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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cut a 44 year friendship off

231 replies

Whosmadnow · 04/08/2020 23:41

This has bothered me for a while now. I've been friends with someone for over 40 years. We have been through everything together, births, marriages, deaths etc. I saw her as the sister I never had. I even introduced her to her husband. and she mine. We shared everything together.
Her son got married a while ago and she and her DH paid for some of the wedding so could invite a few people. You can guess where this is going. No invite. Her son even spent time in my home as a holiday guest. I am so hurt, both of them were closer than my own family and I have now cut all contact with them. The worst thing is two days after the wedding her DH invited me to support him at a charity event which involved me travelling 300 miles to see him. He didn't understand why I
was so upset.
AIBU

OP posts:

Jaxhog · 05/08/2020 10:12

I'd be hurt by this too, but perhaps, as someone else has suggested, she doesn't see you as a close friend anymore. I would cool off from this friendship, but not cut her off altogether.

Strugglingtodomybest · 05/08/2020 10:12

Still not her friend’s decision though. I wouldn’t dream of telling my kids who they should invite to their weddings.

Absolutely. I'm quite surprised that so many posters seem to be advocating for her friend to have forced her son to invite her.

I'm imagining how that would have gone down at my wedding, but thankfully my in-laws would never in a million years have done that.

Bateshotel · 05/08/2020 10:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

YgritteSnow · 05/08/2020 10:16

I think most people in real life would be dreadfully hurt by this OP, whatever people on here might say.

I don't think I would do a big obvious cut off and I wouldn't ever mention this to them again, but I certainly wouldn't be giving them any of my time or effort. I have pretty good boundaries though and find it quite easy to remove what isn't working or has caused me pain in my life.

Redlocks28 · 05/08/2020 10:19

I wonder what brides on the wedding board here would say about this dilemma?

Your post doesn’t really mention the bride at all in this-the groom is mentioned briefly but it’s all about your relationships with the groom’s parents.

How well do you know the bride? Are you friendly?

For them to describe you as having a hissy fit makes me wonder if they thought you might create a scene at the wedding if you went-maybe because the ex was invited-and we’re trying to ensure the day was stress-free.

SarahBellam · 05/08/2020 10:19

But it wasn’t their wedding. They didn’t get a final say over the guest list. This is barking. I would expect my best friend to invite me to her wedding if she got married again, but I wouldn’t expect her kids to invite me to their weddings. I’m not part of their lives. I was when they were younger - the families would stay at each other’s houses now and again - but they have their own lives and friends and family. You’re 300 miles away so their son probably barely knows you.

Viviennemary · 05/08/2020 10:22

At first I thought you were being a bit petty but reading your post again I think you've got a right to feel aggrieved. Such a long standing friendship and her son even stayed at your house. I agree they are users and you're not appreciated. Tell them to stuff their charity night.

VacMan · 05/08/2020 10:23

Absolutely. I'm quite surprised that so many posters seem to be advocating for her friend to have forced her son to invite her.

This wasn't the case though. The parents in question had free reign to invite some guests. They invited other mutual friends and OP's Ex.

That's why the OP is hurt.

I couldn't get over the 'hissy fit' dismissal.
I would take a step back now and let them put the effort in.

Friends are there to enhance your life. When that stops it's time to let go.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 05/08/2020 10:24

'I did speak to both of them but they didn't see the problem and just thought I was having a 'hissy fit'. Their words. They did invite other people they had not known for very long which stung a lot. '

This is awful op. The fact that they did invite other friends of theirs really spells it out to you that for whatever reason they don't see you as important to them. I'm sorry that must really hurt. Just back off and be cool with them if you don't want to actually end the friendship.

To say you were having a 'hissy fit' when you understandably queried it is dismissive crap. They don't sound very pleasant people tbh.

happytoday73 · 05/08/2020 10:28

Honestly OP I see why you are hurt but considering the wedding was at least 6 months ago (pressuming you are in the UK) then I kindly think you should let go of your hurt and disappointment.... You can hold it and let it eat you up or let it go...

As PP have said I think she sees the relationship differently than you...

Questions to ponder:
How would she describe you?
How would she describe your relationship?
How does your relationship work... Ie does she support you more than you support her?
You talk about son staying at yours and you look after him... Can't tell if that s occasional or v regular occurrence... And that would effect how likely you are to be invited.

I wouldn't cut the relationship off.. I'd mirror her.. So reduce contact to same level as her.. It'll either die off or carry on..

MiniCooperLover · 05/08/2020 10:36

I think this boils down to your hurt that your ExH was invited and you weren't. It shows they've 'chosen' him.

Strugglingtodomybest · 05/08/2020 10:36

@VacMan but the parents also said that it wasn't their decision, so to me that reads that yes, they were allowed to invite friends, but they weren't given free reign.

The80sweregreat · 05/08/2020 10:38

If they had 150 guests and didn't invite you and your dh , then you've every right to feel upset and cut them out your life.
I would be very annoyed too.
A small wedding with only family there I would say ' fair enough ' but it obviously wasn't! Horrible behavior from old friends.

tsmainsqueeze · 05/08/2020 10:45

I chose to have a small wedding , made slightly larger than i wanted by my mothers input ! , she has a 35year friendship with a woman who i can't stand neither could my late dad .No way was she coming to my wedding.
Maybe the son feels the same , some people would still get a free holiday despite their feelings .
I think your friend made an error in handling things but how do you tell someone why they are not invited if its the same reason ?

backseatcookers · 05/08/2020 10:45

I understand you feeling hurt, but you say this:

They have supported me through some horrendous years and life changing events so I genuinely struggle to know why I was left out.

They have been an incredible support to you for decades. If you want to cut contact because of the wedding, I think you're being very foolish and to be honest if they've supported you in the way it sounds they have I think it's selfish and a bit ungrateful of you to do so. Does the wedding issue really outweigh all that positive history?!

Thecobwebsarewinning · 05/08/2020 10:49

We have a group of about 8 families that we have been friends with forever. The wives were all at school together from around age 7 and the various husbands/boyfriends have palled up too. We’ve been through everything, school, uni, divorces, childbirth, cancer, bereavements etc. We’ve had many group holidays in various combinations and our D.C. have grown up like cousins to one another. We are just reaching the age where the children in the group are getting engaged /married. It’s been very interesting that some wouldn’t dream of leaving us out of celebrating these mile stone events whereas others haven’t invited anyone from the group. I think it’s probably down to the attitudes of their new partner. If they aren’t used to that sort of ‘chosen family’ they probably don’t understand it.

I had a bit of a pang when someone I’ve known since the day she was born got married and we weren’t invited. I would have liked to see her as a bride. However I’m fully aware that wedding numbers are a nightmare and very few people can invite everyone they might want so it’s just something we have to live with. I’m still fond of the bride, I look forward to meeting her husband one day (they don’t live locally) and I encouraged the mum to send me photos of the big day. I certainly wouldn’t let it spoil my 52 year friendship!

RedNun · 05/08/2020 10:50

This.

Pumperthepumper · 05/08/2020 10:51

There’s definitely more to this story - no invite to a family wedding when you’ve been such close friends for 44 years? There’s definitely a bit missing.

Redlocks28 · 05/08/2020 10:55

They have supported me through some horrendous years

Maybe the relationship has become rather one-sided? Are they often supporting you through difficult situations?

How often do you get together now?

Thecobwebsarewinning · 05/08/2020 10:57

In the U.K. where the maximum capacity of venues is (quite rightly) restricted by strictly enforced fire regulations no one actually has a fully free rein (correct spelling!) over a guest list. There will always be a limit.

I know some friends from Aisan backgrounds who have had to get married in their family’s country of origin, not because of nostalgia or convenience but because it was the only way they could accommodate the literally limitless number of guests that they are expected to host. It’s also one of the reasons why many venues don’t host traveller weddings - because they are not traditionally invitation only affairs but an open house for the whole community.

GabsAlot · 05/08/2020 10:59

if theyd tried to get you invited i think they dhould be more understanding than jsut saying dont have a hissy fit-they could have explained they askd but their son didnt want to and they feel bad

as for using your house dont let him do that again

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 05/08/2020 10:59

They sure as hell haven't raised a decent dc have they?
Inviting your ex over you shows ALL their true colours imo...

The80sweregreat · 05/08/2020 11:01

Was it the bride who had the final say here and not your friends ?
As I said before I'd be upset etc but thinking about it maybe the bride has a problem with something here and decided not to invite you? I feel there is more to this , but unless you really have a chat to them about it all , I'm not sure you will ever find out what's really going on.

Strugglingtodomybest · 05/08/2020 11:03

Do you know the bride OP? Have you met her? Sorry if I've missed that in your posts.

ddl1 · 05/08/2020 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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