To expect him to help out? Am I insane?!

[Bumblebee151]

DH is working from home since March, and will be until next year. During his lunch hour every day, he swans downstairs and out the door to get himself a "nice" coffee and a sandwich. I do the food shop every week and make sure there is plenty for lunches each day. We have a toddler and a baby. I was on maternity leave which extended into being temporarily laid off due to Covid.

Is it unreasonable to expect that on his lunch hour, he might ask if there's anything that he can do to help me out (empty the dishwasher, put away some laundry, get baby's lunch ready etc..)? Or is he just being a lazy arse?? Is everyone else's DH just off the grid for the whole day while working from home even on lunch?!

[legalseagull]

To those who say OP IBU - when is her lunch break? Why are your expectations of men so low? I'm in the same position as you OP and DH and I take it in turns to make lunch. We'll also have a quick tidy up etc.

[TheMumblesofMumbledom]

When is the OP's lunch break?

And if he was at the office? Just because he's having to work from home shouldn't make a difference. I would say exactly the same if it was reversed and he was staying at home with his children and Op was working.

And it's just words with 'help', I could also say muck in. I get home from work much later than dh does because my commute is longer, I always ask him if he needs any help with dinner, he doesn't ever say yes btw.

[brastrapbroken]

So sad that people have such low expectations of parents just because they happen to have a penis.

Nothing to do with a penis. I don't have w penis and said I would expect to be able to have my break from work to eat my lunch not do my dishes and washing. These things can wait. Nobody is saying OP has to do them either. After work is fine. Like any other job. I always do my washing etc in the evening. FWIW the penis owner in this house does a shit load more than me.

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

How many of the people suggesting OP is BU have recently patented a baby and other children full time? I’m doing it now and it is basically impossible. So so much harder than sitting at a desk working. You are constantly pulled in two directions and there is no break for lunch or anything else. It’s not in the same ballpark as parenting one baby or looking after older kids. It’s exhausting and relentless.

OP he’s being a selfish arse. My dh has a busy and stressful job but he recognises how hard it is with both kids and the baby here so if he has time for a break he uses it to help me. Often he prefers to take the baby out to get some space. I then make everyone’s lunch and crack on with stuff for my other kids or house chores. We’re a team and I’d be fuming if he didn’t pitch in when he could.

[OoohTheStatsDontLie]

I think working away from home and looking after a toddler and a baby are both work. Both for the benefit of the family (I actually found looking after a baby and toddler harder than work but some would disagree). Anyway I dont think it's fair overall if you're both working to benefit the family and one of you gets a lot more downtime than the other. Yes it's nice to have a lunch break but it's nice to have a cup of tea or a piss by yourself when you have a toddler and a baby as well. He could have a sandwich or whatever and then at least take them for 20 or 30 min so you could just sit down for a minute. Assuming everything is equal the rest of the time.

I work 4 days and my husband does 5. On my day with the kids if he is wfh he will get up with them, eat lunch with us, and either look after them for a bit while I pop out and do something or just sit and read a book for a while, or he will finish a bit early and cut the grass or something

[Zilla1]

Not having a go but even the use of 'help' sort of employees everything is wifework to which he may occasionally 'help' and presumably be thanked. You've replied that will help you understand your expectations but as long as you think this is all your responsibility to which he may occasionally help, I suspect you may be frustrated. That said, if you change your mindset but he doesn't change his, I suspect you may be frustrated anyway.

Good luck.

[brastrapbroken]

How many of the people suggesting OP is BU have recently patented a baby and other children full time? I’m doing it now and it is basically impossible

Basically impossible? I'm sorry, what?

It's not impossible to look after babies and small children. I mean it can be hard going sometimes but it's not anywhere close to being impossible. People have done it since the beginning of time.

[DorotheaHomeAlone]

Basically impossible? I'm sorry, what?

Are you always so literal? I said I’m doing it right now.

I meant it is very, very tough and often feels impossible. Obviously people (mostly women) have no choice but to do it once the kids are here.

[Justjoshin22]

OP, I get it. I’ve been on mat leave since Christmas. I have a six month old and a 3 year old who would normally be at nursery but hasn’t for the last 5 months.
My husband is also working from home.
During the day I take care of the house stuff - kids, laundry, Shopping, dinner prep etc. My day starts at 7am latest and sometimes I feel like I don’t stop until 7.30pm.
My husband gets up at 7.30am takes his time getting ready and then disappears into his office at 8am. He does work hard- often until 5, 6 sometimes 6.30pm. However he usually takes an hour break and would pop out for coffee or a run. He’d then often be down at 4pm for a beer 🙄
Of course he deserves a break but so do I! So now, if he has an hour free, we split it so we both get a break or we will go out for a run or a coffee turn on different days. I probably wouldn’t ask him to do housework on his break - but neither do I expect him to leave lunch dishes, for example, on the side. He needs to clear and put them in dishwasher. On the days he is flat out we both just need to get on with it but that’s life.
After he finishes work we both chip in until bed time is over.
I am surprised at some of the comments above

[moveandmove]

Can you split his lunch hour and take half each? I'm wfh at the moment and an in a really busy / stressful period. I need a break in the middle of the day, my washing etc gets left until the end of the day.

[morriseysquif]

Does he disappear for an hour, is he buying himself lunch as that would piss me off proper, what a waste of money.

[alphasox]

Ridiculous. I WFH all the time which means I tidy up and do laundry on my breaks, or nip to shop for milk etc. While my DH was furloughed (with the kids off nursery) from March to July and he was on 100% kid duty and therefore we made and ate lunch and dinner together, and tidied up together, and I would still do bits around the house on my breaks (and he did housework too!), as we are a team who share our family and household duties.

[Beautiful3]

I think he is entitled to his lunch break but should help out after work.

[Meruem]

My answer would very much depend on what he does after the "work day" and at weekends. I've WFH for a long time now and I always take a full lunch break where I read or go for a walk etc. I don't do household chores in that time. So, if he's helpful at other times then I don't think it's unreasonable for him to take a break. If he doesn't help at other times then yes my answer would change.

I have raised 2 DC alone (and there were only 18mths between them), I have also worked in an office. And my paid employment has definitely been more stressful and tiring than my child raising was. I genuinely don't understand people who say mum's never get a break. The "mental load" that seems to be quoted so often was far heavier from work than anywhere else. Taking my DC for a picnic in the park or doing crafts together etc was much easier on the mind and body than a horrendous commute and 8 hours + of stress at an uncomfortable desk! Young DC also nap (I acknowledge there will be exceptions but most do) and then you can sit down for a peaceful cuppa or whatever. My grandmother had 13 children in a time where there were no modern appliances! She never got a break I'm sure, but nowadays it shouldn't be that hard with 1 or 2 DC and all modern conveniences.

[UgaBaluga82]

Take it in turns to go out for lunch.

On Mondays, wed and Fri you get an hour off at lunch time, Tues & Thurs he does.

Then swap the next week.

You're both working, so both deserve a lunch break.

He's taking you for a mug, don't let him.

[CatBatCat]

YABU to expect him to just do the things you want him to do without having to ask for it. He's not a mind reader so just tell him what it is you want him to do

[QuestionMarkNow]

YABU to expect him to ‘help out’.

He is not here to help you out. He is a father and husband and should be shouldering the preparing lunch/looking after the dcs equally with you when he is not at work. Which is the case at lunch time.

As for needing some time off to decompress after half a day of work, I’m pretty sure you never get one hour per day to decompress after the morning whilst you were doing your JOB of looking after the dcs and preparing lunch.

Besides, he is wasting money by going to buy a sandwich and a coffee when he could have the sa at home (but that would him actually having to step up rather than escaping every lunch time)

[QuestionMarkNow]

@CatBatCat

YABU to expect him to just do the things you want him to do without having to ask for it. He's not a mind reader so just tell him what it is you want him to do

I didn’t know that men had to be ASKED to do something that should be automatic, like being a father to their children.....

No need to be a mind reader. It should be very high up on his list of responsibilities and things to do (and yes also wth doing half of the HW etc... too)

[QuestionMarkNow]

@Beautiful3

I think he is entitled to his lunch break but should help out after work.

@Beautiful3, do you think that the OP has a lunch break? I mean should she be entitled to one too seeing that she has worked hard all day looking after two dcs??

[SueEllenMishke]

Stop using the term 'help out' ... it's suggests he's doing you a favour when he should be sharing the responsibility.

[TokyoSushi]

I literally cannot understand anybody saying that the OP is unreasonable! So he sits in his office all morning, working, yes, but I'm sure not absolutely flat out, swans off for lunch and 'a nice coffee' returns to his office undisturbed and then turns up at about 6pm, right?

While the OP runs about after 2 x DC, does the housework, no fancy lunch break and probably doesn't get a minutes peace.

How is that remotely fair?

[brastrapbroken]

Are you always so literal?

I'm sorry, but yes

I'm autistic. I take everything literally. I do try to read tone but it's bloody hard

[Notwiththeseknees]

Well if the OP is making her lunch and the children's lunch, why doesn't she make his and they all eat lunch together? Then he can clear up, play with kids for 10 minutes...

[SomethingNastyInTheBallPool]

YANBU. In our household the roles are reversed. When I emerge from my office, I take over childcare for a bit, so DP can have a break. It’s not massively relaxing for me, but it’s a screen break and does make me think non-work thoughts for a short time.

[CatBatCat]

I didn’t know that men had to be ASKED to do something that should be automatic, like being a father to their children.....

He shouldn't have to be asked but if he's acting like a dick then tell him so. He's swanning about just getting on with what he wants and he's not going to know she is narked off unless she tells him.

No-one gets everything right first time.