To expect him to help out? Am I insane?!

[Bumblebee151]

DH is working from home since March, and will be until next year. During his lunch hour every day, he swans downstairs and out the door to get himself a "nice" coffee and a sandwich. I do the food shop every week and make sure there is plenty for lunches each day. We have a toddler and a baby. I was on maternity leave which extended into being temporarily laid off due to Covid.

Is it unreasonable to expect that on his lunch hour, he might ask if there's anything that he can do to help me out (empty the dishwasher, put away some laundry, get baby's lunch ready etc..)? Or is he just being a lazy arse?? Is everyone else's DH just off the grid for the whole day while working from home even on lunch?!

[billy1966]

OP,
Of course he should.
You know it.
He knows it.

He's a selfish twat.
You know it.

Please buckle up and deal with it.
He'll get away with as much as he can.

He's happy to put himself first.

This is who he is.

I don't really believe you see the core character of a man until you have a couple of really young children.

I honestly don't believe you would be on here id he was great the rest of the time.

Protect yourself OP.

This destroys marriages if not dealt with.

[MizMoonshine]

When my DP works from home, I make his lunch for him. He eats it during his break and goes back to work. He wouldn't be helping me if he was in the office and I don't expect him to at home.
I'd be pissed that he was going out and wasting money every day but you seem to be feeding everyone but your OH.

[OneStepAheadOfTheToddler]

He's saving on his commuting time. He should be using that time to help you.

[Bumblingalong30s]

My partner is working from home while I look after two young children. He spends all his lunch break with us. Doesn’t do house work but does help make their lunch and feed them. Usually makes me a cup of tea. If he wanted to go out for lunch we would all go out together. I think it’s awful that you’re being left on your own by him.

[lookrain]

If it's not work for the OP to be doing all the childcare, why is it too much for her DH to get involved at lunchtime? It's pointless comparing to if he were working out of home and asking what she'd do because a) she used to work too so it's not normal for her and b) if things were back to normal most children have nursery/preschool and you get a change of scene by going to groups or activities and play dates, most of which aren't an option now, making being stuck at home with small children fucking relentless.

FWIW, DH also working from home and I'm a SAHM with toddler and reception aged DC. He generally starts work for 9 and is involved with home stuff before (unless has a conference call with an early start) and I make lunch for us all at midday. If DH can stop then he does and eats with us and plays with the Dc for a bit, if not his lunch goes in the fridge and he eats when he can. Occasionally if he's got the time he lets me get 45 mins to hide from the children, as I can't speak for anyone else, but nearly 6 months with minimal stimulation, adult company and spending the best part of 9 hours a day alone wrangling often fed-up small children is taking its toll on my happiness, whereas DH's working day doesn't look all that different to before. He appreciates I am bearing the brunt much more than him. I still try and do all the cleaning and what have you during the week so our weekends can be more relaxed, but I'd be furious if he was buggering off out the house for leisurely lunch breaks and never reciprocating.

[CouldBeOuting]

I'd be pissed that he was going out and wasting money every day but you seem to be feeding everyone but your OH.

That’s a good point! Why are you making lunch for yourself and the DCs but not for DH? Perhaps that would encourage him to spend his break at home....

[Fluffingheck]

My DH is exactly the same. Thinks he's exempt from doing anything at home, goes for a run, watches TV, and if I dare to say anything about him disappearing and not doing anything at home, he will say something along the lines of 'is that against the law?' Whereas I am also wfh, but still manage to sort out the washing, the dishwasher, the dinner. Before lockdown he WFH anyway, and I would still come home and do all the jobs. Good luck...

[Kaiserin]

@BigThunderMountainRailroad
my husband has been working from home, he’s a programmer so sits at his desk all day for long hours. I don’t expect anything off him from the hours of 9-6
I'm a programmer and I've been working from home, and that makes no sense to me.
What does he do when the code is compiling, or while running automated tests? Play Solitaire?
And does he take no breaks from his desk, to stretch his arms, back and legs? He's gonna get musculoskeletal problems at that rate.

Programming does require extended, uninterrupted periods of focus (to get "in the zone"), but no one in their right mind would do that for 7 hours straight. You take breaks every few hours, otherwise it's not sustainable.
And as it turns out, filling/emptying the dishwasher/washing machine, while the kettle is boiling, and simultaneously having a chat with your partner, is in fact a perfect break (my other favourite: watering the garden), good for your body (gives it a stretch) and good for your mind (stress-free, doesn't require much thinking, gives a quick sense of achievement)

Your husband sounds like a n00b programmer (that, or he takes breaks at his desk by playing games... While you toil on your own)

[Whybirdwhy]

Well, if it were me I would be heading out for my “break” the minute he finished work. Which is presumably teatime or maybe bedtime. And we all know how fun that is with a baby and a toddler.

YANBU

[burritofan]

He's a lazy arse.

DP did one WFH day each week during my maternity leave and it was great; he'd plonk the baby in the sling while doing emails or whatever so I could nap, he'd make me lunch, do his share of chores – the same way he'd have done chores if I hadn't been home with the baby.

It's bizarre that he's wandering off for sandwiches and coffee and behaving as though he's at the office. The whole benefit of WFH is you can use your commute/lunch time to knock a bit of life stuff on the head, like putting a wash on or giving your partner a break from the baby. And it's not helping you out, it's doing his fair share.

[billy1966]

Aka a decent man@burritofan

As compared the selfish twat that poor @Fluffingheck has ended up with.

I hope OP changes her mindset as to what is acceptable.

[Fluffingheck]

@Billy1966 that's spot on. Selfish twat sums him up perfectly...

[bungaloid]

I think pretending you are still at work whilst at home is a bit odd and unrealistic. I'm WFH since COVID-19 and my wife is a SAHM. Even when I'm in the office I can't claim to be slogging my guts out every second of the day. One of the benefits of being at home is the extra flexibility. So today I went to the tip during my lunch break and throughout the day I managed do multiple loads of washing. Yes I am truly an amazing human being / deserve a medal.

[DelphiniumBlue]

Who has a whole hour for lunch just to eat their lunch?
Everyone I know ( OK, mainly teachers) might nip out and grab a sandwich, but then they are working while they actually eat it, often supervising ( other peoples's) children at the same time.
Why does he think he gets a lunch break and you don't even get lunch, let alone a break?
If I were you, I'd ask him what time he was having lunch, and then go out myself at precisely that time.
I'm absolutely appalled that not only is he buggering off for a whole hour without a word, but that he's not getting you lunch while he's getting his own.

[StatementKnickers]

I think he's entitled to a lunch break and he may work more effectively if he sticks to a normal workday routine i.e. going out to get a sandwich at lunchtime.

I would, however, hand him the baby as soon as he logs off for the evening (5.30-6 pm?) and disappear for at least two hours.

[Redyellowpink]

Help you out with what exactly? Looking after his own children? Cleaning his own house? That is not helping you out, that is doing the bare minimum. Ffs

[Lucylivesinamushroomhouse]

Whaaaaat if my husband did this I would be outraged!!! YANBU. At the very least he should be taking one or both children with him and offering to bring you back a coffee and sandwich.

My husband has also been wfh and we’ve got 3 small children. I make lunch for us all (and by “make“ I mean get the bread, cheese and salad out and sometimes I don’t even manage that as the baby’s crying and the 3 year old has done a poo and needs her bum wiped and it’s absolute chaos). We eat as a family almost every day. It means the kids have to wait til 1 for their lunch which is pretty late but they have a mid morning toast snack and it’s 100% worth it for an hour of ADULT COMPANY!!!! Lockdown with small kids is bloody hard and I’d have gone crazy without our lunches. We totally tag team feeding the kids and clearing up. Plus he makes the coffee. Sometimes if the baby won’t settle and he has the time he’ll also take him for a spin in the running buggy before lunch to get him to sleep.

My husband has had a lovely time on lockdown - he LOVES that he’s seen so much more of the kids and than he would have done. Every so often he has back to back meetings and has to make himself a quick sandwich to take upstairs, and he’s genuinely disappointed to miss family lunch time! Or at least he’s really really good at pretending to be.

I honestly don’t know how I would have coped without him. Lockdown as a SAHP with 3 small children was really really tough.

[Bumblebee151]

I don't like the whole idea of handing the kids over to him at 5pm and going for my "break". I'm not really asking for a break, I understand that those are few and far between given the current times we're living in. And I'm not fond of that whole eye-for-an-eye style of parenting, where if he gets some free time, I get some straight afterwards. I think it makes people very bitter and it doesn't suit his personality at all because he is a bit selfish and quite competitive. He accepts that heading straight out the door at his lunchtime is unhelpful and selfish, but he 100% would've kept doing it if I hadn't said anything.

[Pumperthepumper]

Why does he not want to spend time with his kids though?

[BackwardsGoing]

So what did you say and how did he respond?

[burritofan]

I think he's entitled to a lunch break and he may work more effectively if he sticks to a normal workday routine i.e. going out to get a sandwich at lunchtime.
I think that's a load of bollocks.

And he would still be getting a lunch break from his day job if he spent it with his partner and kids, it just wouldn't be his fancy coffee and sandwich preference. But you don't necessarily get to indulge your preferences once you're a parent: he's a parent all the time, not just from 5pm, which means when he's WFH he's on parent duty in non-work hours – ie before work, after work, and on his lunch break. The same way that if he and OP were both working outside the home, the kids would have to be picked up from school/nursery, fed, bathed and put to bed before any post-work decompression free time could happen. Even if his preference would be to head to the pub or play a video game or whatever.

What was actually said, OP?

[JulesCobb]

he is a bit selfish and quite competitive. He accepts that heading straight out the door at his lunchtime is unhelpful and selfish, but he 100% would've kept doing it if I hadn't said anything.

He is selfish. Op has already before this said she knows he isnt that busy. He is deliberately extending his time in his office to avoid family life.

What jobs in the home are his responsibility? These probably need adapting while the situation is as it is. How often is he cooking dinner? How Much does he do at weekends?

Getting me time for you doesnt have to be viewed as tit for tat, op. It is Necessary for you to recharge. Go for a run, if you can. You need time out of the house too.

[billy1966]

"doesn't suit his personality" sounds like a diplomatic cover for "he might get really nasty to me, so I try not to go there, and instead walk on eggshells trying to manage the selfish twat"

Mind yourself OP.
Doesn't sound like you have a good one, just another selfish twat that puts himself first and focuses his efforts at sneakily avoiding family life any which way he can.

[howfarwevecome]

YANBU.

It is irrelevant that he wouldn't be required to help more at home on his breaks and in the mornings if he was going to an office. he's not. And OP's life isn't the same either: she's not off to coffee mornings, baby groups, getting out and about meeting up with friends and groups as you would pre-pandemic.

Everything is different right now. He's at home. he should be pulling his weight with home chores/baby as well and giving his wife a break from her monotony, too.

[OneStepAheadOfTheToddler]

I know it's a waste of money but, if you can afford it, I'd ask him to get you a 'nice' coffee and a sandwich too (and maybe fetch one for the toddler sometimes). That way he has to consider you, no one has to cook lunch or clean up, and if he refuses he just looks pathetic and selfish.

On the rest of it (dishwasher, laundry), I'd cut your workload as much as you can. Leave his plates at the side for him to deal with, don't bother with his laundry (less to hang out and fold) and do simple dinners for the kids and something quick for you. As for putting away laundry, we have a huge 'laundry box of doom' at the top of the stairs. If I'm organised, clean clothes are folded from there and put away; if I'm too busy with work, it just overflows and everyone grabs what they need directly from it. But the benefit of this approach is that sometimes DH snaps first (currently wfh too) and folds the laundry in his coffee break because the laundry box of doom annoys him far more than it does me.

I know this sounds a bit tit for tat, but helping and mutual consideration are a two way street and sometimes people need reminding of this.