‘I won’t be employing women with children again’

[Everhopefulhev]

AIBU in feeling really wound up by this comment?
I’ve just had to quit my new job as my childcare arrangement fell through which is shit for my employer because obviously they could do without having to find someone else. However, whilst talking to my current boss he said ‘I won’t be employing women with children again’ and told me not to take it personally or think he’s a dick for saying it.
Is this just an example of the problems women face in the workplace? Just because I didn’t work out for them they are disqualifying any further woman with a child?
I just find this type of thing infuriating.

Loads of bosses think and act like this. I went back to the NHS because I was sick of it.
I got every private hob I applied for because I am past the menopause andf they would often say to me after I got the jon, we don't employ women of childbearing age just old women and young men.
Charming.

There was a time when I would have been outraged at the comment OP’s boss made.

However, over the last five years having seen the carte Blanche women with children at my workplace seem to have for ripping the piss - and the toll it takes on the rest of us - I have some sympathy for the boss’s expression of frustration .

You're right because I wouldn't have chose to have a child with one 🤷‍♀️ we all know deep down what our partners are like - it's rare they hide their true colours to the extent it's such a surprise after children come along

Ha ha ha now I know you’re taking the piss

OP's situation is difficult, but posters are not, on the whole, referring to absent fathers but couples, where the caring responsibilities fall predominantly to the mother, which means her employer is inconvenienced far more often than the father's is.

"Many employers filter out women of child bearing age especially if they are married and catholic."
Bullshit! Happened to my Irish mum here in fifties. That's it. I'm Catholic. Sister is. Cousins are. Never experienced it.
And [whispers it] Catholic women use contraception.

But, that man was a twat.

Ironically my husband is just having this conversation with his employer who wants him back in the office. He can't, because the after-school clubs aren't starting up again in Sept.

OP, your boss is a dick, and fathers need to pull their weight.

You should have told your ex partner to stump up the extra cost

This statement is ridiculous. You can't force another adult to do anything that they don't want to. Some people have responsible and decent ex partners and some very unlucky women have absolute bastards.

I understand his frustration and yours. It is so wrong women have to quit with due to childcare issues and it is wrong businesses, especially SME’s invest time and money in a new employee for nothing.

OP is there no way you and the employer can come up with a flexible way of working?

Well what do you expect, employers need people who show up. I feel sorry for sp's because they don't have anyone to share child rearing with, but if you have a partner, it's not the employers fault the partner refuses to do their share.
it would be the same if men gave up their jobs because the women wouldn't step up.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g

This sort of thing makes my blood boil. The OP is being a responsible parent and is paying the price along with all other women of childbearing age because her near-employer now thinks women of that age are high risk. Meanwhile, her child's father, who by her account is ducking all his responsibilities to his child and his ex-partner, is getting off scot free in employment terms. Thousands of other men are doing similar. Why do we as a society tolerate this? Why aren't these parents who refuse to parent told in no uncertain terms by their families, friends, neighbours, colleagues and bosses that they are a disgrace? Why don't we as a society fund and back the CSA to collect the maintenance these deadbeats refuse to cough up for their own flesh and blood?

Good luck, OP. The silver lining may be that you've dodged a bullet there. First time your little one was ill and you had to ring in sick your card would have been marked, from the sound of it.

Not read the full thread but I agree with every word of this.

Juggling childcare and work is so difficult, there aren't many women who are able to rely on a never ending source of extended family and unfortunately our society is still set up so that the mother is expected to be the primary carer and compromise her career with her family responsibilities. At least that is what I see of my friends, family and my experience.

Can you email him and say something such as following our call, paraphrase back the conversation, and ask him for a reference. Write it not as a complaint but to see if he confirms or clarifies the conversation so you have it in writing..

While he shouldn't have said it, i think we'd all be stupid to assume that a woman of childbearing age is as attractive an employee prospect as a man. Especially when so many women choose to have children with wasters, or let the fathers of their children get away with doing jack shit.

@WorraLiberty

IntermittentParps

On your first, that is the school's fault and not the mother's, no? It's an example of entrenched sexism and assumptions about roles.

It's the fault of whichever parent filled in the form and put the mother's phone number as the first emergency contact.

Schools often ignore this.

I’m the first contact at my sons school (Dad)
My cousin is the second contact (female) in the relationship to child box it says aunt.

Guess who they always phone first every single time.

Ivfdreaming, what my ex did was a total shocker. The last thing I or anyone else expected. I thought we were doing things right. We were married, buying a house, both working and successful childcare arrangements in place etc. Then a huge huge bombshell blew my life apart and left me a lone parent. Anyone who thinks it could never happen to them is naive.

@Devlesko you wrote as though you include all single parents. I’m a lone parent, worked throughout my daughters life who is now a teen, and used the same childcare options as two working parent families.

Years ago I had a female boss when I returned from having a horrendous m/c and a hospital D&C, she said to me "I am so relieved you lost it, I didn't know what I would have done if you had to have gone on maternity etc" - I never said a word, I was in shock.

Jesus that's awful.

When I told my manager I was pregnant he asked me if I was planning on keeping it!

"Now? Get them into a holiday club; pay for a Bubbly babysitter; swap with another parent."
Option 2 might just be possible, but this is something that's a very temporary measure in my experience. Most 'babysitters' I have considered state they won't pick up from school, for example.
Option 3 - Look up the court case for DCs Leanne Shepherd and Lucy Jarrett. This also shows up some of the legislation around what is forbidden to constitute babysitting or childminding.
Any other suggestions?

Wow have Rights for Fathers migrated to this thread with their sexist views.

Hate to say it, but all the women I've worked with that have kids are very entitled
If I ever have kids, I hope I never become that entitled
They actually expect you to carry them just because they have kids
I've met one man like this too, despite his wife being a stay at home mother

Employers can't just pay single mothers more to compensate for them having had children with utter wasters!

The CMS system should be tighter. It should be a legal requirement that a non resident parent pays a minimum contribution of 50% of a 40 hour weeks worth of childcare to the RP at a statutory rate eg £5 per hour, into a childcare account similar to those operated for tax free childcare etc.

But for all those saying maternity leave wrecks your career more than a young guy taking a year out travelling, rubbish. I work in a large corporate surrounded by women who work full time, have had 2 or 3 children and taken a year off for each (me included). One of those women is in a c-suite role. Another is a head of an important division. She spent several years working part time and it hasnt stopped her reaching this role. I've been working part time myself.

The key thing is all these women have forced their husbands to share the load. They do either drop off or pick up, not both, so each can work a full day. When my son had chicken pox, I took 1 day off but because it was the busy season in my role, my husband took 3 days.

We discussed how childcare etc would work before we had the children and it was crystal clear what the expectations were.

I don't think that's particularly normal SimonJT

Plus it can be easily rectified by asking them to make a note on the form, to definitely contact the first number.

Not sure why some posters are going on about the CSA (which is the CMS these days). The OP hasn't said anything to indicate that the father isn't paying maintenance.

Whilst I can understand his frustration, the comment by the OP's manager is appalling. He is a dick for saying it whatever he thinks. If he acts as he says his company will be guilty of sex discrimination which could end up being costly for them.

As the OP says this is a huge corporate, I suspect the company would be extremely unhappy at the manager's behaviour. If it were me, I would report it to them.

This is just another example of the patriarchal society that we have to put up with.

The person who was the worst when dealing with mothers' problems around childcare was a woman!! Her view was that she'd managed it, so could every other woman.

On some level I can understand his point and it is bloody annoying to employ someone and then invest in them and they ha e to leave....however, the attitude is sexist and discriminatory towards all women and includes those of us who are childless. We too benefit from flexible working arrangements, as do women with older children or even those with grandchildren....oh, and men too. What he is implying is that we/ these other groups are employed because we/they are expected to never need flexibility or time off for life stuff - and that's not just true.

OP I'd think that you had a lucky escape from an unsympathetic dinosaur of a boss working for an old fashioned inflexible company. The,sort of company who is only going to end up,with employees who no one else will want because the truth is there is no need for inflexible arrangements for anyone and so the good people will,walk.

Good,luck.