To be in a bad mood because of food?!

[MoiraRoseIsMyQueen]

So, staying with the in-laws (a bit of a trial in itself), and I’m feeling really grumpy this morning (although smiling and being happy outwardly). I always feel this way when I’m here, and having thought about it a lot, I think it’s to do with not being able to eat what and when I want. Which I know sounds ridiculous, but I really struggle with having to eat the food I’m given by MIL - which is okay, not always delicious, and not what I’d choose to eat, but fine - and not being able to control what I’m eating. I’m finding myself getting anxious already about lunch and dinner, what we’ll eat, what it will be, etched I don’t have food issues otherwise, so AIBU to let this get to me?!

@StatementKnickers unfortunately we are in the back of beyond - no Deliveroo here! And it’s not necessarily that I don’t like the food, it’s usually perfectly fine, it’s the lack of control over what is being served and when that I’m struggling with I think.

I get like this. I'm the only vegetarian so always a bit uncomfortable about the fact that PIL will buy something for me especially, and therefore feel obliged to eat it no matter what it is. They also have a habit of serving food at 'odd' times, like doing a BBQ for 'lunch' but won't serve food until about 3pm. So I never know if I'm supposed to have eaten beforehand or how long we have to wait for a meal when we get there (especially difficult with having young kids who usually have lunch at about 12.30 and very quickly start to get 'hangry' when they have to wait until mid-afternoon for lunch). It's difficult to have have a snack to tide us all over as well for these weird meal times as "we mustn't ruin our appetite for lunch". It's not the biggest issue in the grand scheme of things, but does always cause some stress and anxiety.

Can you say you are on Slimming World or on a health prescribed diet or are helping with a local university eating initiative? This would give you the excuse to say "sorry but this typed set of rules (prepped in advance) says I can only eat X, Y, Z and only at these hours."

or even

"There's a C19 study about the effects of food on virus transmission. I'm helping with that so I hope for the good of the country you'll help keep us all safe by letting me follow their guidelines."

@MoiraRoseIsMyQueen
When we visit Mum {who eats extremely frugally and butter is a Sin, being ''fattening''...I buy a small packet, and bring my own bread, as bread too ''is fattening''...Mum is built like an ethereal fairy.
Eats barely anything.
But she doesn't mind me buying bread and butter for proper toast...and honey! :)

I’m exactly the same.

Do you have to stay? I think the food stuffs we eat, our choices, are very personal issues and one reason why I don’t particularly like staying away from home.

I relate
I am very disciplined in terms of every aspect of my life, including food, exercise, my children, my home etc.

So with in ex in law with whine I got on decently with, I was open about this feature of me. But politely. So I would buy fresh fruit, veg, and fish because this is what I liked to eat and what I liked my children to have in their diet. Whereas she was just met and veg kind of diet.

The key was that I was prepared to fully pay for all the food that I incorporated and I was sensitive and kind in how I approached the issue.

Consequently I didn’t get anxious because I knew that I’d still be eating my healthy diet, exercise, have children in bed etc when I wanted them. And I was able to relax and enjoy!

I get this with the in laws sometimes. MIL isn’t a bad cook at all and a lot of her food is excellent but it’s just not what I would have chosen. I obviously don’t want to be ungrateful so end up feeling bad for feeling negatively about it. Especially desserts. She goes to massive efforts with cakes and things and sometimes I’d rather just have a yoghurt! She wouldn’t even be offended if I said I didn’t fancy it, I don’t think, but I’d feel so rude because she loves feeding people!

I find this a bit strange. When I’m at somebody’s house for a few days I just eat the meals? Unless it’s something you actively dislike in which case you’d tell them in advance.
could you suggest you cook one night and they cook the other? Or that one night is a takeaway you all want?

Just to say when we have people staying, I try to give them a lot of choice and let them know when mealtimes are likely to be, to try to give back some control as I know how it feels.

I find it a bit strange too.

For me, one of the great joys in staying in someone else's house is not having to cook or to decide what to eat. I have enough of that the rest of the time

Ah. This is really interesting. In my house I am the cook and the planner of meals. I do all of that (not a martyr - DH does loads of other stuff). We never stay overnight with other people. Sometimes friends stay with us. I would absolutely hate staying with family or friends and being out of control over what I eat. Obviously we do go to family or friends for meals, but that is one meal at a time. It’s very different. You are not unreasonable at all.

This thread makes me grateful to live near our families!

We never stay at other people’s houses or have people to stay.

You get invited for one meal, which you probably have some idea about the content - roast, sandwich - at a set time, then leave a few hours later. Easy!

The first time we visited MIL my husband warned me of their eating habits.

Light breakfast at 10
Nothing for rest of day
7pm go to pub and have several drinks (no food)
11pm go back to theirs and have massive curry.

At 4pm h and I went “for a walk” but that was actually to a garage to buy sandwiches and crisps which we ate in secret.

I’m such a lightweight, even one drink on an empty stomach would have me on my knees drunk. There’s no way I would have lasted without a secret snack.

But like you I felt anxious about not being in control of food and drink (and also judged for not wanting to go without good for 13 hours during the day!)

My MIL cooks way too much food always, so after you finish it’s always “time for seconds!” and everyone gets a second plate dished up. Once she tried for thirds “there’s plenty left!” and I said “oh no I’m so full thanks” and she looked heartbroken and went “oh... did you not like it? I know I’m not the best cook but I didn’t think it was that bad...” 🤦‍♀️

I don't understand the having to be in control of food. Did those with this issue never have lun h at school, friends houses, summer camp, catered halls, etc. Did none of your mother's say "someone has provided you with food, you try it and smile and if you don't like it (unless a relly and a particular dislike) you say, oh I had such a big lunch and can manage any more but it was delicious".

@Fifthtimelucky

I find it a bit strange too.

For me, one of the great joys in staying in someone else's house is not having to cook or to decide what to eat. I have enough of that the rest of the time

I totally agree! A meal that someone else has cooked is a wonderful thing in my book.

@OhTheRoses I'm never rude, I will always say thank you to someone, doesn't mean I have to like the situation.
FWIW I'm perfectly happy to go to someone's house for one meal - say evening meal. That's because it's one meal and even if it were something I didn't like, then I can manage happily for that one occasion. But I think the thing is, if it's all three meals every family has their own way of doing things and it rarely coincides with someone else's way.

And OP you still haven't told us what she serves.

If it's stuff like:
Braised pigs trotters
Sweetbread with lemon and capers
Pressed tongue with old fashioned salad (lettuce leaf, slice cu, slice of egg, slice of Tom and dollop of salad cream)
Sardine mousse

YANBU

Roast chicken
Beef stew and dumplings
Cottage pie
Poached salmon

YABU

@OhTheRoses

This is more than one meal. One meal I’d be happy with eating anything.

Breakfast lunch and dinner over multiple days - no. I want fresh fruit. I want veg. I want fish. I don’t want steak, lamb and potatoes and fry ups Every morning.
Nor do I want it for my children.

So it’s not about rudeness.

It’s about asserting oneself politely, being prepared to financially pay for your preferences and not being happy to put up with food that you don’t enjoy and your digestive system isn’t used to - multiple times a day for a Stretch of days

I don't understand this obsession and upset about food either - do you actually care if there's a meal you don't really like?

Unless it makes you physically sick, what's the issue?

I think many children who are raised today will have massive issues in the future, as they are only served the food they like, are not expected to eat anything they dislike and a massive deal is made about food and constant "treats".

Unless you have to spend 6 months in isolation with someone, it's not going to kill you to change your diet and routine for a week or so.

I do hate this horrible habit of "plating" the food, but if people insist on it, you just don't finish your plate if the portions are out of control. No one can insist on proper table manners if they haven't got them in the first place.

Deffo a control thing and I remember over a period of maybe 6 weeks having to live with my in-laws because of some works we were getting done to our house. I was also pregnant and I would be so so hungry as we could only eat when MIL said and often it would be like 8-9pm in the evenings - thank god for the first 4 weeks I would go to work and eat there - last couple of weeks I would argue so much with DH I just started buying food and eating it in our room - I'm talking apples - pears - nuts - foods I thought I were essential to me growing baby. They also had this thing they hated I had eggs for breakfast I had gestational diabetes so I couldn't eat sugary cereal - I had to have a like eggs most days - always with fruit I had to have nuts with them to help absorb sugars. Caused so many problems that when we had to get some more work done to our house we rented out somewhere - complete relief.

We learned the hard way that a bag full of decent snacks is absolutely essential when staying with someone else. We spent a very hungry few days at my in-laws, who eat a very light breakfast at 11am then a tiny elderly sized portion of dinner at 4pm and that was how they catered for all of us, too. We offered to go shopping and stock up on food so we could feed our own family properly, but they weren't happy. MIL was genuinely insulted that the kids were hungry after a fishfinger and a spoon of baked beans. She said they were "greedy".

On day three husband cracked and we drove the 20 minutes to town for lunch followed by a trip to a supermarket for loads of snacks and things that would keep without refrigeration (because they have a tiny caravan sized fridge). We also made sure for the rest of the holiday that we ate out or cooked ourselves at least once a day, and invited them to join us. Sometimes they did, but most of the time they wanted to stick to their own routine. I hate pot noodles and cup soups normally, but when you're ravenous after one sausage, one potato and a tablespoon of peas as your "main meal", you'll eat anything.

I think it’s a shame that you cannot just enjoy having someone else cooking and preparing your food for a few days ! I would consider it a massive treat .

@atadaddicted but we don't know what the MIL is serving because the OP hasn't told us.

In the situation you describe why can't you or indeed the op, arrive with a fruit bowl as a gift for all to share. Or perhaps some specialist muesli and yoghurt.