To suggest eating separately from child

[VoldemortsMaid]

Is it unreasonable to eat separate to your child?

I'm at my wits end with dinner time. I actively dread it. All DD6 does is moan about the food, takes an ungodly amount of time to eat it and chats absolute rubbish the whole time. She gets distracted easy so we're constantly having to remind her to stop yapping and eat otherwise she'd be at the table for 2 hours.

Would it be unreasonable to give her dinner at around 5pm when she's used to having it and then DH and I can eat dinner later and it can actually be nice and we can chat about normal adult things without the constant stream of chat/distraction from DD?

I don't think it's very nice thing to do personally, especially to a young child (a very young child/preschooler or a teenager is different). If the roles were reversed, how would you feel if your family fed you on your own and then enjoyed the 'family' meal without you. Without realising it, you will be isolating her, not making her feel like she is not part of the 'family' and she may end up feeling as if she is being punished for something (actually she will be). When she sees mealtimes at her friends/other family's homes, she will know something is not right. A family should eat together. Work on the problem areas, don't sweep them under the carper. For information, I have the same ongoing issue with my own child.

It's interesting to see different culture's eating habits.
In eastern europe the usual for small kids is breakfast, 10 o'clock fruit and a buscuit*, lunch (hot meal), 5(ish) fruit/biscuit/yoghurt and propper hot dinner at 7-8 pm.
At the first playdate he had other kid's mum picked him up and they had pizza (dinner) at 5.30 pm. And then the mom told me how my son wasn't really eating anything and she's sorry :) After 9 yrs he still is amused at others having dinner right after getting home from school.

In our family the dinner (somewhere between 7-9pm) is and always was sacrosanct.
I find it more annoying with the teen than when he was 6 tbh.

I suppose it's one of those things that each family does however it fits them best.

*yes, sometimes it's crisp and other not-the-healthiest-options....

Sorry OP but I also think if you are home at the same time you eat together.

I grudgingly listen to her talking all day and ask her what new things have happened in whatever show/game she's watching but at dinner time I want her to sit and eat her dinner not talk incessantly through it!
you just sit her down in front of the telly all day, grudgingly talk as little as possible and then wonder why you have no reciprocal conversation at dinner??? If you had spent the last few years talking to her, teaching her about the world, doing activities you both enjoyed taking her out to see new things and talking about it all, sharing you hobbies and interests, then you would have more in common and find mealtimes not such a strain. Yes there would still be annoyances around her behaving like a child (because she is, after all, a child) but there would not be endless incessant chatter about teen titans if she weren't plonked down in front of it all day. Get her away from the screen and enthused with life. I can't see why you can't feed her macaroni chicken an cucumber while you and your husband eat something else. No wonder she stares into space poor thing.

I think eating separately sometimes is fine, but the rest of it a bit more worrying!

I haven’t rtft so apologies if I’m repeating PPs but just a few ideas/thoughts...

• Maybe she just isn’t a ‘3 square meals’ type of person. Maybe she’s better suited to a snack-type meal late afternoon (small portion of whatever she’ll eat, chicken and veg sticks etc) and then a small supper before bed.

• You could try getting her involved in writing the weekly meal plan, surfing the internet/reading recipe books to choose meals, shopping for ingredients, making the food etc. If she feels some sense of accomplishment she may be encouraged to actually eat something different. If this is too time consuming, maybe give her the chicken or macaroni she likes every other day and just cook together alternately.

• You could give her a little of what she likes with every meal, but also encourage her to try something new. Maybe she can earn a privilege each day for giving something a fair try (screen time etc).

• You could try giving her the chance to earn a privilege by finishing her dinner within, say, 45 mins if you think she could comfortably do this. I don’t like the idea of rushing kids to eat more quickly than comes naturally, but if you genuinely think the issue is that she just lacks concentration maybe it would help.

• If time allows, try and spend 30 mins with her just before dinner and give her your undivided attention so her tank is full as it were, and she’s had the opportunity to get anything important (to her) off her chest before you sit down.

• Come up with a list of topics that you could discuss as a family during dinner. At 6 she is old enough to start learning that it’s polite to consider other people when you’re talking over a meal and that means having a conversation that’s engaging for everyone. Maybe you could start a discussion about what you’re all going to do together on Saturday for example. Make her feel that her opinion and contribution is important. My 5yo is a chatterbox too so I feel your pain! But this often works for me, if I just direct the conversation a little bit so we can actually engage with each other. That’s not to say that I don’t also spend hours each day hearing about whatever the 5yo wants to discuss before I also get accused of hating my child 🙄 On a similar note, make sure you're not using dinner time to talk with your DH about adult stuff that she can't engage with - you have to extend the same courtesy to her, otherwise of course she is going to just try and swing the conversation round to something she finds interesting.

My dd is 7 and she went through this taking ages over dinner. Pushing food round her plate and the talking non stop (which is an all day thing). But the lady couple of weeks shes been really good. We now dont allow snacks after lunch unless its fruit. We also sat her down and explained what is expected at dinner and why. She loves eating out and wants to go to some big girl restaurants, so we explained the rules like no leaving the table to use the toilet etc. I've also stopped piling loads of food on the plate which helped loads.

It's really hard, you are obviously concerned so asked for advice. Good on ya.

I was such a slow eater (still am) that my mum used to serve my tea up first on a tray & leave me to eat it in front of the telly, while her, my dad & brother ate at the table. It meant that I could take all the time I wanted but it didn't hold her up getting cleared away, the dishwasher loaded & they could relax.

@midgebabe

Is she getting much more attention over the meal than at other times? You are sitting and trapped listening t9 her after all Perhaps you need to schedule in an activity together that can only be done if dinner is finished on time?

Her behaviour is attention seeking. She is not getting the attention that she needs from her Mum and Dad at other times so looks for it at the dinner table. The more importance you put on this family meal, the more she will play up. You and her Dad are a captive audience.

Our food misery didn't end until DS was about 12. We had so many rows DH and I about it that in the end I gave up and he ate before us so I could eat without cajoling. I was at my wits end all the time. Now happy to say he's a normal eater although prefers to eat small amounts still at least he eats!! Good luck

I am sorry my post sounds excessively critical and judgemental, I should have said what I said but toned down and much more nicely. The pp has said it sounds like she is attention seeking and I think that that is right, she needs more of your genuine attention and probably needs to feel more bonded with you. The relationship should be more fulfilling for both of you, even though it is normal that there will be annoying behaviour and chatter.

I never ate with my parents in the evening - we had supper around 6, and my parents ate at about 8.30/9pm when my dad was home from work and they'd had time to unwind. When we got older we started eating together eventually. My mum was around when we were eating, we weren't alone or anything, but I'd always assumed that was normal.

Pre-lockdown how would two parents working your average 9-6 job be able to eat at 5pm with their child?

Honestly I'd do it. That way everyone gets to eat at an appropriate time and you get to enjoy some adult conversation with your OH.

I think feeding her early sometimes is fine and I totally get it, we usually eat together but once a week I feed the kids first and me and dh have a nice relaxed meal together later. And of course 6 year olds chat shit! When dsd8 is here her dinner conversation is absolutely mind numbing - she can spend a full 30 mins describing a mission on fortnite (which none of the rest of us have ever played or have the faintest interest in), and if you interrupt to say 'eat up your food is getting cold' she will start again. Grim, but doesn't mean we don't like her ffs we adore her, and She's only here eow so we smile and nod and pretend to be interested - couldnt cope every meal time though. All the other kids are pigs like me and shovel the food in instead of talking rubbish.

When I was growing up my dad was never home from work before 8 or 8.30, so my brother and I had our dinner at about 5.30 or 6 and my mum ate with him after we had gone to bed. It was totally not a problem- we didn't feel excluded, had a great relationship with our parents, and didn't grow up to have terrible table manners. We always had family meals at weekends and made Sunday lunch a special thing so it wasn't that we never had the experience of eating as a family.

I now do the same, because I don't want to eat my dinner at 5.30pm and I also value cooking and eating with my husband as the main quality couple time we have when we can relax together and have an uninterrupted adult conversation. For me it is really important for our relationship. The children eat together and I sit with them and have a cup of tea and talk to them. I am less stressed and it is more pleasurable because I'm not also trying to eat myself while dealing with a toddler who can't sit still and also trying to listen to a 5 year old talking about the plot of some unicorn show she is into.

I introduced a clock for my dc as they would take 2 hrs for food when they were younger. It drove me up the wall. They got about 30 /40 minutes to finish their dinner and if they werent done then they would go to bed hungry. They learned very quickly

We do a mix. Either Friday or Saturday we have meatballs and spaghetti at the table, Saturday we have pizzas while watching a film. During the week the kids eat at 5 and we eat at 8. Sunday we play by ear.

Or sit down with her first and talk for a bit and then eat dinner.
(She can obvs still talk whilst eating when you have a clock on :))

SD is a faffer at meal times as well, she'll pretty much do anything except just eat her tea. Now we give her a suitable portion for tea and we all sit down together to eat. After me and DP have finished well remain at the table for 5 or ten minutes and clean up DD and chat about the day. After that if SD is still eating we leave her to it, it's funny how much quicker she manages to be if she thinks shes missing out on on something and no one else has to sit there with her moaning if shes that way out that day.

I think it’s fine - to an extent. We fell into the pattern of DC1 (who was then simply DC) eating earlier than us due to tiredness and pickiness, especially during the working week. He would usually have a hot lunch at school and would then have sandwiches, fruit and veg on days when he’d been in wraparound care, and his own hot dinner on days when we did the school run.

Now we’re all at home, and there is a DC2, we try to eat together on days where this is possible. It has done wonders for his pickiness, even though I often vary meals (eg he won’t eat sauce so has something else with his spaghetti).

I aim for us to eat together maybe 5 days out of 7, but with us having the odd meal once he is in bed if we’re having something that can’t be adapted for him, or if DC2 is having a late nap. On those days, he gets his own dinner and gets to watch TV while he eats. I feel like this is a good balance for us (not judging how others do things though) and I hope we can keep it up for days when we’re not using childcare when I’m back at work.

I couldn’t eat dinner with my 6yo every night if you paid me. We like different food for one! We are hungry at different times. They aren’t up for dinner table chat, they want to eat, and then get down and play. I like to enjoy my dinner When the kids are in bed. I do sit with them while they eat and we do all eat together at the weekend (and we all eat together everyday at lunch for the past 5 months ), so I don’t feel like I am failing as a parent.

I don't think it's that important that you all eat together all the time. Especially at the moment.

You're unhappy that your daughter is a slow eater, better that than someone who can't get the food in quick enough, you dislike the way she yaps and takes rubbish, she's a child and you should be grateful she wants to talk to you. You ask her what's wrong with the food and she tells you and this bothers you also, would you prefer she didn't tell you? Does she get enough one on one interaction with her parents, proper play and talk time because it sound like she's just making the most of having your attention while at the table. Cook what she likes, batch cook for her if that's easier but eat together, delay the meal by a hour if you want but eating together is of vital importance, when she is older it is an important communication tool which works.

Nothing wrong with having yours later. my kids eat about 5 oh doesn't get untill 630 so we often eat later. Weekends we tend to eat together. I'm usually pottering round the kitchen whilst they eat there tea

• also I like eating in peace too, the kids eat at the table I like to sit and watch tv whilst I'm eating. it's one part of the day where I can relax for ten minutes and enjoy my food.

Would it be unreasonable to give her dinner at around 5pm when she's used to having it

Move her dinner to 6pm so she is actually hungry. Then set a new rule. Nobody has to eat anything they don’t like, but nobody is to make any remarks about not liking anything or stuff being “yucky” or “disgusting” or pulling faces. Explain that it is extremely poor manners to do so. Everyone should eat what they want, then ask to be excused and clear their plate to the sink.

She might forget the rule so you will need to issue a reminder when she does but otherwise just chat normally about work, friends etc. If she persists on saying she doesn’t like X you ask her to leave the table as she clearly isn’t ready to eat properly like a big girl. She can come back when she is ready.

O don't know what to advise but we have a D's ( 15) who we have stopped eating with quite often . He has gradually become more and more fussy with food ( instead of less which you might expect) . We never used to cool separately when he was younger but we now end up feeding him mostly what he eats which is almost no vegetables whatsoever. The thing is he will say he eats it and will never admit he doesn't like it. He just say I'll eat it later, I'm not.hungry etc. Then later he makes himself pasta or a sandwich. He agrees to eat vegetables and which he will eat but will maybe eat one or two and then says he'll eat the rest later. If I insist even gently he starts to freeze and get very very upset with me.

It is a nightmare feeding an ASD teenager in this household. We sometimes eat together but whether we do or not, we almost always eat different things !