Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

From the OP's OP:
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends @DBML. I'm not sure how much clearer the OP can be.

After 35 pages of repeating myself for the same questions because people can’t read then yes I do have a bit of an attitude!
Also some of the vile views towards me from Insecure women because my husband had the audacity to die on me have definitely put me in a mood.

@myrtleWilson

I’m not saying that one person SHOULD have that kind of say over another. I’m saying that if in someone else’s relationship that happens (which it does) there’s not much you can do.
To argue it and try to add your own influence as a friend, adds just another layer of pressure.

If the wife was asking for my opinion, she’d have a very different answer.

@DioneTheDiabolist

Yes, but she also asked for opinions on whether it’s fair and I gave mine. It’s irrelevant as the wife and husband split up, but it’s just my opinion and answer to the original question.

@JizzPigeon22

But then perhaps direct that anger at those who have said offensive things to you, because I certainly haven’t.

I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do about what happened with your friend and I already stated the wife was wrong to say what she did to you.

I just expressed that there’s not much you can do about it. Had she said you couldn’t hang out together and had he agreed to that to save his marriage, it wouldn’t have been ‘right’ (in my view), but it would also have been tough luck for you.

As I said. You asked if you were being unreasonable. You’re not in the way you’re thinking, but if you tried to act on it then you would have been. Again only in my humble opinion.

I am however deeply sorry that you lost your husband. I can’t imagine how you must have been feeling and of course it would feel very unfair to you, for your supportive friend to have had to stop supporting you because his wife said.

And your level of appreciation could be highly attractive to any male within a 30 mile radius, because what wife under normal circumstances can compete with that?
This paragraph is hilarious "level of appreciation" 😂

Too many women out there who won't say anything because they're scared to lose their man so they pretend to be cool with it. Erm or w just secure in their relationship with healthy boundaries, respect and trust

I don't believe you. Pretty sure you are wandering streets all days and nights moaning "Menzzzzz. Need menzzzzz No, "I need YOUR menzzzzz", remember Jizz isn't fussy as long as someone fills her hole. There's a draft 😂

I find it really depressing that so many women would look at at a grieving woman who had found someone to have fun with and enjoy the company of, and instead of thinking “hey that’s great that she’s found something to comfort her” immediately think “she’s trying to get into his pants”

Honestly OP if that was my husband I’d be delighted that someone wanted to watch marvel films with and pleased that my DH could be compassionate to someone who had recently lost their spouse. My husband’s best friend is a woman and she was recently unwell and he drove halfway across the country to visit her BECAUSE HE’S HER FRIEND not because they are shagging. It’s not hard to understand. Some people on this thread should be ashamed of themselves.

Too many women out there who won't say anything because they're scared to lose their man so they pretend to be cool with it Give over don't assume others think like you. If your going to lose a man he will go anyway no need to banish single women.
It is sad so many women think like that poor menz don't have any self control.

[quote DBML]@myrtleWilson

I’m not saying that one person SHOULD have that kind of say over another. I’m saying that if in someone else’s relationship that happens (which it does) there’s not much you can do.
To argue it and try to add your own influence as a friend, adds just another layer of pressure.

If the wife was asking for my opinion, she’d have a very different answer.

@DioneTheDiabolist

Yes, but she also asked for opinions on whether it’s fair and I gave mine. It’s irrelevant as the wife and husband split up, but it’s just my opinion and answer to the original question.[/quote]
If my friend Sandra told me she couldn't see me anymore because Steve didn't like it, too right I'd be telling her my opinion. I can't believe you'd say "ok Sandra" and think that's ok @DBML.

@Emeraldshamrock

And your level of appreciation could be highly attractive to any male within a 30 mile radius, because what wife under normal circumstances can compete with that? This paragraph is hilarious "level of appreciation" 😂

I'm imagining "Oh my God Steve you came to see Endgame with me,you're such a strong and courageous man. How can I ever thank you? No one has ever watched a Marvel movie like that before, you even stayed for the two end credits. Your my hero.

Isn’t level of appreciation how people describe second hand objects?

Am I second hand car now because my husband put a few miles in me 🤣

I would be absolutely fine with this. I can’t imagine being so insecure in my marriage that this would bother me. And if was, the marriage would surely be doomed anyway

^ this 100%

Me and my DH have opposite sex friends and we both spend time with them (I regulatory go to the cinema with a male friend). I trust him and he trusts me. At the end of the day if one of us wants to cheat they will. So just trust them until there's an actual reason not to at which point the relationship must end anyway.

Sorry for your loss.

His wife may be insecure, that may be true but you will need to back away from the friendship. She phoned you - to be very clear - she is not happy and you must be respectful. Her husband must be respectful too and they must come up together with their own boundaries.

On another note, it feels very odd when people (I mean women) don't like you just because you are not part of a couple. Especially when you don't see yourself as a threat nor are interested romantically in their husbands/boyfriends but you might find that you encounter similar reactions in the future.

doesn’t matter what any of us think, it bothers his wife!

@myohmywhatawonderfulday

Sorry for your loss.

His wife may be insecure, that may be true but you will need to back away from the friendship. She phoned you - to be very clear - she is not happy and you must be respectful. Her husband must be respectful too and they must come up together with their own boundaries.

On another note, it feels very odd when people (I mean women) don't like you just because you are not part of a couple. Especially when you don't see yourself as a threat nor are interested romantically in their husbands/boyfriends but you might find that you encounter similar reactions in the future.

So if your husband banned you from seeing your friends tomorrow you'd be ok with that? And you'd respect that? And you'd expect your friends to not question it? Because I'd call it emotional abuse and controlling behaviour, not normal boundaries.

@JizzPigeon22

Would just like to not that I’m plenty capable of filling my own holes. Emotionally, sexually and also when doing DIY.

I have literally just started a cross stitch project and I'm kind of wishing I hadn't, as your quote would make a hell of a cross stitch wall hanging

I am going to admit something I am ashamed of. I would think it was absolutely fine if I went out with male friends as I would know it was completely platonic. But I wouldn’t like it if my partner did the same. I don’t trust him and he is secretive but I am also a bit jealous and insecure with him. In your situation if I knew the person and they were a mutual friend rather than a random girl from work (which my partners friends tend to be), I think I wouldn’t have minded. It is hard to know though. If you are incredibly good looking for example, that might make a difference even though it shouldn’t. If it seems to the wife like your friend has always had a soft spot for you I get why she was annoyed, even though that is unfair on you. But she definitely shouldn’t have had a go at you, she should have voiced her concerns to him.

I think you seem a bit bitter and twisted jizz. People can be different to you. You don't have to prove they're wrong by being so rude.

@JizzPigeon22

Also some of the vile views towards me from Insecure women because my husband had the audacity to die on me have definitely put me in a mood.

Take no notice. There's some scatty fuckers on here. Absolutely crackers. Fair enough if people can respectfully say "yes that would bother me xyz" but the absolute nonsense and bile is uncalled for!!!

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter

Do it!!!!! And upload a photo you could sell them!

@Withthemonsters

There’s a difference between being one of the couple unhappy with being told they can’t see a friend ... and the friend themselves.

If my husband told me I couldn’t see a male friend, I wouldn’t stand for it. I’d tell him where to go. BUT...as the friend you can’t and shouldn’t get that involved in another couple’s relationship. Particularly if you are only friends with half of that couple.

Majority of people here don’t seem to be saying it’s fair...but they are saying it wouldn’t have been the op’s place to challenge the fairness of it. It’s down to the couple.

If I was the female friend and the wife told me to back off, I would. End of. In this example it is undoubtedly cruel due to what the op went through and I’d like to think I’d have been more understanding personally.

One last thing, I don’t agree that losing ones husband makes you into a man eater after other people’s husbands. The idea of that is indeed ludicrous. Sadly the wife couldn’t see that.

So if your husband banned you from seeing your friends tomorrow you'd be ok with that? And you'd respect that? And you'd expect your friends to not question it?
Because I'd call it emotional abuse and controlling behaviour, not normal boundaries.

This! If a partner told me not to see certain friends I’d tell them to get lost.

If a friend’s partner phoned me and told me to stop being friends with their partner/my friend, I’d also tell them to get lost. No way would I “respect” such lunacy.

This is not about men and women being friends.

You knew, from your knowledgeable comments on her behaviour, that this would be an issue for her. She was probably jealous, possibly controlling and obviously insecure, you have said as much yourself.

You may have wanted everybody to be au fait with your friendship but forcing it to be, with someone who was struggling was unfair.

If a friend’s partner phoned me and told me to stop being friends with their partner/my friend, I’d also tell them to get lost. No way would I “respect” such lunacy.

This would put your friend in a very difficult position where they would no doubt have to choose between their wife (potentially family unit) and you.
The wife wouldn’t turn around say ‘ok then’ and allow things to carry on as they were (assuming she was jealous and possessive to begin with).
Unless the friend is willing to leave his wife, you could not win this one, so it would t be worth the aggro of getting involved.