For not wanting to see this child ever again?

[justchecking80]

Today son (6yo) and I met acquaintance mum and her child (4yo) for lunch and play in the park. We are both in a larger group due to go on holiday with kids later in August and mum approached me asking for a playdate so the kids "can get to know each other".
This child is "difficult" and prone to aggressive behaviour and tantrums. We've been out with them a couple of time and child has been very physical, in one instance even wrapping his arm around my son's neck.

Anyway, we met for lunch and things went ok, although towards the end child decided he wanted to lay down on his and son's chair so my son had to stand up while his mum was finishing her meal. Also, at one point the child started screaming extremely loudly with people staring at us.
We then went to the park where child has been:

• throwing sand on my son, aiming to his face
• being disobedient and totally disregarding what his mum was asking him to do/not to do
• invited my son to a race with their scooters, resulting in me and mum losing sight of them for a good 10 minutes, I've never once lost my son before. During this time my son got slightly injured falling from the swing while child was pushing.
• throwing gravel stones at me and my son, and carrying on after his mum asked him to stop
• at the end of the playdate, we were due to leave and by now I was looking forward to it to catch the train home and after I asked the child to return my son's scooter because we needed to run for the train he decided to run away with it while his mum chasing him for a good 10 minute, resulting in us actually missing the train
• when we finally got hold of them (mum was still trying to take the scooter out of child' hands) I told the child he was being naughty and he replied I am a stinky poop
• we then left mum and child behind to try to get the train child was having a meltdown anyway but after realising that was too late we slowed down our pace, resulting in mum and child catching up with us and having to walk together while child kept calling me stinky poop for several times ignoring him mum's plea to stop.

AIBU for not wanting to meet this child ever again and now dreading to have to spend a week with them in August?

The behaviour sounds exhausting to be around - it may or may not be SEN, but it's kind to bear that in mind when a kid is only four and unlikely to have a diagnosis yet.

You were utterly silly to send such a judge text - just don't mix with them in future.

And as for going on holiday with several households in the middle of a pandemic, albeit in separate accommodation...🤯 You're only supposed to meet with Max six people full stop when it's more than two households mixing. And why on earth would you go on a family holiday with people whom you describe as acquaintances, not friends?

Honestly - stop being so judgemental about other people's kids (and if you must be, then at least don't TELL them what you think), and don't commit to a flipping holiday with them without even knowing what they're like 😂

"..not the first time has negatively influenced another child's behaviour"

I didn't know 4 year olds could have so much control of a 6 year old's behaviour. But hey, what do I know?🐸☕

While I sympathise with your sentiments OP, that message was putting the boot in a bit. She'll be feeling bad enough already!

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

I thought the text was quite restrained actually. OP made it clear she was concerned about the combination of two kids that hadn't behaved brilliantly in the park together, and invited the other mum to share the project of making sure that doesn't happen on holiday. Considering the main problem seems to have been that her generally compliant child who doesn't normally have to be watched like a hawk behaved unusually in the company of a child who appears to be totally off the leash, I think OP was pretty generous.

Nah, it was very transparently pointing the finger at the other party for the six year olds behavior.

It was smug and mean.

One of the boys in my sons nursery class was like your son, there was always a reason why it was never his fault. An only child who was never expected to take responsibility for his actions. He had a tough primary life and is struggling in high school and it's still never his fault!

He was conditioned from a young age to never take responsibility or modify his behaviours... other kids found him hard to be friends with and in the end didn't bother as any arguments or issues where 'never him'. School were pretty wise to him by end of primary.

I blame his mother she's made his life lonely!

Don't do that to your boy

I am not blaming a 4yo for my 6yo behaviour at all

Yes you are. You accuse a FOUR YEAR OLD of being a negative influence. Agree with others, that text was awful.

We have all had times when our children were difficult, we have all been around parents who are struggling with a child's behaviour. I hope that most of us have the good grace to understand how difficult this is and to be kind in our response to the parent, when the parent is clearly trying their best, as this one was.

That four year old has an excuse for his behaviour, he is too young to understand the impact of it. What is your excuse for your anti-social and hurtful behaviour OP?

I can't believe all the suggestions to cancel a holiday because of a 4 year old also holidaying there 😂

@Timekeeper1 oh thank goodness you finally posted. It felt like I was taking crazy pills or something. A lot of the posters were exemplifying permissive parenting and I'd hate to be around them when their kids eventually kick off because they likely wouldn't discipline their children.

@justchecking80 I think you're unfairly getting a pasting on here when your mode of communication was really restrained. I would put down more boundaries with the child and reinforce the ones with your son as a way to inoculate him from the other bratty misbehaving child. I would even go to the point of never having your child be one on one with him during the holiday. Only let them play together if there's at least another child (and parent) around who could counterbalance the misbehaviour.

Oh my gosh that text was uncalled for! If you have got such a problem with a four year old then you should have spoken up more clearly at the time surely?
No, you must stand up that is my son’s chair
Races are fun but they are now banned as you scooted off
By running away you caused us to miss our train!
Do not speak to people like that, it isn’t polite.
Etc.
A four year old doesn’t have influence, they only have behaviour. You have the power and it sounds like you are massively scapegoating this kid. As if he managed to lead your son astray! He’s two years younger. Possibly you felt you couldn’t control the boys? So your prob is with the mum not the child and she is probably at the end of her rope. You judging her son is the last thing she needs.

That poor mum i bet she felt awful for her sons behaviour without your sanctimonious judgey text.

You have no idea what is going on for him to behave like that but it sounds as if she tried her best.

I also feel really sorry for the other mum, her child is only four and possibly a bit of a handful but he’s still working out his boundaries. I also try not to judge other parents because there’s always times when one’s own angel plays up a bit And probably annoys other people! He may/may not have sen issues, probably just energetic and perhaps the mother isn’t very good at controlling him, but unless you’ve walked in her shoes I wouldn’t be one to judge! She’s probably exasperated and at the end of her tether and probably really upset by that message. I would be.

My son had a friend who he’d be ‘naughty’ with, they used to obviously wind each other the wrong way - and the other boy was more prone (and he poss adhd issues), but my son was just as much to blame and easily led. I did ask teachers to keep them away from each other which helped. The other boys rough play ended up with my son getting an injury and we had to go to a&e to get it sorted, but even so I know these things can happen and he didn’t mean to hurt my son....

I think you’ve had a bit of hard time here OP. Your text isn’t the horrifically brutal message people have made out. 😕 Interesting that for some people saying “they don’t play well together” is absolutely disgusting and horrid but getting up and leaving the play date altogether is totally fine?

Throwing gravel is ridiculous and dangerous and about where I’d draw the line at ‘nope’. Hope your holiday is better with other people around.

We are entitled to make our own choices in life.

I would choose to keep my child away from him.

Simple as that. No need for blame or discussion.

Is this a thing then, going on holiday with mere acquaintances?
Mot a lot you can do about it now, you knew what he was like, what did you expect would happen?
Cancel or suck it up and maybe learn and have a family holiday next year.

child kept calling me stinky poop for several times ignoring him mum's plea to stop

So why didn't you speak up and say something to him?
Yea, he's ignoring his mum, so YOU support her by telling him to behave, be sharp, be firm, raise your voice if need be.

Yes he sounds like a handful but do you realise how judgemental you sound. There was no reason to send these text (other than to make the other mum feel bad). Your son is 6, he is plenty old enough to know that he shouldn’t go off where you can’t find him. Blaming a 4 year old who wanted a race is pretty pathetic behaviour. I have two boys who couldn’t be more different- one is rule follower and one is rule breaker. I parent them the same. Kids are different and it does sound like this child in particular has additional needs and you were so unsympathetic.

YANBU to cancel the holiday, this play date was to gauge how they get on and clearly they don't

YABU to blame her 4 year old for your 6 year olds behavior - where were you when they started to race off for 10 minutes?
YABU to not start setting the tone earlier, telling her child to move so yours could sit down, moving your child away when sand was being thrown at him etc.

You moan at her parenting but yours seems to be no different. neither of you were watching your children properly, and neither of you are seemingly capable of correcting bad behavior.

YABVU for sending that text message, it was totally unnecessary and really rude.

Some children are naughty, some are brats, some have additional needs, its up to you to teach your child how to respond to others and not be so easily led.

The child probably has SEN, the mum sounds completely out of her depth.
Things may improve, but right now, YANBU to avoid them.

Sounds just like my ASD/ADHD child when going into overload. Child is 4. Even NT 4 year olds have their moments when tired or overloaded but if you look past the horrendous behaviour I bet you would also see a lot of amazing traits in the child.

I don’t actually understand how the four year old could offer a race to your child and you were not witness to stop it. Where were you? Your text sounds like they were unsupervised this time?

I also don’t get why you’re saying you shouldn’t allow the kids to play unsupervised. Children of this age should always be supervised, it should not need saying.

The child does seem a hand full and it could be something he grows out of, maybe he gets over excited with other kids, or it could be there are other issues at play, but these children are young and should be supervised at all times.

I have one with ASD and one NT child. The one with ASD was a bit like the "naughty" child here at 4. I was once sent a text, when he was 5, by a mum (who I'd met through a hobby group and who had a DS the same age so we set up a playdate as my DS was desperate for friends) saying she didn't want my son near hers again because he had said some upsetting things. It just about broke me - we were already so isolated, I was so lonely, and here came another rejection. My DS wasn't diagnosed but it was quite obvious he was socially inept (and he didn't say anything mean, just didn't pretend to share interests and was at times blunter than you'd expect, as in "I don't like that TV show you've said was your favourite").

Anyway, I do tell my DSs off, but the difference is, I ask NT DS to do/not do something with a simple explanation and that's it, fine (and he isn't often naughty in the first place). With ASD DS he misbehaves more anyway, and when asked to do/not do something might not listen, might need a massive long explanation, might start getting really anxious and start shouting/flapping about.. .

Being a parent of an SEN child is such hard work. And the judgement and isolation only make it worse.

Disclaimer: not saying naughty child in OP definitely has SEN. But he might, and a little kindness goes a long way.

@Catrina123

I also feel really sorry for the other mum, her child is only four and possibly a bit of a handful but he’s still working out his boundaries. I also try not to judge other parents because there’s always times when one’s own angel plays up a bit And probably annoys other people! He may/may not have sen issues, probably just energetic and perhaps the mother isn’t very good at controlling him, but unless you’ve walked in her shoes I wouldn’t be one to judge! She’s probably exasperated and at the end of her tether and probably really upset by that message. I would be.

My son had a friend who he’d be ‘naughty’ with, they used to obviously wind each other the wrong way - and the other boy was more prone (and he poss adhd issues), but my son was just as much to blame and easily led. I did ask teachers to keep them away from each other which helped. The other boys rough play ended up with my son getting an injury and we had to go to a&e to get it sorted, but even so I know these things can happen and he didn’t mean to hurt my son....

possibly a bit of a handful

MN understatement of the year PITA for everyone more likely

The holiday sounds hellish and like a covid soup. Cancel.

Would they be the only kids there, Op?

YANBU.