Would you choose your daughter or sister??

[AtLastEarwax]

Hi all,

Not sure where to put this but basically 15+ years ago (I was maybe 14/15) I overheard my auntie calling me some awful names to her (then) husband who called me names as well. I've never disclosed what she said to anyone, my hubby, mum etc I will take it to my grave but put it this way, it has scarred me for life.

Anyway in a convo to my mum. I said that my auntie doesn't like me, I know she doesn't because the things she said. The way she acts towards me and stuff. Just a lot of things over the years to do with jewellery, money etc

I wasn't a nice teenager, I am the black sheep so to say..

My mum can be quite selfish and she will never apologise or give a compliment. Whether it's my parenting or things I feel I've been successful at. If she says Thankyou it's within a sentence not direct. She visits every other family member apart from us. She plays this grandma who is here all the time. She's sees the kids once a week if that. My mum said that every other Wednesday she will come up to see us - we live just up a hill from them. I asked if it was a cover up as my grandma has been asking some demanding things of her, just so I knew to back my mums story up and she said no I will actually see you. Gobsmacked is an understatement, I really didn't know what to say. Do I feel she should visit more? Yes, don't play the perfect grandma. We don't have any other family close (as in emotionally close) that's a good one to throw back in my face when she's angry "well you and the children haven't got anyone else but us". She can be hurtful in anger - as can we all but can never acknowledge it or apologise for things she's said. It is quite a rough relationship with my mum. Throughout my first pregnancy she was vile to me, upset me all the time to tears and finally after 4 months I crossed her name off the birthing plan, she didn't care. I asked her why she acted like that and she said she had a bad year that's why she was horrible to me. Second pregnancy she was a bit better but moaned that I was different during pregnancy - apparently your not allowed to have any mood swings or anything in pregnancy. It's a bit of a she loves me but doesn't like me relationship

Anyway in the conversation I said how what my auntie said wasn't very nice. My mum said
"well had you done something to make her say it?"
I said "probably who knows?"
And she said "don't make me choose"

To me I would never say that to my daughter! Perhaps I'm missing something but if my daughter expressed something that had scarred her I would believe it. I will never tell anyone what she said so it's all a bit pointless thinking like this but to even consider choosing??

I would choose my daughter hands down to my sister. I know that sounds awful, I love my sister but my daughter would come first

I'm giving this space in my brain that I really shouldn't but I just wanted to see other people's views on it?

I have never been more offended in my life @SomeWateryTart

But I don't get where it says that OP wants her Mum to visit more. It reads to me as if OP has said don't play the doting Granny who makes out they are always here, when in reality you only see the kids once a week despite the fact we're local.

I think maybe you should reformulate this and post it in relationships. You are more likely to get balanced replies on there.
I found the post hard to understand too. I'm confused by the whole thing.

Your relationship with your DM doesn't sound great and to be honest, I think you'd be better off not encouraging her to visit more often as she probably makes you feel bad. If she visits once a fortnight on Wednesday that's good. Stick to that. Then you have boundaries in place so she can't get at you all the time.

Your mum doesn’t sound great, neither does your Aunt. I wouldn’t bother with any of them. I made the decision a few years ago (after something awful happened) not to make any effort with people who don’t add anything to my life. I don’t see my parents and life is so much better. When you realise that you don’t have to put up with this shit, it’s life changing.

My mum also never gave a compliment, said thank you or apologised ever to me throughout the 30 years I did have a relationship with her. She did to other people though, just not to me. I spent years trying to please her and keep in with her. I was wasting my time, she was the problem.

I wouldn't choose between my adult dd and sister unless one of them did something horrific to the other. If so and and I had to choose then it would be whoever is in the right but in all honesty I can't imagine a scenario where this would happen.

Your mum saying "don't make me choose" doesnt mean she wouldn't choose you just that she doesn't want to take sides.

If you were hard work as a teen then aunt may have had a point at that moment in time.

Seeing you once a week or once a fortnight is fine I don't see the drama there either. That is being an active part of childrens lives not "playing". You should make more time for friends but don't cancel on mother/grandmother that would be hurtful to you, her and the children.

@AtLastEarwax

The hard work comments have upset me a little bit put it into perspective nevertheless

Try to ignore them, OP. Unfortunately these days on here there’s always posters looking to criticise, almost no matter what you say. You’ve tried to explain the long-term patterns within your extended family, which isn’t easy.

So 15 years ago you were a horrible teenager (by your own words), and you overheard your aunt and ex-uncle saying something about you presumably regarding something you did? (which you also say it probably was). And now you expect your mum to do what? You won't tell her exactly what they said but you expect her to take your side?

No, she absolutely should not have to choose between her sister and daughter, especially given you won't tell her why! I could never choose between my sister and adult daughter over something that happened 15 years ago that I don't even know the full details of!

I'm sorry you feel scarred by what she said, but without knowing what was said, it's not even possible to say if your aunt was unreasonable in saying what she did, she may have been justified. Even if you feel she wasn't.

I would chose my daughter, because I am there to look out for her - that's my role I feel.
But saying that, my sister is the one I go to if I need to offload and she always looks out for me. If I had some bad news it is her (and she me) that I would talk to first. The relationships between daughter and sister are completely different so in someways it is hard to chose.

I too hate all the 'you sound like hard work' comments. They are beyond pathetic and really of no help to the op. That being said you said yourself you were a difficult teenager so if you were called you a brat, waste of space or that you wouldn't amount to much then that can be explained by your behaviour ( just examples of what could have been said). For context my cousin have my auntie a lot of grief as a teenager and my mum said some choice words about him then. They get on really well now and he openly admits he was a 'shitty' teenager.

I am not sure what she could have said that has mentally scarred you but if you have reduced contact with her fair enough. Do not give this headspace and focus on your own little family. Your mother doesn't have to change her relationship with her sister to suit you. That is a separate relationship that predates yours. I have a great relationship with my mil but still only see her once a week, not sure why you would want to see your mum more than that. Presumably she has her own life to lead too?

To answer your original question I would always choose my dd over any of my siblings but if they called out naughty behaviour for being exactly that I wouldn't cut contact with them.

I’m really struggling to follow what you’re after, OP.

You say you were an awful teen. You say that 15 years ago your aunt and uncle said nasty things about you and you overheard them.
Why is that relevant now?

You say your mum visits weekly - which is a lot for most families. But she’s “playing” at being a grandmother?

That only now you mention to her that your aunt was rude about you when you were a teen. What on earth for?

I’m missing the point somewhere.

Might be good for both of you to loosen those apron strings a little.

@AtLastEarwax, to hide the thread, you click on the arrow at the top right of the screen, (this is on a phone btw). There is an option there which is "hide this thread" and voila! It disappears from your Threads I'm On etc.

You can name change or not and then go to the relationships board and try again.

If you want this whole thread deleted, you have to speak to MNHQ, but generally they don't like deleting threads without a really good reason, so I would just hide it and move on .

It depends on what the aunt said. If she said it because you were being horrible at the time then it make sense. Is she continuing to be horrible to you?

If your mum doesn’t know what she said then how can she be on your side.

Also, to me once a week visiting is more than enough contact. Some have grandparents hrs away.

@SomeWateryTart

'Family' is an overrated concept when your family aren't actually nice to you.

A thousand times this^^.

And again, this ^

I have family members who have treated my like shit and never apologised and now I don’t see them.
My life is better for it.

@Tappering

Exactly that I'm not asking for more it's the imagine she portrays and her actions

Well you were a witch at 15 your uncle and aunt called you out on it in a private conversation which you overheard. Get over it.

Your mum calls once a week. Well as a grandma I share my time between different grand children would hate to think that anyone felt ignored because I am so careful to play even stevens. Some grandchildren have not seen their grandparents for months, you are a bit precious.

@SomeWateryTart
my sister is one of those childless people whose hypothetical young children would be perfect poppets who were faultlessly polite all the time wink

Jo Frost has made a tidy buck being exactly one of these type of people you mention, and who can see with clarity where parents go wrong. Objectivity can’t be such a bad thing?

I found it very easy to follow. I think if you’ve had a similar, difficult relationship with your mum then there’s a few things in the post that stand out and I can also read between the lines. Its very difficult to put into words a long difficult relationship when the other person sometimes acts normal and there’s times when things are ok.
You don’t sound hard work OP. Ignore those comments.

I get what you mean OP. She comes once a week (which is regular and probably more than normal), but she does so to appear like an interested and doting grandma, when in reality your relationship is fraught, and visits are not pleasant?
It must have been horrible to hear what your aunty said, especially at 14/15. Do you feel that your mum probably feels the same, but doesn’t voice it, and by her saying ‘don’t make me choose’ it just affirms that you are the unlikeable black sheep?
Sounds like a toxic family set up, and one that has probably dented your self-esteem.
In this situation I would probably ask for visits to be fortnightly at the most. It doesn’t sound like they are pleasant, and space is needed with relationships like these.
Accepting dysfunctional family relationships is difficult, especially when it comes to parent and child, and the obvious dislike from a parent can be soul destroying. Focus on your little family and other support networks and relationships.

Look you were going through a tough patch as a teen. Your aunt responded to that. She seems to be taking the leopard can't change its spots approach with you.

Your mum has had issues with you, they were around in your first pregnancy, but she obviously loves her grandchildren to pop around at least once a week to see them, that is quite involved as a grandma.

Your mum seems to love you otherwise there wouldn't be a choice to be made, but maybe whilst you were going through the tough patch she didn't get support from her mum but did from her sister?
I would let it go. Make the best of the relationship you do have with your mum and let that grow, rather than fall out with her trying to chase a relationship you don't have.
Learn from the mistakes you feel your mum made to make better choices as a parent and as your kids get older you may get a glimpse of why she made the choices she did.

Ignore the ‘hard work’ comments from other posters. I think some of them literally hang around waiting to pounce on threads declaring ‘hard work’

I have family members who have treated my like shit and never apologised and now I don’t see them.

Same, except I have just reduced contact. It is the lack if apology which hurt me so much and now just makes me annoyed when I think about it. I don't tolerate this any more at all 💪.

I think you need to back off from family they are not helping you. Stick to friends for encouragement. You cannot choose your family after all.

Tappering the OP said
Do I feel she should visit more? Yes, don't play the perfect grandma.

You seem to hold on to conversations for years here, OP. Grudges are listed and remembered, which only makes you unhappy. You'd be happier if you analysed conversations a lot less, and reduced the drama in general.

Have you got a martyr mother? One who tells the bank queue and entire supermarket how often she helps you out, visits etc... And the reality she comes over once a week, inspects your home for dust, plonks herself on the sofa, is served tea and cake and tells you all about her busy life. Doesn't ask about you or the children let alone play lego with them. Then goes home having completed her motherly duties?

It is OK to have a family whom you don't adore. Try to make it do-able for you and have no expectations.