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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be told that my family are actually leaving

387 replies

printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 00:23

Today we went out for DH's mum's 80th birthday (a meal for 6 at a pub) about an hour's drive away. About twenty minutes before DH, myself and our two teens were due to leave our house to drive over, DH and I had a chat and agreed a precise time to leave to give us ample time to get there. I ended up being busy putting on my slap upstairs in the bathroom up until the time we"d agreed to leave and admit I slightly lost track of time by a few minutes (my fault I know). When I realised iI was slightly late I went downstairs to try and find everyone - looking in the lounge and kitchen etc. Then I glanced outside and noticed that the kids and my DH were all sitting in the car waiting for me. I also noticed DH had put the house key in the lock for me to lock up.

DH then gets cross with me when I get in the car and says we agreed twenty minutes ago exactly when we were going to leave. AIBU to expect DH to actually tell me that him and the kids are about to leave the house? Isn't that what people do - ie make sure everyone who is meant to be going in the car with them knows they are now leaving? That's what I would do - shout up the stairs or something! He says no, we agreed a time and that's that.

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

I know I was at fault, but I can't help feeling he's being rather difficult and that shouting up the stairs or something wouldn't kill him.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 03/08/2020 09:07

Reading all your posts, I don’t think yabu.

You were 5 minutes behind and you were still quite early to where you were allmeant to be.

It would have taken less than 10 seconds to say “ hey, we’re heading to the car now”.

You having only done it once before is no big deal either. God forbid people are late once or twice in a span of a few months or years.

Posters sure like to project stuff on people unnecessarily and add details that weren’t there.

zingally · 03/08/2020 09:07

People who are late drive me bonkers.

You agreed, not 20 minutes beforehand, what time you were going to leave the house, and still couldn't manage it!

It I were your DH, I'd have been tempted to drive to the end of the road, and wait for you there!

This isn't your first offense, you know it annoys him. YABVU.

2155User · 03/08/2020 09:07

This is the sort of thread where even if everyone said OP was BU, OP would still believe they were not BU

remainin · 03/08/2020 09:09

printmeanicephoto IMO, you have nothing to be sorry for - except for posting this on MN! Grin

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 09:10

Very surprised. I expected most people to say YABU for being 5 minutes late into the car and losing track of time (I agree, that was of course my fault), and that YANBU to expect DH to call up to say him and kids are leaving house and will be sitting in car.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 03/08/2020 09:10

You are my mother and it drives me up the wall. Don’t agree a time if you aren’t going to stick to it. Don’t say you’re about to do something and then do three other things first. Do think about other people as well.

XiCi · 03/08/2020 09:11

Of course any normal person would have shouted up to you OP. He sounds like an absolute twat. I honestly couldnt tolerate such passive aggressive bullshit.

DappledThings · 03/08/2020 09:12

@printmeanicephoto

Very surprised. I expected most people to say YABU for being 5 minutes late into the car and losing track of time (I agree, that was of course my fault), and that YANBU to expect DH to call up to say him and kids are leaving house and will be sitting in car.
It's the same issue though. You were late because you weren't taking responsibility for getting yourself ready on time. Him shouting up to remind you of the time is still him being responsible for you becuase you aren't being responsible for yourself.
Wtfdoipick · 03/08/2020 09:13

You having only done it once before is no big deal either. God forbid people are late once or twice in a span of a few months or years.

Posters sure like to project stuff on people unnecessarily and add details that weren’t there.

Quite, since the op doesn't say it has only happened once previously and says she isn't 'always' late you seem to be adding details that arent there. This sounds to me like a family fed up with habitual lateness, the agreeing a precise leaving time with 20 minutes to go suggests habitual lateness. I also wonder about the 15 minutes early was that supposed to be there for 7.30 for an 8pm meal and arrived at 7.45 type 15 minutes early or were you in fact the first people to arrive?

BigChocFrenzy · 03/08/2020 09:14

YABU

If this was a one-off lateness, yes I'd expect him to shout up they were going to the car

but it sounds like he and the kids too - since they left so quietly - are fed up with your continual lateness

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 03/08/2020 09:14

What is wrong with people 😂 Everyone saying you were rude for being late and that they'd do the same. None of you would just shout upstairs to say you were leaving in a minute or that you're going to wait in the car? And as for the poster who commended your DH for getting himself and the kids ready while you did your make up, did you not see the "kids" are teens? I'm pretty sure they got themselves ready. He must have told them he was leaving to sit in the car as they were in the car with him. So why not extend that to the OP?

Haenow · 03/08/2020 09:15

You are both very petty and both unreasonable.

BigChocFrenzy · 03/08/2020 09:16

You were on time at the pub because your OH obviously built in lots of time for delays due to roadworks

  • and due to you - on such an important social occasion
BigChocFrenzy · 03/08/2020 09:17

All sounds like you are habitualy late and your family are fed up with you.

Plan your time and show some respect for their time

phoenixrosehere · 03/08/2020 09:19

Quite, since the op doesn't say it has only happened once previously and says she isn't 'always' late you seem to be adding details that arent there.

Saying in general dear. 😉

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 09:25

So most of you think DH's passive aggressive behaviour was justified in this particular instance. Interesting....

OP posts:
Okeydokeypiginapokey · 03/08/2020 09:25

YABU

Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 09:26

Where did I say I was habitually late?

OP posts:
DappledThings · 03/08/2020 09:27

@printmeanicephoto

So most of you think DH's passive aggressive behaviour was justified in this particular instance. Interesting....
I don't see it as PA. You agreed when you were leaving, everyone else got ready to leave at that time except you, by your choice.

Driving round the corner and waiting for you there to make you think they'd left without you would have been PA and unreasonable. All he and and DC did was stick to the plan.

79andnotout · 03/08/2020 09:28

YANBU unreasonable if you are not usually late.

However, I do this to my DP because he is ALWAYS late and it drives me mad. I find the way to not get really angry as I sit there watching him water all his plants, look for his keys, change his jacket etc is to just take myself (and the dogs) away and wait in the car with the radio on until he sorts his life out. So, YABU if you are always late. It's very irritating!

Chanjer · 03/08/2020 09:29

You both sound annoying

pinkbalconyrailing · 03/08/2020 09:30

are you always 'losing track of time'?

if yes, I'm in your dh's camp.
ditherers and faffers are a pain to live with.

DoubleTweenQueen · 03/08/2020 09:30

So I would suggest here:
The past few months have been difficult for everyone and many people are on edge and relationships strained
This is a big birthday and special occasion for your dh's mum, particularly actually meeting up to celebrate in a pub after a drive - traffic a bit of an unknown at the moment
Your DH likely to be anxious to make sure you all got there on time to help the day/event go smoothly and happily for his mum
He got the kids ready so you were able to do your thing and you'd agreed a leave time
If it were me, I would probably have sent a child up to remind you of the time while getting the car sorted. Yelling up the stairs quite rude.
I think you should have been more gracious/organised. The fact you were actually early to the pub is luck.

Iwalkinmyclothing · 03/08/2020 09:30

I think your DH was being a tit; I can't stand people doing this sort of 'teach you a lesson' thing and I think it's such a grubby way to run a relationship. If you're about to leave, say so- don't drag the kids to sit in the car and make a point about someone not being quite ready to leave on the dot of the time aimed for. That's not how family life should be. It's all so petty and unkind.

isabellerossignol · 03/08/2020 09:31

@printmeanicephoto

So most of you think DH's passive aggressive behaviour was justified in this particular instance. Interesting....
It's not that I think passive aggressive is ok. It's just that in this particular instance it doesn't sound like any big deal in that you agreed a time to leave and at that time he got himself and the kids into the car. To me that seems like a perfectly obvious thing to do. And I wouldn't see the need to tell the other person I was doing it because they had already agreed on the timing so the natural assumption would be that they are just about to come downstairs and get in the car too.

You do say that your husband is passive aggressive in general which is an issue. But as an isolated incident, this seems like a non event to me. But obviously if he is generally passive aggressive then from your point of view, living with him, it isn't an isolated incident.