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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no one really trusts their partner 100%

247 replies

anxietyaunt · 06/08/2020 09:20

I don’t think I’m a particularly suspicious person but I don’t think anyone can ever really trust anyone, let alone a partner, 100% in life. It doesn’t mean you can’t give the benefit of the doubt, but I think given there are moments we can’t even really trust ourselves it would be naive to believe we can trust another person.

Nothing in particular has sparked this. Just curious to know what others think. AIBU.

OP posts:
BobCat2020 · 06/08/2020 22:59

It's interesting that some people feel it's unhealthy to trust someone 100%. Bad things happen to good people whether you trust them completely or not. So what's the point in distrusting them? I trust my partner 100%. I'm not naive, but I'm a rational optimist that appreciates a positive state of mind is healthy for a relationship. Life is too short to be mistrusting for no good reason.

gogorogo · 06/08/2020 23:05

Yes DH & I are a team & I trust him & don't think he's the cheating type however I don't trust anyone 100% maybe not even myself

MsTSwift · 06/08/2020 23:13

My dread is myself - that I am unfaithful to him! I literally have nightmares that I have and wake up feeling awful!

IceCreamSummer20 · 06/08/2020 23:21

I always trusted everyone. I would think that someone would not lie. I trusted everyone that I was in a relationship with. I followed my instincts, had good loyal friends, a family who were very straight talking, and colleagues who had integrity.

However I’ve now totally lost that trust with my Ex, who presented as the iconic decent and good man. Great father to his kids, kind, responsible, moral, always helping people out, a real family man. Found out he had spent out entire 9 year relationship sexting and seeing many, many other women. The shock was huge.

I think I will never trust anyone in quite the way that I did before. I now see how easy it is for many people. They live their whole lives not really caring about others. Not really. It’s shocking.

circumventgatekeeper · 06/08/2020 23:22

I did and I shouldn't have

Aceofhearts3 · 06/08/2020 23:25

I trusted my first first DH 100% and I was wrong to do so as he broke my trust and shocked me to the core. I don’t don’t trust anyone anymore.

MegaClutterSlut · 06/08/2020 23:27

I personally think its silly to trust someone 100%. As much as everyone says they'd never cheat and hates the thought of it, everyone is capable of cheating, even YOU.

steppemum · 06/08/2020 23:28

I trust my dh.
It isn't a naive eyes close trust. But rather a sense that the sort of person he is, is a man of integrity.
I know it is possible he could cheat, because no-one is infallible, but I think I am more likely to walk out/cheat/behave badly than he is, because of the things that are important to him, the sort of person he is.

It isn't about naivety, it is about knowing someone well.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 06/08/2020 23:28

It's so hard @IceCreamSummer20 - so sorry for what you've gone through.

My dad was not the cheating kind at all - he was a fantastic husband and father and yet he cheated on my mum even though they'd been married for more than 30 years (& been together faithfully for 35 years). I think he had some sort of mid-life crisis but he followed 'the script' to a tee and honestly was vile - you'd my mum was the one who'd cheated, given how he acted. Not seen or spoken to him in over 10 years (despite previously speaking to him at least daily before that).

Helpimfalling · 06/08/2020 23:28

@JBizz

I could never be with someone I didn't trust 100%

It's a very sad existence to live not ever trusting your partner fully.

Ive never known this feeling.

This spoke to me

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 06/08/2020 23:32

no one is 100% who they say they are or think they are

I am, I don't have any aires and graces and don't try to impress anyone for any reason. That and I trust my Dh 100%
We've known each other from when we were kids, I know what he's gone through in life, good and bad and we are in that very comfy waiting to retire, on the same page stage in life.
I know he's not interested in other women, he's had ample opporunity in our 35 year marriage, to be fair they scare the shit out of him. He wasn't in the least bit interested. Nor was I.
It is possible, you just have to be with the right person. No idea how you find them.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 06/08/2020 23:33

My dad was an absolute man of integrity too @steppemum and everyone was shocked when it turned out he'd been cheating on my mum.

I love and trust my own DH wholeheartedly but am now fully aware that if a man as amazing and trustworthy as my dad could cheat after such a long marriage, then my DH absolutely could too.

It doesn't make me act or live differently but I am conscious never to feel fully smug that he'd never cheat, as I firmly now believe (& have seen first hand) that you just never know.

2020iscancelled · 06/08/2020 23:34

Well trusting someone and being utterly naive aren’t the same thing.

You can trust someone to not do something whilst still being aware that anything is possible and that even though you place your trust in someone it doesn’t make that thing then impossible.

I trust my DP, I trust him not to cheat on me or not to hurt me. But that trust doesn’t then mean it will never happen.

Trust is not an insurance policy - it doesn’t protect you from it. It ensures you can live a life without needing to constantly be on your guard, you trust people so that you can develop relationships and bonds. Without trust (in all forms) you couldn’t do that.

But trust doesn’t stop things happening. Trusting and acknowledging “shit happens” aren’t mutually exclusive imo

steppemum · 06/08/2020 23:39

@InvisibleWomenMustBeRead

My dad was an absolute man of integrity too *@steppemum* and everyone was shocked when it turned out he'd been cheating on my mum.

I love and trust my own DH wholeheartedly but am now fully aware that if a man as amazing and trustworthy as my dad could cheat after such a long marriage, then my DH absolutely could too.

It doesn't make me act or live differently but I am conscious never to feel fully smug that he'd never cheat, as I firmly now believe (& have seen first hand) that you just never know.

I agree, as I said, anything is possible.

My close friend trusted her husband right up until the police turned up at the door. Sad

But I think you have to do this:

You can trust someone to not do something whilst still being aware that anything is possible and that even though you place your trust in someone it doesn’t make that thing then impossible.

Thurmanmurman · 06/08/2020 23:45

The only people I trust 100% are my parents and my brother. DH 99%

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 06/08/2020 23:45

@steppemum I do agree with this

You can trust someone to not do something whilst still being aware that anything is possible and that even though you place your trust in someone it doesn’t make that thing then impossible.

I do find it incredibly naive when people say that they know categorically that their partners will never cheat given my personal experience (& how my mum and all her friends would have said the same thing about my dad).

toconclude · 07/08/2020 06:43

@JBizz

I could never be with someone I didn't trust 100%

It's a very sad existence to live not ever trusting your partner fully.

No it isn't. It's just common sense.
Sheenais · 07/08/2020 06:46

I do tend to think that people who are 100% trusting do lack critical thinking skills. That is not to say I do not trust my DH, because what kind of life is that if you don't allow yourself to trust people. But people who say they blindly trust are a bit thick.

toconclude · 07/08/2020 06:46

@2020iscancelled
Wise words.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 07/08/2020 06:54

I trust my partner 100% and he me

We've never cheated and never will

Sorry you won't ever get to experience this.

gingerbeerandlemonade · 07/08/2020 07:18

I trust my DH 100% we've known each other for over half our lives now and if I didn't trust him then I wouldn't be with him.

Sheenais · 07/08/2020 07:48

@CloudsCanLookLikeSheep

I trust my partner 100% and he me

We've never cheated and never will

Sorry you won't ever get to experience this.

But you really don’t know that. You never will. He may have already cheated.
madcatladyforever · 07/08/2020 07:52

Yes I did for 18 years implicitly, thought we had the marriage of a century - I was a fool.
Nobody can be trusted 100%.

madcatladyforever · 07/08/2020 07:54

You cannot ever know what is going on in somebody elses head.

Delatron · 07/08/2020 07:55

Do you not think the people who have been cheated on did not trust their partners 100%?