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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cut a 44 year friendship off

231 replies

Whosmadnow · 04/08/2020 23:41

This has bothered me for a while now. I've been friends with someone for over 40 years. We have been through everything together, births, marriages, deaths etc. I saw her as the sister I never had. I even introduced her to her husband. and she mine. We shared everything together.
Her son got married a while ago and she and her DH paid for some of the wedding so could invite a few people. You can guess where this is going. No invite. Her son even spent time in my home as a holiday guest. I am so hurt, both of them were closer than my own family and I have now cut all contact with them. The worst thing is two days after the wedding her DH invited me to support him at a charity event which involved me travelling 300 miles to see him. He didn't understand why I
was so upset.
AIBU

OP posts:
Nosuchluck · 05/08/2020 07:59

I didn't even think to invite my parents friends to my wedding.

PicsInRed · 05/08/2020 08:00

How did you and ex break up? Were they mutual friends? Is ex seeing someone now? For some reason, they seem to defer to him.

lilgreen · 05/08/2020 08:01

Yanbu as it doesn’t sound as they they’ve explained it very well. You would think that their son’s wedding would be a big topic of conversation with you, a good friend. Is there bad blood between you and your ex? Are they friends with him or maybe her DH and he ate best friends they and worried about a bad atmosphere if you came?

lilgreen · 05/08/2020 08:02

Are not ate

BillieEilish · 05/08/2020 08:03

YADNBU

Horrid way to behave and I don't believe a friend of that long would not know exactly how hurt you'd be.

I'd have done the same as you (in fact I did once but only with a friend of 10 years)

wildcherries · 05/08/2020 08:06

@northernstar0412

The fact that they used the words "hissy fit" to me smacks of contempt, but I may be wrong. Nonetheless it is dismissive and insensitive. I would be taking a step back.
Agree with this. I wouldn't be investing anymore time in these people.
FaceOfASpink · 05/08/2020 08:09

I voted YABU after reading your first post but after reading others I don't think YABU.
I think an explanation would be the only thing that would stop me ending this friendship even if that explanation was painful.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2020 08:13

I voted YABU until I read the context. Then changed it to yanbu. I’d be very hurt. Maybe it’s because you live far away? Had they at least apologised perhaps you could live with it. It’s the fact they left you out with a large guest list. 30 people and a small, local wedding would have been very different.

Write them a letter explaining how you feel. Then don’t send it. Very cathartic.

It is your choice as to whether or not you continue to be friends with them. By the sound of it, you are feeling the loss of their friendship more than they feel the loss of yours and this would indicate you were far more invested. Idk if they lack the emotional capacity of that you don’t figure as highly in their lives as they do in yours. But it happens and far more than we realise.

Just for example, my dd is friends with two sisters. Dh and I are friendly with their parents. Their stepmum is lovely and so loving and caring of me and my dd. Their dad is a nice bloke (I used the word purposely). But he’s a blokey bloke and doesn’t have the ability to see things from others perspectives. This makes life more complicated and he has said / done some hurtful things. But I see it and accept it for what it is. It isn’t personal or about me or my family.

MrsSSG · 05/08/2020 08:14

Very strange behaviour, YANBU to be upset given the circumstances.

Why was your ex invited??

I wouldn't end the friendship though, especially if you have mutual friends as it would make it so awkward, but I would definitely back off and not do any favours, make the effort, etc.

IslandbreezeNZ · 05/08/2020 08:14

@AlternativePerspective It's really not trivial though is it? The OP has every right to feel very hurt about this. I find it very odd that she wasn't invited and would guess that something is up. My guess is it could be the son that said no for some reason. Don't jump to blame your friends just yet as you don't really have a full picture and in their response they could be trying to protect both you and their son so that there is no further hurt.

Tappering · 05/08/2020 08:15

YANBU. I would be hurt as well - especially if your Ex had been invited,

"Hissy fit" is really condescending and dismissive.

I agree with a PP that the charity invite smacks of you being good enough to drive hundreds of miles and cough up money, despite not being good enough to be invited to the wedding.

In your shoes I would email them, explain exactly why you are so hurt and upset about the way that they have behaved, and let them know that you'll be stepping away as the friendship was clearly not what you thought it was

Everythingstaken · 05/08/2020 08:16

For me the main cause of distress in this situation would be the absence of a caring and empathetic explanation and apology. The fact that they won’t/can’t acknowledge your distress and upset as a valid response is rather telling especially in light of the fact that you seem like the only significant friend they have excluded. Like many others have said, there does seem to be more to this. I know I would feel extremely hurt and confused by this too. Sadly my experiences have shown me that you are unlikely to get the explanation and apology you deserve and need to be able to move on with your friendship. I’m sorry you’ve had such an awful experience and I sincerely hope I am wrong and they see sense and make things right.

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 05/08/2020 08:16

Honestly, you have a choice now, let it go or let it mess up a friendship.

I would have felt a bit funny about not being invited. But it’s the children of your friend. It’s their choice. People have enough stress with weddings, maybe they had complex friend and family situation to invite. You are effectively saying you wish your friend would have forced her son to invite you?? Then you asking for an explanation is a bit rich!!!!! It’s obvious, there wasn’t space on the list. 150 with 75 guests each is not that many, especially if people have big families. Maybe it was the choice between you and a random aunty, who was family and needed to come.

Honestly do an Elsa and let this one go, you will all be better off for it.

IveHadEnoughNowArgh · 05/08/2020 08:17

YANBU and I imagine what hurts more is that they haven't really acknowledged your hurt either, they have just stuck with their "we've done nothing wrong" opinion. Had they been horrified and given you an actual reason then your friendship may have been saved.

I'm at this same point with a friend. She has treated me very badly and when I spoke to her she just said that she didn't understand why I felt that way and that me feeling that way hurt her! You get to a point where if neither of you can understand the other, and there is a lot of hurt involved, then there isn't really anywhere for the friendship to go.

IslandbreezeNZ · 05/08/2020 08:18

To be honest though if my child wanted to exclude someone in this way the answer from me would be no you are inviting them. I had people added into my guest list to please the parents on both sides. I didn't feel close to some of them at all (barely knew the in laws next door neighbours) but respect my in law enough to to let them do that.

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 05/08/2020 08:19

Oh Jesus, can see the advice for email them and ask for an apology or explanation. Is this serious advice. Follow up by giving them grief. Sorry to say no one owes anyone an invite to a wedding!!! Jesus.

You have to decide what you do and don’t want to do or how you want to act in your friendships, demanding an explanation for not being invited. Christ alive.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 05/08/2020 08:22

YANBU. If they’d apologised or explained then I could move past it, albeit with a bit more distance in the friendship. What would make me cut them out is the fact that they’ve gone on to completely dismiss your feelings and been really condescending and snotty with their use of ‘hissy fit’. Life’s too short to let people treat you like that. From where I’m standing not inviting you to the wedding damaged the friendship. Dismissing and belittling your feelings afterwards is what ended it.

CatkinToadflax · 05/08/2020 08:24

🙋‍♀️ another here who voted YABU but then read your subsequent posts with all of the details. You’re not being unreasonable at all. It all sounds very strange and I think I’d feel the same as you do OP. Flowers

PablosHoney · 05/08/2020 08:25

When was the wedding for them to be able to have that many guests?

Ynwa1234 · 05/08/2020 08:27

I don't think yabu by being hurt.
At our wedding half our guests had to be from my parents wider community we managed to explain that we wanted more of our friends there rather than people we saw when we were younger so invited 2 instead of 4 people from a certain family (my dad's close friend) because of that my dad's close friend cut contact with him and they blame me basically for the fall out. Appalling behaviour that they didn't want us to have the wedding day we wanted but rather inviting someone we hardly saw to a special day and we were limited in numbers too. I can see where you are hurt but we weren't as close with this family friend as you seemed to have been. Sorry you are upset and hope you can move on from this.

britINscotland · 05/08/2020 08:29

Hi OP

My parents have had their best friends for over 60 years. They are each closer to their best friends than to their own siblings. My DF was broken when his BF passed away a few years back compared to when his actual sibling died when he barely shed a tear (although uncle was ill and BF was a sudden death)

Both of them, their spouses, their kids and partners were at my wedding and I was at each of their kids weddings. I would be utterly unthinkable not to have them and I know my parents would have been as gutted as you are.

Hoppinggreen · 05/08/2020 08:31

My mum and mil didn’t get to add anyone onto our guest list, it was our wedding and we decided who we wanted there.
Wasn’t an issue and caused no fall outs

butterpuffed · 05/08/2020 08:32

I'd be incredibly hurt too, OP, but hopefully you can have a chat and find out the real reason. Hopefully it won't outweigh 40 plus years of friendship.

tankflybos · 05/08/2020 08:33

"To be honest though if my child wanted to exclude someone in this way the answer from me would be no you are inviting them."

 and my answer would be "no, mum, I'm not."

@IslandbreezeNZ

Do you intend to try and control and make demands of your offspring throughout their adult lives? There will be a MIL thread about you before long 

VesperLynne · 05/08/2020 08:34

I probably wouldn't end the relationship entirely but I would definately "cool it" for a bit, like passing on the charity event.

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