To be in a bad mood because of food?!

[MoiraRoseIsMyQueen]

So, staying with the in-laws (a bit of a trial in itself), and I’m feeling really grumpy this morning (although smiling and being happy outwardly). I always feel this way when I’m here, and having thought about it a lot, I think it’s to do with not being able to eat what and when I want. Which I know sounds ridiculous, but I really struggle with having to eat the food I’m given by MIL - which is okay, not always delicious, and not what I’d choose to eat, but fine - and not being able to control what I’m eating. I’m finding myself getting anxious already about lunch and dinner, what we’ll eat, what it will be, etched I don’t have food issues otherwise, so AIBU to let this get to me?!

@EmbarrassingAdmissions that is just not how the dynamic is with MIL, she would find it very odd if we told her we were bringing our own food/meals. She very much sees it as her role to look after us when we stay, and I have to say my parents are the same - although it’s a lot more relaxed at their house!

What kind of things do they serve and what do you like to eat?

Yes, I used to get like this too, I soon learnt to take my own food and booze. We offer to go out and buy fish and chips for everyone so no cooking involved. Also, dds have their drinks and snacks. Mil does discuss what’s being made for dinner, it usually has a yellow sticker on it and has been bought for 10p.

I always keep some secret snacks in my suitcase/bag in my room when I stay with other people. Some women are such competitive under eaters when other people are around, it's ridiculous.

Yes I think you need to tell us about the differences .

Rosiethehen has just described my visits to my late GPs and husband's late GPs (so 1990s). Actual meals provided were like a badly run 1940s ration restaurant (very cabbage centric) and when I wanted to take them out to dinner for a change and a rest (for my stomach) they chose Happy Eater

I used to feel like this at MIL's because she cooked very small portions. A small potato would be cut into 4 and you'd get 2-3 of those pieces roasted, plus about 50g of meat and lots of veg. The men got double this . Then there was endless cake afterwards which is just the wrong way round.

When my DD got older, I knew I had to say something as she was also getting "weemin" portions and as a slim, rapidly growing teen needed much more. What happened was unplanned but one day my husband looked at his plate and ours, and started spooning food off his plate onto our plates. MIL was horrified and amazingly things improved a bit after that.

It's competitive women eating basically. It's annoying as I treat guests like queens in comparison and would die if they went home hungry.

When we go to my mil's she is always sweet and welcoming. Their mealtimes are way put of whack with ours though. For instance they tend not to be up before 11 so breakfast for them is at 12 whereas I am up at 6am with the kids so I am ready for lunch between 12-1pm and dinner at 6pm. If we go over for dinner it is usually not served before 8 or 9pm so I eat a snack before I go. They eat a lot of sweet stuff between meals whereas I prefer to have a dessert after dinner but not all the time. We go over once a week and i am comfortable enough to help myself to fruit or make myself a tea. I am used to it know. To be fair they do not complain when they come to ours and have dinner earlier than they normally would.

In your case you do sound like you have some food issues around control. I would have a stash in your room to keep you going. As for not liking everything they cook, that is normal but if you are going for a short time I would suck it up. My mil is a good cook but I enjoy my own cooked food more.

• now not know

Crikey MIL and the late FIL have/had a strange relationship with food. Both remembered having not enough as children but rather than adopt a "never going there again attitude" scrimped and stinged and all their 3 DC remember being hungry and none remember their favourite dinners. Made worse because MIL wasn't the least bit interested in cooking. What's odd is that they really loved good food when it was put in front of them and were really very greedy. In their retirement they are M&S ready meals.

Anyway, I digress. What do they serve op and do they have rigid issues with food or is this largely your problem?

I'd be heartbroken if family felt like that when visiting us. With MIL and FIL breakfast was free range and she had to sort his because there was ludicrous inflexibility: OJ with bits, Muesli with extra Sun Pat raisins and the top of the milk, a Braeburn apple, wholemeal toast with medium shred marmalade, pot of tea - two bags of chimps. And God help if it was the wrong raisins or not a Braeburn. They also weren't fussy but FIL didn't like/eat: mushrooms, chicken, pasta, garlic, or cruciferous vegetables. I once made his lunch a cheese sandwich with two picked onions on the side - just one slice buttered. I was ticked off for putting the cheese slices in vertically - he liked them horizontal. After that they always had lunch at a cafe as part of their walks.

Usual meals they were served: chilli con, casseroles, fish pie, chops, roasts, baked gammon - all v traditional. MIL had never made a meat pie or pudding.

We rarely eat lunch together as a family. We are usually all busy but the fridge is free range and help yourself: cold meat, cheese, salad, crackers, soup, bread, etc.

Weekend breakfasts, I do tend to make bacon sarnies and variations.

Both DC are grown up. DS has a serious girlfriend who is pescataria. So far I have offered: salmon fillets, pan fried trout, when we have had a barbecue, halloumi, ratatouille (when we have had lamb chops with which it goes), mezze type meals with tsatziki, vine leaves, skewered kebabs, nice salads, halloumi, etc.

I really hope their partners will never fell like you OP. Actually I think the DC would tell me.

@OhTheRoses I know it's off topic but what are chimps that your FIL has with breakfast?

she once served duck curry which was random chunks of duck in a curry, unrendered fat still on the skin, bone and gristle, made me heave.

Oh god! That made me heave just thinking about it...

I get this too.
I don't like not being in control of when I can eat. My family members, aunts and cousins, are all big faffers when it comes to cooking and eating which means you can be waiting for hours after the announced meal times. Eg. evening meal will be at 6.30 pm. They start cooking at 7pm - the faffing means you sit down to eat at 9pm. It's far too late for me and when I get past a certain point of being hungry I can't eat anything anyway.
I get round the problem by taking a secret stash of food with me and snacking on it between meals.
I'm sorry but I just cannot go from 1 pm to 9 pm with nothing to eat.

I hike a lot and most of the time I go on my own because I really don't like being in a group and not being in control of when I can eat. I can hike for miles and miles on my own and there's no problem but when I'm with others I often end up exhausted and my stamina runs out really fast and it's all down to the eating.

I know I sound like I have massive control and food issues here.. but it's the way I am.

When people come to stay I check for preferences and make sure meals are something everyone will be able to eat. but I would be quite offended if a guest brought their own food. I would think it very rude indeed. Unless they're deliberately providing food you don't like, or providing so little that you're seriously hungry, can't you just get on with it for a couple of days?

@Savoury "chimps" means PG Tips. There were iconic ads of chimpanzees dressed as humans making tea and living out little sketches In the 60s and 70s. Part of our childhood. Totally inappropriate now, for all sorts of reasons, but lots of people my age 60 refer to PG Tips as "Chimps".

[quote Savoury]@OhTheRoses I know it's off topic but what are chimps that your FIL has with breakfast?[/quote]
I’m guessing PG Tips tea bags but I’m probably wrong 😂

I'm exactly the same in my in laws. I found having bars of chocolate and nuts in my bag in my room made things bearable. I always bring a small stash of food. Also I offer to buy a takeaway one of the nights as well

Really should refresh the page before I post😂

Dean Burnett says your brain is happiest when you have control, so the food being out of your control is making you unhappy. So the solution would be to find ways to add in some more control, e.g. offering to cook, buy everyone your choice of dinner, picnic/buffet teas, serving family style where you all serve yourselves instead of having it plated up for you or choose your own snacks or something.

You’re hangry, I regularly have hanger too.

Yes - I really don't like staying with other people for many reasons, but lack of control over mealtime size and content is a big factor.

I like to eat reasonably early - before 7 in preference unless going out - and find it very difficult when at others houses to know when the food is going to arrive. Also I'm not hugely fussy but I can't stand margarine or that horrible fake butter that's mixed with other stuff, but I don't want to be suspiciously scraping at it if it's on a butter dish on the table.

We find staying at my cousins hard as they like small portions and don't like eating out.We went to visit them at their holiday cottage on the coast and were really looking forward to having fish and chips and indulging ourselves. Instead my cousin had brought many meals that she had cooked and frozen to reheat - with that slightly unfortunate texture that once frozen food has - and was a bit put out when fussy DS wouldn't eat a very mild curry she had made. Actually I sound awful there, as it seems like she was being nice, but there is quite a lot of control around her actions and also about my reactions

I take it if you offered to do lunch/dinner one day, MIL would decline? How long are you staying there? Maybe shorter visits would make it easier, and taking a secret stash of snacks with you.

Or just tell MIL you're not hungry, then order a Deliveroo. That'll learn her

@rookiemere oh god the fake butter - it’s all MIL has! So even something innocuous like toast for breakfast is tainted!

Being served huge portions is very off-putting for me..
I'd far rather have a small portion, and come back for more..
I had huge eating issues as a child, and dreaded having too go to parent's friends for ''A Meal''...
Once we were given home made soup that looked like dirty dishwater with globs of oil floating on the top..I still remember the panic of it.

I had a {lovely} dinner at someone's house as an adult, and they didn't allow water with food! .. I had to really pressure to 'please be allowed a glass of water'...They believed that water taken with food wasn't healthy and impaired digestion! ...yet they had alcohol?
Strange!

Take snacks with you. I always do.