Would you choose your daughter or sister??

[AtLastEarwax]

Hi all,

Not sure where to put this but basically 15+ years ago (I was maybe 14/15) I overheard my auntie calling me some awful names to her (then) husband who called me names as well. I've never disclosed what she said to anyone, my hubby, mum etc I will take it to my grave but put it this way, it has scarred me for life.

Anyway in a convo to my mum. I said that my auntie doesn't like me, I know she doesn't because the things she said. The way she acts towards me and stuff. Just a lot of things over the years to do with jewellery, money etc

I wasn't a nice teenager, I am the black sheep so to say..

My mum can be quite selfish and she will never apologise or give a compliment. Whether it's my parenting or things I feel I've been successful at. If she says Thankyou it's within a sentence not direct. She visits every other family member apart from us. She plays this grandma who is here all the time. She's sees the kids once a week if that. My mum said that every other Wednesday she will come up to see us - we live just up a hill from them. I asked if it was a cover up as my grandma has been asking some demanding things of her, just so I knew to back my mums story up and she said no I will actually see you. Gobsmacked is an understatement, I really didn't know what to say. Do I feel she should visit more? Yes, don't play the perfect grandma. We don't have any other family close (as in emotionally close) that's a good one to throw back in my face when she's angry "well you and the children haven't got anyone else but us". She can be hurtful in anger - as can we all but can never acknowledge it or apologise for things she's said. It is quite a rough relationship with my mum. Throughout my first pregnancy she was vile to me, upset me all the time to tears and finally after 4 months I crossed her name off the birthing plan, she didn't care. I asked her why she acted like that and she said she had a bad year that's why she was horrible to me. Second pregnancy she was a bit better but moaned that I was different during pregnancy - apparently your not allowed to have any mood swings or anything in pregnancy. It's a bit of a she loves me but doesn't like me relationship

Anyway in the conversation I said how what my auntie said wasn't very nice. My mum said
"well had you done something to make her say it?"
I said "probably who knows?"
And she said "don't make me choose"

To me I would never say that to my daughter! Perhaps I'm missing something but if my daughter expressed something that had scarred her I would believe it. I will never tell anyone what she said so it's all a bit pointless thinking like this but to even consider choosing??

I would choose my daughter hands down to my sister. I know that sounds awful, I love my sister but my daughter would come first

I'm giving this space in my brain that I really shouldn't but I just wanted to see other people's views on it?

I would need to know what the aunty said and what prompted her to say it.
I always think that there’s three sides to every story. Your side, her side, and the truth, which is often somewhere in the middle.

As someone who lost their mum young I would advise you to draw a line under what went on, and try to enjoy her while you’ve still got her. Try and make good memories for your children.

OP - have a look at the stately home thread in relationships which is about toxic parents.

@popcornlover, the supernanny, my sister ain't. Laughing aloud at the idea. I won't go into detail, but you get my point.

I also get yours and I will gladly take advice from people like my MIL, my FIL, friends etc and of course from a professional. But this sister is not those people and her advice and correction directed at my dcs is not and never will be welcome. It's a long story.

My mum also died young btw. I would advise you to work on this as much as possible, but if the relationship is truly toxic, I would advise you not to put up with it, regardless of how many posters come on here saying "you only get one mum and mine is dead".

I think you are conflating issues.

I agree with other that it’s impossible to know if your aunt was justified in criticism of you years ago. It’s sounds like she was and that her comments were made in private to her husband. There might be issues that need working out, but what happened then is no reason to instigate a family rift.

I might not use your mothers words but the sentiment, not being made to choose, is the right one. In truth I would be uncomfortable with someone who brought this matter up in this way years later. What where you trying to achieve.

Other pps are right you don’t have to accept the relationship your mother is offering. That’s something for you to examine and decide for yourself. There’s no reason to throw your aunt and sister into that mix. They aren’t the root of your problems with your mother. Even if she has let your sister down.

Basically don’t use your sister or your aunt as the motivations and sticks with which to beat your mother. You have your own grievances.

As someone who lost their mum young I would advise you to draw a line under what went on, and try to enjoy her while you’ve still got her. Try and make good memories for your children.

I’m sorry you lost your mum.

But that can be really bad advice. I was told this by someone and it added to the problem. It’s unfair to put the pressure of keeping a relationship on the person who is being treated badly. My children are better off without the crap my mum brought to me and indirectly to them.

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

As someone who lost their mum young I would advise you to draw a line under what went on, and try to enjoy her while you’ve still got her. Try and make good memories for your children.

I’m sorry you lost your mum.

But that can be really bad advice. I was told this by someone and it added to the problem. It’s unfair to put the pressure of keeping a relationship on the person who is being treated badly. My children are better off without the crap my mum brought to me and indirectly to them.

Everyone has their own opinion. You have yours and I have mine.

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

As someone who lost their mum young I would advise you to draw a line under what went on, and try to enjoy her while you’ve still got her. Try and make good memories for your children.

I’m sorry you lost your mum.

But that can be really bad advice. I was told this by someone and it added to the problem. It’s unfair to put the pressure of keeping a relationship on the person who is being treated badly. My children are better off without the crap my mum brought to me and indirectly to them.

YY^^

I just want to add one thing. I want to be accepted by my mum, I want her approval and pride in me. If she hasn't got it by the time I'm 32 though she's never going to get it so I might as well be shitty old me 😬

I can't tell if you think your DM shouldn't have felt you were asking her to choose because you weren't.
Or if you think she shouldn't have felt it was a choice because she should have chosen you, her DD?
Fwiw I have some family members who are always causing drama and asking people to choose sides. If I felt a conversation was going in that direction, I'd clearly say 'I'm not going to choose'. Perhaps your DM has relatives like that too.

You don’t need her approval, you’re an adult. I played this game too and I went no contact with my dad last year because I realised I was too old to be playing the pick me dance anymore. You need to break that pattern of thinking. Parents are just people, and some of them are shit people and we need to stop putting them on pedestal.

If I were going to save my child's life or my sister's life I would choose my child's. If I were going to choose someone in an argument, I would choose the one who was right. I think you sound difficult, OP.

You might be better off asking for this to be moved to Relationships, @AtLastEarwax. People come to AIBU to trash posters.

OP, I couldn't quite determine your exact question but got the jist of it.

What stands out for me is that you cba to talk about abuse that you say happened in your family. I suspect that maybe you need to stop brushing this under the carpet and assess how it has impacted your relationships within your family.

I second posting in the Stately Homes thread. Your mum sounds like she is quite cold so if you come across as a bit 'demanding' or 'needy' -- it's probably because you are needy, because you are not getting the love or support you want from a mum (despite her posing as perfect Grandma).

My advice would be step away from Mum/Auntie for a while
Maybe have some counselling about the abuse and your relationship with your family
In the meantime, talk to posters on the Stately Home thread.

Good luck.

I think you need to talk about what your aunt said with someone, whether it's a friend, partner, counsellor. It's clearly had a huge impact on your life and your relationship with your family, but you say you'll take the secret to your grave? You're damaging yourself if you do that. How can you move on, or work out what to do about your mother, if this has been festering away inside your head for 15 year? Talk to someone. Anyone.

@ChicCroissant

Tappering the OP said Do I feel she should visit more? Yes, don't play the perfect grandma.

You seem to hold on to conversations for years here, OP. Grudges are listed and remembered, which only makes you unhappy. You'd be happier if you analysed conversations a lot less, and reduced the drama in general.

I think this. Your mother doesn’t sound like the best. But you will not change her. You can only change yourself and your reactions.

The only person you’re hurting by reliving the conversations with her and what you heard your aunt say is yourself. And whilst you’re doing this, you’re not spending time enjoying your dd. So you’re hurting her too.

I know it’s hard, but try to turn the love and attention onto yourself and your little family. Your mother is never going to give you what you’re Looking for and you need to give yourself the right to let it go. Not only that, you need to seek and give yourself what you’re looking for too. Ie be your own mother.

Ignore the ‘hard work’ comments from other posters. I think some of them literally hang around waiting to pounce on threads declaring ‘hard work’
This! (seriously, "hard work" mafia, we see you... and it doesn't reflect well on you, am afraid)

OP, sounds like you have a lot on your mind, and the relationship with your family is complex and painful. I wish you good luck.
This kind of things is hard to untangle.

Your mum suggesting she may choose her sister over you isn't exactly motherly. Sounds like there's complex history between the both of you, but still disappointing and painful for you to hear, I'm sure (all kids crave unconditional love, even/especially kids who are hard to love. And every parent should know that)
Only you know exactly the whole background (and if maybe what your aunt and mum said was a bit deserved, or just completely unfair. In either case, I'm sorry your feelings got hurt)

I want to take it to my grave as I don't want anyone to know as that might cause trouble. I confided one my mum as to what happened but refused to go into great detail

The abuse was basically my dad, mum told me to shut up and accept it in a nutshell. My sister wasn't abused though

@Lightyearspast

I think you need to talk about what your aunt said with someone, whether it's a friend, partner, counsellor. It's clearly had a huge impact on your life and your relationship with your family, but you say you'll take the secret to your grave? You're damaging yourself if you do that. How can you move on, or work out what to do about your mother, if this has been festering away inside your head for 15 year? Talk to someone. Anyone.

This...absolutely this. Otherwise you are letting those words have some kind of prophetic power over your life.

@AtLastEarwax

I want to take it to my grave as I don't want anyone to know as that might cause trouble. I confided one my mum as to what happened but refused to go into great detail

The abuse was basically my dad, mum told me to shut up and accept it in a nutshell. My sister wasn't abused though

I'm so sorry to hear this op. That is beyond heartbreaking. Do you think you could talk about it to a counsellor? Someone who doesn't know you or your family?

@AtLastEarwax you shouldn't revert to the shitty old you. You grow onwards and upwards and let her catch up if she wants. You have your own children they are your focus, make sure they know they are your number one. Grow your family in love acceptance and enjoying each other. At 32 it's you who needs to choose holding on to the person they have made you or shape your life into something better and stronger

@AtLastEarwax

I want to take it to my grave as I don't want anyone to know as that might cause trouble. I confided one my mum as to what happened but refused to go into great detail

The abuse was basically my dad, mum told me to shut up and accept it in a nutshell. My sister wasn't abused though

I think you really need some help with this, as previously said some kind of therapy. In the nicest possible way nothing anyone will say on this thread will help you get past this and could even be more damaging - you need to speak to professionals.

@Feralkidsatthecampsite

Too much detail tbh but I bet most people have something awful about a teen relative!! In time I bet you will too!!. Obviously you weren't meant to hear but being scarred for life is a bit ott.

it probably isn't as bad as some of the things stepfather used to call me when i was 11 /12.to the point ss were involved, it hasn't scarred me for life. but having said that everyone is different.

It reads to me as if OP has said don't play the doting Granny who makes out they are always here, when in reality you only see the kids once a week despite the fact we're local.

Maybe it’s a matter of differing perspectives and expectations? I would view seeing grandkids once a week as being heavily involved and would think that’s a valid claim for a grandparent to make in that situation. How often does she have to visit to claim to be involved?

As for the stuff with the aunt, it’s too hard to say without detail. Maybe OP was a complete and utter cunt to her aunt and then overheard her aunt telling her uncle exactly what she thought of her and she didn’t like hearing it? Maybe it was valid. Or, maybe the OP gave no cause for the aunt to say whatever she said and the aunt is a utter cunt. We have absolutely no idea.