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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be told that my family are actually leaving

387 replies

printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 00:23

Today we went out for DH's mum's 80th birthday (a meal for 6 at a pub) about an hour's drive away. About twenty minutes before DH, myself and our two teens were due to leave our house to drive over, DH and I had a chat and agreed a precise time to leave to give us ample time to get there. I ended up being busy putting on my slap upstairs in the bathroom up until the time we"d agreed to leave and admit I slightly lost track of time by a few minutes (my fault I know). When I realised iI was slightly late I went downstairs to try and find everyone - looking in the lounge and kitchen etc. Then I glanced outside and noticed that the kids and my DH were all sitting in the car waiting for me. I also noticed DH had put the house key in the lock for me to lock up.

DH then gets cross with me when I get in the car and says we agreed twenty minutes ago exactly when we were going to leave. AIBU to expect DH to actually tell me that him and the kids are about to leave the house? Isn't that what people do - ie make sure everyone who is meant to be going in the car with them knows they are now leaving? That's what I would do - shout up the stairs or something! He says no, we agreed a time and that's that.

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

I know I was at fault, but I can't help feeling he's being rather difficult and that shouting up the stairs or something wouldn't kill him.

OP posts:
notthemum · 03/08/2020 08:37

Christ, from the title I thought your family were moving to another country or at least many miles away.
Sorry OP.
You had agreed a time to leave, you should have been ready and not needed to be called.
I hate late. It makes no difference that you arrived at the venue early you are an adult, no reason or excuse for you not to be ready and quite frankly I would have found that disrespectful and gone without you.

rc22 · 03/08/2020 08:38

I do this to my DH. He knows what time we're leaving and at the time, I leave the keys in the lock and I get in the car. If I'm driving, I start the engine and then turn the car around. He is consistently late for everything though and I have been driven to doing this after many years of waiting for him to be ready. If you're usually on time OP, it probably was a bit unfair of your husband!

Muminho · 03/08/2020 08:39

YABU

Get a watch.

Cattiwampus · 03/08/2020 08:41

@diddl

*" I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car."

But you weren't ready on time-they would have still been waiting for you.

Where they wait is up to them.

If you need more time to get ready then you need to say.

Set an alarm for yourself. Set several. No pleading with someone else, unless you are unable to tell the time.
Billben · 03/08/2020 08:42

YABU. Fully agree with your DH. You are an adult, not a child. Organise yourself better.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 03/08/2020 08:43

Thing is you are not actually just 5 minutes late. Because you have not contribute to the 101 small jobs and checks that need to be done to get a family out the house.

Had you contribute to those you would have been far later. You have just abdicated responsibility for everything to your DH.

Your meant to be a team

hotchipontheshoulder · 03/08/2020 08:45

So you were 20 minutes late leaving for his mums birthday meal because you lost track of time and were still getting ready but the rest of the family were ready at the time you'd all agreed? You are the one in the wrong here, lateness is rude.

ExclamationPerfume · 03/08/2020 08:46

THE OP WAS 5 MINUTES LATE NOT 20. WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE GETTING IT WRONG.

Bashingboris · 03/08/2020 08:47

YABU.

You agreed a precise time but apparently didn’t try to enforce it. Not a good look for an adult.
Your repeated comments that you were still 15 minutes early to the pub could make someone think you didn’t believe in the original deadline and ignoring it was all part of the plan

RubyWow · 03/08/2020 08:48

It’s a bit petty not to call for you but lateness is a huge bugbear of mine. Why is your time more important than theirs? If I’d sat waiting in the car for you for 20 minutes I’d be really pissed off.

SarahBellam · 03/08/2020 08:50

Is it possible he was just being helpful and getting everyone rounded up and ready so you could go as soon as you were ready and wouldn’t be any later than you needed to be? I agree that people being late is really annoying.

InTheWings · 03/08/2020 08:50

Oh, god the ‘only 5 minutes’

Yes one person being 5 mInutes late causing 3 other people to hang around, why is it up to you to waste a combined total of 15 mins of other people’s time?

And the calling up...’oh I’ll just be 5 mins’ so someone else goes to do something that over runs and the whole thing spirals.

Chivvying people is exhausting and exasperating. The teens are well trained. Who wants to go back to chivvying an adult like a toddler?

Blueeyedpixie · 03/08/2020 08:50

You think your time is more valuable than everyone else’s.

Cattiwampus · 03/08/2020 08:50

@ExclamationPerfume

THE OP WAS 5 MINUTES LATE NOT 20. WHY ARE SO MANY PEOPLE GETTING IT WRONG.
Don’t trust her assessment of how long she took? People who are chronically late always underestimate. And get annoyed at others saying they should be able to keep to time. There’s always a string of piddlingly little reasons why they were late ‘This time’ as if it wasn’t almost every time.
winniesanderson · 03/08/2020 08:52

I'm with you op. In this house whoever was ready first would say something to the other. Even, "I'm just going to get the kids in the car." I haven't read all the replies but feel my family are in the minority here. But we don't hold each other to account like that. We're a team. But then we rarely set absolutes in terms of leaving times. I don't like to be late so we always give ourselves plenty of time. I'd find it really weird if my family went to the car to wait without letting me know.

dontdisturbmenow · 03/08/2020 08:52

My oh is like you. Its almost as if he gets a kick at the fact that we are waiting on him. It's infuriating. 5 minutes can sometimes make quite a difference.

Its not the issue itself. The first few times it happened, I let it go, but when it gets to the point that it happens regularly, it becomes very annoying.

Its not hard to make sure you don't lose track of the time, done people are just not bothered because they are used to thinking the world revolves around them.

lostfrequencies · 03/08/2020 08:52

YABU

WanderingMilly · 03/08/2020 08:55

He gave you a time. You need to be ready by then....he is right, you are an adult, not a child and don't need to be called or reminded....
People who are constantly late and can't stick to a time are incredibly irritating, I expect he's sick of it.

User87471643901065319 · 03/08/2020 09:00

and we were about 15 mins early to the pub.
Irrelevant. You agreed when you were going to leave. If you aren't always late, does your DH suffer anxiety?

Juno231 · 03/08/2020 09:01

YABU.

  • the fact you had to set a very specific time indicates that this isn't the first time you've had issues with time keeping
  • you expect him to call up but ignore that you didn't call down to say you were running late
  • your time is not more valuable than others, he's probably just tired of you doing this consistently
Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 09:02

Sorry, just repeating I was 5 mins late not 20.

OP posts:
Original poster
printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 09:03

...into the car.

OP posts:
Honeybobbin · 03/08/2020 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DappledThings · 03/08/2020 09:03

@printmeanicephoto

Sorry, just repeating I was 5 mins late not 20.
Makes no difference. You were still BU.
eatsleepread · 03/08/2020 09:07

But even if he had called up the stairs, you clearly wouldn't have been ready to go.