Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

Thing is, you are very quick to label it as abusive well you were saying I'd your friend said this and that, I wasn't saying ops friend was in an abusive relationship. If my friend came and said DH said we can't be friends any more, I'd consider that controlling and abusive.

You don’t know if he was leaving her to cook and clean whilst he was off to the cinema. She was at work.

But to go off on one and get into it with the wife, labelling it abuse and refusing to back off from ‘your friend’ helps no I said above what I'd do with this imaginary friend who's husband said we can't be friends. None of it involved getting into it with the partner because if he was already controlling, I'd worry about putting her in physical danger.

Copied from above
I'd tell the friend that imo he was being abusive and unreasonable and I would offer to work around anything they needed to keep me in their life so they didn't become isolated and vulnerable. If they insisted they really couldn't see me, I'd suggest we stayed in touch by phone. As a last resort I'd suggest putting me in their phone under a new name and just keeping me there if they needed me. If we had mutual friends I'd raise my concerns to them, someone like @Withthemonsters. I would keep their phone number

Ok, well I guess we’d do things differently. As you would expect I guess. No two people approach things in identical ways.

The joy of asking a question on the internet is that you’ll get a wide range of responses and perhaps the answer is actually somewhere in the middle.

Thank you for a respectful debate. I wish everyone the very best and hope that op’s friendship with this man survived and she has continued to get the support she needs.

I'd have no problem with my DH going to the cinema with a female friend. I would have a problem with not being told directly, or having to "find out".

But if I got a text from DH saying "Friend and I are going to catch the Marvel matinee" I'd be like: "Great, have a nice time".

I texted my friend that he (gay tho) should thank my husband for allowing me to see him because time spent with him is time spent away from my husband. Even though he is at work. I was told that i should stop drinking... Now he doesn't believe I am sober.

I really look forward to seeing you on threads where women come here describing their controlling husbands/partners so you can explain to everyone taht we are just too quick to label it abuse and that it's understandable he doesn't want to allow her to spend time with ger family and friends because that's time spent without him.

Please, kindly thank your husband for allowing you to be online and chat to us here. Because time spent typing is basically time spent mentally away from him.

Let's not forget here what the ex wife said to OP. It's frankly disgusting.

I often go to the cinema with my male friend (or did pre covid at any rate). He's my best friend and there's no romantic feelings there at all. My husband doesn't mind at all.

[quote DBML]@SleepingStandingUp

I think it’s polite to be polite. If her husband was spending a lot of time with me, then I would be grateful. As time spent with me is not time spent with her.[/quote]
There's being polite then there's acting like she owns him and you're culpable for his choices. He's a grown man. He chooses who he spends time woth. He doesn't need permission or apologising for
It isn't OPs place to apologise for his actions. She don't need to thank DW for what HE does because DW is not his keeper. Stepping back implies you were wrong in the first instance of spending time with him at a time when DW was at work so it wasn't even her time, and if he is in an unhappy and potentially abusive marriage, it's just isolating him. There's a difference between "if you need to come over less I understand" and "I'm not seeing you because it makes her unhappy, regardless of how you feel". Why does your friends feelings matter less? Because he's just a man? Why doesn't DW have to think about how feelings if he's expected to owner to hers?

will be there once he has sorted things out with his wife why do the women have to make all the decisions? Mr and your wife talked and it's best were not friends right now. Jesus he's not 5.

Dude do you need us to spend less time together?
Yeah, probably, thanks
No problem

Dude do you need us to spend less time together?
Probably, she gets so angry these days when I mention any friends.

Dude do you need up to spend less time together?
No, I'm feed up of her controlling attitude tbh, in not playing her games.

See what you can find out when the man is treated like a grown up?

I’ve not read the whole thread (you’ve had heaps of replies!) but to throw my tuppence in Yanbu. One of my best friends is also my ex from moser than 20 years ago and we go to the cinema occasionally or for supper for a catch up. My partner of 7 years doesn’t have an issue with it because we’re adults with nothing to hide.

From the OP's posts I don't think it was all or nothing @DBML, they all seemed to be in each others lives. OP's kids call him 'uncle'. They even joked with the wife about her not wanting to do things with dh. It was this particular incident that she blew up about.

Personally I think the ex was a total cow to ring up and bollock a recently widowed pregnant woman.

I find language like one partner 'allowing' the other to do things makes me feel uncomfortable. And your five point plan omits what the husband wants to do. He's not a passive observer in his own life.

Also, couples can disagree without having to split up.

Someone on here posted that if you reversed the genders you would get a totally different response from many posters on this thread. I agree.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

And I look forward to seeing you on threads where women are hurting because their husbands are always out at the cinema etc with another women; and you’re telling them to stop being controlling and abusive.

It works both ways.

Probably best to try not to jump from extreme to extreme and over dramatise everything. Just accept we don’t all share the same point of view.

Personally I think the ex was a total cow to ring up and bollock a recently widowed pregnant woman.

Quite. I do agree.

And your five point plan omits what the husband wants to do. He's not a passive observer in his own life.

I could not presume what he would do. I could only include what I might do/say.

I look forward to seeing you on threads where women are hurting because their husbands are always out at the cinema etc with another women

That is not what happened at all - please RTWT

@DBML

Personally I think the ex was a total cow to ring up and bollock a recently widowed pregnant woman.

Quite. I do agree.

And your five point plan omits what the husband wants to do. He's not a passive observer in his own life.

I could not presume what he would do. I could only include what I might do/say.

But this was the final point of my previous essay. It's his marriage and g his wife, your giving him no real support or choice because you've decided the wife's feelings matter now then his. Why do they?

@SleepingStandingUp

I was assuming he wanted to stay in his marriage (as he didn’t leave for 8 months). So I would do my best to support that.
I’m not trying to disregard his feelings.

@Mothership4two

I know. I was deliberating twisting a point to show how you can turn it into a more extreme view.

Bit you are making the choice. Mr and the wife chatted, we've decided I shouldn't see you any more.

Not your wife is unhappy, I feel like the right thing is to pull away, how do you feel.

Not a chance.

@SleepingStandingUp

No you’re right. I like your sentence better. But I’d be prepared to back off then if required.

Omg DMBL he wasn’t “out with other women” he was with a close friend he’s known since childhood, since before he met his wife, who was recently bereaved and needed support. If a woman came on complaining about her husband doing exactly that I would indeed tell her to stop being so controlling!

[quote DBML]@SleepingStandingUp

No you’re right. I like your sentence better. But I’d be prepared to back off then if required.[/quote]
Great, cos my babies are fed now and I'm off to bed 😂. Night night

@Staringpoodleplottingrottie

I know. You’d have to read back through the posts to catch my deliberate misrepresentation of what actually happened. I did this to show both arguments could be twisted.

@AliceinBunnyland

JizzPigeon22 I was not the reason for the end of their fucking marriage, Jesus Christ. They split up 8 months later for entirely different reasons

I don't understand OP because you have also said "My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage"

The relevant word here is almost

@SleepingStandingUp

And ironically DH is telling me I’m spending way too much time on Mumsnet, so we’re popping on Dr Doolittle.

Good night.

Honestly wouldn’t give a damn.
Scenarios like this always highlight how many insecure people there are out there, in themselves and in their marriages.

Well this has no point.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Well this has no point.

Because gaping holes are round

I'm meant to be asleep. A sudden tenets outside my house not social distancing loudly isn't helping

Dozen teenagers