Would you choose your daughter or sister??

[AtLastEarwax]

Hi all,

Not sure where to put this but basically 15+ years ago (I was maybe 14/15) I overheard my auntie calling me some awful names to her (then) husband who called me names as well. I've never disclosed what she said to anyone, my hubby, mum etc I will take it to my grave but put it this way, it has scarred me for life.

Anyway in a convo to my mum. I said that my auntie doesn't like me, I know she doesn't because the things she said. The way she acts towards me and stuff. Just a lot of things over the years to do with jewellery, money etc

I wasn't a nice teenager, I am the black sheep so to say..

My mum can be quite selfish and she will never apologise or give a compliment. Whether it's my parenting or things I feel I've been successful at. If she says Thankyou it's within a sentence not direct. She visits every other family member apart from us. She plays this grandma who is here all the time. She's sees the kids once a week if that. My mum said that every other Wednesday she will come up to see us - we live just up a hill from them. I asked if it was a cover up as my grandma has been asking some demanding things of her, just so I knew to back my mums story up and she said no I will actually see you. Gobsmacked is an understatement, I really didn't know what to say. Do I feel she should visit more? Yes, don't play the perfect grandma. We don't have any other family close (as in emotionally close) that's a good one to throw back in my face when she's angry "well you and the children haven't got anyone else but us". She can be hurtful in anger - as can we all but can never acknowledge it or apologise for things she's said. It is quite a rough relationship with my mum. Throughout my first pregnancy she was vile to me, upset me all the time to tears and finally after 4 months I crossed her name off the birthing plan, she didn't care. I asked her why she acted like that and she said she had a bad year that's why she was horrible to me. Second pregnancy she was a bit better but moaned that I was different during pregnancy - apparently your not allowed to have any mood swings or anything in pregnancy. It's a bit of a she loves me but doesn't like me relationship

Anyway in the conversation I said how what my auntie said wasn't very nice. My mum said
"well had you done something to make her say it?"
I said "probably who knows?"
And she said "don't make me choose"

To me I would never say that to my daughter! Perhaps I'm missing something but if my daughter expressed something that had scarred her I would believe it. I will never tell anyone what she said so it's all a bit pointless thinking like this but to even consider choosing??

I would choose my daughter hands down to my sister. I know that sounds awful, I love my sister but my daughter would come first

I'm giving this space in my brain that I really shouldn't but I just wanted to see other people's views on it?

Daughter, with absolute ease. My sister does sometimes try to parent my dd by being a bit critical and unpleasant about her, (my sister is one of those childless people whose hypothetical young children would be perfect poppets who were faultlessly polite all the time ). She has never gone so far as to call her vile names though. Even what my sister has done made me look at her differently and this along with other stuff has made me stop seeing her so much. She lives far away, so not difficult to avoid her.

If she dared call any child of mine names like that, woe betide her.

Sorry your mum sounds not great op .

@Leaannb

You really sound demanding. Your mother sees your children once a week but that's not enough?

Is that what she said ? I didn't read it that way at all!

Sticking to your question, I'd choose daughter over sister. But I don't have either so don't take that as definitive!

This all sounds very fraught and a big energy drain though. Do you have to have contact with your auntie? Can you go at least low contact with your mum? 'Family' is an overrated concept when your family aren't actually nice to you.

It sounds like a really difficult relationship, and you’ll probably feel calmer if you distance yourself a bit, not see more of her. It’s not easy when you don’t have other family who you’re close to, but thinking about what boundaries to put in place so that your contact with your mum is on your terms, not at her whim.

'Family' is an overrated concept when your family aren't actually nice to you.

A thousand times this^^.

I found that quite difficult to follow, sorry, but I think you sound hard work.

It sounds like you have a fraught relationship with your mother. I think you should accept she is who she is and try and build a network of more supportive friends.

Too much detail tbh but I bet most people have something awful about a teen relative!!
In time I bet you will too!!. Obviously you weren't meant to hear but being scarred for life is a bit ott.

I'd love to hear your mum's side - you sound like hard work. By most people's standards, seeing grandchildren once a week is a lot!
And given that you admit yourself that you weren't a nice teenager, I'm definitely wondering if what your aunt said was fair comment. Clearly your mum is wondering, too! Stop trying to stir up bad feeling about something that happened years ago.

You said that your aunty and uncle called you horrible names but haven't gone into any details about the kind of things that they said about you. You also said that you weren't a nice teenager but were equally vague about what that actually meant.

Could it be that your behaviour caused a lot of problems and upset for your mum, your auntie felt sorry for her sister and what she was going through and this is why she was saying unkind things about you?

I also think that saying you were scarred for life by the comments sounds incredibly melodramatic, especially as you are still young.

You say that your mum sees your children once a week but then say that you’re ‘gobsmacked’ that she wants to see you every other Wednesday. I’m a bit confused.
I think we need more information really.
What were the issues surrounding money, jewellery etc...? Had you done something really bad that your family can’t get over ?

You seem all seem to be harbouring resentments over a long period of time, if I’m honest.

Maybe have a family discussion to bring things out in the open ? Or just go low contact and avoid this toxicity altogether.

I like the family overrated thing. That perfectly makes sense.

I think it is me, being the hard work teenager and I've set that tone for her

I have distanced myself from her, I haven't spoke to her since Tuesday. I usually ring her to catch up but haven't bothered.

Seeing my friends more seems a good idea. I have two close friends that I don't see enough as I'd like to so going to message them.

There's a lot more to the situation, her relationship with my sister, allowing abuse etc but cba to get into that.

I just could never even contemplate the question, it wouldn't even need to be said!

Daughter/son over any other family member..every time.

Sister once made an unpleasant remark about my daughter (who was being a bit of a pain). My sister has never been given a chance to say anything like it again- she is an adult, my DD at the time, was a young child.

No contest.

I quite honestly am unsure what you are trying to say here. All the stuff about your mum and coming up the hill and visiting was lost on me. I would try to leave behind whatever it was that your aunt said when you were a teenager. You are an adult now. Cultivate friendships and keep your family at arms length.

I really hate "you sound like hard work". One poster says it and then everyone else falls over themselves to say exactly the same thing. My favourite has to be "I couldn't really follow your post, but you sound like hard work" .

So, you didn't even understand what she was saying, but the one thing you know for sure is "you sound like hard work". Honestly .

OP, I also found some of your post a little hard to follow. I think you might be better off hiding this thread and posting again in relationships, with a bit less detail and more specific issues with your mum .

Nobody on here knows you and I think it sounds like you are feeling hurt by your relationship with your mum. For everyone to pile on with "you sound like hard work, entitled" is so unhelpful and they are just generic, nasty, AIBU bingo comments anyway.

Good luck to you

The visiting thing comes from how she portrays herself to other people that's all

I followed her fine. She wasn’t a nice teenager, she “probably” said something to upset her auntie and is now wondering why her auntie doesn’t like her? Her mother see’s her children once a week which is actually quite a lot but it’s not enough. OP sounds like quite hard work to please.

@jazzpigeon, one poster said exactly that thougy; they couldn't follow but "you sound like hard work".

I don't think you did follow the visiting part right either.

The hard work comments have upset me a little bit put it into perspective nevertheless

@AtLastEarwax

The hard work comments have upset me a little bit put it into perspective nevertheless

Honestly op, I would hide this and try again. They aren't even trying to understand you. They are just out for some blood sport .

[quote SomeWateryTart]@jazzpigeon, one poster said exactly that thougy; they couldn't follow but "you sound like hard work".

I don't think you did follow the visiting part right either.[/quote]
@JizzPigeon22 sorry. I hope I didn't offend you by calling you a jazz pigeon instead of a jizz pigeon !

How do I do that?? X