To think I was conned into my marriage?

[Bereft89]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

It's not a lie.
It's called self-preservation.

You are young and have a chance of real happiness. Good luck.

I've just read this thread and I agree there's some sort of personality disorder there.

Glad your mum is collecting you and agree that you need to collect all the important stuff and take it away now, while he doesn't realise you've decided to leave him. Otherwise, you might find he destroys them, or moves them where you can't find them later.

And by important stuff, it's not just papers, but also any important personal items you would hate to lose. EG, for me I'd take the fountain pen my mum gave me on my 50th birthday, as she died 3 weeks later. My ex would know how much that means to me, and I'd not put it past him to break the pen.

Just wanted to say good luck op. Don't worry about not telling him the truth about what you're up to. Your safety first. Hope it all goes well.

@BitOfANameChange

I've just read this thread and I agree there's some sort of personality disorder there.

Glad your mum is collecting you and agree that you need to collect all the important stuff and take it away now, while he doesn't realise you've decided to leave him. Otherwise, you might find he destroys them, or moves them where you can't find them later.

And by important stuff, it's not just papers, but also any important personal items you would hate to lose. EG, for me I'd take the fountain pen my mum gave me on my 50th birthday, as she died 3 weeks later. My ex would know how much that means to me, and I'd not put it past him to break the pen.

I agree, OP take what you can to your mum's.

I have a friend (a man actually) who was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath. When she realised that he had left for good, she poured bleach on his clothes, cut the cords to all his electrical appliances and ripped up some paintings and drawing with sentimental value to him.

Good luck OP. Just a thought, does your mobile have a tracking device, if so can it be switched off so that your whereabouts can't be traced? I'm so glad you're getting out before things get worse and I wish you all the best.

Don’t feel guilty, it’s what you need to do. Good luck OP.

Leave while you can
Dont look back
Make a new life
This man is not normal and could be dangerous

I'm glad your mum is coming to get you. As others have said, take everything of importance to you with you, so that if you are unable to return, you don't lose anything that really matters to you.

Will he be there when your mum comes?

And please - the "lie" is not an important thing. You tell him the truth, you run the risk of him doing something unimaginable - he dropped a knife on your foot just because he could tell something was different, ffs!
You are doing what you have to do to stay safe and get out in one piece - lose the guilty over it immediately!

So sorry but I really think you need to walk away. Anyone who bullies has issues.... More so if they say its as some sort of control thing.

I don't think you have been conned unfortunately some people are just like that they only show their true colours when they are months/years into a relationship they just hide it well, i don't think it will get any better I'm afraid. 😕 my ex(of 8 years) had a similar attitude towards me he hated me and I didn't ever know why, and slowly it became an abusive relationship emotionally and occasionly physically

Hi OP I'm wondering if it would be a good idea, before he gets to realise you are walking out on him for good, to open up a separate bank account and transfer half of what are in your joint accounts into the separate account. Once you walk out for good, he may decide to do something to prevent you accessing funds. Others on here may have views on this. It was just a thought x

OP I'm so relieved to read your last update. I hope you're now safely at your mum's and managed to collect all of your papers and important personal items before you left.

OP,
Good call to go to your mum's.

He sounds absolutely vicious.
That knife falling sounds deliberate.

Take any paperwork and personal items of value with you.

Transfer half of what is in any accounts to a safe place, your mothers account if you dont have a separate account.

Perhaps your father should also collect you if you need to bring a bit with you.

Thank god you don't have children with him.
He sounds like a very ugly character.

You will get through this.
Focus on being safe and getting well.

Your stress is showing on your face.
You will look better when you feel better.

Stay safe.

He's ramped up the "niceness" in the last 24 hours. He doesn't realise but I've heard him muttering to himself about what would be minor things to most other people when he thinks I can't hear.

This is an abuser manufacting anger - it means he’s justified in lashing out and also has the side bonus for him that it creates an atmosphere of fear so you’re on eggshells.

Glad you’re getting out, make sure you never need to go back

You got this!

Wow - just caught up with this one.
What an utterly nasty abusive wanker your DH is.
Of course it's a shock for you.
I'm so glad you are getting away today.
The knife incident is terrifying!
You have done everything right.
Got all your paperwork, spoken to the right organisations.
I wish you all the best OP.
You deserve only the best and you are taking action to get it.
Well done.

My first H was like yours, and only got worse. I stayed in that marriage for 10 years hoping he'd change but he never did and never will, same as yours.
I promise you WILL bounce back from this, it won't be easy and it will take time. But please, no matter what he says or does, good or bad, please don't go back to him. You may get the broken promises of "I promise I'll change" and he may well do, for a time. But he will revert back. You are better and worth more than this, and you CAN do this. PM me if you ever need to talk

Do you have someone in real life who can check in with you soon after your mum gets to you *@Bereft89 as I am worried about both of you. I thought he would get worse and dropping the knife on you was the start.

I'm sorry you've had this huge shock OP, but THANK GOD he told you in unambiguous terms who he is. You could have gone your whole life wondering if you were imagining things, if you were going mad, gradually being isolated from friends and family, your world shrinking to only revolve around him, and spending your days in tension trying not to upset him. Shit to find that he was playing a part for six years, but worse to not find out and go your whole life like that. And a huge, huge relief to not have kids together - it will be possible to start again.

Hope all is ok.

Hi, have you co side red that he may be autistic? My son is autistic, he has little capacity for empathy, doesn’t demonstrate love for us, Thinks emotion such as sadness, grief or affection is pathetic and gets irritated if I don’t immediately drop what I am doing to help him with something trivial. He can be verbally aggressive and scornful too.
It is difficult to love or even like him at times when there is no reciprocation. Yet I do, I’m his Mum and always will be. Of my three kids he is by far the most helpful, he will lay and clear the table without moaning and run little errands for me. I think this is the only way he feels comfortable showing he cares.

Don’t look back OP.
Please don’t go back to this man. You had a beautiful life waiting

Are you at your Mum's yet?

@LizzyA123

Hi, have you co side red that he may be autistic? My son is autistic, he has little capacity for empathy, doesn’t demonstrate love for us, Thinks emotion such as sadness, grief or affection is pathetic and gets irritated if I don’t immediately drop what I am doing to help him with something trivial. He can be verbally aggressive and scornful too. It is difficult to love or even like him at times when there is no reciprocation. Yet I do, I’m his Mum and always will be. Of my three kids he is by far the most helpful, he will lay and clear the table without moaning and run little errands for me. I think this is the only way he feels comfortable showing he cares.

I didn't think that people with autism usually bullied people unmercifully, as the OP's "D"H said he did at school. Mood swings, acting charmingly in company but getting more and more unpleasant over time but then acting all nice while muttering unpleasant things, again traits that I don't particularly associate with autism.

I think you are doing your son a dis-service associating him with this man's behaviour.

I really doubt he has autism. For a start he clearly understands theory of mind very well, well enough to convince the OP that he's a normal, kind, loving sort of person for quite a long time.

Hi everyone :-) just wanted to let you all know that I'm OK. I have consumed way too much chocolate since I arrived at Mum's.

She's been like a Saint. She even washed my hair for me as sge could see I'm just spent in every sense of the word. She's set out crafty things for me to do if I wanted to, which I have done a few.

I don't think he has autism. I don't pretend to be an expert but from what I have read/heard, autism isn't a choice. He knows when he's done or said wrong and has admitted to doing/saying bad things on purpose.

He's not really said much. I expect he's thinking I'll cave. He always had this notion that he'd "saved me" in life. Funny, he actually did the complete opposite!

We are safe here for anyone worrying. My Dad is very close by and is a high ranking police sargent (sorry I think I might have written that incorrectly!) with a top notch solicitor - "d" H knows both of these things. I don't think he'll try anything. I think a part of him is relieved. I think he's been wanting out but wanting to save face as per. He's realised that he can't control me anymore and I've lost my appeal.

Thank goodness you have good parents. Take care.