AIBU to consider dumping someone because of their job prospects?

[hellotesting123123]

Should preface this by saying I'm 36 and looking for someone to settle down with - including children. I know everyone says that at the beginning of a relationship you should 'just chill' and not look too far into the future, but I'm not really keen to develop feelings for someone that isn't going to work practically and I'm wondering what others would do in my situation.

Got talking to a lovely man over lockdown four months ago. We bonded over loads of common interests, and then when we had our first video chat I realised he was even better looking than his pics (one of the most beautiful men I've met, but in a quirky way which sort of matches me as we're both quite petite) and also really nice to talk to.

We built up lovely regular chats, and have started meeting now lockdown restrictions have been lifted, so we've been properly dating for a little while now. Turns out we have amazing chemistry, the best sex I've ever had and that he is a really good counterpoint to my worrying and overthinking nature - just generally quite chilled and positive, and seemingly quite kind and considerate.

The only thing is his career stuff which is starting to worry me, and it's starting to come out in my behaviour a bit where I just can't relax as much as I'd like to. He's 38, and was in engineering until four years ago which apparently he hated, partially for ethical reasons because he was working in the oil and gas field. The last two years of this had been in a slightly different role, which I don't think went very well.

He then decided to take two years off and live off some of his savings, which he spent travelling (his family live overseas), chilling and spending time with his girlfriend at the time. He said he got back to London and the 'weather was so nice' he put off jobhunting for another summer, partially also because I think he didn't know what he wanted to do, and that when he got back into applying for jobs but has essentially had no luck. I don't know what kinds of jobs they've been, but he tried to apply for one a few weeks ago and was disorganised about it - left it to the last minute etc, then said he felt 'self-loathing' about it etc. I know that last year a relationship broke up partly because he was really depressed about being unemployed.

I can sense he is anxious about this situation and COVID, which has made the jobs market ridiculously competitive. He has started to build a digital skillset and is working with his second client now, a small charity, on building their website. He doesn't seem to have a clear plan about how to develop this, and being in the communications industry myself I just feel like building websites is not a great route to go down at 38 as there are teenagers who'll be able to do it better and cheaper.

It doesn't feel sustainable, but he says the skillset he used in his last career was vague and untransferrable. He said it was essentially 'sending emails and staring at excel' (I mean, that's most jobs, right?)

He's not lazy. Since I've known him he's been on a permaculture course, completely taken over and re-started a huge allotment site from scratch (on behalf of an elderly man who couldn't look after it himself), has been building this website and teaching himself those skills and also doing other random things to bring in bits of money.

But I just worry about what our financial future would be. I'm freelance myself so wouldn't get maternity leave. I do earn a very good day rate and have saved enough for a small flat deposit but it would be difficult to pay the mortgage and have a baby.

I think he's almost out of his savings and not earning much building websites. He has a flat in Australia which was a bad investment and is costing him money, so he's going to sell that, but it's not much. I know I don't know everything about his financial situation, but I do know in general men don't want to settle down or have kids until they feel financially stable.

I don't want to be waiting around for years for him to feel or be ready, but I also feel like it's too early to talk to him about this and put him under pressure. I know he's been stressed about this for a while already. Last night he said 'what if covid lasts for 3 years? I'll be 41!' etc.etc.

Am honestly thinking of just ending it, I feel like his situation is worrying me so much. Am I overreacting? Should I talk to him about it? What would you think of someone in this situation?

@Mummadeeze

My partner is not lazy but he goes from one dream to the next. He has trained in practically everything you can think of. I have always earned well so i wanted to be supportive and help him find his path. But 15 years later I have lost respect for him not stepping up a bit more and helping to support his family. I was always in the mindset that money is unimportant but I have changed my view a bit as it is tiring and occasionally stressful taking all the financial responsibility. I would give him a chance, talk to him and tell him how you feel and see whether he makes a real effort to get a job fairly quickly. But if things are the same 6 months down the line, I think I would probably cut my losses if I were in your shoes knowing what I know now.

Yes, this would frustrate and worry me. I hope in the meantime you've gotten to develop yourself and achieve some things you want to. When one partner is lost the other can feel the responsibility to always be the provider, meaning they can stay in unfulfilling jobs just to keep bread on the table while the other gets to train in everything under the sun!

@anon444877

Yes I tend to agree with *@elisandra* - it had crossed my mind that he’d been redundant or paid off at some point. We may be wrong but you aren’t wrong to have a few concerns about the long term picture.

Yes, exactly. I do think he actually saved the money - he did it through a contract role and it's been sitting in his company. I believe he saved it all in one year, when he got a particularly well paid contract.

Everyone will have different views on this. This is only my own feelings.
By mid 30s I would like to be with someone who has a career or the beginnings of a career. My husband started his own career late, after drifting from on min wage job to another, but now 10 years on he's made huge strides and provides everything for us.
People say money isn't everything, but it is. Struggling for money and living from paycheck to paycheck is not a nice way to live. Especially when you have children.
The fact he is so laid back in other areas of his life indicates to me he will be that way in the workplace too.

@Alongcameacat

A very interesting thread.

Financial stress can kill a relationship. On the other hand, someone earning a high salary can be made redundant/get ill and your financially stable life can fall apart rapidly.

How did your boyfriend earn so much originally? Was he in the right place at the right time or working unsocial hours or working away from home without having the usual day to day bills?

Why did he buy in Australia? Is it his plan to move there?

For me, having learned the hard way, being with someone who is well qualified and able to secure future employment through qualifications is hugely important.

Yes, financial stress has badly affected two of my relationships. I got tired of being the only responsible one in one of them and lost respect for my lazy boyfriend, and in the other he got seriously ill and went through all of his savings paying rent etc as he couldn't work (I also helped out). It really added a lot of stress to an already terrible situation and taught me how important it is to at least try and be sensible about savings etc.

@Summer294756

Everyone will have different views on this. This is only my own feelings. By mid 30s I would like to be with someone who has a career or the beginnings of a career. My husband started his own career late, after drifting from on min wage job to another, but now 10 years on he's made huge strides and provides everything for us. People say money isn't everything, but it is. Struggling for money and living from paycheck to paycheck is not a nice way to live. Especially when you have children. The fact he is so laid back in other areas of his life indicates to me he will be that way in the workplace too.

Yes. I grew up in a home with very little money, and it caused a lot of stress and strain on my parent's marriage. I don't want my child having to live through that, worrying about money etc. It also meant that compared to my friends, I had zero financial support which is fine, I've done okay, but in London most people - even my friends earning £100+ - had to have help from their parents to get a leg on the property ladder.

Sounds like you know what you want in life OP. Well done.

Men like this are also prone to not completing their tax returns or paying parking fines. I had a friend who was really well paid but lost ££££s because he was a chronic procrastinator. His wife once got stranded abroad with their 2 year old because he hadn't cleared their credit card and she couldn't buy a ticket home. She ended up having to do absolutely everything important in the relationship, including simple things like taking the bins out, because he could never meet a deadline.

@BackwardsGoing

Sounds like you know what you want in life OP. Well done.

Men like this are also prone to not completing their tax returns or paying parking fines. I had a friend who was really well paid but lost ££££s because he was a chronic procrastinator. His wife once got stranded abroad with their 2 year old because he hadn't cleared their credit card and she couldn't buy a ticket home. She ended up having to do absolutely everything important in the relationship, including simple things like taking the bins out, because he could never meet a deadline.

Oh god. Yes, my best friend has married a man with patchy employment. She earns very well and owns her own flat etc, but they are stuck in it with a baby because yet another job of his fell through. It has put her and her relationship through untold stress. She also project managed their wedding, organises and dresses him etc. It looks and sounds exhausting and I worry about their future in the long term.

Yes, exactly. I do think he actually saved the money - he did it through a contract role and it's been sitting in his company. I believe he saved it all in one year, when he got a particularly well paid contract.

That’s not a saver. That’s a man who suddenly earned more than he knew how to spend.

So HE QUIT WORK.

Not changed field, not retrained, not invested for his future, he quit.

He’s pissed it up the wall as surely as if he spent it actually pissing it up the wall.

I don’t know what that means for your relationship, but don’t be thinking he’s a saver.

@womanaf

Yes, exactly. I do think he actually saved the money - he did it through a contract role and it's been sitting in his company. I believe he saved it all in one year, when he got a particularly well paid contract.

That’s not a saver. That’s a man who suddenly earned more than he knew how to spend.

So HE QUIT WORK.

Not changed field, not retrained, not invested for his future, he quit.

He’s pissed it up the wall as surely as if he spent it actually pissing it up the wall.

I don’t know what that means for your relationship, but don’t be thinking he’s a saver.

Oh wow, this is a really good point!

OP,

You are a young woman. Do not apologise for wanting as good a life as you can.
You work hard and are a saver.
Do you want to have a child or marry one.
@womanaf....makes a very good point...was it a sudden windfall of a high paying contract that then allowed him to ditch work for 4 years? 4 years is a huge amount of time to have opted out of the work force.

I absolutely believe from what you have written that you are going to be the driver in this relationship of EVERYTHING.

It will be similar to pushing a car up a hill.
Always reminding him of stuff, selling ideas to him, massaging his delicate ego to just get a bloody job and contribute.

I have 20 years on you and believe me I can see that there would be nothing as tiresome as having to be the organiser, planner, thinker, provider of everything for your family as your husband happily plods along and lets you carry the whole load.

I know of a couple of younger women, approximately mid 40's and they are in this situation and they are worn out from it.

They can never have the luxury of taking time off to be with their child because their horizontal husbands cannot be depended upon.

Personally I would rather be alone than live their lives. I certainly get the very strong suggestion from them that they have huge regrets too.

It's amazing how these easy going, work shy, relaxed guys end up being minded by how powered women who end up getting caught for it all.

Because well paid men with stay at home wives, would most certainly not be carrying the mental load of the family, house and children on top of their work load.

@billy1966

OP,

You are a young woman. Do not apologise for wanting as good a life as you can.
You work hard and are a saver.
Do you want to have a child or marry one.
@womanaf....makes a very good point...was it a sudden windfall of a high paying contract that then allowed him to ditch work for 4 years? 4 years is a huge amount of time to have opted out of the work force.

I absolutely believe from what you have written that you are going to be the driver in this relationship of EVERYTHING.

It will be similar to pushing a car up a hill.
Always reminding him of stuff, selling ideas to him, massaging his delicate ego to just get a bloody job and contribute.

I have 20 years on you and believe me I can see that there would be nothing as tiresome as having to be the organiser, planner, thinker, provider of everything for your family as your husband happily plods along and lets you carry the whole load.

I know of a couple of younger women, approximately mid 40's and they are in this situation and they are worn out from it.

They can never have the luxury of taking time off to be with their child because their horizontal husbands cannot be depended upon.

Personally I would rather be alone than live their lives. I certainly get the very strong suggestion from them that they have huge regrets too.

It's amazing how these easy going, work shy, relaxed guys end up being minded by how powered women who end up getting caught for it all.

Because well paid men with stay at home wives, would most certainly not be carrying the mental load of the family, house and children on top of their work load.

Yes, this is what I'm afraid of. Thank you @billy1966 for understanding. I don't think I am asking too much. I've worked bloody hard to get where I am and I kind of expect the same from my partner - someone who's just as up for creating a good life and isn't just going to leech off of me. I have had a male flatmate for the past year who is happy for me to do all emotional labour and practical things in the flat. He doesn't work, and expects his girlfriend to pay for everything when they eat out and go on holidays etc. I believe there is a growing tribe of these Peter Pan types who are benefitting from the growing number of high-flying ambitious women out there. I don't want that dynamic.

She has taken charge of each of them encouraged them, dressed them, she even paid for elocution lessons to rid one guy of his accent and generally redesigned them.

She sounds like a cross between Lady Macbeth and Henry Higgins. How exhausting.

I think he sounds great but whether he is a great long term partner for you isn’t as clear. You don’t even know if he actually wants children.

It’s not romantic but at your age you can’t afford to wait around. You need to be trying for a baby ASAP. If he doesn’t want kids you need to move on.

I would be prioritising getting pregnant over buying a flat. You’ve got at least 30 years to earn money but potentially only a very few more to have a child.

@hellotesting123123 what was the “ideal job” that he applied for?

I have made it quite clear I'm not expecting someone to pay for me. I have said I would be happy to be the main breadwinner. But I do not want to be project managing my partner's career, or worrying unnecessarily about money as I have in previous relationships. I want a partner who can bring SOMETHING to the table

Then you have to rethink who you are attracted to if this type of scenario has happened what looks like the 3rd time.

The woman I was talking knows the type she likes. What she doesn’t like is their inability to move forward which is what she partly found attrative in the first place. She sees it as her job to move them forward. To get them to a certain level.
Her first 2 got to where she got them to then thought that was enough and stayed at that level. That’s when I think she got bored.
The one she has been with for 25 year she got him to open his own business but the relationship works because he took what she helped him set up and ran with it so he now out earns her many times over.
He is still a drifter at heart. Just not when it comes to the business

I think what I am trying to say is if you are attracted to a certain type that needs a push then you need to do the pushing if you want to get them to contribute.
Otherwise either live with the drifter and accept that is all they will be or dump, move on and rethink who you are attracted to.

I think most people have a type. I have known women who go for a certain look but who will still deny they have a type.

Have read your later posts and not other posts in between.

He’s already dicked around a woman who wanted children and was freezing her eggs. He is fully aware of this being important for women of your age yet has answered ‘shyly’ and never mentioned it again.

On the basis of that I’d say get rid. He’s either staggeringly lacking in awareness and empathy or deliberately obfuscating whilst knowing it’s an important issue for you.

Sorry to clarify I was reading your thread from the beginning and posted then switched to see all op posts and so haven’t read other people’s comments later in the thread.

If he doesn’t want to talk frankly about whether and when he wants kids he should stop dating childless women in their late 30’s. Not rocket science even for a ‘laid back’ guy.

Have you asked him how he sees the next few years? Eg would he want to move to Bristol? (Btw there’s a fairly big permaculture place here, Grow Wilder. And lots of allotments.) Rather than saying ‘I want a baby’ what does he want? For me, the money wouldn’t be so much of an issue but a lack of ambition would. So if he said ‘I’m really keen to become a gardener’ then that’d be ok. But not just drifting forever.

Thanks everyone. @TheHoneyBadger I'm not sure he dicked the egg freezing woman about, but you're right - I'm getting weird mixed vibes on the kids front. Which could be because I need to woman up and talk to him about it explicitly and clearly, and not letting him get away with a shy 'yes' to wanting kids with nothing else. I want someone that actively is excited by kids!

Going to have a chat with him next week (I'm just away on a short break) and say I need to talk about this now before things get serious. I've worried about doing this because I don't want to put pressure on a young relationship, but I guess the point is I don't want anything to progress unless I'm clear we want the same things at roughly the same time. If he wants them too maybe they won't feel like pressure?

It’s not pressure in the sense that you’re not asking him to have kids now. But you want to know that your ideas for the next few years of life are broadly similar. Or there’s no point.

Yeah. I don't know why I have such a big mental block around this!

My last serious boyfriend made me feel really guilty for bringing it up as he was sick and unable to have them and felt it was unfair and was putting him under pressure. I hardly ever mentioned them but my anxiety was growing and I felt guilty for bringing it up when I did (maybe twice).

So I think I need to get over that and just start being more upfront. If they leave it's probs a good thing.

*sick and unable to have them at that moment - although it was definitely something he could have in the future

I think there’s a crazy (and misogynistic) stigma around asking men about children and the ‘ticking clock’ of women’s fertility. Handy how that silences women and makes them think their wants and needs are shameful or demanding.

The thing is he already knows this is a big issue for women re the ex. To be honest I think allowing a relationship to go on with a woman who is so serious about wanting kids that she is freezing her eggs is dicking someone around if you don’t want them anytime soon and aren’t being totally upfront about that. We don’t know if he was upfront with her of course but his response to you would seem to imply probably not.

Yeah defo @thehoneybadger. It is crazy. All this stuff about not putting pressure on, chilling out and 'seeing how it goes' etc. You can do that AND check you're both on the same page. In fact, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to be chilled unless I have those convos, and I feel like a lot of women just swallow that anxiety for years so they can be 'cool', sometimes losing out on the chance to have children because they're made to feel guilty for speaking up when they do dare share their hopes or needs.