To think I was conned into my marriage?

[Bereft89]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

And also I totoally understand how you’re feeling about feeling a bit used and lost. I just felt stupid and kind of dirty when the penny finally dropped that none of it was real. The I love yous were meaningless words to keep me where he wanted me and to allow him
To use me for sex. Always in ways that pleased him. Shudder. And to be that ‘girlfriend’ that he thought everyone expected him to have. I was the sucker that fell for it. I really felt
So low and like there was no hope. But over time I came to forgive myself- we were young and there was no way I could have known different. In public (With people he considered important- his friends, colleagues and family- not mine) he seemed a perfectly nice guy. He tipped ridiculous amounts and bought Every one rounds. What nobody saw was he came home and rowed with me about me buying groceries, separated food he’d bought and put markers on ‘his’drink bottles and cereal to see if I’d taken any. In my twenties I thought maybe all relationships turn into this after a few years? But no no no- the true love that you’re not sure is real or not it’s real! It does exist! I found myself thinking about this question over and over again whilst I was in the relationship- I thought maybe it’s a myth. Maybe I’m just not that loveable. Maybe there isn’t a perfect match for everyone. But I’ve found it, I really have. My husband is kind, caring and a joy to be around. I found him just in time as I was diagnosed with a brain tumour not long after we got together and wow he takes care of me like a Queen. He cares so deeply and for the first time in years I’m part of a team. He has my back. God only knows what would have happened if I was still with the ex. It’s not a myth, it’s real, you don’t have to accept this misery!

And the brain tumour thing- just ha shown me how short life is. It really is way too precious to be living in unhappiness. Go grab your happiness, you sound lovely. You deserve someone lovely. Ok I’ll shut up now! X

Sounds like a psychopath. Leave him. Now.

From personal experience, listen very carefully!! People tell you who they are!! Listen to them!!

He is an unapologetic narcissist.

Run!!

The longer you stay in this relationship the longer it will take to recover and heal.

Get help first. He will hunt you down and bully you until he moves on to his next victim.

Check out Dr Ramani on YouTube ...

Surround yourself with good friends who can help you! (Not mutual friends of his.)

Good luck!

Worrying. He sounds quite cruel & uncaring. If he can change into a caring & considerate man then stay with him. If not, then you are better off without him.

It worries me that you said he “accidentally” dropped a knife on you - do you think it was deliberate? He may be escalating his behaviour, pushing you for a response or re-asserting his control.

That kind of behaviour can escalate quickly into violence.

In your shoes I would seriously make plans to leave, but do it carefully and in secret.

Wow - you poor thing. What a lot to process. Look up psychopath - he has all the hallmarks. You really need to leave before it gets worse. I suspect one day you will look back and realise you were more unhappy in your marriage than you thought. People like this can be very clever and controlling. Grieve for the marriage you thought you had but go and be safe and happy. Huge hugs and very best of luck. xx

Good luck to you OP xxx

My ex husband was very much like this. Almost identical personality traits. He had his own excuses relating to his mother but eventually I realised that he would never change and could never be happy. I left. It was a tough 18 months while everything got sorted but I am now free to be kind, loving, peaceful and happy in my life and towards those around me (who I choose slowly and very carefully!). Life can be very good and we all deserve that.

I was in a similar situation I got a chest infection and my husband was really mean on holiday with friends. That and various other things/red flags. So I left. Just over a year ago with two small kids but I couldn’t ignore my intuition any longer it just kept bubbling up to the surface. It’s been a difficult year but I’m slowly starting to turn the corner. Like yours mine was incapable of loving but kind of lured me in. I felt I deserved way more. I don’t have that right now but I’m Confident I Will one day. With the right person. We all deserve a second chance :) good luck!

You aren’t being unreasonable, he’s a narcissist, get out

I second that he suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, although " suffer" is the wrong word. As others have said it will only get worse. Remember that somebody with this personality disorder ( usually men, often in demanding jobs) is unable to keep up the charming act forever. The mask usually slips when other pressures occur, in your case the lock down, in my case it was the bailiffs knocking on the door which meant he had to admit to his huge debts of which I had no idea. I now know that his principal motivation for being with me was not love, but financial gain, born from a huge sense of entitlement. Narcissists are very manipulative and it took me nearly 14 years to understand what was really going on.
If anything, your specimen sounds even worse than mine as he is aware of what he's really like ( the " I was a bully at school" story). Usually narcissists get very, very nasty at the point when they realise that their facade has crumbled, but yours doesn't even care about that which makes him a dangerous bully. Finally, please also remember that there is medical consensus that this kind of narcissism is untreatable. So please don't waste any more years on something that can't be fixed and which will damage you more and more in the process.

Alarm bells ringing for me also. My ex scored high on a psychopath test. I said it was just a test for a laugh but I had my concerns about him so was expecting that result. He was also a bully who lacked empathy and got angry when I was ill or hurt myself.
He also forewarned me of his true nature in a sense by saying that I didn’t know what he was capable of and he would tell me all of the things he had done to other people over the years. He said he was jealous of my nice childhood and how I was such a nice smiley happy person. He started getting snidey towards me in front of other people, finding ways to put me down, his verbal attacks got more personal and his moods got lengthier. His mask had finally slipped.

That resentment in him grew and five years later (I knew something bad was brewing) he finally unleashed his inner pent up fury on me over something so trivial I still find it unbelievable. The police told me I had been very lucky.

Op, I do hope you go. Their apologies mean nothing. They are just empty words. He even fits the bill with how he apologises! He has said sorry but has gone on to point out your flaws because it balances out his own behaviour in his head. Absolute classic.

Leave before things get worse. Sounds manipulative and controlling. It's not easy to make that decision to leave but you must. There are people to help you. I was married to a sociopath for 13 years. He will never change.

HE bullied someone ELSE as a kid - and "made their life a living hell". The guy displays all the signs of being a sociopath and I would steer well clear. He might even be dangerous.

You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally and who treats you with respect. I fear that if you stay, his behaviour will just worsen and you won't ever be happy. If you leave, it will be hard but you'll recover and life will be better. Good luck

I'm so sorry to hear about this - you must be devastated. If you think that there's any way you can salvage the relationship then you could ask him if he would think about seeing a relationship counsellor with you. He will probably be horrified by this suggestion but at least you can say you made one final attempt to put things right.

Fundamentally I agree with everyone else - it sounds as if he's unsuited to intimate relationships (but didn't bother to tell you this until now) and the best thing for you to do is to tell yourself (again and again) you deserve better and try to pick up the pieces and move on. I had a very positive experience of counselling helping me through a low patch so would recommend it if possible.

Good luck

Just thought I'd check in to let you all know I'm OK. My mum's casually coming later to pick me up to stay for "a few days" and I can't drive because I'm "taking codeine". Luckily, I have a knackered achilles tendon which I've taken pain relief for in the past. The annoying thing is it actually stings my moral compass to lie. I don't like doing it and asked the big guy upstairs to let me off this time!

He's ramped up the "niceness" in the last 24 hours. He doesn't realise but I've heard him muttering to himself about what would be minor things to most other people when he thinks I can't hear.

Thanks for checking in, OP. Be sure to check out of that relationship as soon as you can.

Good luck for today, so pleased to hear your mum is coming to collect you. I understand this must have been a massive shock but you’re doing the right thing leaving. He won’t change, this is who he is. I bet once you think back there will be lots of odd/horrible things he said or did that you ignored at the time. Don’t ignore them anymore, write them all down, talk to your mum and know that it wasn’t ever you, it’s him. Maybe see about some counselling for you to get your head around it all. He sounds horrible

I feel he’s probably tired of the relationship or fell for someone and has been looking for a way to get out or excuses, but he couldn’t because you are too nice, so he’s looking for excuses with himself by c ok aiming to be a bully and incapable of love. Let him know you’re not happy to live your life like that, make solid plans and leave now 💕

Great news to hear you are leaving. Please take as many relevant papers with you as possible ( passport, marriage certificate, credit cards etc) as well as the most important personal effects and your laptop. In other words: Prepare for the first step of leaving permanently. If he is on the premises when your mother comes to collect you, get the things together in her presence. I wager that he won't do anything nasty in front of your mother. Good luck and please keep us posted. x

So glad to hear you're going to your mother's. And do not think of it as lying - it's self-defence.

@Bereft89
Its not a lie! Its your safety. Im just so glad your getting out straightaway now you have realised.

I was in an abusive relationship for 16 years before I finally left with my children by him.

I am just so relieved your getting out now. It doesn't sound as if you have children which makes it easier to leave.

Its not easy but its a hell of alot easier than staying as it will only get worse.

As others have said make sure you have all your personal items with you like passport, drivers licence and so on. They are easy to slip into a bag without him knowing.

Once he realises your not coming back he will likely change the locks so that's why I'm saying this.

You need your personal stuff out of there. Drag your suitcase out and take as much personal clothing make up etc with you too.

He won't realise as women alwsya take too much away with them according ro my 2nd husband 😆

Good luck and may the God/higher power you do or do not understand go with you. You deserve happiness and you deserve to be safe

Please keep us up to date on how you sre if you can

Thanks for checking in. I'm sorry you have to lie, but it's for your safety.

I'm glad to hear your mum is coming for you later. Good luck!