Would you be ok with your husband going to the cinema with a female friend?

[JizzPigeon22]

I have a friend who I’ve known since I was 3 years old. Last year he got a job in a pub directly across the road from my house so I see him quite often as he will occasionally stop by after a shift for a coffee or to see my kids, who they refer to as their uncle, they’re all very close. Over the years we’ve been to festivals together, holidays, camping trips etc. He was the best man at my wedding. Last year my husband passed away and my friend was great in helping sort things out, and just to have someone to chat to. We both like marvel films, which his wife hates, so when the new avengers film came out last year he bought tickets for the first showing as it was at 12 noon so we had time to watch it before getting the kids from school. His wife was at work and he was doing the school run.
She went absolutely apoplectic with rage when she found it. Said that going to the cinema was something couples do, I was desperate to get a man because my husband had died and now I was lonely etc. My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage.
I hadn’t really thought about it till today when it came up in conversation with 2 other friends who had very different views. One was of the opinion that it was fine, the other of the opinion that it’s never ok for men and women who are married to socialise like that as it’s disrespectful.

Aibu to think the cinema with a friend is fine? She’s fine with him coming to my house but not the cinema? I just found it such a bizzare reaction and the nasty things she said about me following my husbands death were pretty unforgivable.

@DBML We'll have to agree to disagree then because if one of my friends told me their partner had banned them from seeing me, I'd definitely wouldn't just say "ok" and leave it there, I'd be concerned for them.

@Withthemonsters

But serious question, what could you hope to do? Genuinely interested.

If a friend confided in me that their partner had banned them from seeing certain friends I’d encourage them to keep the friends and ditch the partner

And if they want to stay with their partner?

Then I’d make my feelings about their partner’s behaviour very clear and tell them I’d support them when they’re ready to leave such a controlling relationship

What I would have done would be:

1. Apologise to the wife and explain that I valued her husbands friendship.
2. Thanked her for allowing him to support me during a difficult time.
3. Agree to stand back, explaining I would not want to get in the way of the relationship I know he cherished.
4. Tell her that I hope in the future that we can all enjoy each other’s friendship again.
5. Tell him I respect his marriage, appreciate his friendship and will be there once he has sorted things out with his wife.

I would then back off and be there ready for him when and if he needed me, especially as I would assume his wife was slightly crazy and would wonder if their relationship would last anyway.

As @Staringpoodleplottingrottie says, and clearly the OP's friend didn't agree with his wife's behaviour because he left her

If a friend confided in me that their partner didn't like them seeing certain friends, and that they wanted to stay with their partner, I'd tell them that I hoped the friends would be around to pick up the pieces when the relationship ended because of possessiveness/controlling behaviour.

If the friend in question was a female friend that OP had known for 20 or so years, prior to her or her female friend meeting their respective spouses, would this be an issue? Because I think therein lies the answer.

The male friend of mine I spoke of earlier, I have known for around 10 years. I've known DH for 28 years. I have been to my friend's house on my own, he's been here when DH isn't. He's taken me out for the day from time to time. We don't do cinemas and things as he has a few issues with those situations. I view him as a brother, he sees me as his sister. He's good friends with DH.

Roller coaster of a thread

I personally would not be bothered by a noon showing of a film franchise I didn’t like. TBH I don’t even think I’d be bothered if it were an evening showing of something I did like. However (this might be different from this case) the females my husband is friends with are all people I’m friends with as well. IE, they aren’t exclusive friendships which I feel left out of.

@JizzPigeon22

I was not the reason for the end of their fucking marriage, Jesus Christ. They split up 8 months later for entirely different reasons.

I don't understand OP because you have also said "My friend was so disgusted with her that it almost ended their marriage"

Thanked her for allowing him to support me during a difficult time.

Ooooh. No.

"Thank you you are allowing my lifelong friend support me after my DH died. Externally grateful."

God.

Maybe we as women should just stop pondering to controlling and ridiculous demand. We don't always have to be the lovely girls. We can stand up for what's right, for ourselves and against people who think friendship bereavement support by a friend must be first allowed by their partner...

Eternally, not externally 😂

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I understand what you are saying, but at the same time I would not want to aggravate the situation because I would hope one day that I could have a relationship with my friend again. Pissing off his wife further would not do that, it would likely cause further problems in his marriage and possible push her to make him choose. Then he’d likely choose her (and his kids).

I’d be respectful and diplomatic and hope she could see how silly she was being and that I was no threat.

Would just like to reiterate AGAIN that we had been to the cinema plenty of time before and it had never been a problem. Only then, because I was no longer (owned?) partnered was it suddenly a problem.

I wouldn't care for pissing off the wife. I genuinely cannot care for people who think it's ok to take close friend away from recently bereaved friend with yound children just because they have insecurity issues.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

And that’s fair enough.

But then you might find wifey hates you even more, because now you are fighting to keep ‘her man’.

As long as he stays with her then, you won’t get another look-in.

I agree it’s wrong. But there are all sorts of people and all sorts of relationships and op had the misfortune of this particular wife to her friend. There are no relationship police to call, so it’s down to the male friend and there’s nothing you can really do.

I hope you can see where I’m coming from. I’m not saying that this is ok, it’s just what it is.

She was probably jealous, possibly controlling and obviously insecure,...
She was probably near the cinema, meeting up with the bloke she's living with now.

If I was the female friend and the wife told me to back off, I would. End of

@DBML how would you explain that to the person you've been best friends with since you were three years old? Or would you just ghost him without a thought?

@saraclara

Of course not.

I’d say, your wife is struggling with our friendship. I’ll completely understand if you need to work on that for a while and I’ll catch up with you whenever we can.

@JizzPigeon22

Would just like to reiterate AGAIN that we had been to the cinema plenty of time before and it had never been a problem. Only then, because I was no longer (owned?) partnered was it suddenly a problem.

I can't imagine how frustrating this thread must be for you. Well done for sticking it out and even managing some humour.

People simply are not getting it. Her reaction was purely because you were suddenly 'available'. Three months into widowhood and she had no empathy for your grief, just fear of your need of a man to fill your various holes.
And the scary thing is that there are lots of women like her, if this thread is anything to go by. I wouldn't wish widowhood on anyone. It's crap. But maybe thes people could try just for a moment, to imagine what it must be like to suddenly lose your husband, and then be treated as a pariah by other women.

@myohmywhatawonderfulday rtft, wife is now ex and living with another man.

the friend you can’t and shouldn’t get that involved in another couple’s relationship to he'll with that. That isn't how my friendships work. If one of us is in an abusive relationship, we'd speak up not back off.

[quote DBML]@Withthemonsters

But serious question, what could you hope to do? Genuinely interested.[/quote]
I'd tell the friend that imo he was being abusive and unreasonable and I would offer to work around anything they needed to keep me in their life so they didn't become isolated and vulnerable. If they insisted they really couldn't see me, I'd suggest we stayed in touch by phone. As a last resort I'd suggest putting me in their phone under a new name and just keeping me there if they needed me. If we had mutual friends I'd raise my concerns to them, someone like Withthemonsters. I would keep their phone number.

[quote DBML]@SchrodingersImmigrant

I understand what you are saying, but at the same time I would not want to aggravate the situation because I would hope one day that I could have a relationship with my friend again. Pissing off his wife further would not do that, it would likely cause further problems in his marriage and possible push her to make him choose. Then he’d likely choose her (and his kids).

I’d be respectful and diplomatic and hope she could see how silly she was being and that I was no threat.[/quote]
And you think the answer is to be obsequious? To plead such gratitude that she has allowed her husband to have friendships??

@SleepingStandingUp

Thing is, you are very quick to label it as abusive. You don’t know what was going on in their marriage. You don’t know if he was saying that the op was the one who wanted to meet. You don’t know if he was spending time with his wife as well. You don’t know if he was leaving her to cook and clean whilst he was off to the cinema.

Even op can’t know the ins and outs of their relationship...only what he chose to tell op.

Perhaps the wife just had enough of being left alone? Perhaps it was a problem before, but became a greater problem with time. You just don’t know. Maybe her insecurities stem from other EA’s he’s had, even affairs. You just don’t know.

And, many EA begin as friendships, maybe the wife was really scared this would happen to her. Perhaps talking to her husband didn’t help.

Which is why I personally would behave respectfully and try to understand and see things from other people’s points of view. Give them a bit of space. If it’s a bad marriage (and in this case it was) it’ll come to an end without my interference and escalating of the drama.

It’s fine to give advice e.g. ‘friend I’m really concerned about you. Please speak to someone about what’s going on even if it’s not me’.

But to go off on one and get into it with the wife, labelling it abuse and refusing to back off from ‘your friend’ helps no one.

@SleepingStandingUp

I think it’s polite to be polite. If her husband was spending a lot of time with me, then I would be grateful. As time spent with me is not time spent with her.