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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to be told that my family are actually leaving

387 replies

printmeanicephoto · 03/08/2020 00:23

Today we went out for DH's mum's 80th birthday (a meal for 6 at a pub) about an hour's drive away. About twenty minutes before DH, myself and our two teens were due to leave our house to drive over, DH and I had a chat and agreed a precise time to leave to give us ample time to get there. I ended up being busy putting on my slap upstairs in the bathroom up until the time we"d agreed to leave and admit I slightly lost track of time by a few minutes (my fault I know). When I realised iI was slightly late I went downstairs to try and find everyone - looking in the lounge and kitchen etc. Then I glanced outside and noticed that the kids and my DH were all sitting in the car waiting for me. I also noticed DH had put the house key in the lock for me to lock up.

DH then gets cross with me when I get in the car and says we agreed twenty minutes ago exactly when we were going to leave. AIBU to expect DH to actually tell me that him and the kids are about to leave the house? Isn't that what people do - ie make sure everyone who is meant to be going in the car with them knows they are now leaving? That's what I would do - shout up the stairs or something! He says no, we agreed a time and that's that.

This has happened before and I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car. He says no because I'm an adult not a toddler!

I know I was at fault, but I can't help feeling he's being rather difficult and that shouting up the stairs or something wouldn't kill him.

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 03/08/2020 07:57

Sounds like you’re shocked he’s changed his behaviour with regard to your constant lateness.

He’s probably trying a new tactic because he finds your usual lateness really frustrating.

I think the takeaway for you is you need to sort your timekeeping out - unfortunately it impacts others and comes across as self-absorbed/entitled.

You can create a new habit OP! It’s not a huge character defect, just a bad habit.

Oysterbabe · 03/08/2020 07:58

I just don't believe you that you haven't got form for this.

edenhills · 03/08/2020 07:58

@TehBewilderness

He has the kids help him punish you for being late. What an asshat.
This!
VivienScott · 03/08/2020 07:58

Sorry but YABU. My ex was always late for things and in the end I did exactly the same as your husband, put kids in car and waited outside. It’s driven by utter frustration, also he probably doesn’t want to be late for his mum’s 80th birthday! Especially with everything else going on at the moment.

Cattiwampus · 03/08/2020 08:01

You are an adult, manage yourself.
I grew up in a family with a mother who was always late. She’d make endless excuses, misremember how late she was and how often and it was never her fault.
My bet is that you do this regularly and don’t believe you do.
I’m always on time, one of my siblings is chronically late all the time. Except in her job, which she’s super-efficient at. Her family tolerate it and just adjust times. Sometimes they lie to her and say 7 instead of 8, so she has time to flap and bustle around.

sonjadog · 03/08/2020 08:02

My Mum did this all through my childhood. In the end we all waited in the car as it seemed to make her a bit less late. Massively annoying and disrespectful of other family members. YABU.

FAQs · 03/08/2020 08:06

My teen is a faffer and always a few minutes late so I jump in the car and wait for her whilst she locks up, can’t see the issue ?

diddl · 03/08/2020 08:10

*" I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car."

But you weren't ready on time-they would have still been waiting for you.

Where they wait is up to them.

If you need more time to get ready then you need to say.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/08/2020 08:11

It sounded like you were 20 mins late. Don’t think he’d be that peed off over 5 mins - once you get to the car it can take up to 5 mins to get ready to drive: 3 people to get in and buckle up, set the GPS, whatever.

NameChange84 · 03/08/2020 08:11

I think if you’ve habitually been the person that holds the family up, potentially for years, then eventually the rest of the family’s patience wears thin...speaking from experience.

You knew when the time you were supposed to be leaving was. You weren’t ready. Yes most people would shout we are leaving or whatever but it sounds like everyone is fed up with always waiting for you or being late because of you.

Standrewsschool · 03/08/2020 08:11

I find his action odd and passive aggressive. All he needed to do was shout ‘time to go’ as he was putting on his shoes.

IseeIsee · 03/08/2020 08:12

I understand your DHs irritation 100%. One of these days, he will just drive off!

KittyHawke80 · 03/08/2020 08:12

I grasped that the OP wasn't twenty minutes late, but I actually think it's more absurd that a scant twenty minutes after agreeing they'd go at 'X' time . . . she's not ready at 'X' time. Him shouting up the stairs wouldn't have hurried you up - you'd probably be on here moaning that he'd shouted up the poxy stairs. I think it was fine them sitting in the car. You're in the wrong.

DappledThings · 03/08/2020 08:13

I pleaded with him last time to make sure he tells me when he is actually leaving the house so I don't keep the family waiting in the car
If he decided to leave earlier than agreed then this would be a reasonable request. If you just can't be arsed looking at the time yourself and taking responsibility for being ready in the agreed timeframe then that's your lookout. Why should he have to manage you?

FourPlasticRings · 03/08/2020 08:17

It's just common courtesy to communicate basic information like 'we are going to the car' rather than going out quietly and getting pissed off because the other person wasn't aware.

But it's also common courtesy to show up on time and ready. And I say that as someone who is often late. Ultimately, you can't take the moral high ground when you're starting from a position of being rude yourself.

As PP have said- what would you have done differently had he told you he was going to sit in the car, OP? If it would have lit a fire of urgency under you, might I suggest you learn to cultivate that fire of urgency under yourself without external prompting?

FreekStar · 03/08/2020 08:18

You both sound odd. You're running 20 minutes behind so it would be normal to say to your family- 'oh no, I didn't realise the time- give me a few minutes and I'll be ready' or something. And it's better if DH says 'come on print, we're going to be late- how much time do you need, can you do your make-up in the car?' or something.

Bemorechicken · 03/08/2020 08:20

@VivienScott

Sorry but YABU. My ex was always late for things and in the end I did exactly the same as your husband, put kids in car and waited outside. It’s driven by utter frustration, also he probably doesn’t want to be late for his mum’s 80th birthday! Especially with everything else going on at the moment.
Exactly the same with my ex too. I did all the animals, the children and myself and was always ready on time. I then used to sit in the car with the children and wait. With him, it was a control thing -I will be last like the King. Then he would get in the car and smile sickly and say right then you lot, everyone ready now?

Children from the age of 10 up and adults are VERY capable of knowing the time. My youngest uses Alexa.

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 08:20

Do people really think a 'that's us heading to the car' is 'managing' them?

Its just quite basic communication.

Things that people seem to be missing are

Op acknowledges she was in the wrong for being late in her opening post, that isn't the question
Op was five minutes late, not twenty
The kids are teenagers (it says so right in the opening post)

I'm so surprised that 90% of mumsnet go to the car on the dot of the time agreed. In our house its more like 'OK, let's aim to leave about 7, but by no later than ten past', and then when everyone is ready we leave for the car together. I didn't realise how highly unusual that seems to be.

LockdownDowner · 03/08/2020 08:21

You were late - they were making a point! Maybe they could have done it differently but if you hadn't set a time and been late then they wouldn't have needed too. Why agree a time and not stick to it? How would you have felt if you had been ready and they had all been 20 mins late?

ChangeThePassword · 03/08/2020 08:22

You're running 20 minutes behind

No, five minutes.

They agreed to leave in twenty minutes.

FlamingoAndJohn · 03/08/2020 08:25

I do think DH should have shouted to say they were getting in the car.
That said how did you not hear the sound of everyone getting their shoes on and the front door shutting etc?

ChrisPrattsFace · 03/08/2020 08:25

I just can't compute the passive aggressiveness of not shouting up "we're leaving now"

I feel like if this was what happened - this thread would be complaining that your DH shouted up and left without waiting in the house for you.

FWIW I think YABU. If we agree to leave at 8 I will get ready and often meet DH in the car. I also don’t leave my makeup till 15minutes before we leave.

DappledThings · 03/08/2020 08:26

Do people really think a 'that's us heading to the car' is 'managing' them?
As a one-off no, but if it's part of a pattern of repeatedly ignoring agreed times and being late because of getting caught up in faffing about with make-up and depending on reminders about the time rather than just checking it then yes.

cptartapp · 03/08/2020 08:27

It's probably the tip of the iceberg. Can't stand lateness.
YABU. Get it together.

SockYarn · 03/08/2020 08:37

The very fact that you had to agree a precise time speaks volumes - you clearly have a serious timekeeping issue and your DH and kids are fed up with you.

I don't think you get how irritating people like you are with your "losing track of time" faffing around and being selfish while everyone else waits for you.