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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cut a 44 year friendship off

231 replies

Whosmadnow · 04/08/2020 23:41

This has bothered me for a while now. I've been friends with someone for over 40 years. We have been through everything together, births, marriages, deaths etc. I saw her as the sister I never had. I even introduced her to her husband. and she mine. We shared everything together.
Her son got married a while ago and she and her DH paid for some of the wedding so could invite a few people. You can guess where this is going. No invite. Her son even spent time in my home as a holiday guest. I am so hurt, both of them were closer than my own family and I have now cut all contact with them. The worst thing is two days after the wedding her DH invited me to support him at a charity event which involved me travelling 300 miles to see him. He didn't understand why I
was so upset.
AIBU

OP posts:
FTstepmum · 05/08/2020 09:31

I really feel for you OP and I think your hurt is totally justified. You've been majorly rejected by someone you trust.

Do you have other friendships? I would start to develop and nurture other friendships with other people.

Don't place all your friendship eggs in one basket - you will always run the risk of being let down.

I think if you want to continue the friendship, you will have to come to a place of forgiveness, otherwise it will eat away and destroy your spirit.

My heart is out for you!

gingerbeerandlemonade · 05/08/2020 09:36

So what if they are paying for their son's wedding? It doesn't mean they get to choose the guest list. If my parents told me who I should choose then I wouldn't let them pay. YABVU

IntermittentParps · 05/08/2020 09:36

Sounds like they care for you but only had a certain amount they could invite

150 people is quite a lot though. Unless the son really didn't want OP at the wedding, I can't think of a good reason for her not to be invited.

PoppySeedSaid · 05/08/2020 09:38

I can completely understand why you are hurt. Did they explain why they invited newer friends but not you? Sometimes people take older friends for granted and make more of an effort with people they don't know so well.

I had a similar thing happen to me and as much as it's up to the other person who they invite, it does hurt and make you question the friendship. I know if they tables were turned I would have invited my friend over anyone else.

Nosuchluck · 05/08/2020 09:39

It could be that the son prefers the ex husband and wanted him there more than the OP.

MoonBabysMagicalKalimba · 05/08/2020 09:41

Interesting reading some of these replies. There have been threads on here before from OPs planning weddings whose parents want them to invite loads of their own friends. They are always overwhelmingly told YANBU, it's your wedding, it's not up to your parents who to invite etc...

Wexone · 05/08/2020 09:42

However my mother has had similar to you. She has fallen out with two of her oldest friends over weddings for their children. Both she was friends with for over 30 years. The first friend was over two of her children. The 1st wedding my mother was told in the beginning that it was a small wedding, about a year before the wedding, so my mother took it in her head that she was invited. She was very annoyed and on purpose she then went and booked a holiday for that same time as the wedding. Nearer the time when the wedding invites came out she was invited to the wedding and so was I. I went to the wedding and the brides mother said to me at it that she was hurt my mother didn't come and that she had no control over the invites. They had a few words when my mother came back from holidays and moved on. However a few years later the same women's son was due to get married (also my mothers god child). Again some how my mother got into her head that she wouldn't be invited , even though I told her to calm down and wait for the invite. Coincidently another invite came into my parents for the same date or a daughter of friends that they hadn't seen in a few years and also live in another country. My mother decided to accept this invite in stead and a week later he godchild's invite came. when she told her friend she wasn't going it caused an almighty row and my mother hasn't spoken to her since. Another friend of hers daughter had a christening for one of their children , It was on a Saturday and my mother was invited. It turned out to be wedding also (something I think is a brilliant idea) My mother got very thick that she should have been told, even though no one knew ( she said she would have taken the next day off work) Again another falling out. Weddings bring out the worst in people as I have seen. I can see both sides of the story, the issues however I agree with others that their reaction to you after is most telling. I wouldn't bring it up any more, I would take a step back from them , turn down invites and reduce contact etc. Not end the friendship entirely but it wont be the same as what it was.

LemonPeonies · 05/08/2020 09:45

I didn't invite any of my parents friends to my wedding Confused just my friends and family.

spoons123 · 05/08/2020 09:48

....but the point is that on this occasion the bride and groom's parents did invite quite a few friends of their own to the wedding just not the OP.

She surely deserves some kind of explanation?

LemonTT · 05/08/2020 09:49

You have stated the parents were given input into the guest list but they didn’t make the decision on you not being invited. This basically says that the bride and groom didn’t want you there.

The bride and groom don’t like you or thought you would spoil their day.

This all happened a long time ago. Must be at least 6 months from the wedding itself and longer from invites. You are not over it. Let the friendship go if you can’t dissociate son from mother.

lilgreen · 05/08/2020 09:49

My parents paid for half of our wedding reception along with ILs. They invited some good friends that had seen me grow up. That’s quite normal I think.

Redlocks28 · 05/08/2020 09:51

How much of a relationship do you have with the bride and groom? That would be interesting to know. I wouldn’t have invited people I’d never met to my wedding. The fact they invited your ex but not you probably has something to do with it as well. Maybe they are all closer to him now?

howfarwevecome · 05/08/2020 09:52

I also voted YABU until I read the OP's later posts, then switched to YANBU.

'Hissy fit'? Really!? That would have been the final nail in the coffin to be dismissed in such a manner.

dottiedodah · 05/08/2020 09:53

Maybe because your Ex was there ? Maybe they felt it would be awkward.Weddings often cause trouble ! Do you get on well with their Son do you think.Not meaning to be rude here ,but when he stayed with you was all OK, no falling outs or bad behaviour on his part? If you have known Friends for over 40 years, maybe in your 50s or 60s now ? Was it more of a "young " kind of event .Maybe he felt he wanted to relax ,and maybe sees you as a serious sort of Auntie ,who may not like any rude jokes? Not saying this is the case ,just throwing ideas around really .I do feel that you should have been invited TBH. Nothing you can do now really ,either let it go and remain friends (preferred option if it were me) or cut them out (which may harm you as well in the long run!)

Nosuchluck · 05/08/2020 09:54

I would never ask why I wasn't invited to an event and I really wouldn't expect a friend to ask me why I didn't invite them. I'd just assume I'm not in the top 150 of the son 's friends and family or the top 10 or however many the friend invited. Sometimes it's hard to accept a friend is more important to you than you are to them.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 05/08/2020 09:55

That is hurtful Op. No advice but if you could let it go and move past it as life is too short to fall out with good friends.

AramintaLee · 05/08/2020 09:56

I don't think you're being unfair to be hurt but not sure it's worth ending a long friendship over. Perhaps just keep at arms length and lower your expectations going forward.

I do think I would find it hard to get past the fact that they invited people you know and your ex but not you. So there was a conscious decision not to include you and I would want to know how that conversation went exactly. Clearly there was a reason why they didn't want you there.

youwereagoodcakeclyde · 05/08/2020 09:57

YABU
Don't go 300 miles if you don't want to.
However it was your friends son/new partner to do the inviting, not her. Son/partner didn't want you there more than the people that did come.
That is all.
She did not buy invites to the wedding by paying for it.

itsaratrap · 05/08/2020 09:58

Honestly wouldn’t bother me: your friend may well have tried to influence the guest list but ultimately it wasn’t her decision,

Wouldn’t stop me sponsoring him either 🤷‍♀️

Sloth66 · 05/08/2020 09:58

So you’re good enough to drive 300 miles to support them, but not worthy of a wedding invite.

You could speculate endlessly about the reasons for this, but they have dismissed your upset and that isn’t nice.

How much would you miss the friendship? Guess this is really about whether you can move on from this, or if the hurt you feel is enough to end the friendship.

itsaratrap · 05/08/2020 09:59

A subsequent thought. When was this? If very recently, presumably they were restricted to 30. So perfectly understandable.

Imissmoominmama · 05/08/2020 10:06

You’ve said how much they’ve supported you in the past, but you’ll forget all that and agree with Bee that they are ‘users’?

Strugglingtodomybest · 05/08/2020 10:07

Unless the son really didn't want OP at the wedding, I can't think of a good reason for her not to be invited.

That's obviously it though isn't it? They said it wasn't their decision. They may have had input into who was invited, but they mustn't have had the final say.

rainbowstardrops · 05/08/2020 10:07

The OP has already said that 150 people were invited and that 'she is still hurt', so obviously pre-COVID.

I would be incredibly upset and hurt too OP and I certainly wouldn't be initiating any contact for now. They've treated you appallingly.

itsaratrap · 05/08/2020 10:09

Ok, thanks.

Still not her friend’s decision though. I wouldn’t dream of telling my kids who they should invite to their weddings.

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