Cut a 44 year friendship off

[Whosmadnow]

This has bothered me for a while now. I've been friends with someone for over 40 years. We have been through everything together, births, marriages, deaths etc. I saw her as the sister I never had. I even introduced her to her husband. and she mine. We shared everything together.
Her son got married a while ago and she and her DH paid for some of the wedding so could invite a few people. You can guess where this is going. No invite. Her son even spent time in my home as a holiday guest. I am so hurt, both of them were closer than my own family and I have now cut all contact with them. The worst thing is two days after the wedding her DH invited me to support him at a charity event which involved me travelling 300 miles to see him. He didn't understand why I
was so upset.
AIBU

I voted YANBU as I would feel the same. It is a bit baffling why they didn't invite you. Are you 100% sure it wouldn't be the son/bride who refused to have you there? The "hissy fit" accusation is grim though, even if they were trying to spare your feelings by not saying the son had refused to have you as a guest, no need for that. Can't help but wonder if they see the friendship the same way, maybe if you have had a lot of problems they possibly find you a bit draining? Obviously we have no way of knowing if that could be true or absolutely not.
I would cut off the friendship in your shoes (and have cut off friendships for less) however I would also examine my own behaviour and see if I might have been at fault too.

Op, when was this, I assume it did not take place in the last six months, have you interacted since?

can understand your being a bit hurt (especially as you'd lent them money for the wedding)

I missed that?

Are you saying that the OP has lent the couple who are getting married, money?

@Strugglingtodomybest

Do you know the bride OP? Have you met her? Sorry if I've missed that in your posts.

The point is the groom's parents have invited some of their own friends but not the op. It is a fairly common occurrence in larger weddings for good friends of parents to attend. The bride doesn't have to be bffs with the groom's parent's invited pals.

On re-reading, I was wrong about the money. I had read 'she paid for some of the wedding' as 'I paid for some of the wedding'. If it had been the latter, there would have been reason to be offended. As there was no money involved, I am even more baffled by the intensity of the OP's reaction. I do think that the friend was rude in her reply to the OP's questioning, and should never have used the expression 'hissy fit'. But it would be unreasonable to cut off a 40-year-friendship, where a lot of support had been given in times of trouble, just for that.

GetOffYourHighHorse I know what the point is thank you.

I was just wondering if the OP knew the bride as the parents said it was not our decision not to invite the OP. Therefore I'm wondering if the bride told them that she didn't want anyone she didn't know at her wedding.

'can understand your being a bit hurt (especially as you'd lent them money for the wedding)

I missed that?

Are you saying that the OP has lent the couple who are getting married, money?'

No, that was based on a misreading of the OP. I have asked for that post to be removed, and have posted an updated post based on a correct reading.

I don't really understand your point. It was their sons wedding so not 100% their choice. You say they have really supported you through very difficult times. If you want to cut a friendship because of a lack of invite and completely ignore all the support that's up to you.

The point is the groom's parents have invited some of their own friends but not the op. It is a fairly common occurrence in larger weddings for good friends of parents to attend. The bride doesn't have to be bffs with the groom's parent's invited pals.

At my wedding with Ex his dad was adamant he was inviting 6 of his neighbours. We paid for everything and I wasn't too happy about it. I'd never met them in my life but on the day they were lovely and couldn't thank us enough for the invite. It made his dad happy on the day so worked out well.

I’ve never been to a wedding where the mother and father of the bride and groom invites their friends. So on this basis I would say YABU.
However if this is a common thing to do then maybe you are justified in ending the friendship but I personally don’t believe so.

@Whosmadnow

I did ask why I wasn't invited, after the event, and got told that they hadn't meant to hurt me. Nothing else. They have supported me through some horrendous years and life changing events so I genuinely struggle to know why I was left out. Everyone I know and have known for decades was there. Im still so sad.

Is your life so good now that you can dump friends who have supported you through some horrendous years and life changing events over some trivial issue?

If so, I hope it stays well for you.

They didn't see a problem and just said it wasn't their decision
It will have been the bride and grooms decision. Maybe her son doesn’t like you. Maybe they didn’t want any drama because your ex was there. You can’t blame your friend for her son not inviting you.

YANBU and nobody in their right minds would disagree. Can you meet her and tell her how you feel? Or would it end up in a row and you want to avoid that? Incredibly rude and hurtful.

It would be reasonable to be offended if after 40 years your friend didn't invite you to HER wedding or similar occasion; but not her son's. She can't control what her son does.

@SoleBizzz I disagree. It was her sons wedding and he chose to invite who he wanted. What was the friend supposed to do have an argument with her son because she wanted to invite her friends too? Maybe the bride and groom couldn’t invite all of their friends as well as inviting their four parents friends.

Bride and Groom can invite who they want at the wedding.NO ONE else should have a say!!!!!I was invited to my God Daughters wedding in November 2020(parents my friends for 40 years). I made sure they (bride and groom)knew I was delighted to be invited but if they were resricted in numbers I would be happy for them to invite friends rather than me. They still wanted me!!!No idea now what will happen now with the world turned upside down.

They should have explained to you before the invitations went out that you were not invited, and the reason for this.

I think what they did was unkind, especially as your Ex was invited.

Saying you were having a 'hissy fit' is really rude.

YANBU and nobody in their right minds would disagree.

Apart from all the perfectly sane people on the thread who have said that ending a friendship of four decades which the OP herself characterises as these people helping her through castrastrophes and live-changing events because of a lack of invitation to someone else's wedding is ridiculous and melodramatic.

Also, can I point out to the posters who appear to think that the friends had the freedom to dictate significant numbers of the 150-strong guest list, that the OP's only authority for this being the case is her ex, and, as someone invited, possibly a not disinterested source?

Honestly, OP, it's possible that your friends might have been able to suggest a few guests to the bride and groom, but I'd be surprised if it were very many at all unless they're very overbearing people. And ultimately, it's the bride and groom's decision.

How close are you to their son and his wife?

Thank you so much for everyone who has replied. It has helped enormously, even those who have said YABU. I probably won't post again but I wanted to respond to some of the questions that people asked. Firstly my ex and I were still friends and neither of us had other partners. He was also surprised but felt unable to intervene which I totally understood. As far as I am aware I am not a difficult guest or an Alcoholic. I have been to many events over the years and weeks away. There was a big event recently prior to the Wedding and I went to that. I knew the bride and we got on well as far as I know.
As a final note if my friends had said to me that I wasn't going to be invited I would have totally accepted that and sent both card and present with no hard feelings. We had spoken about the wedding and talked about all the usual things connected with it. I am aware that sometimes parental friendships don't extend to children. It was more the total lack of acknowledgement of anything.
As some of you have intimated the Wedding wasn't this year. I have had no contact with them since I was accused of having a hissy fit. It hurt a lot.
Recently a mutual friend saw them and asked if we were in touch which brought it all back. My 'friend' responded saying that she would be willing to resume the friendship but that I had to take the first step.
I will not be doing that.
Thank you again to everyone who has responded. It helps to know that I was not being totally unreasonable.

I am shocked you would end such a long friendship over something so silly and that was out of your friends control.

The trouble is you have overreacted and would need to swallow your pride to apologise which I don’t think your the type to do out of stubbornness.

I don’t believe the son doesn’t like you or you’d embarrass them or anything. But maybe you are slightly difficult so seating you or something might have been a problem. Or maybe they had different reasons but whatever they were they were their reasons and as it was their wedding you or your friend don’t have a say.

Yanbu. Their reaction of calling your feelings a hissy fit says it all. I dont blame you. You seemed more like family rather than a friend so this must have been incredibly hurtful. Well done on standing up for yourself and respecting your worth.

@Whosmadnow - that response to your mutual friend is absolutely pathetic. The fact she is incapable of even apologising for not realising how much the lack of an invite, or explanation in advance of the event, would upset you, and seems to think you owe her an apology, would make me feel considerably less regretful at losing a long term friendship. I can see why you are still hurt, but unless your ex-friend has always been emotionally retarded, I don’t think she has an excuse for still sulking!

"The point is the groom's parents have invited some of their own friends but not the op."

But they still might have been people that the groom preferred?

To accuse the Op of a "hissy fit" is awful though, although to me it's odd to question why you weren't invited to a friend's son's wedding or to expect that they would tell you in advance that you weren't invited.

You haven't addressed the decades of support they provided in advance of not insisting you were invited to someone else's wedding. Support for decades through life changing difficult times.

If I was your friend and you'd cut me off due to this then said you wouldn't even be prepared to be the one to offer an olive branch I would feel so disappointed in you as a person and hurt you have gladly accepted unwavering support then written off the source of that support when you didn't get your way.

It's unbelievable the disproportionate reaction you've had to this, I can't believe it.

So they still think you over-reacted and should have just taken it on the chin, failing to understand why you were so hurt.

I don't blame you for leaving it - I would too.