To suggest eating separately from child

[VoldemortsMaid]

Is it unreasonable to eat separate to your child?

I'm at my wits end with dinner time. I actively dread it. All DD6 does is moan about the food, takes an ungodly amount of time to eat it and chats absolute rubbish the whole time. She gets distracted easy so we're constantly having to remind her to stop yapping and eat otherwise she'd be at the table for 2 hours.

Would it be unreasonable to give her dinner at around 5pm when she's used to having it and then DH and I can eat dinner later and it can actually be nice and we can chat about normal adult things without the constant stream of chat/distraction from DD?

As a child we grew up all eating at the same time. I hated it!

As a family we don't eat together usually. Its not a big deal. We do other stuff together.

Its more practical for the kids to eat together and for us to eat later.

We've always eaten separately, my husband doesn't get home from work until 6.30 (even through lockdown) and the kids (5 and 8) are tired and hungry by then so they eat about 5.30/6 and we eat around 8.30 after bed time. Thay way I can enjoy a meal and an uninterrupted conversation with my husband eating the food we would rather eat that we know the kids wouldn't such as stir fry, currys etc. It works for us during the week and we tend to eat together on the weekends.

When I was a child, lunch was the whole family and it could take 2 hours or more as we all chatted and enjoyed the food etc. I can see that in the evening that's a bit much after a hard day.

Yes, move it to a time which suits her and use it as special time to relax and chat. This is her chance to learn from you how to enjoy food, and company. No treating it as just fuel as many of my ILs always did.

We always eat together. BUT at around that age we did bring in a 'talking about screen' ban at the meal table. They are allowed to talk about whatever they want that exists off a screen. Just not about games/tv programs. It has led to some interesting conversations as they try to frame a topic in non-screen terms 😂

We mix it up...so best of both. Before covid Weekends we eat together...weekdays DC whilst one of has a cup of tea. Radio usually on so chatting doesn't get in the way of eating.

Funnily enough, it also ensured that the kids ate an incredibly nutritious and well balanced diet (e.g. salmon with five kinds of veges) while DH and I were perhaps a little less, erm, conscientious about our own consumption. . .

“Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”

By that logic we should be having earnest conversations over dinner about genitals, or indulging the children's endless complaints about each other. I think children need to be taught to be a bit more considerate than that.

I don't eat with my DCs, apart from breakfast, and I don't sit with them either, because frankly I would rather they just got on with eating. I remain nearby, but their behaviour at meals frustrates me and I see no reason to reward it with attention. My response is to remove the attention and - importantly - cut down the portions. It seems to have helped a bit. My DD is capable of spending 3.5 hours moping over one meal and talking to anyone who will listen about grasshoppers or whatever, so I entirely see where you are coming from, OP.

Isn’t that what dinner time is for though? I wouldn’t ever change our family dinners because it’s a time for us all to sit together, and ‘yap and talk rubbish’

If you want to eat separately do so though - I mean it’s your family and what works best for you.

or indulging the children's endless complaints about each other.

Today's "she's lying." "No he's lying" "she's lying, she started it" "no I didn't , he's trying to get me into trouble when he did it" turned into a discussion about the legal system, what a judge is and what is considered permissible evidence in court!

”Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don't listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won't tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”

It is perfectly possible to ‘listen earnestly’ to what your children say, even if you don’t eat every meal with them!

As I said earlier - when ours were little, they ate at 5pm and dh and I ate later - it worked well for us. We still talked to, and listened to our children, and I can promise you that they still talk to us, and tell us the big stuff, now they are grown up.

There are many right, equally valid and good ways to parent.

"Talking about screen ban" is a little piece of genius advice I missed out on during the Pokémon years! I did often beg for a respite after some polite nodding along.

My parents divorced when I was young, so it’s a tale of two homes. My mum worked until around 6pm when we were primary school age, so we tended to have a snacky tea prepared by our aunt (who looked after us after school) and she and Mum would have similar later. We had hot meals at school. Once we hit secondary age my sister would cook after school and I would tidy, and we all ate quickly together when Mum was home.

My dad was never ever home on time for us to eat as a family. He rarely made it home before 8pm, and more often was closer to 9pm. Generally we ate earlier and chatted to each other, while my stepmum prepped the adult dinner for later. We ate together at weekends.

All of my siblings on both sides have table manners and are presentable at dinners etc - I hate to trot out the ‘it didn’t harm us’ line, but it actually didn’t. At the moment our toddler eats at PIL’s house as neither of us are home before 5.30pm and that’s just too late for her to eat without tired tantrumming. We will review when she’s older, but place a higher value on a restful night’s sleep for her than meals with us.

We eat separately but together due to the layout of the kitchen. DD has the stuff she'll eat in front of CBBC (she'll barely eat anything at a table with us) at one counter, while DH and I eat adult stuff at a breakfast bar. We get plenty of practice with social eating at cafes and with friends and family. Probably frowned on by Mumsnet but it works for us and we don't want to eat separately later as we have a load of problems with bedtime so would be starving and stressed. Plus I need to work in the evenings.

I don't see the difference to sitting with her with a cup of tea or sitting with her eating dinner, except that she's eating alone, and , I'm guessing won't get to sit with her dad. Give her a time limit and if she gets carried away chatting tell her to stop and eat. You are allowing her to mess around and chat to the point she doesn't eat.

We have 4 children, most times we all eat together, tonight, I ate at 5pm, 3 kids at 515pm while I cleared up the kitchen, then OH got home and ate at 6pm and DS4 got in at 7pm and ate his. Honestly, if eating separately is bad parenting, then we were awful at it tonight! Oh will also eat his in the other room if he's had a busy day and wants to enjoy his meal in peace! Not a big deal, let her have hers earlier and then you guys eat later if more enjoyable, maybe a family meal on weekends together where its a meal she likes might ease your conscience but I really don't think it's a big deal!

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I don't see the difference to sitting with her with a cup of tea or sitting with her eating dinner, except that she's eating alone, and , I'm guessing won't get to sit with her dad. Give her a time limit and if she gets carried away chatting tell her to stop and eat. You are allowing her to mess around and chat to the point she doesn't eat.

Children learn by watching and copying so table manners, how to converse, how to sit - it's all just basic socialisation.

We eat together Mon-Thurs and maybe Sunday, but give the kids their tea earlier at the weekend. Ours are older now but when they were young we would all stay at the table for a certain amount of time and then, if they hadn't finished, leave them to it. It gets better, I promise!

We always ate separately from our children during the week when they were younger, and one of us would sit with them. Once they were being put to bed, the other parent would make our meal. It kept us sane!
Saturdays was usually a take out all together, and Sunday dinner late afternoon was also all together.

I reckon, you find what works for your kids, and for you and your partner, and you run with it. Everyone's circumstances are different, as are their priorities and beliefs.

I think quality rather than quantity of meals eaten together is important. So we tend not to eat every mealtime with DS (only 2, admittedly) because if he's tired and grumpy because he's been at nursery that day or we're late back from a weekend walk, our priority is to shove the food in as quickly as possible and then get him bathed and horizontal.

On the other hand, we do tend to eat together on non-nursery days and for breakfast and lunch at the weekend. And even though he's only little, I try to involve him in preparing the meal when I can. So we'll have pancakes for breakfast and he'll help stir the mix. Or we'll make pizzas or a simple pasta dish and he'll help (or hinder!) with rolling out the dough or putting everything together (though I don't let him near the cooker, clearly!). Maybe you do this already, but otherwise it might be something nice to do with your DD, especially as she's older and could actually be useful!

We don't eat our evening meal together. I sit with them though.
I think too much emphasis on food being anything other that fuel for the body isn't needed. We do eat together at lunch if we are not at work, which is nice but not an issue to any of us if we don't.

I think it’s really sad that you don’t want to have dinner together.

At 6 she is perfectly old enough to help choose meals, create ingredients lists and help cook things that you all enjoy so it is fun.

Anything else just needs addressing.

She clearly eats quickly at schools because they only have a set amount of time, so I think you’re better off addressing the issues rather than just not eating together.

You’re taking the easy (lazy) option IMO

Mine is younger but not a great tea eater. I think he is just too tired and fussy by that time of day and prefers picky things. He eats a hot lunch and afternoon tea at nursery so has picky type tea / supper at home 3 days a week at the table in the kitchen, with me either pottering around him doing dishes etc or sitting at the table with a brew. He eats a ‘family tea’ with my mum once a week when she looks after him and the other 3 days I try to make sure we have ‘family teas’ and eat tea together. Sometimes this involves making 2 different meals if we want something he doesn’t, and occasionally if getting a takeaway or something he’ll eat on his own again but with me sat at the table with him

A mix of kids tea / family tea / adult tea works for us at the moment but will probably change once he starts school depending on what he’s eaten during the day and what time we all get in from school / work