Cut a 44 year friendship off

[Whosmadnow]

This has bothered me for a while now. I've been friends with someone for over 40 years. We have been through everything together, births, marriages, deaths etc. I saw her as the sister I never had. I even introduced her to her husband. and she mine. We shared everything together.
Her son got married a while ago and she and her DH paid for some of the wedding so could invite a few people. You can guess where this is going. No invite. Her son even spent time in my home as a holiday guest. I am so hurt, both of them were closer than my own family and I have now cut all contact with them. The worst thing is two days after the wedding her DH invited me to support him at a charity event which involved me travelling 300 miles to see him. He didn't understand why I
was so upset.
AIBU

I understand why you are hurt, but at the same time, it is her son's wedding, not hers. Weddings are expensive pains in the ass anyway. I would maybe not invest as much emotionally in her, and be cooler, but I think that it will be more costly emotionally to you to cut her off completely. In other words, she's probably not worth that level of emotional trouble. Just enjoy what you can of her company, and refuse the rest.

Yanbu, i would be extremely hurt not being the one invited when i had done so much and saw us as family.

Im a bit confused how she didnt even register that not inviting you would cause issues. Either way her lack of excuse puts it in stone that she doesnt really care and knew you would find offence to it and of course it wasnt done on purpose to hurt you but what good is that for an excuse.

YANBU.
And inviting your ex but not you = salt in the wound.

I assume you had a messy break up and maybe he stayed better friends with your friend's DH than you did with your actual friend (in their eyes) - so they chose him over you.

How very fucking sad.
But their reaction says it all really - they can't see the problem, can't see how hurtful it is and quite honestly don't care enough to even apologise decently - they're probably eye-rolling over your sadness.

Cut 'em off completely. Longevity of relationship doesn't really matter - quality does.

And inviting your ex but not you = salt in the wound. well that depends doesn’t it? E.g. if the ex was the son’s godfather for instance then it stands to reason that he would be invited over the OP.

Thing is as with most things on MN we only have the small amount of information the OP has given here. I suspect there is more to this e.g. the son doesn’t really care for the OP (that’s his prerogative) but that would explain why she wasn’t invited and others who the son didn’t have an opinion on one way or another was.

And again, it wasn’t the friend’s wedding.

At my wedding both sets of parents had a number of guests, and we had one who sent an incredibly rude reply saying she wouldn’t be coming as children weren’t invited. Fair enough not to come for that reason, but she never spoke to ILs again after that. Says a lot more about her than it does about the ILs and they were well rid IMO.

I banned one of my MiL's friends, whom she wanted to invite, from our wedding. I see her at lots of family events as she's always invited to anything MiL hosts. I'm always polite, try to be friendly, hope she doesn't realize my true feelings but I just cannot stand the woman and did not want her at our wedding (my DH feels similarly). MiL loves her and her lack of invitation was nothing to do with MiLs strength of feeling towards her.

But it wasn't their wedding! My in laws invited a load of their old friends to our wedding, I didn't see or speak to them all day and to be honest couldn't have cared less if they were there or not. My husband has known these people since he was small when they moved to the area so nearly 30 years ago. They are my husband's parents friends not my husband's and my husband has been on holiday with one of the couples as a teen (their son is the same age), they still aren't his friend's! We paid for 90% of our wedding and we had to leave off some of our old uni friends who we are close to so people I'd met twice in passing (literally in the street not a gathering!) could come. I shouldn't have been such a pushover. My favourite part was when a load of people we'd never met arrived at our evening do, they came to introduce themselves, it was our wedding day not a freshers fair! We had such a laugh opening the cards a few days later and there were people we'd never heard of or indeed met before or on the day, they were there though - apparently 😆, my mil bought her own invites and sent them out to her entire work office, we didn't even do that and it was our wedding!!

So in short you are being silly to fallout over a wedding that wasn't even your friend's. The bride and groom will have decided who to invite as should be the case, I wish I'd done that.

Explains why I didn't get a single bit of food in the evening (and it was nice food - so I was told!), the mil's office filled their boots 😆!

@Whosmadnow

I did ask why I wasn't invited, after the event, and got told that they hadn't meant to hurt me. Nothing else. They have supported me through some horrendous years and life changing events so I genuinely struggle to know why I was left out. Everyone I know and have known for decades was there. Im still so sad.

Sounds like they care for you but only had a certain amount they could invite and thought you were less likely to be offended or knew you’d be offended but less likely to cause a fuss.

‘we didn’t mean to hurt you’ often means ‘we didn’t think you’d tell us it hurt you’

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, it’s hurtful and I’m sorry, it’s a really shit feeling seeing a friendship like that differently.

I’m glad you’ve refused to go to the charity thing.
They’re trying to dismiss your hurt by saying you’re having a ‘hissy fit’.
They likely know it was a shitty thing to do but they’d rather you think you’re overreacting than confront the hurt they caused.

Was your ex involved in the decision? Did he ask that you not be invited?

I'm interested in why your ex was invited and not you. I think that's the real question here. If your separation was acrimonious it's perfectly understandable that they would not want you both at the wedding. So why do you think it was him not you receiving the invite? Could it be as simple as geography - do you live 300 miles away from them?

150 people is not a small wedding. Is there something else? And I dont mean to judge you, are you an alcoholic ? Would they have cut you out for something like that ?? No judgement from me, but I have heard of this at a previous event.
Very hurtful for you, I would end it, decide on your ‘Line in the sand” and dont cross it

That is very hurtful, although I do agree with others that ending the friendship over it is extreme.

Being honest I think there is a specific reason they've not invited you. If it was me I would want to know what that reason was (even if it hurt to hear it). It was clearly not down to numbers. However your reaction so far to be angry and lash out is unlikely to get them to open up to you.

If I were you I'd arrange a time to speak to your friend and explain your reaction of anger has stemmed from hurt. Stay calm and don't react, let her do the talking. That is, if you want to save the friendship (and depending on what she says you might choose to walk away anyway).

When was the last time before the wedding that you saw the son? Did you see the son at all during the run up to the wedding? Did you send a wedding gift or card and has that been acknowledged by the bride and groom?
I’m on your side as I would feel the same hurt but just trying to figure it out.

YABU. Not to be hurt (lots of people would be) but to make such a drama of it. It was one invite. I am sorry you missed out but you are an adult and will get over it.

What they've done is extremely hurtful and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. But to end such a long standing friendship over this, I would definitely want the specific reason why you weren't invited.

Sounds pretty mean of them.

How did they manage 150 guests pandemic wise? (Misses point).

I get you OP- makes you wonder what the last 40 years was about

I had a large wedding and my parents made a financial contribution (about a third). I said they could invite guests, but just not one woman in particular, who was friends with my mother. They had lived in the same town for a couple of years before I was born, but then my parents moved away. Over my life I met this woman maybe 5/6 times but never liked her, she and I didn't click at all and on her visits (inevitable due to living long distances apart) we would largely not interact. I have stayed at her home, but as a child, I had no agency in this. From a very early age I would say to my mother 'she is not coming to my wedding, ' so my mother had years of notice. This woman works have been oblivious to my feelings as I was always polite.

When it came to wedding invites, my mum pushed hard for her to be invited, but I vetoed it. I really didn't want her there. It also represented a bit of a stand off with my mother, who can be quite pushy and I often give in to stop the hassle, but on this occasion I remembered my feelings I had towards this woman as a child and stood my ground. My mother had to tell this woman that I was getting married and indicated she was not invited. She had been invited to my older siblings weddings, but they didn't have strong feelings about her and had known her in their childhood, whilst I had not. It was hard for my mother, but why should I have someone at wedding that i barely knew, who wasnt related and that i disliked and that I felt wasnt interested in me. As a child you don't have an equal relationship with parents friends, so you can't or don't express your true feelings to them, whereas they can be free to tell you off or treat you however they want and may not realise the effect of their words or actions.

There is probably more going on in the background that you know about. But you should evaluate your feelings about this woman based on her treatment of you, not on sons wedding invitations.

Of course you're hurt that your ex and various other friends and acquaintances were invited but you weren't. Who wouldn't be? It's only natural that you're questioning the friendship.

To make it worse, it doesn't sound like they have any empathy at all for your feelings. When you queried the situation, you were accused of a 'hissy fit'. From what you've said there was no attempt at an apology or an explanation - in which case, they just don't care.

Maybe they aren't bothered about losing the friendship? In which case, walk away.

Definitely don't contact your friend until she contacts you first. Maybe after she's had time to think about it, she'll come forward with an apology. If not, there's your answer.

Op only you know the dynamic of your relationship and the ins and outs of who was invited to the wedding. The fact is you feel hurt by the lack of an invitation and you need to own that feeling.

No one can change how you feel.

It might be that you place more value on the friendship than they do which is really going to hurt you as you describe the situation as being like sisters.

I think all you can do is accept where you are in their pecking order of friends (not near the top by the sounds of it) and take some time to decide whether you want the friendship on those terms.

I feel really sorry for you OP.

I get it op. It really shakes you up. I had similar a couple of years ago with my best friend who didn't tell me she was pregnant with her second until she was 20 weeks. When she was pregnant with her first son she told me at 4 weeks.

I couldn't understand why the difference this time. The kicker was that she'd told her news early to other friends from baby group, I could have understood if she'd told no one until 20 weeks but it wasn't the case.

I raised it (gently and nicely) but I just got back 'sorry you are upset' and frankly a load of random excuses that didn't make that much sense. She then tried to turn it around on me. I think she knew she'd been shitty but didn't like being called out on that so got very defensive.

It really shook me and I'm still very hurt. We agreed to draw a line under it but Ill never forget and I've pulled back lots.

I always found it weird the concept of parents inviting people to their children's wedding. The guest list should be decided by the bride and groom only, regardless of receiving money towards it...My mum's best friend was invited to my wedding but by me, not my mum. I felt like she was family to me so there was no hesitation.

Did you travel the 300 miles?

I would do the same. Step back and let her make the first move.

I was so ready to say YABU until I saw there were 150 people and your ex (?) was invited along with most of the friendship circle.
YANBU.