‘I won’t be employing women with children again’

[Everhopefulhev]

AIBU in feeling really wound up by this comment?
I’ve just had to quit my new job as my childcare arrangement fell through which is shit for my employer because obviously they could do without having to find someone else. However, whilst talking to my current boss he said ‘I won’t be employing women with children again’ and told me not to take it personally or think he’s a dick for saying it.
Is this just an example of the problems women face in the workplace? Just because I didn’t work out for them they are disqualifying any further woman with a child?
I just find this type of thing infuriating.

[katy1213]

But it's not your employer's fault that the father of your child is a narcissistic dick!

[IntermittentParps]

How do bosses feel about employing MEN with children? Oh, that's right, it never comes up. Men arrange their lives so they can continue working and not have to worry about childcare for THEIR kids.

If I was an employer I wouldn’t want to hire women when they will only be doing half a job and won’t hold their men accountable for their responsibilities.
Why are men not themselves accountable for their responsibilities? Why must women hold them to account?

[mathanxiety]

The other set of grandparents are the parents of her narcissist ex. There is no way she would be able to safely involve these people without paying some sort of hefty price, @LouiseTrees.

.......
@Everhopefulhev
Your situation is an illustration of why mothers, and especially single mothers, will never gain financial parity with men.
Attitude of the employer + Jobs don't pay enough to make reliable childcare affordable + Employment relies on availability of free childcare by family to ensure enough income to stay afloat

= Single mothers shafted.

[Flutterpieandpinkieshy]

OP.

What he said was diabolical. No other word for it. I can't believe posters are doubting your ability to source other childcare... To me it's pretty obvious that you've quit your job because every other avenue had been exhausted.

Will you and your DC be okay?

[botswanabanana]

I got told when I left my job for similar reasons they will be looking for someone with "no other ties"

This was for an entry level job, part time hours, at a national charity.

dreamin

[sunglasses123]

I can see both sides. CC is expensive. But I have worked for a large company for many years (dont work there now) and it was good employing women, very good but there were a sizeable minoirty of women who took the pixx. Constantly 'off sick' wanted to work at home to save on childcare, were never around when something needed doing.

They gave the rest of us a bad name and eventually middle management who were women became less and less. Very sad but I wanted to shake those women who were swinging the lead and say - thanks - you have spoilt if for the rest of us

[Everhopefulhev]

@raspberryk yes I did look in to these options.

[RachelLyg]

married and catholic.

How on earth does an employer / potential employer know what religion you are? Do you put it on your CV or point it out at interview?

I’m C of E but I only show up for family occasions, so I’m nominal rather than active. At which point am I obliged to discuss this with my employer or during an interview process?

[SquishySquirmy]

As posters have pointed out it SHOULDN'T be solely the mother's responsibility.
However, all too often it is, as has been highlighted during the pandemic.
Good fathers of course step up when required so that the load is shared.

So what your boss really wants to do is "only employ childless people and shit fathers"

[BBCONEANDTWO]

He shouldn't have said that but I get a bit miffed where I work with some women using the old childcare thing to get all the best holidays and stuff - it's like just 'cos my kids are grown up I should let them take easter off Christmas and New Year and just put up with the leftovers.

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

I expect there are plenty of men who take the piss too. Friends of ours have a young adult child who took a year out of his extremely responsible and well-paid job to have a belated gap year. Now he's back at work. I doubt that will impede his progression in the way that a year's maternity leave would have done.

[Everhopefulhev]

@katy1213 what a bizarre input - I am not sure I’ve made that my employers problem nor have I even mentioned my ex to my employer.
I had childcare agreed and in place before I took the job. Took job - childcare fell through, I could no longer do the job.
It’s not my employers fault they can’t facilitate me part time, I agree. I haven’t complained about that.
I complained about the sexist and unnecessary comment that was made.
I’m unsure why you’re insinuating I’m making my ex my employers problem - perhaps to make a dig that I chose to have a child with the wrong person like others on here?

[mathanxiety]

katy1213

But it's not your employer's fault that the father of your child is a narcissistic dick!

He's not going to offer part time work for her or raise her salary to make working affordable all the same, is he?

There are hundreds of thousands of single mothers of young children in the UK. On a wider scale, the failure of wages to keep up with childcare costs is a huge cost to the economy because when mothers can't afford to work they are not paying taxes. They are relying on welfare, in other words the taxes of those who can afford to work, to keep the wolf from the door.

There are all sorts of knock on effects of mothers being de facto excluded from the workforce or underemployed, including MH of the women, welfare of children, MH of children, and educational attainment of children, on the wider scale (there will always be exceptions to the generality). All of that affects the cost to society of making it so difficult for women of childbearing age to participate in the wage economy.

[SquishySquirmy]

Oh and regarding a post comment I have been asked about "my family" in almost every interview I have had since the age of 25. The exceptions were civil service interviews where I was not asked in the interview itself but was asked in the stairwell (friendly, informal small talk) after the interview finished.

So although employers are in theory not allowed to ask, they still do...

[cosmicpassages]

£900 a month for a childminder? I'm in the wrong job! Do you not get any of the free hours yet?

[IntermittentParps]

there were a sizeable minoirty of women who took the pixx. Constantly 'off sick' wanted to work at home to save on childcare, were never around when something needed doing.

Rather than deliberately taking the piss, they may have been trying to juggle family responsibilities around their jobs and an absent or unhelpful husband/partner.

While childcare remains so expensive, men continue to be ale to evade paying maintenance, and work remains so inflexible in terms of hours and work location, women will have to do this sort of thing and will be viewed as 'taking the piss' for it.

Imagine if one day all the women with children behaved like a lot of men do: upped and went to work even if their child was ill/had an appointment/school needed to see a parent/etc. Or separated women decided not to pay maintenance, so their child's father suddenly didn't have any money for the childcare.

It would be men who were going off sick and wanting to work at home and needing to save money.

[lifeafter50]

It is really tough being an employer atm. What would you do?

[Iwalkinmyclothing]

Most of this could be avoided if we took an approach to childcare like they do in Iceland.

[firstmentat]

OP, I really feel for you. I quit my job a couple of weeks ago too. Also a single parent (to two), in a good, reasonably senior, professional job but the school club won't open in September, I have no family in the country and a combination of two childminders for the wraparound care will be around £1700 / month, this is term time only childcare, without holiday costs. I have used all my annual leave already. The current balance is that I will be drowning every month a little bit more in debt if I return to work.
I chose to go back to academia for 2020/2021 to wait out the storm.

[RachelLyg]

@mathanxiety

It’s also difficult for people who have had a number of years out of work to return. Whether single mothers who couldn’t find adequate childcare or long term SAHPs.

OP, I know it doesn’t solve your immediate problem but could you look for a new role in the public or charity sectors? They often offer more flexible working.

[Everhopefulhev]

@lifeafter50 what would I do? Accept someone’s resignation albeit frustrating and not make derogatory comments to them. I’m not asking them to facilitate my lack of availability - I’m asking to be treated with respect.

[MotherofPearl]

What he said is appalling and wrong, and you have all my sympathy for the situation you're in OP.

[WishMyNameWasWittyNotShitty]

My Husband is extremely hands on, but unfortunately (for us both really) he earns a considerable amount more than I do, and to ensure we can actually survive my role has to take the hit when it comes to childcare.

But when shift work is involved, alongside full time childcare that would cost more than the wage I bring home, and covid preventing family/friends assisting, I can see why people (shittingly mainly women) are having to move work, leave jobs etc.

I can honestly say I have never taken the piss though, and really begrudge people implying that when people require a bit of leeway due to children they are taking the piss, sometimes you have no choice, and unfortunately nowadays a lot of families need both parents working.

OP your (ex) manager was out of order, but you do what you need to do, I hope things get sorted for you!

[Crazycrazylady]

He totally shouldn't have said it buy I have to say I sympathise a little with his point of view. I work in a small owner managed company and we've had woman start role pregnant and then go out early as soon as they're trained up. Come back and look for school holidays off/ part time hours etc, fine if you have a certain percentage of staff like this but if a large percentage are woman with small children it can be nearly impossible to manage and run a business. From my own teams point of view it's always the woman the school ring first in in case of illness and it's always the women looking for flexible hours etc never the men, I often think by letting them away with it we are our own worst Enemy.

[ivfdreaming]

@cosmicpassages

£900 a month for a childminder? I'm in the wrong job! Do you not get any of the free hours yet?

Yup that's about right and actually on the cheaper end of the scale - in London it's a LOT more
Full time nursery is more like £1200-£1500

I'm pregnant with twins so have been doing a lot of research and maths lately 🤣

My DD was £850 a month - about £35 per day for a childminder. Nursery is more like £55-65 money 💴 💴