Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

OP’s friend and his wife are not together anymore, so why post this thread in the first place?

The answer to that question @Emmmie is found in the OP's first post

Thank you myrtleWilson 🌷

If my husband's female friend's partner had died only 3 months ago I'd be pushing him out the door to take her to the cinema/lunch/whatever they enjoyed doing as friends together so he could support her and be a good friend as she grieved.

I would not mind this in the slightest.

The only slight niggle I had when I read your post was that he booked it straight away and his wife 'found out'. My husband and I don't report in to each other but we do mention if we are going to be seeing someone that day in conversation and I do text him/tell him when I get home if I saw someone unexpectedly. It's not about permission or checking in, it's about openness.

So if I found out days later that my husband had seen a female friend and went to the cinema, my eyebrows would be slightly raised. Once I would let go, more than once I'd be chatting about it to him.

However - I would not be slating the friend or making any assumptions about what she was or wasn't looking for. That makes no difference to me because if my husband isn't looking for the same thing, it's not happening is it?!

Tricky one but why didn’t he mention it to his wife before going though? I think you should try understanding why she did feel upset over all of this, especially when she has been very accommodating whilst her husband supports you during this difficult time.

why didn’t he mention it to his wife before going
Because it was a spur of the moment thing in the middle of a weekday when both happened to be off work. He could hardly phone his wife in the middle of her work to tell her. Would you interrupt your OH at work to tell him You were off to the cinema on your day off?

Ooh okay and yes I would, it’s just a text we would usually check in and texting isn’t such a serious thing, relax :). Anyway I just found out they are separated so all of this doesn’t matter anyway but just a little validation for OP, because issues like this must have come up before judging by her strong reaction and he was probably aware. I hope she is in a happy, secure and fulfilling relationship now.

Thank you for the thread OP. What I have learned from this is that reading comprehension amongst Mnetters is abysmal.

Unfortunately OP , I think it’s unfair to think his wife was being illogical/unfair because you don’t know what the state of their marriage is/was like. If your marriage isn’t exactly feeling 100% , then your H popping off to the cinema with a woman (even if it’s a friend and totally innocent) but without mentioning it to you, may well be enough to really pee you off. What if he has a deceitful side you are unaware of and stuff like this is the last straw, however well you know him, you can’t make assumptions that you 100% know him or his marriage. Some women are just naturally jealous, but some are more wary because of previous experience with that particular man

Some women are just naturally jealous are we so forgiving of men who are jealous because some men are just naturally jealous?

Because it comes off as high-handed and deliberately cuts her out of being able to voice any objections or concerns. High handed of him to fill his own leisure time innocently? And why should she suddenly object note when she's always been on with it?

The dynamics are different now that your husband isn’t a buffer a buffet for what?? Their genitals?? They've been friends since they were 3,

If he wanted to go see something and I didn’t, then he said “okay, well is it alright if I bring my friend instead?” I’d probably be okay with that, but him arranging something that actively cut me out? I’d be upset. So if he's wanted coffee that day or to go to IKEA and had invited op, would he also have needed good wife's permission?

@JizzPigeon22 I hope everything is ok in rl and this hitting the news hadn't caused any problems

Wow, whilst OP has had (& invited) a range of views, I'm shocked at the level of sexism on here shown by some PPs. Some weird marriages out there where they act as if they 'own' each other.

It sounds like friend and his ex had multiple problems and she took them out on OP who was recently widowed in a really nasty way. She rang her and effectively shouted at her for being friends with her husband, despite it being a long standing friendship.

A cinema trip to see Endgame is hardly the stuff affairs are made of, it's what two keen Marvel fans do! I'd have gone with any of my male or female friends if my older DC hadn't been as desperate as me to see it!!!

She (ex) also sounds hypocritical, happy to
Invite your late DH round without you, to see her and fix things for her. I suspect it was about her deteriorating marriage and paranoia rather than you OP. She behaved appallingly and cruelly to you at a time you needed your friends.

Yanbu OP to be friends with your friend and he is free to do what he wants, including supporting his friend through a terrible loss. You were both respectful. It sounds like he is well rid of this controlling ex.

[quote Wavescrashingonthebeach]@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter

Do it!!!!! And upload a photo you could sell them![/quote]
Do it, I’ll buy one!!

And @JizzPigeon22 never mind your friend, I think I love you a little bit for that post

@Dee8677

You know what else is really cool? Not trying to talk down to people. I did read the thread thanks.

Jesus. All the 'read the thread' hysteria. It's 40 fucking pages. You know what else is cool? Posting all the salient points in the original post, not drip feeding that they have actually split months ago and that the wife never enjoyed anything anyway. 'Read the thread' 😴 bore off.

No one has to read the whole thread @foreverandalways, but reading all the OP's posts on a long thread should be common sense before posting a question that has already been answered.

HTH

For what it's worth, I wouldn't be happy with my partner going to the cinema with a female friend and he wouldn't be happy with me doing it either. He should have discussed it with his wife beforehand. But tbh, their marriage sounded doomed anyway. I wonder why they ever got together! I also wonder why you are bothered by it now when they've split and moved on? Concentrate on yourself and count your blessings you had such a good marriage, not everyone does.

@Byronsmummy

OP has already explained why it wasn't possible to discuss beforehand and why it has come up recently. She also said that the problem did not seem to be him doing something with a female friend but doing something with a widowed female friend.

You may not be happy with your husband going to the cinema with someone of the opposite sex (although what do you expect to happen?), but, if he did, would you then yell down the phone at her if she was recently bereaved and pregnant? Pretty nasty behaviour.

@Byronsmummy

For what it's worth, I wouldn't be happy with my partner going to the cinema with a female friend and he wouldn't be happy with me doing it either. He should have discussed it with his wife beforehand. But tbh, their marriage sounded doomed anyway. I wonder why they ever got together! I also wonder why you are bothered by it now when they've split and moved on? Concentrate on yourself and count your blessings you had such a good marriage, not everyone does.

Bit why? What do you think people do to the bangs and whooshes of Marvel Fiona that makes this so inappropriate to go with a friend? And the wife was at work, he couldn't call her for permission

Because people bond over shared experiences and if this marriage was rocky (which it sounds like it was) then it's likely the wife wondered what the next shared experience would be...

I wouldn't mind my husband going to the cinema with a female friend. In the circumstances described, I'd want him to be supportive of you op. I'm not a jealous or insecure person and I trust my husband

@SleepingStandingUp

I spent many a happy movie snogging, snuggling and groping in the darkness. We used to steer away from the late showings and go to the mid-day ones as they were quieter with less people. Good times.

Not saying that’s what op was doing, but it’s certainly what we used to do.

@Mothership4two @SleepingStandingUp - it's probably an older generation thing (I'm 53) and it's just not the done thing. I trust my DP and he does me but a cinema trip (for me) is a treat and a shared moment, even if I go with my Mum, female friends or another couple. Sadly, being widowed changes the dynamic of the friendship ( I don't need to spell out why)and the wife must have been wondering where it would all end. She shouldn't have taken out her upset on OP but maybe she was fighting for her marriage and hitting a stone wall talking to her DH.

@Horsemad

Because people bond over shared experiences and if this marriage was rocky (which it sounds like it was) then it's likely the wife wondered what the next shared experience would be...

So presumably he also can't talk to her about the kids, discuss what happened in neighbours last night, play a game of chess together.

Sadly, being widowed changes the dynamic of the friendship ( I don't need to spell out why)and the wife must have been wondering where it would all end if they're were more space you really would need to spell it out because you seem to be implying the recently widowed pregnant women was after a new man, any man, asap man, be wise you know, of course she was.

DMBL njoy your cinema trips! At least they'll be fairly empty these days

My boyfriend arranged to go to something with his friend, they decided to head to the cinema. He’s now told me that his friend’s girlfriend and her female friend are also going now. Should I be worried?