AIBU or are grandparents being ridiculous?

[Thesaltandthesea]

First world issue. I am very hot and very pregnant and have been feeling very unreasonable all day.

DD8 has a wetsuit she bought with her own pocket money. She keeps it at my mum's house because they’ve taken her sea swimming a few times recently. She wants to go sea swimming tonight with her two best friends (and adults, all competent swimmers). She phoned my mum to check they were in so we could go pick it up along with her bodyboard. My mum was like “yeah that’s fine” and then her husband shouted in the background “no it’s not fine she needs to keep it here”. Cue floods of tears from DD and my mum hanging up and refusing to answer the phone.

1. I’m having to deal with the fallout of an upset DD who has been looking forward to seeing her friends for the first time in months all day
2. I need to explain to DD's friend's mums that her grandparents won't let her have her wetsuit
3. We cannot find anywhere locally with a wetsuit in stock (not that I feel we should be replacing it - no 8 year old needs 2 wetsuits ffs!)
4. I’m convinced my mums husband is very controlling. Not saying my mum is in anyway blameless but this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

So, am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off about this or are they being hideously unfair?

They’re cheap as chips in Tesco at the moment, go and get her another one if you don’t like confrontation - don’t have them controlling anything. Weird.

Well done for sticking up for your kid and not enabling your stepfather. You did not create drama. Your Mum has chosen to stay with him all this time - until she finds the courage to leave, all you can ever do is pledge support from afar. Do not engage and future contact ought to be neutral ground or her at yours.

You asked for a wetsuit that is yours and went to collect it. What drama???

Glad your Husband went round and collected it.
Your Mother and her frightful husband sound like completely unreasonable people..Especially her husband.

What a controlling horrid man.

Who on earth asks for money when a grandchild visits for a sleepover?
He sounds like a mean spirited unpleasant person.

You've done the exact right thing. You've shown the old bastard that YOU will not be controlled, you've shown your DD that she is #1 and that she doesn't have to put up with crap from a man. You've told your mother that her husband is controlling, you didn't 'start' anything and that if she needs you all she has to do is call. Perfect.

Perhaps he did force her to send the 'you started it' text. But it was still her choice to do so. She could have called OP for help and then walked out of the house. She still has that option.

Hope your DD had a lovely time at the sea.

@BluebellsGreenbells

How can asking for a child’s wetsuit be confrontational?

Hi we’ve come to pick up DDs suit, well she want to use her suit, thanks.

No drake needed

Go girl!

There's a huge lack of understanding about coercive control on this thread.

Victims of this type of abuse do not choose to allow it to happen. They are brainwashed into thinking that everything is their fault and they deserve what they are getting. The abuser deliberately creates conflict between them and their friends and family in order to isolate them and prevent them from receiving the support they need to leave.

It's very difficult to help someone in this situation and all you can do is make sure they know that you understand what is happening and will be there for them when they are ready to leave. That message could be their only lifeline - literally.

It is important to recognise the abuser's voice in the communications you receive from the victim.

The OP is absolutely right to withdraw her child from this situation but she needs to be aware that her mother will not automatically come running unless she feels confident that she will be supported.

Many, many strong, articulate and intelligent people stay in abusive relationships for their whole lives because they believe that they deserve nothing else and they are convinced that nobody will beleive or helps them.

Perhaps he did force her to send the 'you started it' text. But it was still her choice to do so. She could have called OP for help and then walked out of the house. She still has that option.

I've no personal experience of this, but I assume people don't leave abusive relationships that easily. The power and control of the abuser is not that easy to walk away from. If it was, then they wouldn't have control.

I think it's worth trying to subvert your mum's husband's attempts to isolate her from you, by maintaining some communication with her / inviting her over when he's doing something else.

@Meltingnotsleeping

There's a huge lack of understanding about coercive control on this thread.

Victims of this type of abuse do not choose to allow it to happen. They are brainwashed into thinking that everything is their fault and they deserve what they are getting. The abuser deliberately creates conflict between them and their friends and family in order to isolate them and prevent them from receiving the support they need to leave.

It's very difficult to help someone in this situation and all you can do is make sure they know that you understand what is happening and will be there for them when they are ready to leave. That message could be their only lifeline - literally.

It is important to recognise the abuser's voice in the communications you receive from the victim.

The OP is absolutely right to withdraw her child from this situation but she needs to be aware that her mother will not automatically come running unless she feels confident that she will be supported.

Many, many strong, articulate and intelligent people stay in abusive relationships for their whole lives because they believe that they deserve nothing else and they are convinced that nobody will beleive or helps them.

Totally agree! The op has said her door is open and I think that is the only thing she can do.

As terrible it must be for her mum to be in this relationship and while there is every chance that her "why are you starting drama?" message may have been architected by the partner, it is completely wrong for the op to make nice with the partner by "sitting through a few uncomfortable visits". Aside from sending an irresponsible message to her dd that this is an acceptable way for men to treat women, it also sends the wrong message to her mum that her relationship is ok. The op did exactly the right thing, not just for herself and her dcs, but also for her mum imo. At least now, if her mum manages to get out if this relationship, she will know she has support. So much worse if the op makes nice and acts like everything is fine and never mentions there is a problem. Not only would that endanger her dd, her DS and her dc on the way, but it would actually endanger her mum too.

@Meltingnotsleeping

Brilliant post.

The op has said her door is open and I think that is the only thing she can do.

I think she can also try to see your mother (obvs without DD) and actively maintain a relationship, turn up occasionally.
I think it is perfectly acceptable to be civil to someone (him) and still make it obvisous that you are not engaging and not tolerating his BS.

@sillysmiles

I have been in an abusive relationship and I got out. Part of the 'wake up call' was when others in my life told me they loved me but that they would no longer support me in staying by appeasing him or giving me sympathy when he 'acted up'. People who tiptoe around an abuser for the sake of the victim or offer sympathy to the victim often aren't doing them any favours.

I'm not saying to antagonize the abuser, just to let the victim know that they are making a conscious decision to stay and that they do have other options and you will do your best to help them get out and stay out. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But at least the victim knows they have choices.

@sillysmiles

The op has said her door is open and I think that is the only thing she can do.

I think she can also try to see your mother (obvs without DD) and actively maintain a relationship, turn up occasionally.
I think it is perfectly acceptable to be civil to someone (him) and still make it obvisous that you are not engaging and not tolerating his BS.

I strongly disagree.

But that doesn't really matter. The person who actually has to deal with this is the op and I think she has handled it really well in the circumstances.

In the nicest possible way, your opinion doesn't matter all that much and I don't think this is the right thread to be making your point, after the op has dealt with it already and done a good job.

@AcrossthePond55. Very true. I think it should be possible to say I'm not listening to his crap anymore but I'll meet you for coffee on Thursday. That is different to not contacting someone. I think you have to make it clear to the victim that it is the abuser you are not tolerating, not both of them as a couple. Otherwise I think the abuser will use it as a rod to show the victim how "worthless" they are and "how lucky they are to have him".

1/ it’s your child’s wetsuit 2/ why the hell is this man saying your child can’t have it, 3/ Why don’t you go and pick it up

[quote sillysmiles]@AcrossthePond55. Very true. I think it should be possible to say I'm not listening to his crap anymore but I'll meet you for coffee on Thursday. That is different to not contacting someone. I think you have to make it clear to the victim that it is the abuser you are not tolerating, not both of them as a couple. Otherwise I think the abuser will use it as a rod to show the victim how "worthless" they are and "how lucky they are to have him".[/quote]
You literally just said she should continue a civil relationship with this abusive twunt .

Just seen your husband went to collect it

@SomeWateryTart
Honestly, I don't think anyone's opinions matter much in the grand scheme of things other than the OPs - yours included. But you know what, this is a public forum, and everyone can give their opinion. That is how these things work.
And if the OP reads through everything and takes bits and pieces from everyone or no one, that's up to her.
Personally I think @Meltingnotsleeping description of coercive control is important.

Out of interest, why to you disagree that she should try to see her mother?

You did good OP. It was a crazy situation and it’s done. Big gin and early night.

you literally just said she should continue a civil relationship with this abusive twunt
No I've said she should try to continue a relationship with her mother, not her mother's partner.

@sillysmiles

you literally just said she should continue a civil relationship with this abusive twunt No I've said she should try to continue a relationship with her mother, not her mother's partner.

What was "calling round and being civil" to the dp supposed to mean then?

My opinion matters no more than yours, but since you are contradicting what the op has decided to do and since she is probably feeling quite vulnerable just now; she's pregnant, she hates confrontation, she has had to confront a bully and her own mum, (who may not know what she's doing tbf), has had a go at her for causing drama.

She isn't cutting her mum out.

You are still banging on because you care so much about winning an argument for sport on here that you have forgotten the op is a real person who might need some support just now.

So, with respect, I think your irrelevant opinion is more damaging than my equally irrelevant one 🤷‍♀️.

How can asking for a child’s wetsuit be confrontational?

It can be confrontational if the controlling "Master of the House" makes it confrontational.

He sounds awful! Your poor DD.

Well done getting the wetsuit. You weren’t being unreasonable and you didn’t create any drama the psycho husband did. I don’t understand their reason being they bought it, even if they did, so what? It’s not gonna fit either of them they bought it for your DD. Your mums husband sounds deranged, steer clear as much as possible, let your mum come to you for visits. Good luck

It would be the last time they saw the wetsuit if she was my daughter, and if the husband kicked up a stink it would be the last time he saw my daughter.

I'm afraid I would be thinking along these lines - but I'd be worried sick about my DM stuck with this horrible man. But your DD needs to learn that you don't let bullies win in situations like this.

It may be that you have to pick your battles. Can your DM come to your home to see your DD, rather than her go to his? Or will her husband put the block on this, too?