therefore unpredictable.
I know plenty of women who’ve been cheated on who had this attitude and were certain their husbands were great men, trustworthy, would never hurt them etc. They’re not so naïve now
You can never ever know 100% that in the ideal circumstances for an affair, your husband/partner wouldn’t cheat. You can trust them wholly and still comprehend the fact that you can never be 100% sure of what someone else may do when your back is turned.
Or do you think you’re special and it would never happen to you? Hmm

CatherinedeBourgh · 06/08/2020 17:25

I think the narrow focus on sexual exclusivity may be clouding the issue slightly.

I trust dh completely because we have always been able to talk about everything. I trust that he will be honest and discuss things with me so we can figure them out together.

The possibility exists that one or the other could meet someone who they had feelings for. I trust that he would talk to me about it (as I would) and deal with things in a way that would work for both of us.

People can and do change, and I trust him to accommodate my changes and I will accommodate his, as we have so far in the past (on all fronts).

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 06/08/2020 17:32

I trusted mine completely, and he trusted me. We never let each other down. Yes there is the risk that one of us could have done something unexpected or out of character, but we were honest with each other and I truly believe that we would have talked anything through and found a solution together. I couldn't have married someone I didn't trust, after leaving an abusive relationship where my ex was unfaithful and violent. DH was the complete opposite to him, kind, gentle, morally sound and had also been hurt by his ex, so he knew how shit it felt. Could I trust him to leave me the last biscuit though? No.

user1471427614 · 06/08/2020 17:34

I did, I was wrong too

RibenaMonsoon · 06/08/2020 17:44

You can never ever know 100% that in the ideal circumstances for an affair, your husband/partner wouldn’t cheat. You can trust them wholly and still comprehend the fact that you can never be 100% sure of what someone else may do when your back is turned.
Or do you think you’re special and it would never happen to you?

I think my marriage is special. So does my husband. But that's not what the original post was.

Do you trust your partner? Yes I do.

You have contradicted yourself a bit here. You can't "wholly trust" someone and still expect that cheating may still happen to you. We may think completely differently but to me that's absurd. You either trust your partner or you don't.

Shouldbedancingyeah · 06/08/2020 18:04

Essentially it comes down to the question of ‘is it impossible that they’ll cheat?’
Of course it’s not impossible therefore you can trust them immensely but there’s always a tiny risk that they will betray you. So you can’t ever be 100% sure

mbosnz · 06/08/2020 18:09

Dangerous, silly, naive. . .

You do your things your way, I'll do 'em mine.

So far it's worked out very well for me. If there comes a time when it doesn't, I'll make sure to come back and tell you that you were right.

But so far. . . so good. All 29 years of it. And no signs of t'wheels coming off the wagon thus far, despite the doom laden predictions of far too many a Cassandras, lol.

alphabetti · 06/08/2020 18:11

I trust my partner 100%. I never fully trusted my ex husband and the relationship ended in disaster. It was hard to trust someone again but I have got lucky and I know he will always do his best for me.

ConcreteUnderpants · 06/08/2020 19:13

Naive to 100% trust my DH?
Bizarre?
A fool?

Bit harsh.
To those saying there is a risk he could cheat so there is no way I could trust 100%, well that’s the point of trust, isn’t it!
Yes there is a risk just because he is human and capable of choices. Would he? No, I don’t believe he would, hence my total trust.

Ok. Guess we’ll have to agree to disagree.
I’m happy and totally convinced in my relationship.
In my view, you either trust or you don’t. And if you don’t, then maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship. To me, not completely trusting your partner is just crazy.

CherryPavlova · 06/08/2020 19:18

The trouble is, entering a marriage or committed partnership without trust is setting it up to fail. I would never have spoken my vows if I didn't believe we both truly meant them. I haven't been disappointed yet.

I trust my husband entirely. He would, I believe, lay down his life for me or any of the children, and does everything in his gift to ensure I am happy and provided for.

ClickandForget · 06/08/2020 19:30

All the posters saying they trust their partners 100% not to cheat are being very naive

I agree. I know this from experience. My lovely adorable husband would never do anything to hurt me. Until he did.

mbosnz · 06/08/2020 19:32

Yes, but your lovely adorable husband, is not mine. Your relationship is not built on the same agreements and history that mine is. Because something happened to you, does not mean, ipso facto, that it will therefore happen to somebody else.

Wecandothis99 · 06/08/2020 19:40

Incorrect

GinGinHooray · 06/08/2020 19:58

Just listen....and learn from others experiences.

Sometimes lovely & loyal DH's do betray their trusting wives and sometimes they don't.

Wouldn't you rather be aware of this fact than be naive about it.

mbosnz · 06/08/2020 20:15

I'm very aware that sometimes lovely and loyal DH's do betray their trusting wives. You'd have to be a complete idiot without any access to social media and definitely not in your late forties not to be aware of this.

So that is not something novel, something that I need to learn or become aware of.

However, the fact that somebody else's husband (or wife) betrayed their trusting wife (or husband) does not actually have any real bearing on how likely it is that I'm to betray my husband, or he's likely to betray me.

Devlesko · 06/08/2020 20:21

You can never ever know 100% that in the ideal circumstances for an affair, your husband/partner wouldn’t cheat

Yes you can, not everybody is a cheat. You either are or aren't.
I don't believe it's possible to be completely surprised at a cheat, if you actually knew them.
If you are an honest person you don't all of a sudden become dishonest, it doesn't sit right.

Cattiwampus · 06/08/2020 20:22

38 years together, including him teaching when younger at St Cat’s and St Hilda’s when they were both all-female Oxford colleges. Young, intelligent and often beautiful and wealthy women. Lots of possibilities.

If he wants to have an affair, he’d better get a move on. He’s 67. 🤣

BenWyatt · 06/08/2020 20:50

I don’t trust my DP 100% but that’s not really his fault. I trust him as much as I can trust another person. For one thing he doesn’t have the imagination to mess me about 🤣

Delatron · 06/08/2020 20:57

I trust him as much as I can. He’s a good guy and I don’t have any reason to suspect him. I trust him more than my exes.
I know he values his family andWouldn’t want to hurt us Who knows in a few years though? Things can change. I’ll evaluate it continually!

Agree 100% trust is a bit naive.
Sorry.

rosiejaune · 06/08/2020 21:31

Well I don't trust my partner to put the bowls back in the right place in the kitchen. But I do trust him not to cheat on me, if that's what you meant.

Sparklyring · 06/08/2020 21:45

I trust my husband 100% and wouldn't have married him if I didn't.

PixieLee123 · 06/08/2020 21:45

I don’t trust anyone “100%” not even myself. We all make mistakes/bad choices/not handle some things ‘right’ at times thats what makes us human!
I trust my DH but that is different to saying you trust them 100% (meaning there is zero chance they could do something wrong)

YewHedge · 06/08/2020 21:50

YABU sone people do.
I trust my DH 100%

MsTSwift · 06/08/2020 22:52

I do trust mine not naive have also worked with men and seen how a sizeable minority were shaggers and routinely cheated on their families. Most didn’t but some did.

Even if dh binned me I am confident he would behave decently. He is actually the most decent person I have ever met and have seen him do the “right” thing at personal cost before.

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