AIBU to consider dumping someone because of their job prospects?

[hellotesting123123]

Should preface this by saying I'm 36 and looking for someone to settle down with - including children. I know everyone says that at the beginning of a relationship you should 'just chill' and not look too far into the future, but I'm not really keen to develop feelings for someone that isn't going to work practically and I'm wondering what others would do in my situation.

Got talking to a lovely man over lockdown four months ago. We bonded over loads of common interests, and then when we had our first video chat I realised he was even better looking than his pics (one of the most beautiful men I've met, but in a quirky way which sort of matches me as we're both quite petite) and also really nice to talk to.

We built up lovely regular chats, and have started meeting now lockdown restrictions have been lifted, so we've been properly dating for a little while now. Turns out we have amazing chemistry, the best sex I've ever had and that he is a really good counterpoint to my worrying and overthinking nature - just generally quite chilled and positive, and seemingly quite kind and considerate.

The only thing is his career stuff which is starting to worry me, and it's starting to come out in my behaviour a bit where I just can't relax as much as I'd like to. He's 38, and was in engineering until four years ago which apparently he hated, partially for ethical reasons because he was working in the oil and gas field. The last two years of this had been in a slightly different role, which I don't think went very well.

He then decided to take two years off and live off some of his savings, which he spent travelling (his family live overseas), chilling and spending time with his girlfriend at the time. He said he got back to London and the 'weather was so nice' he put off jobhunting for another summer, partially also because I think he didn't know what he wanted to do, and that when he got back into applying for jobs but has essentially had no luck. I don't know what kinds of jobs they've been, but he tried to apply for one a few weeks ago and was disorganised about it - left it to the last minute etc, then said he felt 'self-loathing' about it etc. I know that last year a relationship broke up partly because he was really depressed about being unemployed.

I can sense he is anxious about this situation and COVID, which has made the jobs market ridiculously competitive. He has started to build a digital skillset and is working with his second client now, a small charity, on building their website. He doesn't seem to have a clear plan about how to develop this, and being in the communications industry myself I just feel like building websites is not a great route to go down at 38 as there are teenagers who'll be able to do it better and cheaper.

It doesn't feel sustainable, but he says the skillset he used in his last career was vague and untransferrable. He said it was essentially 'sending emails and staring at excel' (I mean, that's most jobs, right?)

He's not lazy. Since I've known him he's been on a permaculture course, completely taken over and re-started a huge allotment site from scratch (on behalf of an elderly man who couldn't look after it himself), has been building this website and teaching himself those skills and also doing other random things to bring in bits of money.

But I just worry about what our financial future would be. I'm freelance myself so wouldn't get maternity leave. I do earn a very good day rate and have saved enough for a small flat deposit but it would be difficult to pay the mortgage and have a baby.

I think he's almost out of his savings and not earning much building websites. He has a flat in Australia which was a bad investment and is costing him money, so he's going to sell that, but it's not much. I know I don't know everything about his financial situation, but I do know in general men don't want to settle down or have kids until they feel financially stable.

I don't want to be waiting around for years for him to feel or be ready, but I also feel like it's too early to talk to him about this and put him under pressure. I know he's been stressed about this for a while already. Last night he said 'what if covid lasts for 3 years? I'll be 41!' etc.etc.

Am honestly thinking of just ending it, I feel like his situation is worrying me so much. Am I overreacting? Should I talk to him about it? What would you think of someone in this situation?

Oh I'm just cynical at the moment. But why is there any reason to be unemployed for 4 years if he has an engineering degree, unless its intentional?

The story about the flat in Australia is very odd, unless he is of course Australian, in which case discount everything I've said! There must just be a lot of that type around! If he's not Australian, thats something you really can't check but which would prevent him getting a mortgage on a place with someone else, unless he has extensive equity in it.

Find out more, and not from him himself...

My husband is beautiful, kind, incredible in bed, funny, worships the ground I walk on and earns a fraction of what I do; and I don't earn a lot really. But I made sure that I am financially secure myself so that I could focus on finding the right person, not the right bank balance to marry. If you want a baby, you're going to have to sort your own finances to make sure you can do that, not try to find someone who will do it for you. So the more important conversation you should be having with him is does he want children one day or not.

@IncandescentSilver

Oh I'm just cynical at the moment. But why is there any reason to be unemployed for 4 years if he has an engineering degree, unless its intentional?

The story about the flat in Australia is very odd, unless he is of course Australian, in which case discount everything I've said! There must just be a lot of that type around! If he's not Australian, thats something you really can't check but which would prevent him getting a mortgage on a place with someone else, unless he has extensive equity in it.

Find out more, and not from him himself...

Some of DS pals who were in the oil business offshore for half the year did buy property in far flung places and spent their time there when on shore. But never anything expensive that they could not offload quickly unless they met a girl, fell in love and set up home with them so made their home out there. I guess the guy could have a partner out there, the relationship failed and she is still living there, that happens too. The guys often write the property off with the problems of being a foreigner, especially in asia.

Arent you jumping the gun a bit? Has he said he wants a future with you supporting your future children?

No, but he has hinted at this. It's only been a month or two of seeing each other in the flesh! but I'm asking mumsnetters now because if this stuff is a red flag I'd rather not pursue it regardless of what he may or may not in the future.

In what way has he hinted that he wants to settle down and have children with you? You've been together a "month or two"??

@Thisismytimetoshine 2nd paragraph of first post- she says they have been talking ad doing video calls for 4 months but 2 of those months they have been able to meet.

My partner is not lazy but he goes from one dream to the next. He has trained in practically everything you can think of. I have always earned well so i wanted to be supportive and help him find his path. But 15 years later I have lost respect for him not stepping up a bit more and helping to support his family. I was always in the mindset that money is unimportant but I have changed my view a bit as it is tiring and occasionally stressful taking all the financial responsibility. I would give him a chance, talk to him and tell him how you feel and see whether he makes a real effort to get a job fairly quickly. But if things are the same 6 months down the line, I think I would probably cut my losses if I were in your shoes knowing what I know now.

I don't think it says anywhere that he was on a rig.

He has a degree in naval engineering, and was on a ship. That's not quite the same. The ship was connected with the oil and gas platforms, and his conscience was at odds with working on those fuels for ecological reasons.

Eh

@JinglingHellsBells

I don't think it says anywhere that he was on a rig.

He has a degree in naval engineering, and was on a ship. That's not quite the same. The ship was connected with the oil and gas platforms, and his conscience was at odds with working on those fuels for ecological reasons.

Oh really, well that explains it then

Just came back to say I moved from London to Bristol 3 years ago - absolutely the best decision. I love it here.

And I know what you mean about the uncertainty, or how to even raise the conversation - it becomes this huge thing in your head. I was previously married to a lovely guy and we were about to start trying for a baby when out of nowhere he decided he no longer wanted to have children. Ever. Full stop. Which was a huge deal breaker for me (we'd never have gotten married if he'd realised this beforehand) although looking back, I do appreciate his honesty. Fast forward to my current partner - after about four months of dating, I drank rather too much wine and repeatedly asked him if he wanted children and if he was sure, because I couldn't go through that again. Woke up absolutely mortified, but he told me a few years later that that was when he realised how much he liked me - because he just thought it was hilarious instead of thinking I was completely batshit. Our little boy is 18 months on Sunday.

Basically, he's not an idiot. And he's not 18. He should be able to have a mature conversation with you about what you both imagine your lives to be like. That doesn't mean he has to put a baby in you by Tuesday, nothing needs to be entirely mapped out. But at our age, talking about our wants and plans shouldn't scare him off. Good luck, please do update!

OP,
You are anxious and that is your gut telling you something is off.

Nearly 4 years faffying around, trying to figure himself out?

That's all well and good but it is not what I would contemplate in a husband.

You need to have your shit together to raise a family, or at least have a regular income.

It is absolutely not fun to be the bearer of children, chief organiser of everything and also the main bread winner.

Women carry the mental load very often in families, it can be exhausting to do it combined with the financial load.

OP, you have experience of trying to motivate and fix a guy already.....it really isn't attractive.

Men are NOT projects for women, and he sounds like one.

Nearly 4 years faffing around is just too much IMO.

The perfect job that he just didn't get around to getting or organising himself in time for??.....that could be your life going forward.

I don't doubt that he sounds like a lovely kind man....the question is do you want to be his minder?

Do you want a partner or a man child that you end up having a baby with?

Think about what your gut is trying to tell you.

@MarthasGinYard what's the 'eh' for? The ethics or the fact he was on a ship not an oil rig? Posters were posting scenarios as if he'd been on a rig and earned megabucks when in fact he was a ship's engineer.

He does have a degree in naval engineering, and spent lots of time on big ships. I think he was managing projects rather than doing the engineering on them or something? I don't really understand tbh.

A lot of people leave the oil and gas industry as they aren't happy working in fossil fuels for environmental reasons.

I DO want stability and a clear path to what I want with someone), and more just about a sense of purpose, reliability, etc

I know we should all have a clear plan but over the years I have met a lot of people who do drift.

A female friend of dps has been in 3 relationships since we have known her.
She herself is a powerhouse (it is the only way I can describe her) Her partners have all been “drifters” when she met them.

She has taken charge of each of them encouraged them, dressed them, she even paid for elocution lessons to rid one guy of his accent and generally redesigned them.
One guy had been working on the shop floor for a couple of years. By the time they split he was managing his own store.

I know it is a newish relationship but could you almost take charge of his career.

I do think the almost reluctance to submit his application form, taking extra time to go back to work and doing anything but getting a job suggests that office based work or work he is obviously eminently qualified for might not deep down be what he wants.

I was the one who suggested landscaping and swimming pools as being an avenue to explore.

Could you suggest that he tries working, even just as a labourer type person to get his feel of what the job is about. Maybe look into doing a horticulture course on the side and going down that route and still doing his web designing in the winter months.
Or just trying different things for a set amount of time whilst doing a few minimum wage p/t jobs to bring the money in and keep his head above water whilst he finds a different career path.

Sometimes you can meet the perfect person. But for most there is always compromises
If the compromise is finding out what he wants to do then pushing him along that path then I think it is a small price to pay.
I do think he is a hard worker but atm I think he is almost rigid with fear of ending up back in a job he hated.

What was the “ideal job” that he applied for? We don’t need to suggest careers for him!

I'd move now from him, unless you're confident that you could support family financially without input from him. His history is pretty flaky, he has had ages to sort out work/a career.

If you can afford to then stay with him if he makes you happy, just don't assume he will provide much financially.

Sounds like he has a bit of Peter Pan syndrome, one of my exes had it too. He wanted kids and was nearly 10 years older than me, but wasn't in any rush (well he's a man, they don't need to be, lucky bastards).

Anyway, we broke up (for entirely different reasons), stayed friends, he went off on a gap year in his late 30s, came back and changed changed career for the fourth time, then finally got married at 44 and his wife had their first baby when he was 46.

Just rambling on about all this because it's possible that your new man has a similiar time line in mind.

I'd run from for the hills tbh

@IncandescentSilver

Oh I'm just cynical at the moment. But why is there any reason to be unemployed for 4 years if he has an engineering degree, unless its intentional?

The story about the flat in Australia is very odd, unless he is of course Australian, in which case discount everything I've said! There must just be a lot of that type around! If he's not Australian, thats something you really can't check but which would prevent him getting a mortgage on a place with someone else, unless he has extensive equity in it.

Find out more, and not from him himself...

He is Australian btw!

@Oliversmumsarmy

I DO want stability and a clear path to what I want with someone), and more just about a sense of purpose, reliability, etc

I know we should all have a clear plan but over the years I have met a lot of people who do drift.

A female friend of dps has been in 3 relationships since we have known her.
She herself is a powerhouse (it is the only way I can describe her) Her partners have all been “drifters” when she met them.

She has taken charge of each of them encouraged them, dressed them, she even paid for elocution lessons to rid one guy of his accent and generally redesigned them.
One guy had been working on the shop floor for a couple of years. By the time they split he was managing his own store.

I know it is a newish relationship but could you almost take charge of his career.

I do think the almost reluctance to submit his application form, taking extra time to go back to work and doing anything but getting a job suggests that office based work or work he is obviously eminently qualified for might not deep down be what he wants.

I was the one who suggested landscaping and swimming pools as being an avenue to explore.

Could you suggest that he tries working, even just as a labourer type person to get his feel of what the job is about. Maybe look into doing a horticulture course on the side and going down that route and still doing his web designing in the winter months.
Or just trying different things for a set amount of time whilst doing a few minimum wage p/t jobs to bring the money in and keep his head above water whilst he finds a different career path.

Sometimes you can meet the perfect person. But for most there is always compromises
If the compromise is finding out what he wants to do then pushing him along that path then I think it is a small price to pay.
I do think he is a hard worker but atm I think he is almost rigid with fear of ending up back in a job he hated.

Hm, Yes I see what you're saying but I think I've had enough of being the carer / mother for my boyfriends and having to project manage their lives - I've got enough going on with my own, trying to save money and progress my own career etc! Then if baby came I'd be project managing three lives. I want a partner who can show up equally.

@SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge

Create your own financial security.....,

Exactly.

It’s been four months and you’re already looking at his finances with a view to him financing your want of a child.

This is why I worry for my son. I want him to want a partner who loves him for him. Not for what he will provide. I’d expect him to meet his share of bills but don’t want him funding everything simply as he was born male.

@billy1966

OP, You are anxious and that is your gut telling you something is off.

Nearly 4 years faffying around, trying to figure himself out?

That's all well and good but it is not what I would contemplate in a husband.

You need to have your shit together to raise a family, or at least have a regular income.

It is absolutely not fun to be the bearer of children, chief organiser of everything and also the main bread winner.

Women carry the mental load very often in families, it can be exhausting to do it combined with the financial load.

OP, you have experience of trying to motivate and fix a guy already.....it really isn't attractive.

Men are NOT projects for women, and he sounds like one.

Nearly 4 years faffing around is just too much IMO.

The perfect job that he just didn't get around to getting or organising himself in time for??.....that could be your life going forward.

I don't doubt that he sounds like a lovely kind man....the question is do you want to be his minder?

Do you want a partner or a man child that you end up having a baby with?

Think about what your gut is trying to tell you.

Yes, exactly this. I don't think it's necessarily a foregone conclusion that he is a manchild, but I am seeing enough signs to be worried about it and I think all of your observations about emotional labour as well as financial are correct. I know where that road leads to - resentment! I'm afraid I'm too much of a feminist to stand for it.

@whatk8ydid

Just came back to say I moved from London to Bristol 3 years ago - absolutely the best decision. I love it here.

And I know what you mean about the uncertainty, or how to even raise the conversation - it becomes this huge thing in your head. I was previously married to a lovely guy and we were about to start trying for a baby when out of nowhere he decided he no longer wanted to have children. Ever. Full stop. Which was a huge deal breaker for me (we'd never have gotten married if he'd realised this beforehand) although looking back, I do appreciate his honesty. Fast forward to my current partner - after about four months of dating, I drank rather too much wine and repeatedly asked him if he wanted children and if he was sure, because I couldn't go through that again. Woke up absolutely mortified, but he told me a few years later that that was when he realised how much he liked me - because he just thought it was hilarious instead of thinking I was completely batshit. Our little boy is 18 months on Sunday.

Basically, he's not an idiot. And he's not 18. He should be able to have a mature conversation with you about what you both imagine your lives to be like. That doesn't mean he has to put a baby in you by Tuesday, nothing needs to be entirely mapped out. But at our age, talking about our wants and plans shouldn't scare him off. Good luck, please do update!

Thank you! Yes, this is what I need to do. Put my cards out on the table, but in a way that's somehow not too heavy. But as you say, maybe the right guy wouldn't care how I delivered it anyway. I hate how awkward it feels to talk about these things!

I'm sorry that happened with your ex husband. That's so strange he wouldn't tell you before marrying you!

Out of interest, what's the dating market like in Bristol? I'm worried about moving and everyone being paired up at this age! But I feel like I would love it there and am wondering if that's a silly reason to stop moving.

Not RTT.
But have been watching some YouTube about how men think now.
Seems woman lose their value after a certain age, that men are dating younger women because older woman overvalue themselves.
So think about what you want and the pool of men who might date you.

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@EmbarrassedUser Fertile at 46? Possibly but most women want and need to start a family by 40 at the latest. A 2nd or 3rd child in your early 40s is a possibility but over 40 is pushing it for a first as you don't know your fertility status.[/quote]
Worth saying I have had an accidental pregnancy before, from a situation which was pretty difficult to pregnant from. Plus fertility clinic said I have a very good ovarian reserve and fertility status (typical of a late 20s woman) and my mum conceived easily (first go) twice in mid thirties. Also looking back at the family tree, there are several large families on my maternal side - talking 7-9 children, so I'm hoping those are all good signs.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I have made it quite clear I'm not expecting someone to pay for me. I have said I would be happy to be the main breadwinner. But I do not want to be project managing my partner's career, or worrying unnecessarily about money as I have in previous relationships. I want a partner who can bring SOMETHING to the table. Four years of unemployment is worrying for a 38 year old man. I expect you'd worry if your son was directionless at that age having gone through his savings. It's about stability and security, not me being sort of gold digger.