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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cut a 44 year friendship off

231 replies

Whosmadnow · 04/08/2020 23:41

This has bothered me for a while now. I've been friends with someone for over 40 years. We have been through everything together, births, marriages, deaths etc. I saw her as the sister I never had. I even introduced her to her husband. and she mine. We shared everything together.
Her son got married a while ago and she and her DH paid for some of the wedding so could invite a few people. You can guess where this is going. No invite. Her son even spent time in my home as a holiday guest. I am so hurt, both of them were closer than my own family and I have now cut all contact with them. The worst thing is two days after the wedding her DH invited me to support him at a charity event which involved me travelling 300 miles to see him. He didn't understand why I
was so upset.
AIBU

OP posts:

mellowgreenspring · 05/08/2020 08:37

Are you 5? For goodness sake it's one event in their lives when they didn't invite you. If you're willing to throw away an entire friendship on that then crack on, but I think you could do with growing up, parking the whole situation and moving on.

They were right you were having a hissy fit, ultimately they can't change what happened.

MrsSpookyM · 05/08/2020 08:38

Hmm. My DM has 2 very good friends, one of whom is (in name only) my godmother.

I honestly can't stand either of them and would not invite them to my wedding. There are reasons I dislike them that have nothing to do with my DM, but I most definitely would not invite them to my wedding.

When she says it was not her decision she's right, perhaps her DS did not want to invite you? If her DS did not want to invite you then she couldn't overrule him - it's not her wedding.

Strugglingtodomybest · 05/08/2020 08:39

They didn't see a problem and just said it wasn't their decision.

Isn't this the explanation as to why you weren't invited by them? It wasn't their decision?

VictoriaBun · 05/08/2020 08:39

You feel your friends have rejected you by not inviting you to the wedding. You have known the boy from birth, and see your friend as a sister. The hurt you feel is unlikely to go away and more than likely this has marred your relationship with your friend. Will that hurt go away ? Probably not, will you forget about it, again probably not. Only you can know if in your heart you can forgive her, and perhaps in time you will, give yourself some time to see if you can move on from this. If not, then yes it has come to an end.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 05/08/2020 08:39

I don’t know if YABU or not. The bottom line is that it is their son and his bride who is getting married, they may have decided to do something very very small and the parents decided to pay to ensure close members of the family could be there (grandparents?). At the end of the day, is their son’s and his bride’s wedding and your friend may have no say on the invitees list.

When we got married we wanted 20 people in the wedding and ended up with more than 100 to accommodate our parents’ guests. I found it infuriating as although we were close to them as children, they were no longer people close to me or my boyfriend, some of them we actively disliked but we felt forced to put up with them.

Now, if it is a huge wedding where even the postman is invited and you are close to the bride and groom you have every right to feel like you do.

barbrahunter · 05/08/2020 08:40

Given the details (which some posters are ignoring) you are definitely NBU. Their response when you asked about the lack of invitation is also cruel. Even if you tried in the future, it seems to me that they have destroyed the relationship.

Porcupineinwaiting · 05/08/2020 08:40

I didnt even think to invite my parent's friends to my wedding.

I didnt either. Or inlaws friends. Had no idea this was a "thing" . Relatives and our friends. And that was after my parents paid half and inlaws paid half

Nothing was ever said.

7yo7yo · 05/08/2020 08:41

I would just cut them out without a second thought. It’s the whole dismissive attitude and the hissy for comment that would do it. The whole relationship isn’t what you thought it was.
I would however do it quietly and if (for example) you met in the street I would greet her as I always did but I would never initiate contact and I would never issue any invites to them.

mdh2020 · 05/08/2020 08:44

My son and DiL paid for their own wedding. They split the invitations three ways and we could invite 15 couples, friends and family. We discovered we had really good friends who understood our predicament and didn’t mind that they weren’t invited, weddings today are very expensive and the couple concerned decide who is invited, not their parents. Why let this affect your friendship ? We have had friends who got married without igniting us, but we carried on seeing them.

IslandbreezeNZ · 05/08/2020 08:46

@tankflybos possibly it is culture for me but in the culture that I am from respect plays into this and often as the child you have to make decisions that are not only about you but your wider family. Is it ok for your child to take your money for a wedding but then not consider that they may be causing the parents embarrassment by excluding family friends?

yearinyearout · 05/08/2020 08:48

Do you live local to them and have been seeing them regularly? Just wondering if you're more of an old friend who hardly sees them these days, and they've opted to invite a few friends who they go out to dinner with every week?

I'm not saying that was the right thing to do, just trying to work out why they thought it was ok to choose them over you.

Walkaround · 05/08/2020 08:49

@Whosmadnow - accusing you of having a “hissy fit” was pretty inflammatory! Tbh, I think something like this would damage my relationship with someone, as the behaviour is incomprehensible if you are as close to them as you always thought. At the least, you would have expected a comprehensible explanation as to why you were not being invited, as knowing you for 40 years would mean they would 100% know you would be hurt by the lack of an invite and hurt by being accused of having a hissy fit!!! Do you get on with your ex? What is his history with the son? Is there any chance they felt they couldn’t invite both of you and the son wanted him there, not you?

diddl · 05/08/2020 08:51

So you think that you should have been invited because they paid money to their son's wedding?

Is that why parents pay something-to invite their own friends??

zafferana · 05/08/2020 08:52

If you don't bin this friendship right now will you be able to get past this and return to what you had before with this woman? It's pretty fucking shit of her to invite your ex and not you and to not really have a reason why she didn't invite you. She must've realised how hurt you'd be to realise what she'd done and decided to go ahead anyway. If she cared about your feelings she'd have invited you and argued with her DS for your inclusion in the guest list. 150 people is quite a big wedding, after all.

Branleuse · 05/08/2020 08:55

id definitely be cool on them, but i dont think id flounce out of the friendship in case I regretted it.

Pelleas · 05/08/2020 09:00

Your close friendship is with the parents, not the son and his wife. Rightly or wrongly, the son may see you as someone on the periphery of his social circle and you don't mention any relationship with his wife at all. The 'hissy fit' comment was tactless but they were probably being honest when they said it wasn't their decision not to invite you.

BlogTheBlogger · 05/08/2020 09:00

Flounce, no. Leave it with dignity and wait for them to put in the effort, yes and not just want my money for a charity event

monkeyonthetable · 05/08/2020 09:03

I'm so sorry - I'd be gutted too. Tough question but is there a way in which you are difficult socially? Do you drink too much? Get too loud? Or are you one of those friends (I have some) who are absolutely wonderful 1-2-1 and in small groups but need a lot of attention. I once had a big party and one of my dearest friends followed me around the entire time treating me like a waiter, complaining she couldn't eat the rice dish because there was onion in it and that DH had given her still water when she wanted fizzy etc and my patio needed looking at as her heel almost got caught in between two stones. I was run off my feet trying to welcome and look after everyone fifty people and she wanted full-time attention on herself. I love her dearly but she is very hard work in crowds.

Whoopsmahoot · 05/08/2020 09:04

I’d be hurt. They had a choice of friends to invite and they didn’t include you. Your friendship to them is not as important as their friendship Is to you. I wouldn’t end the friendship but I would cool it.

seven201 · 05/08/2020 09:10

YABU it wasn't their wedding. Maybe they didn't want both you and your ex there, maybe they don't like your dp, maybe the bride and groom didn't want you there. I think you're massively overreacting to end a friendship for not being invited to a party. I'm not saying you're wrong to feel a bit upset, I would too, but ending a friendship is an extreme reaction.

MoreListeningLessChatting · 05/08/2020 09:16

@Whosmadnow

That must feel like a big shun for you since people that are only known to the parents and not known for as long or as well went. I totally get where you are coming from, it really must have hurt since a wedding of a child you knew since birth and had looked after really means something to lots of us.

I think their reply that you were having a hissy fit is quite nasty and telling. The invite to a charity event some 300 miles from you suggests they see you as someone to use for certain events only.

I really don't know the answer but don't blame you for feeling hurt.

Leflic · 05/08/2020 09:17

Their response “ we didn’t mean to hurt you” implies they had thought about your invite.

Do you have any social issues?
Bit of a drink problem? Prone to arguing?

Definitely some reason you were left out that isn’t yo do with your friendship per se.

Wexone · 05/08/2020 09:18

I can see both sides of the story. Currently planning my own wedding (was suppose to be last month but now next year due to covid) I can only fit 140 people in my venue. we have agonized over the guest list for ages, we also wanted a wedding that had more of our friends at it. So we have allocated both sides of the family a table of 10 each for the friends. My father has questioned why one of his friends are not invited. Myself and my boyfriend will be 15 years together this year and during this time I will say I have saw this man 5 times ( one of each of these times was my sister and brothers wedding) he also bad mouthed by partner one time while I was in my parents house when he visited. I don't want him to come as I barely know him, however I told my father if he wanted him to come some one else had come off his table of 10 so that was that

damnthatanxiety · 05/08/2020 09:29

If there is further conversation about this with them, have examples of people who were invited that you feel are less worthy (for want of a better word) than you and ask them how you could possible NOT be offended. Don't let them put this onto you having a problem. Make it clear than any reasonable person would on the basis of who WAS invited.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 05/08/2020 09:30

I would be hurt.

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