Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect him to help out? Am I insane?!

100 replies

Bumblebee151 · 05/08/2020 14:31

DH is working from home since March, and will be until next year. During his lunch hour every day, he swans downstairs and out the door to get himself a "nice" coffee and a sandwich. I do the food shop every week and make sure there is plenty for lunches each day. We have a toddler and a baby. I was on maternity leave which extended into being temporarily laid off due to Covid.

Is it unreasonable to expect that on his lunch hour, he might ask if there's anything that he can do to help me out (empty the dishwasher, put away some laundry, get baby's lunch ready etc..)? Or is he just being a lazy arse?? Is everyone else's DH just off the grid for the whole day while working from home even on lunch?!

OP posts:
Home42 · 05/08/2020 17:16

I wfh full time and have done for years. I have a senior and stressful job. I still manage to throw a few loads of laundry on during the day. If I can get a lunch break and DD is home (as she is a LOT at the moment) we play a game, due some home work or just hang out. I think your DH should spend at least half of his lunch hour with the kids or doing a few jobs.

Beautiful3 · 05/08/2020 17:19

@QuestionMarkNow what will op do when her husband returns to work at the office? He can't drive home during his lunch break to help op to wash up?! If she isn't happy looking after the children as a sahm then she needs to find a job and put them into childcare. I'm a sahm, I get it. It's hard being at home with the children all day, but we all manage to sit at the table for lunch. Its not that difficult that I miss breakfast and lunch! My husband says if I dont like it, then put them in child care and get a job! (Like I used to) I agree, that is an alternative! But still enjoying being a sahm at the moment! Think the op assumes her husband is lazy, sat down at his desk all day! He is working!!!

BigThunderMountainRailroad · 05/08/2020 17:26

Sort of on the fence with this one. I definitely think he should be offering to help more. It’s quite entitled behaviour to just assume you can swan out the door and leave your family to it..

However.. my husband has been working from home, he’s a programmer so sits at his desk all day for long hours. I don’t expect anything off him from the hours of 9-6. In fact I carry him cups of tea steady, make his lunch every day and send him out for a walk or kick a ball around while I clear up the lunch. He does offer to help all the time though, if he didn’t it would probably get my back up and make me a bit less accommodating!!

BackwardsGoing · 05/08/2020 17:26

As others have said, I doubt the H is flat out. I have seen plenty of men dawdle at the office to avoid the dinner/bath/bed time of small children. Now that they are wfh they just employ different tactics.

Funnily enough I rarely saw working mothers do the same. Women, paid working or not, always tend to pick up the slack.

OP - talk to your DH. You need him to step up or you'll lose all respect for him.

QuestionMarkNow · 05/08/2020 17:32

[quote Beautiful3]@QuestionMarkNow what will op do when her husband returns to work at the office? He can't drive home during his lunch break to help op to wash up?! If she isn't happy looking after the children as a sahm then she needs to find a job and put them into childcare. I'm a sahm, I get it. It's hard being at home with the children all day, but we all manage to sit at the table for lunch. Its not that difficult that I miss breakfast and lunch! My husband says if I dont like it, then put them in child care and get a job! (Like I used to) I agree, that is an alternative! But still enjoying being a sahm at the moment! Think the op assumes her husband is lazy, sat down at his desk all day! He is working!!![/quote]
Then he won’t be at home and isn’t required to ‘help’ (be a father).

But I certainly would expect him to step up when he comes back home.

Atm he is NOT at work, therefore the rules are different. Otherwise you could also say ‘but the OP might be a single mum/go away on her own with the dcs/the DH be away for work and she will have to do it all on her own therefore she has to do it all on her own all the time’

Phineyj · 05/08/2020 17:32

I think you should take turns to go out for the posh sandwich and coffee (if your budget can stand it). 2 days each. The other one eats at home and feeds the kids. On the Friday, have lunch together.

QuestionMarkNow · 05/08/2020 17:34

And btw, I’ve seen my DH ‘working from home’. If this is his normal level of work, it’s a laugh.
So many meetings going on where he has his headset on, but never says a word, not even hello and goodbye, whilst he is also looking at stuff on his iPad/internet...
Many many breaks for a cup of tea and what not.

That’s quite far away from any work I’ve ever done.

Goingdownto · 05/08/2020 17:37

Why can't he take whichever child you want rid of most out in the buggy to collect his completely unnecessary sandwich?
He should thank his lucky stars he has a wife at home and isn't trying to wfm and mind dc, as so many have been.

Meruem · 05/08/2020 17:52

Mumsnet, the place apparently full of high earners and yet supposedly the commute is “me time” (you’ve never travelled around or into London if you think that’s the case!) and the working day is just lounging around at a desk from 9-5. (Not aimed at you OP, I don’t know what your DH does for a living).

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/08/2020 17:58

He doesn’t need to help in his lunch hr but do hand the kids over once his working hours are done!

when I worked in an office my commute time was defo me time, iPlayer catch up/ mn scrolling time. Once in the door it’s bath books and bed

CardsforKittens · 05/08/2020 18:02

I think it might depend what his work involves. I’ve been working from home for many weeks now and yet I still find Zoom meetings exhausting and challenging, and I really need a bit of a break in the middle of the day to decompress - which I find really strange because I never bothered to take a lunch break when I was in my workplace. Maybe I’m odd, but I’m finding it very hard to adjust. So I feel quite a bit of sympathy for someone who doesn’t want to spend their lunch break doing domestic work. However, once ‘office’ work is over for the day it’s absolutely time to pitch in with childcare/laundry/cooking etc.

ChristmasFluff · 05/08/2020 18:07

I'm like @Home42, my working week has involved working from home since before COVID. I've always done bits of housework before and after work and during lunchtime.

How would he cope if he lived alone? Or would he just stew in his own accumulated filth?

ThinkWittyThoughts · 05/08/2020 18:10

I'm working from home full time at the moment. DH has the kids.

As soon as my lunch break starts I am in "at home mode". Why? Because I am at home.

I don't faff for 90mins at start & end of the day because I'd normally commute. I think it'd be a bloody cheek if I ignored life around me because I'm "entitled" to a break.

katy1213 · 05/08/2020 18:13

So tomorrow you swan out the door before him. No good complaining here, stand up for yourself.

MiddlesexGirl · 05/08/2020 18:15

I wouldn't expect him to do anything to help out during his lunch break. But he should be getting you something too. You could adjust your lunch time to fit with his break.
Or actually he should be preparing his lunch at home instead of wasting money. Again I wouldn't expect him to do yours and nor would I expect you to do his.

Shallowsubmarine · 05/08/2020 18:29

Op has said before lockdown her children would be at nursery and she does have a job but is not doing it at the moment.

This is not a normal situation for her either. Her husband needs to pull his weight he sounds gross

IntermittentParps · 05/08/2020 18:49

Your question doesn't really compute because emptying HIS dishwasher, putting away HIS laundry, getting HIS baby's lunch ready etc are not things that he should 'help' with. He's a parent and a householder, he's in HIS house in the daytime and he should be doing a share of HIS work around HIS house.

I agree with the suggestion that you swan out the door before he can. Talking about it is clearly not getting through, so take action and SHOW him what it looks like when one half of a parenting/householding team is not pulling their weight.

CouldBeOuting · 05/08/2020 18:50

DH has been working from home since lockdown started. He does come down for lunch which we tend to make together and eat together. Other than that 20 minutes he is in his office working and unless I pop in to see if he wants a coffee I don’t see him or expect him to do anything - he is working. I’d be pretty cross if he swanned off to get himself some lunch without asking me if I wanted anything though.

Before the end of term when I was still going in to school he did put washing on / out on the line during his lunch “break” but as it’s the holidays I’m at home so I’m taking care of that. DS and I sometimes swan off to have a nice lunch together while DH is working though.....

Goingdownto · 05/08/2020 18:52

Why on earth isn't seeing his young dc a priority when he's on a break?

Pumperthepumper · 05/08/2020 18:53

He’s being selfish - and a rubbish father, you can’t ‘help’ someone with your own children.

LuaDipa · 05/08/2020 18:58

Dh and I are both still wfh. Even if one of us was ‘working’ and one not, I wouldn’t expect either of us to fuck off out for a leisurely lunch on a daily basis without checking if the kids are ok or asking if they wanted to come along. And my kids are a lot older and more self-sufficient than yours op.

Your work is just as valid as his and you are just as deserving of a break or at the very least a bit of adult company. He is being very selfish.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 05/08/2020 19:02

My DP doesn’t even live here but he still empties the dishwasher and makes me a tea when he’s WFH here! Your H is a shirker. Posh coffees take bloody ages to make, so he can definitely be emptying the dishwasher if he’s got time to fanny about making himself a mochachocaccino

Sexnotgender · 05/08/2020 19:03

He’s a knob. Looking after a baby and a toddler is HARD.

I definitely agree you should split the lunches, you get a free hour alternative days.

Fatted · 05/08/2020 19:06

I'm going against the grain here. If he's working, he's off limits. I'm WFH. I usually do something like put some washing on in the morning before I start in the same way I would if I was going into the office. Then when I am working, I am not to be disturbed. If I was in the office, I wouldn't pop back home on my dinner to do housework. Then when I'm done in the evening, I will happily pick up any housework that needs done.

There's too much blurring of lines between work and home as it is by being at home in the first place. My DH has managed to home school two DC and keep up with housework on his days off in the same way that he would if I was in the office all day.

ivfdreaming · 05/08/2020 19:11

To be honest I actually agree with him - I'm working from home with a 4 year old and on my lunch hour I lie on the sofa and do sod all because I've been staring at a computer screen all day whilst also trying to parent

If my DH was a stay at home parent I certainly wouldn't be offering to do anything for an hour housework wise when he's got all day to do it.....

Offering up the odd drink or sandwich if I was making one is different though

Swipe left for the next trending thread