To think I was conned into my marriage?

[Bereft89]

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if I'm losing my mind or what.

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He was fairly charming at first, there were a few possible red flags at the beginning but nothing obvious. He appeared to just be a bit of a chronic bachelor. He liked his own space, a bit moody with me sometimes and had a bit of a verbal temper - again nothing major, he just got a bit shirty every now and then but he had a demanding job.

I know you probably know where this is going...

He became more demanding and his mood swings would be more frequent, he'd say things he "didn't mean" and be full of excuses/apologies. I was fairly new to relationships and thought that maybe this was how some people were.

18 months ago I got a really bad case of flu, I was hospitalized but instead of being worried or looking after me he just ignored me - started stonewalling me. He seemed almost annoyed I was ill. I questioned this and he said he found it stressful but he never worried about things like that

I recovered and things seemed to pick up, until lockdown happened. He's been verbally mean almost daily. It's not always something that would be obvious to outsiders - snidey comments etc.

Fast-forward to tonight and I finally plucked up the courage to confront him about it and he apologised.

He then said to me that he hated me sometimes because I was nice and kind. He wanted to be married to me but he isn't capable of feeling real love. He then went on to tell me that when he was in secondary school that when he was 15-16 he severely bullied a kid and made his life a living hell - his exact words.

I literally, I just, what the fuck?!? How do I, I don't even know what I do with this. I'm just sat on my sofa thinking what the hell do I do now.

It's not too late, but he needs to acknowledge and want to get help, and you would have to support him

If the issue is personality disorder then there is no current treatment or medication. Brain scans show the differences in areas responsible for empathy and it is not known what causes it, the current thought is nurture and nature.

I stayed for years, each cycle got worse. The apology is probadly a learned response, after he bullied someone he would be told to say Sorry but never
felt it genuinely.

The instances of sociopath/cluster b personality is quite high in society but since they don't seek treatment it is not known. Too many women on here have identical experiences for this to be rare.

In my case I believe Ex H has NPD, in his mind everyone is an asset, subordinate or enemy. An asset, which is a partner who has money, status, attractiveness or social skills will always become an enemy at such stage.

Sounds like he is depressed and possibly quite self absorbed. Perhaps the relationship might improve if you do a lot of things separately and then enjoy the time together more. Otherwise, might be time to call it a day.

@Sparklykittycat

Wow! Sounds exactly like an ex of mine! He was a Virgo and had every single trait you listed, loved the bachelor ideology and his car but was extremely ocd/perfectionist in everything he put his hand to. Needless to say it was a little overwhelming and we went our separate ways

Please don’t put this behaviour down to ‘star signs’

(And as a Virgo myself, I find your comparison of us to the OP’s sociopathic DH, highly offensive and incorrect).

OP, I’m so glad you’ve spoken to your DM. It’s good to know you have support there. I agree with many here in that your DH’s behaviour sounds sociopathic/narcissistic. You deserve so much better than being treated like this.

People can fool you for years. Sometimes those red flags, don’t seem all that red, because I think we can convince ourselves otherwise and make excuses for them, because we love that person. I know I’ve done it in relationships!

You actually sound pretty strong to me. Because you’ve already decided that this marriage can go no further. And that takes guts to admit that, because it can be bloody hard to!

Get yourself to your DM’s and have yourself some well needed space and thinking time to plan your next steps

Hugs OP
He has told you who he is - believe him.
Please DONT discuss or confide your feelings with him from now on, you need to keep things calm and bland.
The knife dropping incident is a red flag-he is warning you he could harm you.
If he gets any more hints you are planning to end the relationship this could escalate very quickly.
You need to make plans to leave the relationship, as quickly but safely as possible. Lots of info on previous threads about what to do, I won't repeat them

I have been with my husband for 11 years. Few years ago he said that he was bullied badly at school. Whatever I said and do for him was bully in his mind. He wouldn't do anything I ask or tell him..He told me that he thought that I was telling him what to do. He is having therapy for 2 years now and has not change a bit. Bullying not a issue here. This type of people will not make anyone happy. They are narcissistic and will turn anything aganist you. I have been hell with my husband, full of excuses and apology. And the guslighting.. I am finally divorcing my husband and finally can see his true face . And sadly see that he would never make anyone happy...

Before all of this I always used to think, I will put my hands up and admit to it - "How didn't they see?" You don't see because there's nothing really to "see" - it's not like people hold up a sign saying "I am X" or "I am Y". The red flags you see appear as more of a pinky colour than can be put down to any number of things and sometimes as some of the posters have said - it can be things such as depression, anxiety etc but sometimes it's more than that and it's not a case of "Here's these pills Mr Jones, in six weeks you'll feel better".

@ChiaraRimini Don't worry I have been. Obviously I couldn't be preppy straight away as that would have looked weird.

OP I've read all your posts, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be dreadful. The accidentally dropping knife on your foot screams GET OUT NOW!

Take all your essentials - passport, driving licence if you have one, birth and marriage certificates, other personal papers, all bank account details especially joint accounts. Just go to your mum's ASAP. Don't pre-warn him, just pack and go as soon as he's out, preferably tonight if you can and he's distracted.

I really hope you're safe.

Act like nothing is wrong and leave tonight, make up a family emergency and get your DM to get you, whatever it takes so you’re no longer alone with him. Good luck OP.

I have been with my husband for 11 years. Few years ago he said that he was bullied badly at school. Whatever I said and do for him was bully in his mind. He wouldn't do anything I ask or tell him..He told me that he thought that I was telling him what to do. He is having therapy for 2 years now and has not change a bit. Bullying not a issue here. This type of people will not make anyone happy. They are narcissistic and will turn anything aganist you. I have been hell with my husband, full of excuses and apology. And the guslighting.. I am finally divorcing my husband and finally can see his true face . And sadly see that he would never make anyone happy...

What are his family like .... I wonder why he felt the need to have a relationship and marry if he knows the person he is?
But you aren’t a therapist and it’s not for you to fix him..
Put yourself first ... and make sure your friends and family know what is going on so they can support you

Pack your bags.
This sounds like years worth of therapy for him initially and for you in the long run.
If it's not worth it, get out now.

I won’t bore you with my history, but I will say this...
He isn’t kind to you. He won’t change & you deserve to be happy.
You can start again. It might take a little while, but you will. You deserve so much more.
Good luck x

I’d get out while you can. Believe me, if you ever decide to have children this will get worse. I narrowly escaped marrying someone like this, and I thank my lucky stars every day that I found the god damn common sense not to try and ‘fix him’
Please leave him.

Please let us know you get out okay. It’s very troubling what you have shared.

This has really concerned me and made me glad to be single. I’ve had my fair share of scary men so all I can say is get out as soon as you can. If your mum drives, arrange for her to just turn up and ask you over, then don’t go back apart from to collect the rest of your belongings and don’t do it alone at any point. You sound very calm and collected so it shows strength, just please stay safe.

He told you he sometimes hates you ?

It’s over, get out now. As husband and wife if it ever gets to the point of hate it’s time to call it a day

Good luck and look after yourself x

My husband exact same. My ex cheating sister was the cause and I was punished because I was flipping to nice. I’d hit him. That’s what I had to do. Threaten the bullying little crap with divorce. He’s guilty of the other I think

OP you are doing amazingly well. Please get yourself to safety as soon as you can.

@AdoptedAWholeLoadOfShit

I don’t think you should call quits on your marriage. I think he does love you but his experiences has meant he hasn’t been able to move past the bullying. He needs support and the first port of call is your GP but go prepared for being clear in what you need.

I didn’t know what we needed for our son who’s development was arrested after a trauma. He’s making fantastic progress since we pushed for psychotherapy after I read about a similar case.

You married him “for better or for worse” and now you know the worse you can work towards the better.

Stay strong. xx

You need to reread the OP. Her husband wasn't bullied at school, he was the bully and admits to having made another child's life a misery.

He's been subtly mistreating the OP during the whole of their marriage and has shown no empathy towards her, this latest incident was him being honest with her, he isn't capable of love and sometimes hates her for being a nice person.

These aren't the kind of things you can work on, some people don't want help. And she isn't his mother, she doesn't have the same obligation to him that you have towards your son.

I think me being calm is one of the things that annoys him, in fact I remember when we had not been together that long he made a comment, which admittedly I took for a joke about how I was irritatingly calm, he kind of said it with a chuckle but now I look back I think - he wasn't joking.

For the poster that asked about his family. His parents are a little strange. His Mum obviously rules the roost. They are quite anti social - they don't make small talk. His middle younger brother is the same. His youngest brother is lovely. He so obviously adores his wife and their daughter. I can tell even just by the way he looks at them.

OP he sounds like mix or my ex husband and my current partner I'm sorting to leave! I had emergency c-section my ex husband told me it was a minor operation and that ALL health care professionals were simply humouring me by telling me to lift stuff for 6 weeks and that its like a small cut you get on your hand once scabbed over its all healed! Used to laugh when our son got hurt and even told me that his wife died (me) I said excuse me? He went on to say his wife went into hospital and I came out with that (meaning our son) suffice to say I divorced him and he hasn't seen our son in 9 years (his choice). My current partner is very controlling and despite continued discussions about our, unhealthy relationship and that I feel its best we move out, apparently he's upset with me with saying negative stuff about him.
In short OP get out now and divorce him x

Took me 23 years of being nice with a constant broken heart because of that runt. Now I don’t like the way I am. I frighten him with my tongue, you do need to leave to save your heart and your sanity. It’s hard I know but trust me, if you leave it you never will leave and live in silent torment and anguish

Look at the freedom programme- there are videos on YouTube. I was in denial that my ex husband was a narcissist until I went on the freedom program and then it became clear who he was and how he would ever change. Be calm it gets better when you leave them. All the best.

I read Mumsnet often but I rarely post. But I was so concerned by what you have said. I think you need to consider how to move forward. Lockdown has obviously crystallised things for him. And that is not good. You need to work out what you can do to move forward given what you now know. I am afraid it will mean difficult decisions for you but there are people who can help you to make them and who can support you. If there is not immediate danger to you, I think you should start with your GP. They will be able to offer you some support and also contacts. My very best wishes to you as this will not be easy.