To be in a bad mood because of food?!

[MoiraRoseIsMyQueen]

So, staying with the in-laws (a bit of a trial in itself), and I’m feeling really grumpy this morning (although smiling and being happy outwardly). I always feel this way when I’m here, and having thought about it a lot, I think it’s to do with not being able to eat what and when I want. Which I know sounds ridiculous, but I really struggle with having to eat the food I’m given by MIL - which is okay, not always delicious, and not what I’d choose to eat, but fine - and not being able to control what I’m eating. I’m finding myself getting anxious already about lunch and dinner, what we’ll eat, what it will be, etched I don’t have food issues otherwise, so AIBU to let this get to me?!

I’m pretty much 100% in control of food at home as well - menu planning, shopping, and cooking - so to not be able to do any of that is quite stressing!

So in fact you're a clone of your MIL, you're in charge in your house. I wonder what guests in your home think of what you give them?

Whether you're unreasonable or not depends on what she's serving.

For example, not being in control of the menu but it's fairly normal food being served within the normal window for meals then I'd say YANBU. It's just part and parcel of staying somewhere and probably should be filed under 'irritating part of staying with family'.

If it's a case of being served all sorts of random foods at random times, no ability to get yourself some toast/fruit to manage your own appetite then YANBU.

They also have a habit of serving food at 'odd' times, like doing a BBQ for 'lunch' but won't serve food until about 3pm. So I never know if I'm supposed to have eaten beforehand or how long we have to wait for a meal when we get there
We have a relative like this. Some days they put on a full lunch, but others it's a case of 'picky bits' (their phrase not mine) and it's expected that people are psychic, so they get offended if people see no lunch by 1pm and help themselves because they were going to cook a big lunch. They hadn't started lunch because they were busy faffing with various things or just nipping places before lunch.

I think many children who are raised today will have massive issues in the future, as they are only served the food they like

The OP suspects that for her this issue may have been caused by the exact opposite of what you describe - being forced to eat and finish food that she didn't want to eat.

Most fussy children who eat a limited range of foods will grow out of it. Trying to force them to just eat what they are given is counter-productive. I was a fussy eater as a child. From teens onwards I would eat pretty much anything.

@lazylinguist

I think many children who are raised today will have massive issues in the future, as they are only served the food they like

The OP suspects that for her this issue may have been caused by the exact opposite of what you describe - being forced to eat and finish food that she didn't want to eat.

Most fussy children who eat a limited range of foods will grow out of it. Trying to force them to just eat what they are given is counter-productive. I was a fussy eater as a child. From teens onwards I would eat pretty much anything.

I'm the same. I was part of the you can't leave the table until your plate is clean. I remember one time just chewing and chewing a piece of roast beef.

Whereas now I eat pretty much anything. Whereas if I'm forced to I don't like the situation.

Although I will admit it's totally a control thing and it's not my MiL fault it's definitely a me issue. But I wish we could find a compromise.

I've occasionally found it very weird at MIL's house because if we are there for eg. Christmas Day, we'll get there about 11, and we might be lucky to get a cup of coffee within an hour of arriving. We then sit about for ages and eat about half past two.

The day drags on until late afternoon. It's Christmas Day. We have a cup of tea. Does the cake come out, or the mince pies, or the chocolate biscuits? Nope.

Early evening arrives. Aha you think - time for a nice little nibbly buffet with turkey sandwiches, leftover pigs in blankets, some nice gammon and a bit of salad... nope. Nothing. Not even cheese and biscuits.

You surreptitiously sneak into the kitchen on the pretext of getting a glass of water, and peer into the fridge and the cupboards. There doesn't appear to be any food anywhere.

Most odd.

I feel stressed at my in-laws, they’re lovely and the food is delicious, but it’s very controlled. If we have roast chicken they take all the skin off as they carve ‘it’s unhealthy to eat it’, strawberries are served with natural yoghurt, and you’re asked how many potatoes you want before they’re prepped so they make exactly that amount. Veg is always well cooked, but plain, steamed carrots, broad beans, green beans, peas. No dressing, butter or sauces. Salad is a bowl of iceberg lettuce. Salad dressing is low-fat, been in the fridge for yonks.

They are kind lovely people, both of them are good plain cooks. I just find it hard. They are both in good shape, better than me. It’s my problem, I’m too controlling.

I remember the chimps now! That was so of its time looking back. @OhTheRoses

I find eating at in laws stressful too. My in laws are a absolutely lovely and make delicious food. But I find it hard sitting down to a meal with them. They bring all the food to the table and serve up on the table. Seeing all the food laid out makes me overeat. :(

At my house, dp, dd and I always sit at the table together to eat, but we serve up in the kitchen which I prefer.

I have this issue too.
I like to eat at the usual meal times. 8am, 12pm 5pm, because they fit perfectly within my usual routine such as work and dc. I don't snack as I have no willpower and once i start I don't stop. I also don't like to eat after 6pm as I have a churny belly all night.
If we go to the in laws for Sunday lunch then food is served at 3pm..so I have a snack when 2 year old ds has his lunch. But nothing for tea.
Dh is very much on his parents schedule still. He will have 4 rounds of toast for breakfast then snacks for the rest of the day, peanuts, at least 4 chocolate bars, crisps, cheese, anything fattening really and will happily eat his evening meal at 7pm. I won't say anything when he's snacking but when I set lunch with ds I'm being greedy apparently. And if I try to ask what he would like making for the evening meal I'm apparently thinking about food too much and can I see that he's not hungry. Whereas dh thinks he's healthy because he doesn't scoff at mealtimes.
I have lost weight over lockdown, intentionally and dh has gained weight. This is apparently my fault for making proper meals.

I feel the same! I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I think one of the biggest issues for me is that they plate every meal up in the kitchen so I have no control over what I get. I suspect they think I'm really fussy but I'm not, I'll usually happily eat almost everything on a restaurant menu, I just like to choose what I eat. They also randomly switch between having 2 or 3 meals a day so you don't know what to expect. And they don't make any concessions to the children, who can't cope with 2 meals a day and prefer plain food. The worst was when I was pregnant with gestational diabetes and they would just serve me meals with the bits I couldn't eat missing but no replacement, so for instance I got the same portion of scrambled egg as everyone else for Christmas breakfast but no substitute for the two slices of toast they all had.

I feel the same way when staying away from home. It’s nothing to do with how good a cook they are or how nice or nasty the food is. It’s more about control I think.

For me it’s easily solved by always having a stash of snacks in my bag. Nothing huge, just some chocolate or cereal bars. It gives me peace of mind to know I could eat them if I wanted to. Knowing they are there of I need them takes the panic away and more often than not I don’t touch them.

I recently came back from a six week tour of Asia with three very sad, squashed, little bags of mini cheddars in the bottom of my back pack. They were too sorry looking to eat and I put them out for the birds!

I don’t understand. Are you say g the food they serve adversely affects your blood sugars or similar? If so, take some snacks that will balance this.

I really don’t understand your situation compared to school camps for instance where people just get fed a mass pre-determined meal three times a day. You don’t end up with a group of enraged campers. What is different?

It's improved at my MIL's massively now she is on her own and can't be bothered so meals consist of ready meals, frozen pizza and every cake you can think of.

Before when she cooked it was very very grim.

We coped by timing our visits to avoid as many mealtimes as possible and packing a stash of food in the suitcase.

I feel the same at PIL. FIL used to be a great cook, but MIL's 'dietary requirements' have taken over and the food is really bland now. I find it depressing having to eat something that I really don't enjoy. (Story of my life growing up at home.)

I appreciate this is why we are getting increasingly overweight as a nation - because we don't regard food as fuel. But it's soul-destroying.
PIL also always overcook, so there's loads left over too. (Which again reminds me of growing up and being served the exact same meal twice over.)
When they come here, FIL likes to offer to cook food to 'help'. Is really depressing. Dh won't let him do all the work, but it feels rude to say no completely.
The irony is that when the kids were small FIL was at his adventurous best and cooking amazing food, but it was all a bit much for the kids, so I would do separate meals for them.

I'm lucky in that the only place i eat is with my SIL.. she's a fabulous cook and i always enjoy what she serves.

That being said, both she and my brother eat cow pie.. they PILE their plates high with food and i honestly don't know how they fit it all in...

Now, i'm a plus size girl, bigger than she is actually.. but i dont eat massive meals, i rarely eat more than twice a day at most.. my weight issues are related more to my sweet eating/lack of exercise >.<

I always feel like they vaguely think i'm judging them when i put such a small amount on my plate, while they're there stacking it fit to fall off the sides!!

@lazylinguist

I think many children who are raised today will have massive issues in the future, as they are only served the food they like

The OP suspects that for her this issue may have been caused by the exact opposite of what you describe - being forced to eat and finish food that she didn't want to eat.

Most fussy children who eat a limited range of foods will grow out of it. Trying to force them to just eat what they are given is counter-productive. I was a fussy eater as a child. From teens onwards I would eat pretty much anything.

I disagree. There's a big difference with forcing someone to finish their plate, which I don't agree with, and with encouraging fussy eaters. The simple fact to make such fuss about meals is clearly the problem.

You serve food, people are hungry, they eat. They are not, they take little.

I never understand why anyone would limit their kids meal to a small range, whilst you can just prepare normal meals. If they don't like them, they don't eat much and will eat more at the next meal.

Sadly so many kids are so drowning in snacks all day that they are never really hungry at meal time anyway.

Do adults really limit their own menu to food they actually love, and stay away from things they are a bit meh about? That would be why we have an obesity issue in this country!

@HoppingPavlova compared to school camps?!! I’m not a child!

Thank goodness my MIL isn't like this! I'd HATE it! My MIL is more like "What shall we have tonight?" and if I or DH want to cook, that's fine!

We tend to all cook together...it's so weird to be controlling when you have guests.

I get a bit like that when we’re staying with PILs.

It’s not about what they serve - I’m sure DH told them all about my main food likes & dislikes, as they never give me food I hate.

My main problem is the timing of the meals. It’s so random. Lunch can be anywhere from 11am - 3pm, dinner anywhere between 5 - 9pm. It just feels so rude and greedy to ask them what time dinner will be.

I’ve taken secret snacks to their house before. Even if I don’t eat any, it’s helpful to know that I’ve got some crackers or whatever if I need them.

Yes I get this too. Nice Mil who cooks good food, but I feel uncomfortable helping myself in her kitchen (DH has no such issue!) - probably because I don’t like people helping themselves in mine... But Pil have very different meal times to us.

Definitely a control thing and I suppose I do have issues around food. It’s not helped that Pil (and the whole of DH’s family) are slim and pretty body/health conscious. - and I am obese. I also get issues with blood sugar if I don’t eat regularly and so that drives anxiety about knowing I am in control of what and when I eat.

Its better now I feel I can help myself to organise food for the DCs (and sneak some myself!) But before that I used to take some nuts/ biscuits in my bag and have them just in case.

Can you not develop an illness connected to your diet? Alternatively say that you are on the 5:2 diet, that would cut out some meals?

The fact that so many adults living in our countries full of food with no experience of hunger whatsoever, are so anxious they need to hide "snacks" to feel reassured they won't starve despite being fed at least 2 meals a day is a worry.

This is why I don't like to stay in other people's homes.

The only place I stay is when I visit family abroad - my family member hostess tends to order in takeout (after discussion about what we all fancy) or we go out to restaurants. Works out more expensive for all (we split it) but at least no one person is being put upon to shop, prep and cook for everyone.

When my DParents come here for a visit (two days max generally) I ask them when/what they want to eat and encourage them to help themselves. I think they feel comfortable doing so.

Not all families eat the same foods at the same times and in the same amounts. Food is important to me (constant dieter!) so I need it to be just right.

I did that callmeadoctor, we went out for Sunday lunch and i ended up eating nothing at all, just sat there, while they all ate roast beef. They all praised me for my control. Ridiculous.

I totally hear you and I am the same at both my mum's and MIL's.

I used to bring stashes of chocolate cookies and snacks because then I knew I could always retreat to the bedroom and have something I wanted.

Recently we went to visit, stayed in a nearby self-catering flat so that we could observe social distancing, but were planning to eat all meals at MIL's (outside in the garden) - and I didn't take any snacks as I am eating much less now (losing weight yay me) and thought I wouldn't need it - but it was still really stressful. If I'm at home I might eat a bit of veg out of the fridge mid-morning or mid-afternoon and I couldn't. Just having no control is a stressful thing.

So I will be taking snacks in future - just healthy ones rather than cookies.