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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect him to help out? Am I insane?!

100 replies

Bumblebee151 · 05/08/2020 14:31

DH is working from home since March, and will be until next year. During his lunch hour every day, he swans downstairs and out the door to get himself a "nice" coffee and a sandwich. I do the food shop every week and make sure there is plenty for lunches each day. We have a toddler and a baby. I was on maternity leave which extended into being temporarily laid off due to Covid.

Is it unreasonable to expect that on his lunch hour, he might ask if there's anything that he can do to help me out (empty the dishwasher, put away some laundry, get baby's lunch ready etc..)? Or is he just being a lazy arse?? Is everyone else's DH just off the grid for the whole day while working from home even on lunch?!

OP posts:
Tlollj · 05/08/2020 14:34

Well I’m tempted to ask what would you do if he wasn’t there?
But it does seem a bit mean to ignore you all and Sean off to get a coffee.

Original poster
Bumblebee151 · 05/08/2020 14:38

Until March, my DD1 had preschool for a couple of hours each morning, which allowed me time to get things done. I just can't imagine myself not even offering to do anything to help out during my lunch hour if I was WFH and he was staying home all day to look after the DC.

OP posts:
beautifulxdisasters · 05/08/2020 14:39

You're right OP, he's being a lazy arse.

He shouldn't even have to ask if "he can help" - presumably he is a functioning adult who holds down a job and therefore knows that children need feeding and dishwashers need emptying. And knows that these are things that aren't just a woman's job that he sometimes deigns to "help" with.

FizzyPink · 05/08/2020 14:39

I do think he should help out, why isn’t he making you both lunch?! Are you expected to just get on with making your own with the children?

However, my DP occasionally comes home for lunch in the middle of the day and parks himself in front of the TV and wouldn’t dream of using that time for anything else. I WFH and use any breaks I can to load the dishwasher, clean the kitchen or make a start on dinner. I just don’t think these things occur to men and they do need telling

Maoams · 05/08/2020 14:44

Does he ever offer to bring you a coffee and sandwich?

Original poster
Bumblebee151 · 05/08/2020 14:45

To be honest I think he knows well that he ought to be getting involved when he has his lunch hour free, but he'd rather avoid it altogether. He had even started sitting down to his desk extra early in the mornings and taking very short lunches (like 15 minutes), it wouldn't have annoyed me so much normally except for the fact that I knew for a fact he was not that busy.

OP posts:
netflixismysidehustle · 05/08/2020 14:45

Does he bring a coffee and sandwich back for you?

My ex worked from home sometimes and he'd occasionally eat lunch with us and would do stuff like load the dishwasher while the kettle boiled

Original poster
Bumblebee151 · 05/08/2020 14:47

@Maoams yes, he does offer. Which is funny because its usually after I've fed myself and the two kids our lunch already. Which he would've heard me doing considering we don't exactly live in a mansion.

OP posts:
FedUpAtHomeTroels · 05/08/2020 14:47

I'd expect a nice coffee too when he gets back, he's selfish, self centered.

Wingedharpy · 05/08/2020 14:54

Have you tried talking to him instead of quietly seething?

giantangryrooster · 05/08/2020 14:55

The minute you see him stepping out of the 'office' for lunch leave him with the dc and do your own things somewhere else or swan off for a break.

Original poster
Bumblebee151 · 05/08/2020 14:59

Seething is quite a dramatic way of putting it. Yes we did speak about it, I am just trying to keep my thoughts rational and expectations reasonable after months of absence of solid routine and normality, and being stuck together pretty much 24/7. But thank you for the valuable advice, obviously.

OP posts:
OntheWaves40 · 05/08/2020 15:04

I think it’s not very polite but he’s been working all morning and wants some space and fresh air but to do that every single day seems a bit over the top. What’s he like when work has finished and at weekends?

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 05/08/2020 15:04

Tomorrow near his lunchtime you have the baby ready in the buggy, toddler with a coat on. Hand them over. Rush upstairs and lock yourself in the bathroom. You are entitled to a break also.

brastrapbroken · 05/08/2020 15:07

Is it unreasonable to expect that on his lunch hour, he might ask if there's anything that he can do to help me out (empty the dishwasher, put away some laundry, get baby's lunch ready etc..)?

Honestly? Yes, I do think it is. Does he not help out 'after' work? I would expect to be able to have a break from work to eat lunch etc not to do dishes and laundry tbh.

BackwardsGoing · 05/08/2020 15:09

So sad that people have such low expectations of parents just because they happen to have a penis.

Yes he should be doing more. not because you ask him but because he is a husband and father and he should want to participate in family life.

BackwardsGoing · 05/08/2020 15:10

Oh and I know the "he needs a break from work" argument. He's at a desk, not down a fucking mine.

BurtsBeesKnees · 05/08/2020 15:11

If you made him some lunch at the same time as you did yourself and the dc's could you then ask him to 'empty the dishwasher' or something similar?

On the one hand I have quite an intensive job and when I do get lunch breaks I need to sit down and just relax. Plus if my dh didn't make me lunch when he made himself and the kids lunches I'd be a bit fed up. But I also see your point of view too.

Sit down and talk to him

TheMumblesofMumbledom · 05/08/2020 15:12

@brastrapbroken

Is it unreasonable to expect that on his lunch hour, he might ask if there's anything that he can do to help me out (empty the dishwasher, put away some laundry, get baby's lunch ready etc..)?

Honestly? Yes, I do think it is. Does he not help out 'after' work? I would expect to be able to have a break from work to eat lunch etc not to do dishes and laundry tbh.

I agree, when I take my lunch break at work I want some time not doing anything other than eating and having a drink. He is also entitled to that.

I would expect him to help out when he downs tools at the end of the working day but not during.

anon444877 · 05/08/2020 15:13

At least a couple of days a week I’d be expecting some help at his lunchtime or an offer to pick up lunch for everyone etc.

anon444877 · 05/08/2020 15:14

I don’t think normal rules apply, all the primary parents I know are looking after dc where many activities are not open, relief care such as nursery is not open, it’s harder than normal and so there needs to be give and take.

frazzledasarock · 05/08/2020 15:14

No it's not too much to expect aactually.

I 'm currently WFH along with DP, we tag team the DC and the housework and cooking.

If DP thought he could go swanning off for a coffee and sandwich for an hour at lunch I would be packing the DC off with him.

Tell him on your lunch break you take over the DC, then you get an hours calm.

He's WFH, he has no commute and it is a hell of a lot easier than chasing aroudn after two DC and doing the housework and the cooking. Unless he's going thro a busy period and needs to meet deadlines set a routine that includes him being and adult.

And next time say yes get me a sandwich and coffee and take your children with you the fresh air will help tire them.

TwentyViginti · 05/08/2020 15:15

So sad that people have such low expectations of parents just because they happen to have a penis

Indeed.

areyoubeingserviced · 05/08/2020 15:15

Stories like this make my blood boil.
When do you get a ‘lunch break’ Op?
This pandemic ( and the lockdown) has made many women realise that their husbands will do their utmost to avoid taking care of their own kids.
Op, your dh is trying to avoid doing any childcare or domestic work, hence the early starts. You can bet that he is not ‘working’ all the hours he claims to be.
Men like this are probably the type to deliberately leave the office late in order to avoid having to do any of the donkey work at home.

Seracursoren · 05/08/2020 15:20

I agree, when I take my lunch break at work I want some time not doing anything other than eating and having a drink. He is also entitled to that

When is the OP's lunch break?

No, Dh would never have done this, nor would either of us use the word "help" which means he sees it as your job. Dh used to make me a lunch first thing in the morning when he made his before he went out to work and left me behind with Ds1 when I was on maternity leave.

How about you a) wait for him to leave his desk and tell him you are going out for coffee so you can have a break and he gets to look after the children, or b) he takes both of them with him.

Having a penis does not make you an arse, but your Dh is one.