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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cut a 44 year friendship off

231 replies

Whosmadnow · 04/08/2020 23:41

This has bothered me for a while now. I've been friends with someone for over 40 years. We have been through everything together, births, marriages, deaths etc. I saw her as the sister I never had. I even introduced her to her husband. and she mine. We shared everything together.
Her son got married a while ago and she and her DH paid for some of the wedding so could invite a few people. You can guess where this is going. No invite. Her son even spent time in my home as a holiday guest. I am so hurt, both of them were closer than my own family and I have now cut all contact with them. The worst thing is two days after the wedding her DH invited me to support him at a charity event which involved me travelling 300 miles to see him. He didn't understand why I
was so upset.
AIBU

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 05/08/2020 00:41

Good on you OP... you can see right through this ... stay strong and don't be mugged off by anyone ... ever 🌺

OldWomanSaysThis · 05/08/2020 00:42

It makes you wonder, had the guest list been 160 would you have made the cut? Or 185? Where do rank?

I'd probably let the friendship fizzle. Not make a big deal or anything, just let it die a slow natural death knowing that it's faded a bit in their minds' too.

Mintychoc1 · 05/08/2020 00:49

If they invited your ex, is it possible they don’t like your DH?

MNX42 · 05/08/2020 00:49

The best piece of advice I ever received with regards to friends and family was "lower your expectations". It works like a charm - I don't get hurt or offended because a I don't invest too much in them. I still get the fun times and enjoy their company when I see them but I don't go too deep. Been bitten too many times to have high expectations, which was completely my fault as I was far more. Invested in the relationship than they were.

TheChiefJo · 05/08/2020 00:55

Does your friend's son have a dislike of you? I ask as it doesn't sound like she or her husband would leave you out otherwise. You say some friends known only to her and not son and DIL were invited, so I'm wondering if son vetoed you as a guest? Rather than friend choosing not to invite you. If so, you must respect that. It may have even been very upsetting to them but they won't be able to say.

ConiferGate · 05/08/2020 00:58

I can do understand why you feel this way OP, I really can. I’d feel the same, it’s awful to realise in such an unexpected way that we don’t mean the same to other people as they do to us. I disagree the point who says lower your expectations, if you’re anything like me your relationships will fell wholly unfulfilling if you do that, even though I can see why it could work.

I think you have to stay true to yourself, it’s ok to feel hurt and take some time. It doesn’t mean your friendship is over, just that it’s not what you thought it was sadly. That could change.

TheChiefJo · 05/08/2020 01:00

Just to add, OP, I don't think YABU to be upset at all. But maybe just roll with it. Make fewer investments in the friendship and keep and open mind, rather than total cut off.

Sorry, friendship endings can be more painful than partnership ends. 💐

sorryforswearing · 05/08/2020 01:00

I couldn’t forgive this. It would be the end of the friendship for me.

TheChiefJo · 05/08/2020 01:03

@ConiferGate

"It doesn’t mean your friendship is over, just that it’s not what you thought it was sadly"

I believe that is what MNX42 meant by "lower your expectations"

alfrew · 05/08/2020 01:05

It sounds as though they couldn't give a toss that you're upset. Nasty.

I do hope you didn't send a gift.

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 05/08/2020 01:16

Everyone I know and have known for decades was there.

I voted yabu because I think almost everyone on MN is ridiculous about weddings and the various entitlements they seem to think they're due, whether they're the B&G, the parents, the in-laws or the guests, but your update (above) is pretty sad and it seems like there's more to this than you're being told.

Do you have a new partner that everyone dislikes? Does your ex have a new partner who might have delivered an awkward ultimatum about you being there? In the absence of any incidents or misunderstandings, and no other noticeable cooling off in the friendship, I agree it's all very baffling and yanbu to feel hurt. 'Hissy fit' is particularly harsh and to me hints of a guilty conscience that resented being prodded.

In your shoes, I would reflect on what might have been meant by 'it wasn't their decision', which might hold the key to this mystery. I think I would feel uncomfortable pursuing it any further except with your friend alone, and then along the lines of 'have I done anything to upset you?'

giantangryrooster · 05/08/2020 01:18

No invite, 150 guests, ex invited, 'hissy fit'? What do they take you for? Do they really think you are so sad, lonely and desparate to be treated this way and still want to maintain the friendship?

I wouldn't keep it low key, they have certainly shown how much they care about you. Delete, block, delete and get new friends.

theBelgranoSisters · 05/08/2020 01:22

What @BumbleBeee69 said! Wow-speechless..id be incredibly hurt too OP.

TheChiefJo · 05/08/2020 01:23

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

Yep. My first thought was that bride and groom might have vetoed OP for some reason.

eaglejulesk · 05/08/2020 01:46

It doesn't sound as though they have been very kind - if there was a good reason for you not to receive an invite they should have told you.

I would take a step back from this friendship to be honest.

Andahelterskelterroundmylittle · 05/08/2020 01:47

Nahhh... OP.. ditch it . She's shown you how important you are.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 05/08/2020 02:01

Whatever the reasons for not inviting you, they’ve been hugely insensitive. I’d stop making an effort with them and see what happens. The friendship will either fizzle out or your friend will realize she’s hurt you and make amends. Flowers

Josette77 · 05/08/2020 02:14

Do you get along with your ex? Is there a reason they would leave you out?

Harriedharriet · 05/08/2020 02:31

Unbelievably hurtful - especially when everyone else was invited. I do not blame you at all for being upset on this one. It is hurtful but also embarrassing too no? In your shoes I would not have any confidence left with them, and as such would let it float away. With a heavy heart.

Harriedharriet · 05/08/2020 02:31

*but embarrassing too. ....

eatsleepread · 05/08/2020 02:38

Cutting off such a long-standing friendship is extreme ... much as I understand your hurt. Thanks
Are you sure there weren't other issues in the friendship, and this was the straw that broke the camel's back? That she referred to you as having a 'hissy fit', suggests to me that you have form for being dramatic?
Otherwise it seems harsh, as I said, if this was a stand alone incident.

ReefTeeth · 05/08/2020 02:48

Yanbu

You obviously see the friendship differently, and I think stepping back is the right thing to do.

Personally I wouldn't be able to get over it. I'd probably forgive in time but definitely not forget.

northernstar0412 · 05/08/2020 02:49

The fact that they used the words "hissy fit" to me smacks of contempt, but I may be wrong. Nonetheless it is dismissive and insensitive. I would be taking a step back.

AlternativePerspective · 05/08/2020 02:59

TBH if you over react about everything in the way you have over this then it’s not hard to see why they have reacted in the way they have.

It never ceases to amaze me how quick people are on here to cut off supposed longstanding friendships over what are essentially trivialities. It wasn’t even her wedding. She said it wasn’t their decision according to her, so clearly it was her son’s decision and he doesn’t owe it to you for you to be invited to her wedding. Just because you were her friend doesn’t mean he thinks the same about you.

If the friends had said that the son just doesn’t like you and didn’t want you there would you have reacted any less? I suspect not.

My parents have some friends who are lovely people and who I’ve known all my life and would have no issue in them inviting. But they have others who I could take or leave, and if there was a cut-off I would want them to not be invited, regardless of how close they were to my parents. IF they ended a friendship with my parents over that then that would just confirm I’d made the right decision.

Pinklynx · 05/08/2020 03:05

It's not just the fact that they didn't invite you, it's that they dismissed your feelings afterwards. Hissy fit is just rude and dismissive. And if her son dislikes you so much, why did he stay in your home? I didn't invite my parents' friends to my wedding because the woman had always been rude and patronising to me. But I wouldn't have gone and stayed in her house for all the tea in China.

What's your relationship like with your ex? Is he v close to them?

Tbh I'd find it easier to dump old friendships that weren't working for me now than in my younger years. I haven't got the energy to waste on people that aren't worth it. And friendships aren't just people to pass the time with. They're either meaningful or they're not. I'm happy to have acquaintances but they're not people I've already shared a lot with.

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