To think I was conned into my marriage?

[Bereft89]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

At any age true love is possible. There will be a kind man out there who will appreciate you. You will not be taken in again. Good luck

@Vikingwife@ he said HE bullied another child. I think @bereft 89@ need to think carefully about her future with this man. Would she have children with him? He doesn't have empathy which makes him narsisstic. He wont change unless HE wants to and it doesn't look like he will. Sorry, I feel for you.

Yes, your being calm will unnerve him. Chances are he's often said things just to see your reaction, and you being calm today rather than wounded will have him wondering what's going on.

Dropping a knife on your foot is a big red flag. As others have said above, women are often most at risk when they're in the process of leaving. Definitely don't tell him it's over and just do/say whatever you need to get out of there and to your mum's place.

I can't believe some people on here are acting like you should give him a chance and go the counselling route, counselling is the worst place to take a narcissist, all it does it teach them better manipulation techniques.

I think this situation has the potential to get a lot worse for you. I'm sorry but I also think you should leave and go somewhere safe.

@bereft89 Do not feel like you are in the wrong or that you are a loser. The man you married is a narcissist. It is a way they choose and it becomes an illness! They hide it so well. Please keep in touch on here in future and you will get lots of support. ❤🌹🌈

He's welcome to get help/counselling and you can stay in touch but I honestly and strongly think you need to leave quietly, soon, and leave a note saying you'll call in a day or 2. And be prepared never to return if necessary.

He's obviously got a problem and it's his job to fix it for himself. If he's not making any effort to improve his mentality or making you feel loved, then you should leave. Make sure you leave in a safe way as you don't know what reaction he might have once he knows you are leaving. Always speak to people you can trust, such as your family or close friends, they need to keep any eye on you.

Just go in the safest way. He won’t improve! And do the freedom programme

Leave asap.

@Bereft89 I’m so sorry you are going through this. I hope you put plenty of distance between yourself & him ASAP. Two things I want to say that are perhaps ‘tough love’ but they come from my experience: firstly, I completely understand your need to hear a heartfelt apology but he is not going to change, he will get worse, be glad you’ve not had children with him; secondly, you’re 31 and that’s plenty young to assign this to the bad experience drawer, shut it firmly & move on to lead a fulfilling life (with someone else too if you want it). Please don’t blame yourself; you sound lovely & you’ll get through this with the help of your family. Refuge offer great advice & support too. Best wishes 💪🏼

I think you should get out of there but strange he said he hasn’t loved anyone I was married to an abuser and I hoped he would change but he never did he used to make me feel as thou everything was my fault but now I’ve divorced him it was the best thing I did my two children were very young to I don’t want them growing up thinking it’s ok to treat their spouse or partner this way xx

So what's your plan @Bereft89? Are you going to your mum's to stay? If so, when? I think the knife incident has given this more urgency, and you should leave tomorrow morning. Tell him you're going to get some shopping, or something, and just go.

We're all worried about you.

Do you love him? Would he consider opening up to a councillor? You do not have to stay with him but if you love him you might want to stand by him if he's willing to make changes

Hmmm... Just reading through the thread and I'm not so sure now. You sound lovely and I think you can do better than this guy.

Op I think you should get out as soon as you safely can

No friends....???? Major red flag OP......not normal at all.

Keep us in the loop, OP. Stay safe x

How awful. I am so glad you have your mum's to go to, and you are looking into other supports. Even more glad your dad is in the police.

I would highly recommend you get a copy of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. It will help to counter the confusion around not recognizing his behaviour sooner - many, many women don't wake up to this sort of thing until decades later.

It is a horrible shock, but you will recover from this. Stay strong. Sat safe.

stay not sat!

@Bereft89 He's probably a sociopath. I know, as I lived with one for many years. We had three children together. Leave him now and cut all ties. Block him permanently from all your contact lists. Don't ever go back to him, no matter what. Move on with your life. Don't make the life-destroying mistakes I made. Never have a relationship with anyone who doesn't respect you.

Narcissists can't handle their partner being seriously ill. They get their sense of self from their partner. Since he has moved into the disposal phase (assuming he is a narcissist) of your relationship he probably has or is looking for another person. Most likely already has someone lined up. But he could be some other kind of sociopath. You have been bullied. That's why he was telling you that he's done this before. You are traumatised. When the dust has all settled and you are well away from him try EMDR therapy. It's great for trauma. Good luck. Please let us know you've left and are safe. I'm so sorry. But also if he is a narcissist he's been that way since childhood. So it's not just being a great actor, it is relying on a mask to live. Most people only see the mask. They usually have one parent that loves them a lot but is passive, and one parent that is super critical. They wear the mask to try to please the impossible parent. So please don't blame yourself. And they normally choose partners they admire who have the qualities they lack. You were not to blame at all. They are great wooers.

Hi there.
You've taken the first step towards getting over this and it's monumental step. I know I've been in exactly the same situation as you are in now.

As others have said before me, I think you need to end the relationship. But only you can make that decision for yourself. I think by talking on here you really know deep down inside that no matter what the reason. It isn't a healthy a relationship if you are feeling this way. It's not about blame, it's just making you feel lousy, so you need to desist from the thing that is making you feel bad. In this case your marriage to this man.

I was lucky in that I saw it reasonably early on, once we moved in together. Prior to that we'd had a long term, but fairly long-distance relationship. It was therefore easy for him to be Mr Charming in short spells.

To cut a long story short I moved in with him on his territory. Only took two weeks before he showed his true colours. By then he'd done the classic isolating me. He convinced me to move up North so he could be near his ageing parents.

I ended up in Refuge with my son 8 months later. Don't get me wrong it wasn't pretty or easy but I had no choice in my situation. My son is Aspergic and my ex was having a massive impact on his well-being. I also have no doubt that I was absolutely right to get out.

Anyway I was lucky enough to do the Freedom programme whilst I was in the refuge. There is a book available, but I wouldn't advise getting hold of that unless you have a safe place to keep it. I know if my ex had found a copy of that whilst I was still with him he would have gone ballistic. Best be safe than sorry.

But I would start putting in place some back-up plans for if you decide to separate. Quietly and discreetly. I have given my keys to a number of friends who have been in similar situations. two of them never used them as they had their own back up plans, but they said the idea they could just turn up un-announced any time had helped them knowing that option was there unconditionally. Do you have close family or friends that you could have this sort of arrangement with.
My third friend used my keys several times and it gave her the time and space to gather her thoughts. All three have happy endings.

Women's aid are very discreet and they can offer you lots of advice and they will provide safe and secure temporary housing for you if it comes to that. They will also have information on benefits and moving on afterwards.They can even help you get out discreetly whilst still living with your husband. I'm not sure where you are, but if you give the main National Domestic Abuse number a call.
0808 2000 247 they will give you more advice about what is available in your own area.

In the meantime I found this graphic from the Freedom Programme very valuable and helpful for myself. I only had it after I got out, but it helped me settle those doubts about had I done the right thing, was I mad? Could I have handled it better? Am I impossible to live with. Am I bad person?

Have a look on-line here

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/graphic.php

Whatever happens and whatever you decide just remember, that you have a right to be happy and safe. If your marriage is making you feel miserable, like you are going mad and questioning yourself then it's no good. Only you can make the decision either way.

I hope that this has in some way helped. Kind thoughts and I hope your future is a much more pleasant one than your present.

Karen

Sounds very like my relationship before my marriage. We were together for 14 years and as we were so young when we got together I didn’t know any different. In the beginning he was full of grand gestures and I thought he was so kind and caring. I couldn’t have been more wrong. All he cared about was outward appearances and image and although he could be wonderful to everyone else in his life as soon as he felt comfortable in our relationship he started to become more and more irritable. He would snap at me daily, swear at me and use my insecurities against me in arguments. He would never come out to see my friends, he would sit snarling and miserable at weddings and actively try to stop me from enjoying things wherever possible. He put me down in front of his family and always pointing out my failures. There was no affection, He hated cuddles, he would protest if I tried to lie with my feet on him on the sofa. At first I found it strange as my first boyfriends had been so affectionate but over time you come to accept it as normal. Anyway my realisation came when a close family member died and because we were due to be staying with his family he tried to stop me going to the funeral. He was mad about the costs of the travel. I’d worked a night shift and when I asked him To drive as I could barely see he refused. It was like wow the penny dropped. He doesn’t love me and never has. And how could I have been blind for so long? I finally plucked up the courage to end it and honestly it was the best thing I ever did. I found my perfect partner, and look back with amazement that we stayed together in this misery for so long.
My advice is follow your heart. If it doesn’t feel like love, it isn’t. That relationship where somebody is just lovely to you and kind does exist and the only way to finding it is to leave this one behind. It’s not your fault, you tried. But sometimes things just aren’t meant to be xx

I was interested in what you wrote about the narcissist. I've been out and safe for 8 years now :-)

I talked to my friend at the time and she asked what it was like. I remember exactly what it was like and what I said.

"It's like living with two children. One of which I have responsibility for and the other I don't. He's a grown up man who isn't very well. but I can't look after both of them. So I have no choice but to get the f* out of there do I?"

Thankfully, I used to be a personal development trainer so I have an ability to step outside the situation and be honest with myself. Also my son was being impacted and targeted by my ex, and there was no way I could let that happen. It gave me the impetus to get out as quickly as possible. I tried to do it nicely, but he just escalated as soon as he realised I'd seen through him. So yep I ended up in a flee. It's funny now, but oh my goodness, horrible at the time.

I have a mental picture of my son and I at Birmingham New Street Station. Both wearing ruck-sacks front and back, carrying several carrier bags each, whilst dragging my shopping trolley with a cat basket tied on top, plus a yowling angry, cat inside.

That was the bottom! Homeless with a young son and a cat that hated me. I'm not saying life is a bowl of cherries all of the time since, but we came out of it all relatively unscathed. Well not sure about the cat. After all my re-housing us efforts including her she took off and rehoused herself with a nearby neighbour. Blinking ingrate ;-)