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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be in a bad mood because of food?!

187 replies

MoiraRoseIsMyQueen · 01/08/2020 10:11

So, staying with the in-laws (a bit of a trial in itself), and I’m feeling really grumpy this morning (although smiling and being happy outwardly). I always feel this way when I’m here, and having thought about it a lot, I think it’s to do with not being able to eat what and when I want. Which I know sounds ridiculous, but I really struggle with having to eat the food I’m given by MIL - which is okay, not always delicious, and not what I’d choose to eat, but fine - and not being able to control what I’m eating. I’m finding myself getting anxious already about lunch and dinner, what we’ll eat, what it will be, etched Confused I don’t have food issues otherwise, so AIBU to let this get to me?!

OP posts:
Crankley · 01/08/2020 14:40

but I would be quite offended if a guest brought their own food

I am an extremely fussy eater, the list of things I won't eat is several times longer than the list of things I do eat. My family and friends are obviously aware of this so if I go to them for dinner, they will tell me what they are planning to cook, if it's on my eat list, then happily turn up; if not I take my own meal. None of them have ever expressed offence - I think they are quite relieved.

GeorgiaWeLoveYou · 01/08/2020 14:49

I'm with you OP. I couldn't do it, not for more than a day.

I like to choose what I eat and have a say. What you describe is like one of those residential trips that secondary school children go on or some kind of bootcamp where you go to dinner and are served whatever has been cooked.

Saying that though, your MIL is obviously kind and has good intentions because she's taking all that time and effort to prepare all these meals and be the host.

I think what I would do if I was you is 'develop' some kind of eating restriction/allergy or food reactions (as a pp has mentioned) so that in future, you can have an input into both the meal planning and the preparation.

SecretWitch · 01/08/2020 14:51

I get this. Some of my in laws keep kosher. My husband and I happily pile bacon on our cheeseburgers. When we visit we always take snacks in our overnight bags. Kosher food tastes so bland to me, I need something hot and spicy afterward.

Thecazelets · 01/08/2020 14:53

Reading this is so interesting. I am the same. I plan and cook all the meals at home and find it quite stressful eating things I haven't made or not being in control of what and when I eat. My mother and MIL were both dreadful cooks and both DH and I started cooking for ourselves at an early age. As they've got older both MIL and my mother tend to stick to pre-prepared or ready meals when we visit, which is a blessed relief.

I think I'm a fairly competent cook but reading all this has made me much more sympathetic to the possible plight of others at my table, and particularly my teenage dd, who is fussier than other members of the family.

Bbang · 01/08/2020 14:54

I was like this with my ex and his family and it was genuinely awful, the food was really odd choices and always meat heavy despite me being veggie at the time and at weird times so lunch wouldn’t be until 3pm despite having had breakfast at 8am 🤔 with my current in-laws it’s absolutely fine, they cook Cantonese food mainly but it’s delicious at normal times and I know it’s open house on the kitchen and I can get what I want whenever.

User647647 · 01/08/2020 14:56

How long are you planning to stay?

When we would visit my brother in law for the weekend, I made up that I had a special diet and would cook my own food.

Hardbackwriter · 01/08/2020 14:59

I really like my ILs but I do find food a stressful part of seeing them. MIL says she 'used to have' anorexia - she never had any treatment so I think she means that she's now (just about) not underweight, but I don't think anyone would say she's mentally recovered. I don't think FIL is at all helpful as he goes on constantly and with huge pride about her thinness. DH and I are both at the top end of the normal BMI range, which to her is very fat and I know she finds it very distressing that we're so huge (she tries quite hard to hide this and I have sympathy since it's so clearly outside her control).

Their meals are tiny, incredibly abstemious and normally only twice a day. I do cook quite often when we stay, which is better because then we get a filling meal, but does then come with the same ten minute discussion of how impossibly rich it is and how little of it MIL could possibly eat every time - even if I've made, say, a stir-fry or a vegetable stew - which I find a bit tiresome.

It has got better over the years though - I care less about the comments about what I'm eating, I take secret snacks and now we're used to eating with toddler DS at 6pm so I don't find eating at 5pm (which I used to consider the middle of the afternoon - I think 8pm is a civilized time for adults to eat) and then not again until 10 the next morning so hard. I also feel more able to say 'I'm still hungry so I'm having a banana - does anyone else want one?' and to grit my teeth when MIL goes on a diatribe about how she could never eat a whole banana in response.

OutOfHours · 01/08/2020 15:07

Can you go for a 'walk' and find the nearest chippy? Order from deliveroo etc.

Tappering · 01/08/2020 15:07

Yes. I never stay in other people's houses though, including relatives. It makes me feel trapped and claustrophobic; I like being able to wake up, go to bed and use the bathroom when I want, without having to adhere to someone else's house rules. I always drive when I am doing family visits as I find it reassuring to know that I can get in my car and leave if/when I need to, without having to depend on someone else.

But eating round at relatives houses... I'm vegan so it's already difficult and TBH I'd rather that someone didn't attempt something they've not cooked before. I normally ask for a salad with hummus, and then eat properly later - which is another good reason for having the car!

OutOfHours · 01/08/2020 15:09

Sorry OP, RTFT see your in the middle of nowhere.

Can you offer to cook and take a drive to the nearest shop and get some snacks while your there too?

FortyFiedWine · 01/08/2020 15:11

@Crankley

but I would be quite offended if a guest brought their own food

I am an extremely fussy eater, the list of things I won't eat is several times longer than the list of things I do eat. My family and friends are obviously aware of this so if I go to them for dinner, they will tell me what they are planning to cook, if it's on my eat list, then happily turn up; if not I take my own meal. None of them have ever expressed offence - I think they are quite relieved.

Well, no, I wouldn't be offended in the scenario you describe. Extremely fussy eating is the exception not the norm! But if a guest brought their own food just in case they "didn't fancy" what I cooked, then I'd think them rude. That's what the OP's describing, I think.
princesshollysmagicalwand · 01/08/2020 15:11

I used to have this when staying at my ex's parents. On a Sunday, no one had breakfast, because his mother insisted they all save space for her 'magnificent Sunday roast'. The only magnificent thing was how she managed to horribly over cook and dry out whatever the meat was, serve only with a drop of lumpy bisto (with no more to add, all dished up by her in the kitchen and you got what she gave you!) and overcook the veg.

Now I'd sit and pick at a bit to be polite and eat what I could, because I am polite. But because of the 'no breakfast on Sundays' thing I used to be so so hungry and it was gross. I used to get the now ex to take me out for a 'walk' in the morning so I could get something to eat even if it was a prepackaged sandwich from somewhere....and he used to tell me not to be so greedy and fussy about his mums food.

One of the many reasons he's now an ex!!!

monkeyonthetable · 01/08/2020 15:12

Take some snacks you really love. Not just sugar - something with substance - some nuts, fruit, olives, oatcakes, crackers etc. That way you get to feel more in control.

ChavvySexPond · 01/08/2020 15:13

I totally get this. And the driving thing. And I have no childhood food issues.

My in-laws eat very differently to us. At different times of the day and staying there always puts us all out of sorts.

And you're not allowed to ask what we're having. MIL gets offended at "being interrogated."

We don't eat meat, or breakfast. They like to have a giant breakfast fry up, half a sandwich, a tiny lunch, then an early dinner at 5. In normal times 5 o clock is still part of the working day for us and we have the journey home and then the cooking to do so eat between 7-7.30. They have supper at 8.30. We don't eat after 8.

We try to go with it (apart from the meat) but it puts everyone's rhythm out of sync and my husband is grumpy with a disrupted poo schedule.

They're weird about that too. Hmm "Again?!" It's not unusual to poo every day is it? And when there are 5 of you and one loo it can take a while. Grin"I don't know how you people ever GO anywhere!. Such a waste of the day." >jangles car keys, taps foot, sighs

Marmite27 · 01/08/2020 15:16

I have this with other relatives, and I bring snacks. How do you feel about mug shots / soup and porridge pots? Think stuff you can make with boiling water. Crisps, crackers, nuts etc. I don’t always need them, but I feel better knowing it’s there.

Hidingtonothing · 01/08/2020 15:19

I love MIL's food (she's a great cook) but always felt like this when they lived a long way away and we visited for a few days. It was definitely the lack of control for me because it extended to having my days organised for me, not being able to take our own car etc, all of it stressed me out. Very glad they now live 20 minutes away so no more extended visits! But yes OP, snacks in your room and the odd headache to buy yourself some alone time will help enormously Smile

rebecca102 · 01/08/2020 15:29

Could you maybe offer to cook sometimes or make things for them at meal times that you like?

Happynow001 · 01/08/2020 15:42

@Hotwaterbottlelove

My sister experiences this at her in laws. She takes a bag of snacks with her. Nuts and fruit etc. So that she has some feeling of control. Often she doesn't end up needing the snacks, it's just the having them there that helps. Because it isn't that the in-laws don't give enough, it's just that she never knows what or when it will be.

If I'm away from home for more than a few hours I always ensure I have something I can eat in a Tupperware box - especially very early in the morning (2-3am-ish) when I wake up. So fruit scones, oatcakes, babybel cheese in a small coolbag, various nuts or nut bars - even little cartons of coconut water). That just takes the pressure off me then and not have to prowl other people's kitchens or, if at a hotel/B&B) having to wait for the official time hours later to eat when I'm really hungry..

CountreeGurl · 01/08/2020 15:43

Stash some food in your suitcase

Iwantalonglie · 01/08/2020 15:44

Yes. I get this. They all get up late and don't really do breakfast or lunch. The first meal of the day usually appears around 4pm (there might be a slice of toast before that if you can find it).

I get up early with the toddler and am so starving I could almost eat him by 9am. I take his breakfast and plenty of snacks with us so I don't have to deal with a grumpy child on top of semi-starvation. It's got better for him since they looked after him alone for a weekend, though Grin. Apparently, they're not keen on hungry, grumpy children either! No food for me though Sad.

GameSetMatch · 01/08/2020 16:02

Go and get yourself a few things to keep in your room, I know how you feel and sympathise with you. My MIL gave me a potato once literally nothing else just a massive potato, I was so mad and hungry I couldn’t hide the fact I was mad! I’m a vegetarian I offered to bring my own food but she said she had something sorted. (It was my birthday too) now i take my own things to eat I just tell her I don’t even ask.

I feel really sorry for you! Go and get something to eat when you feel like you want to there’s no point being mad and hungry!

CodenameVillanelle · 01/08/2020 16:04

@princesshollysmagicalwand

I used to have this when staying at my ex's parents. On a Sunday, no one had breakfast, because his mother insisted they all save space for her 'magnificent Sunday roast'. The only magnificent thing was how she managed to horribly over cook and dry out whatever the meat was, serve only with a drop of lumpy bisto (with no more to add, all dished up by her in the kitchen and you got what she gave you!) and overcook the veg.

Now I'd sit and pick at a bit to be polite and eat what I could, because I am polite. But because of the 'no breakfast on Sundays' thing I used to be so so hungry and it was gross. I used to get the now ex to take me out for a 'walk' in the morning so I could get something to eat even if it was a prepackaged sandwich from somewhere....and he used to tell me not to be so greedy and fussy about his mums food.

One of the many reasons he's now an ex!!!

There is nothing enjoyable about getting insanely hungry then eating a huge meal, even if it is delicious food! I don't understand why people think it is.
DuvetDay1212 · 01/08/2020 16:15

I remember struggling with this as a child. I would stay at friends houses and feel hungry but found it hard to ask for anything. I hated sleepovers as I'd feel hungry a lot of the time.

Luckily, my DH is a gannet like me so he'll make us some extra food if we get hungry at his family's houses and we bring a bag of snacks. They usually feed us pretty well, apart from one set who fed themselves loads and us hardly anything. They have form for not feeding their guests properly and are very tight. When we have guests I always make way too much food as I hate the thought of anyone leaving hungry! But I don't force it on them obv and cater to people's likes.

roarfeckingroarr · 01/08/2020 16:17

I find all of this pretty strange.

Moonshinemisses · 01/08/2020 16:30

You could just say 'Mil I'm a really fussy bugger when it come to food so dont worry about cooking for me I'll bring some food with me &,how about we go out for lunch & get a take away. our treat'.