Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be told that my family are actually leaving

387 replies

printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 00:23

Today we went out for DH's mum's 80th birthday (a meal for 6 at a pub) about an hour's drive away. About twenty minutes before DH, myself and our two teens were due to leave our house to drive over, DH and I had a chat and agreed a precise time to leave to give us ample time to get there. I ended up being busy putting on my slap upstairs in the bathroom up until the time we"d agreed to leave and admit I slightly lost track of time by a few minutes (my fault I know). When I realised iI was slightly late I went downstairs to try and find everyone - looking in the lounge and kitchen etc. Then I glanced outside and noticed that the kids and my DH were all sitting in the car waiting for me. I also noticed DH had put the house key in the lock for me to lock up.

DH then gets cross with me when I get in the car and says we agreed twenty minutes ago exactly when we were going to leave. AIBU to expect DH to actually tell me that him and the kids are about to leave the house? Isn't that what people do - ie make sure everyone who is meant to be going in the car with them knows they are now leaving? That's what I would do - shout up the stairs or something! He says no, we agreed a time and that's that.

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

I know I was at fault, but I can't help feeling he's being rather difficult and that shouting up the stairs or something wouldn't kill him.

OP posts:
Newdaynewname1 · 03/08/2020 09:31

@printmeanicephoto he wasn’t passive aggressive. How was he to know you wouldn’t be there in the next second or so? Reminding a full grown adult like you would a toddler - now that is passive aggressive!

diddl · 03/08/2020 09:34

@printmeanicephoto

So most of you think DH's passive aggressive behaviour was justified in this particular instance. Interesting....
I also don't see it as PA.

Waiting in the house, waiting in the car-it's still waiting either way!

DoubleTweenQueen · 03/08/2020 09:36

I don't think he was being passive aggressive either, from what you've said, but I don't think anyone can know unless they were there.
Seems more like you felt bad for being a bit late, got flustered because they weren't in the house but in the car, and are perhaps deflecting that a bit?

XiCi · 03/08/2020 09:37

I think your DH was being a tit; I can't stand people doing this sort of 'teach you a lesson' thing and I think it's such a grubby way to run a relationship. If you're about to leave, say so- don't drag the kids to sit in the car and make a point about someone not being quite ready to leave on the dot of the time aimed for. That's not how family life should be. It's all so petty and unkind

Exactly this. I also dont believe for one second that anyone on here wouldnt have shouted up at least to say we're ready now, we'll meet you in the car. I can just imagine him sat purse lipped in the car tapping his watch Grin. I probably would have told him to go on his own tbh. I cant stand this sort of shit.

DoubleTweenQueen · 03/08/2020 09:38

Everyone's a bit on edge, maybe without realising it. Just be a bit I need to each other? Really not a big deal.
Did the birthday go well?

DoubleTweenQueen · 03/08/2020 09:40

*kinder, not I need

DoubleTweenQueen · 03/08/2020 09:43

MN strikes again! DH being a tit would be like getting of his head the night before, not checking the route & timings, leaving everything/kids to you so you'd been unable to do your makeup, and getting to the party late and bad-tempered........

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 03/08/2020 09:46

YABVU. My OH is ALWAYS late. I tell him a time we need to leave by and he is faffing around looking at his laptop. I've often gone and sat in the car with it running and left the key in the door for him to lock up. If it was once I wouldn't have an issue but it's nearly every time we need to leave at a certain time and pisses me right off. Just be ready on time, it's respectful to everyone else's time.

EmpressSuiko · 03/08/2020 09:47

Going against the grain and going to say I can’t stand people who are so militant over time!
Being a few minutes late makes no difference, it’s not the end of the world!
Things happen and it’s easy to lose track of time even if you start getting ready hours in advance, people forget things or might take longer than they thought.
Good communication and a simple apology is all that’s needed.
It really wouldn’t have killed your DH to tell up “we are all ready, we’ll be waiting in the car” So yes he was bu, especially over 5 minutes 🙄

makemyweek · 03/08/2020 09:50

I Increasingly feel I am walking completely out of step with most posters on these kind of AIBU threads. I do not know any family irl who lives like this. Agree a time to leave? Yes. Allow for 5 /10 minutes each side of agreed time? Yes. Communicate with other family members before actually leaving the house? Yes.

Whether your husband was just having a particularly petty moment or this is indicative of his day to day nature only the op can decide. We can all be prone to petty actions now and then but I don't think the op did anything wrong.

Boireannachlaidir · 03/08/2020 09:50

Rather than ask why he didn't call up to you before getting into the car with the kids (petty, yep) you should be asking yourself why you didn't tell everyone you were running late as soon as you knew you'd need more time to put on your makeup?

"5 minutes" can seem like an eternity when you're already ready and waiting to go. Especially sitting in the car.

If you've a history of being late I could understand your DH's frustration and actions but if you're not then it sounds like he just wanted to punish you in front of the kids.

YABU for being late so I'd drop this one tbh.

nitsandwormsdodger · 03/08/2020 09:54

Take more responsibility for time keeping
Ask him to help by giving reminders/ calling up

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/08/2020 09:57

YABU
I agree within your DH. You are an adult. You agreed the exact time to leave twenty minutes ago. It’s up to you to be ready on time or if not, go back and out of courtesy let him and DCs know you need an extra 5 or 10 or however many minutes. You’re not a child who needs a shout up the stairs. Do you expect him to help you put on your shoes too? Ask you if you’ve gone to the potty before leaving? Stop being such an infant.

GabsAlot · 03/08/2020 09:58

my mil used to do this even though we werent even late it used to wind me up

maybe the kids were getting antsy so he just put them in the car

Heismyopendoor · 03/08/2020 10:00

I think you are over reacting.

When me and DH are getting ready to go out, whoever is ready first (9 times out of 10 it’s DH) will go down and get the car ready, get the kids in, might be some rubbish in the car that needs run to the bin and so on.

I wouldn’t expect my dh to let me know he was going to do that and my dh would look at me like i was crazy if I told him I was going to the car. If my dh told me I’d be like ‘eh that’s nice.’ 🤷‍♀️

Why would they sit in the house, whilst you were late and pottering about, and wait and then all go and get in the car once you were ready. Makes sense for everyone else to be in the car with everything you need (we often bring snacks, water bottles, coats, water proofs etc) and then you can just jump in.

Taikoo · 03/08/2020 10:02

People who are persistently and mindlessly late are infuriating.

merrytombombadil · 03/08/2020 10:02

"This has happened before" so basically he's fed up with you having no concept of timekeeping and him having to parent you all the time and decided it was less stressful to just sit in the car rather than having to treat you like a child. I have no sympathy with you, but a lot of sympathy for your husband.

merrytombombadil · 03/08/2020 10:03

He also got the kids in the car while you apparently only needed to bring yourself - and still managed to be on time

notheragain4 · 03/08/2020 10:05

But he was only in the car, he hasn't actually left. I sometimes go sit in the car when my DH is running late so we are ready to go as soon as he is out, it's not pathetic or even trying to say anything, kids take a few mins to get in the car so I get that sorted while he's faffing.

VeeDubber · 03/08/2020 10:06

Sounds like your husband has changed tack in dealing with your lateness. He instigated a discussion with a clearly agreed time, all you had to do was get yourself ready and leave the house.

It was his mum's 80th. Seriously, at least try and make a bit of effort for important events.

Presumably while you were faffing, your DH was making sure everywhere was locked up, checking the oven was switched off, and doing the last minute bits that some people do before leaving the house.

I honestly can't see that he did anything wrong.

We arrived at the pub early.
Yeah even your families have started doing that thing where they lie about what time the booking is for, to make sure you manage to get there on time - you see it recommended on here all the time as a tactic for dealing with perpetually late people.

Coldspringharbour · 03/08/2020 10:06

You sound thoughtless and self absorbed. You had an arrangement and you were late. I’m sure it’s very frustrating for him that you can’t manage your time better. All those excuses about the windows and guinea pigs shouldn’t make you later.

gingerbeerandlemonade · 03/08/2020 10:08

My dh does this all the time. It doesn't bother me- if I take too long then it's his fault for waiting outside. Not sure why you are so bothered 🤷‍♀️

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 03/08/2020 10:09

This was us yesterday. Going to to see 80 year old MIL for the first time in 5 months. Meant to be leaving at 2pm. DS and I quite happily waiting in the car for DH, who had gone upstairs and obvs got distracted. At 2.15 I messaged him and sent DS in to get him. He comes out and says you should've given me a shout. I said no worries, I should've told you and off we set.
On the other hand if it had been the other way round, I can guarantee DH would've been a prick about it and picked a fight and it just sours the day. So I'm on your side OP. Sometimes people need a reminder. Passive aggressively sitting in the car is just stupid.

Brefugee · 03/08/2020 10:23

People think the OP was 20 minutes because of the convoluted way she said: we agreed to leave in 20 minutes and i was 5 minutes late because i lost track of time putting my slap on.

Which is 25% of the time that they'd agreed. Presuming OP knows how long it takes to put make-up on why not agree to leave in 25 minutes?

Going against the grain and going to say I can’t stand people who are so militant over time!

I can't stand people who are habitually late.

Being a few minutes late makes no difference, it’s not the end of the world!

It is so bloody annoying to always be waiting for one person. I don't do it for the habitually late. I leave without them.

Things happen and it’s easy to lose track of time even if you start getting ready hours in advance, people forget things or might take longer than they thought.

if you're 4 and you start playing with your Lego, sure. If you're grown up enough to have a house, and teenagers? not so much. Again. I don't wait for the habitually late. I'm very much over that.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 03/08/2020 10:23

Lmao again at the people who think your husband is a hero for getting the kids in the car. They're teenagers FFS

MN strikes again! DH being a tit would be like getting of his head the night before, not checking the route & timings, leaving everything/kids to you so you'd been unable to do your makeup, and getting to the party late and bad-tempered......

Because there's no middle ground? What a stupid comment.

I'm so baffled by all these families who are incapable of communicating. It would have taken him 2 seconds to shout up the stairs that they were ready to leave and OP would have been less than 5 minutes no doubt. Him telling the teenagers to go and sit in the car with him is him being a tit