To be in a bad mood because of food?!

[MoiraRoseIsMyQueen]

So, staying with the in-laws (a bit of a trial in itself), and I’m feeling really grumpy this morning (although smiling and being happy outwardly). I always feel this way when I’m here, and having thought about it a lot, I think it’s to do with not being able to eat what and when I want. Which I know sounds ridiculous, but I really struggle with having to eat the food I’m given by MIL - which is okay, not always delicious, and not what I’d choose to eat, but fine - and not being able to control what I’m eating. I’m finding myself getting anxious already about lunch and dinner, what we’ll eat, what it will be, etched I don’t have food issues otherwise, so AIBU to let this get to me?!

@lazylinguist well, I’ve been thinking about it a lot this morning, and I’m wondering if it’s related to childhood food issues - being forced to eat/finish meals, lots of stress and emotion around eating, etc. That feeling of being sat in front of a plate and having to eat it is very much the same as when I was young I think.

I used to have this at MIL's house. Strange meal times, often 3 hours after she'd said we would eat, then weird food. Also seemed to think it was impolite if I wanted a knife to eat with, she once served duck curry which was random chunks of duck in a curry, unrendered fat still on the skin, bone and gristle, made me heave.

Luckily having children meant I could use them as an excuse to set meal times and part of the menu and I could be included in the kids meal as my only function there post babies was childcare and cleaner. It was quite a relief to eat chicken nuggets at regular intervals.

Take decent snacks, perhaps invent a food intolerance as an excuse to at your own food? I have previously feigned a headache to miss a particularly unpleasant meal and happily eaten snacks in the bedroom while reading.

I get the same because they eat like sparrows and I'm a bit of a pig. I find I have to pretend I'm fine with the tiny portions and say no to more because I feel like a fatty if I have more than them. I take snacks in my case :-) Do that, take back control

When my son and his girlfriend come to stay I stack up with things I know they like and then leave them to sort themselves out. If we all want to eat together i ask them what they fancy and more often than not get them to cook it!

I always take food. I feel like shit otherwise. It's all white, overcooked and awful. No fruit, no crispy veg or salad, nothing fresh or tasty. Once I suggested a takeaway and before I knew it all ordered - no choices. There was nothing I could eat. Also the tiny glasses of water - what is that about. I am constantly thirsty. I stop at M&S and stock up

I used to have this issue with PILS. MIL was a dreadful cook and FIL would always insist on doing a BBQ, regardless of the weather, and would proudly dish up raw inside/charcoal outside meat for us all.

I took to taking a big bag of snack food and just ate salad or small amounts and nobody noticed.

I’m wondering if it’s related to childhood food issues - being forced to eat/finish meals, lots of stress and emotion around eating,

That sounds like a distinct possibility. I asked because my MIL is a competent but somewhat...eccentric cook. She serves some odd things but I merrily eat them because I'm a very unfussy eater.

So I guess it's the pressure of feeling you have no choice but to eat what's in front of you, rather than what food it actually is. That's tricky. Do you get on well with your MIL? Would it be possible to have a quiet chat with her - explain and say that it's not about her cooking (maybe tell her you have the same issue wherever you are, when you haven't chosen your food). If she was understanding and you knew she wouldn't be offended by you leaving food, maybe the feeling of pressure would reduce.

[quote MoiraRoseIsMyQueen]@Lyricallie god that sounds so stressful. Well done for being stern though, I’m not quite brave enough for that!

I think it’s having to eat what I don’t really want that’s stressing me out - last night’s dinner was fine, but it didn’t make me think mmm just what I fancy! And having to sit and eat it makes me feel a bit like I could boak. But there’s no alternative, and then when I am hungry, there’s nothing to eat![/quote]
It's been long going battle. Like I really don't like pizza. BF said this to MiL she made it anyway. That was the day I found out my stubbornness outweighed my hunger.

@Lyricallie I’d say that’s your dislike of pizza rather than stubbornness.

I feel the same when I visit the in laws. It stresses me out. I think they think I have an eating disorder (I don't) because I always refuse some of their food as they are constantly eating. Like we will have lunch and they will have dessert and then maybe an hour later it's tea and biscuits and so on

I feel like this at my parents house but in reverse. They eat 2 meals a day, I always have 3 plus snacks (I am lower weight than them though!) and they constantly make me and DH feel like pigs for wanting (gasp) a third meal.

I agree it's a control thing. Bring your own snacks!

This is why I never stay at anyone’s house except my own parents. I’d hate to feel like I had to go along with their plans all the time and eat what they eat. I’d also be insanely grumpy not being able to chill in my own space for at least part of the day. I’d much rather just pay for a hotel.

My family are insanely full on and loud and have such a busy house but weirdly DP loves going to stay there and is always keen to go. I’d absolutely hate it if they weren’t my own family

I’m exactly the same as you !!!!

I get this sometimes too. I love to cook and try and make nice meals. If we go to BIL's house they cook but the food isn't how I would do it- cheap sausages cooked in a big pans of grease etc. I now offer to bring a food contribution and help cook, it which has helped.

[quote GreyishDays]@Lyricallie I’d say that’s your dislike of pizza rather than stubbornness. [/quote]
Potentially, however if I was really hungry I would have eaten it anyway. However it was the fact she was told I didn't like it and made it felt disrespectful.

Also this was like 8 years in of this. I was a bit done.

We now go to restaurants which is much better and also we get to treat them which is nice.

[quote MoiraRoseIsMyQueen]@Lyricallie god that sounds so stressful. Well done for being stern though, I’m not quite brave enough for that!

I think it’s having to eat what I don’t really want that’s stressing me out - last night’s dinner was fine, but it didn’t make me think mmm just what I fancy! And having to sit and eat it makes me feel a bit like I could boak. But there’s no alternative, and then when I am hungry, there’s nothing to eat![/quote]
Good god woman, you're an adult.

Go out for tea. Order something in. Go the the supermarket and buy something. If they say anything, just say you really fancied whatever and move on.

I’m with you on this .
I like to eat what I like, from the shops I like.
I’d hate to be given a plate of food and be expected to eat it. She is treating you like a child.

I'm fine with my il's as they eat a crap load like me. And they'll top me up with wine too

But my mum eats like a sparrow on a diet and I am fucking eating my own hand at her house. I'd have to take snacks or have Uber eats delivered to my window.

I struggle with having food cooked for me. I know it's because I'm fussy and growing up vegetarian was often served very weird things (vegetarian in the 80s wasn't much of a thing!) I'd always be happy with some cauliflower cheese or a baked potato and beans but people I find often want to do something special, and when they aren't used to cooking vegetarian this can go very oddly.
Of course nowadays it's not such a weird thing but I still find it hard. When I visit the in laws I take snacks, although MIL is a great cook and always makes lovely vegetarian food. They have one main meal a day and breakfast and evening meal are very bread and sugar heavy. I go and buy fruit and salad as my 'contribution' which means I get the fresh things I like.

Can't you get your husband to advocate for you?
My other half always checks what his mum is making and then will say "girlfriend can't eat that so we'll just put a breaded chicken etc in for her (or some microwave easy meal) "
Luckily I'd his sister is there with kids I can have the kids meals.

(Just not a fan of fish curries they seem to like)

Breakfast you cab just say you just want to have a yoghurt first thing, unreasonable to force someone to eat a large cooked breakfast if they just want cereal.

@christmastreewithhairyfairy

I feel the same when I visit the in laws. It stresses me out. I think they think I have an eating disorder (I don't) because I always refuse some of their food as they are constantly eating. Like we will have lunch and they will have dessert and then maybe an hour later it's tea and biscuits and so on

I feel like this at my parents house but in reverse. They eat 2 meals a day, I always have 3 plus snacks (I am lower weight than them though!) and they constantly make me and DH feel like pigs for wanting (gasp) a third meal.

I agree it's a control thing. Bring your own snacks!

My parents do this! They have a big, late breakfast and a big, early dinner. I don't enjoy such big meals and although I can eat like that without too much bother I don't find it pleasant. I'd rather eat three smaller meals but they seem to think this is a moral failing of some kind! I often have to remind my dad that the kids actually need lunch thankfully i feel fine buying the things the kids eat and just making it for them but my parents would happily head off for a day out without thinking of packing any food for the kids. And if you were to suggest buying food out - when there is perfectly good food at home - well.

Me and dp both hate eating in groups but it's always worse at in-laws.
I don't eat enough for their liking, neither does dp. 2nds are normal for most of them yet I barely finish a plate. Dp now hides while the food is out cos we both get "are you sure you have enough" yelled across the room, multiple times. They also not strict with cross contamination risk either and I'm allergic to seafood so I'm wary of main meal stuff.
Now this is bareable, just, I wait for quiet moment, grab a bread roll, some cheese, bit of salad, all good. I can deal.
The real kick in the guts comes when "dessert" is brought out. They all diabetic, everything is sugar free. Not even dd could stomach the "chocolate" cake that's trotted out every get together. Fake chocolates, sugar free custard so can't even enjoy dessert

We often pre eat or eat on way home from McDonald's. I need control of my food. Its easier and saves hurt feeling and bad moods lol

I’m wondering if there’s a solution. My DH struggled at my parents when we first married as they always have a really light lunch and he was always starving so he took snacks. But also I would tell mum things her like to have in and so we worked together. Does your DH have a relationship like that with his parents? An alternative is to say ‘hey as we’re staying here why don’t we alternate cooking to give you a break?’ But again it really depends on the relationship.

This has made me rethink how food is organised in our house. I’m pretty much 100% in control of planning/shopping etc, but that probably isn’t great as the rest of them don’t have any say. My daughter is constantly a asking me about the next meal. Maybe she feels like you! Next week we’re going to menu plan together!

Can you offer to cook the next meal or to buy a takeaway, ostensibly to "lift the burden"?

Can you go off and eat out for some meals, with or without them?

Just because you're staying with them, surely it doesn't mean every meal has to be a whole family thing?

I vote for the stash if the conversation with them is unthinkable.

Otherwise, the only other way ahead is to say, "I'm going to bring some meals with us when we stay" - and then list whatever you like that you think they'd like as well. Maybe leave the puddings etc. to them but take control of the main part of the main meal. Then a chat in the morning as to what time the Fish pie will go in the oven and things are sorted.

@category12 bloody lockdown is making it so much worse, as there are hardly any cafes etc open properly, and MIL is immunocompromised and has dietary requirements so it’s a bit more complicated. Which also means takeaways etc are off the table as well.