Would you choose your daughter or sister??

[AtLastEarwax]

Hi all,

Not sure where to put this but basically 15+ years ago (I was maybe 14/15) I overheard my auntie calling me some awful names to her (then) husband who called me names as well. I've never disclosed what she said to anyone, my hubby, mum etc I will take it to my grave but put it this way, it has scarred me for life.

Anyway in a convo to my mum. I said that my auntie doesn't like me, I know she doesn't because the things she said. The way she acts towards me and stuff. Just a lot of things over the years to do with jewellery, money etc

I wasn't a nice teenager, I am the black sheep so to say..

My mum can be quite selfish and she will never apologise or give a compliment. Whether it's my parenting or things I feel I've been successful at. If she says Thankyou it's within a sentence not direct. She visits every other family member apart from us. She plays this grandma who is here all the time. She's sees the kids once a week if that. My mum said that every other Wednesday she will come up to see us - we live just up a hill from them. I asked if it was a cover up as my grandma has been asking some demanding things of her, just so I knew to back my mums story up and she said no I will actually see you. Gobsmacked is an understatement, I really didn't know what to say. Do I feel she should visit more? Yes, don't play the perfect grandma. We don't have any other family close (as in emotionally close) that's a good one to throw back in my face when she's angry "well you and the children haven't got anyone else but us". She can be hurtful in anger - as can we all but can never acknowledge it or apologise for things she's said. It is quite a rough relationship with my mum. Throughout my first pregnancy she was vile to me, upset me all the time to tears and finally after 4 months I crossed her name off the birthing plan, she didn't care. I asked her why she acted like that and she said she had a bad year that's why she was horrible to me. Second pregnancy she was a bit better but moaned that I was different during pregnancy - apparently your not allowed to have any mood swings or anything in pregnancy. It's a bit of a she loves me but doesn't like me relationship

Anyway in the conversation I said how what my auntie said wasn't very nice. My mum said
"well had you done something to make her say it?"
I said "probably who knows?"
And she said "don't make me choose"

To me I would never say that to my daughter! Perhaps I'm missing something but if my daughter expressed something that had scarred her I would believe it. I will never tell anyone what she said so it's all a bit pointless thinking like this but to even consider choosing??

I would choose my daughter hands down to my sister. I know that sounds awful, I love my sister but my daughter would come first

I'm giving this space in my brain that I really shouldn't but I just wanted to see other people's views on it?

Your post sounds a little silly OP. I do not know what advice to even offer as it's just a bit like your making a mountain out of a mole hill. I sont get what the problem is. I too was a bad teen and would not hold it against my relatives if they said something about me in private conversation. Once a week for your mum to visit is alot mine has been to my home a handful of times (maybe 10 times) in 10 years. I don't hold it against her I know I can call/text or visit her. And she only lives about a 30 minute walk away!

My relationship with my sis is different from my relationship with my DCs.
I would speak about what you overheard your aunt say. I can't see what you gain by not repeating it. You were possibly an arsey teenager but she shouldn't be nasty. Open up about it to your DH and get a sensible view on it.
But it sounds like she is still unpleasant - there is no rule that you must be nice to relatives who are not nice people. And your DM sounds like she could be similar.

Ignore the daft comments on here - if someone comes on complaining about their horrible teen everyone piles in saying all teens are like that...........OP posts she was difficult teen and she is criticized as hardwork and demanding - double standards folks!!

You said you weren't a very nice person as a teenager - so you can't help that they had certain opinions on you back then

Your post sounds a little silly OP. I do not know what advice to even offer as it's just a bit like your making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Feel free to read ALL of OPs posts. Fucking hell.

OP, it sounds as though your childhood and teen years weren't the happiest. And you mention abuse.

You've been bottling this up for 15 years, perhaps you could find someone you trust (friend or counsellor) to confide in. Tell them everything, even your aunt's hurtful comments. By speaking out loud, it might help you get your thoughts clear and decide whether you feel you can have a healthy relationship with your family in the future, or if you might be better off to distance yourself.

Your mother and aunt are both apples which have fallen from the same tree. They are as bad as each other, and I reckon whatever your aunt said about you, I reckon your mother knows what it was.

If I were you I would take your little family and move far away.

I absolutely adore my dsis. But would choose my dcs over her or anyone else in the world without a second's hesitation.

Daughter however the back story is a little vague here. We have no idea what was said and what you were like/did. You may have given your mum problems in the past and her sister saw the results of that so has her opinion. Sounds like it has always been a fraught relationship - with time and grandchildren you would have thought it would have improved. You have to determine whether you want to continue to bother with it.

@terracottapot

Your mother and aunt are both apples which have fallen from the same tree. They are as bad as each other, and I reckon whatever your aunt said about you, I reckon your mother knows what it was.

If I were you I would take your little family and move far away.

I have to agree, I'm afraid.

From the OP's latest update I honestly don't know what to say about the mum. Nothing polite that's for sure.

I agree you need and deserve help. You sound emotionally stunted when it comes to your family.

Am sure you're a fantastic protective mother. When abuse happens and is brushed off it's detrimental to one's mental health. Am so sorry this happened to you but please talk to someone. Plus you can tell us anything

And btw I was an absolute pain in the arse whem I was a teen. But have matured in some ways

When*

KorkMum hope you never have anyone need any counselling from you. Now do one.

Ive heard relatives say bad things about me when i was a teenager. Right until the moment their kids were teenagers and behaved even worse than me. My mum says she was very hurt at the comments, but couldnt blame them, because i really was hard work at the time.
Looking back now, everything they said was true. Maybe they could have said it in a nicer more diplomatic way, but i did deserve the comments.
Teenagers can be terrible, so i think its a bit ott that you hold a grudge over something that happened such a long time ago.

It's not OTT at all. There's a whole lot going on here. We need to validate OP's feelings.

And I wonder why a teenager who was abused by their father and then told to "shut up and accept it" by the only person she felt safe enough to tell, her own mum. And now she discloses it on here and people are still coming on to minimise her feelings?? FFS. I honestly think some people on here are disgusting.

Her own mum...might be troubled*

Didn't finish my sentence there.

op. I'm so sorry for what happened to you, how your mum treated you and sorry for what this bunch of humans are saying to you on here.

She can be hurtful in anger - as can we all

Well no. No matter how angry I am, or how much I dislike an action, I will never, ever say anything hurtful to anyone. I will diss the action, but not the person if I love them.

My dc every single time.

I think you need to expand your support network ie friends, so you are not so emotionally dependent on your mum. She sounds toxic and that is not good for you or dc.

"The abuse was basically my dad, mum told me to shut up and accept it in a nutshell."

So it's not really a surprise that she thinks your Aunt has a reason for disliking you, is it?

She blames you.

Why do you have anything to do with her?

She told you to accept being abused by your dad!

OP, I know how hurtful comments can be as children when we overhear them, or read them.

Don't be ''Scarred for life'' though...
I once found a letter in a drawer while looking for something else, and caught my name on it...

It was from my stepmum's mother, and it said

''Is {my name} still being difficult? - at least you have {name} {my half sibling} who is SUCH a comfort to the family''

It was extremely hurtful, but one has to let these things go.
I was also told by stepmum as a child ''That it is very hard to love another woman's child'' &c&c.

I kept these comments on board, but have to let them go... they only hurt us if we cling to them.

Very few children have perfect childhoods, I'd not say you were ''hard work'', more like you still carry hurt from what you overheard.

You really should just let some things go, saying that you are scarred for life by some things that have been said in the past. It is because you are dwelling on lots of things, and making yourself unhappy.

Family are family, and there might always be a jumble of people in families, who all have different personalities,and some can come across as odd balls, and sometimes not perfect.

You just have to learn to live with some people, who may upset,or displease you.

wow @AtLastEarwax

So you confided that you were abused by your dad to you mum and she "told me to shut up and accept it in a nutshell. My sister wasn't abused though"

The one person whom you thought would help, keep you safe and you could trust enabled and ignored the abuse. Wow - please if you haven't already reach out to a counselling service and get some help.

Your mother is a vile person to say that to you and to shut up and accept it. You have been badly, badly let down. I would struggle to have a relationship with a person who treated you like this. You don't have to have contact with your 'mother' (I struggle with the term because although she birthed you she didn't mother you).

Reach out for help, ignore the horrible comments, some really cannot help themselves and appear to get a kick out of being nasty on here. Bullies behind a keyboard, they are not worth thinking about.

@AskingforaBaskin have you read the entire thread? At least OP's posts?

Your post is reprehensible. I really hope you never go through anything like what the op has, to then be greeted with your nasty, shitty, disgusting comment .