AIBU or are grandparents being ridiculous?

[Thesaltandthesea]

First world issue. I am very hot and very pregnant and have been feeling very unreasonable all day.

DD8 has a wetsuit she bought with her own pocket money. She keeps it at my mum's house because they’ve taken her sea swimming a few times recently. She wants to go sea swimming tonight with her two best friends (and adults, all competent swimmers). She phoned my mum to check they were in so we could go pick it up along with her bodyboard. My mum was like “yeah that’s fine” and then her husband shouted in the background “no it’s not fine she needs to keep it here”. Cue floods of tears from DD and my mum hanging up and refusing to answer the phone.

1. I’m having to deal with the fallout of an upset DD who has been looking forward to seeing her friends for the first time in months all day
2. I need to explain to DD's friend's mums that her grandparents won't let her have her wetsuit
3. We cannot find anywhere locally with a wetsuit in stock (not that I feel we should be replacing it - no 8 year old needs 2 wetsuits ffs!)
4. I’m convinced my mums husband is very controlling. Not saying my mum is in anyway blameless but this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.

So, am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off about this or are they being hideously unfair?

he sent me a message saying I would need to transfer them money if I wanted them to look after her
I'd make him suffer as much as I could if he was part of my family, play the long game and destroy the c*

@Thesaltandthesea

DH has collected the wetsuit. My mum has sent me a message saying WE have created a drama for no reason. I've replied stating she knows where we are if she needs anything but I'm not prepared for me or my DC to keep being on the receiving end of her husband's behaviour.

As PP stated, lots of issues here and I have no idea how to move forwards with this other than to cut contact for a while. Luckily I have fab ILs and my dad and step mum are amazing.

In a similar situation we cut contact with the children outside of our home

Once a week I sent a message inviting my relative round or to the park. Most of the time they declined, but it kept the channels of communication open

Anytime they mentioned their husband I simply said "I love you. I'm not prepared to have him in my children's lives because he has shown he can't treat them kindly or fairly."

It took a long time before they left, but I was one of the people they felt able to ask for help to leave when the time came.

That said do not feel guilty if you cannot keep the channel open. Sadly there comes a time in an abusive relationship where you have to prioritise your children.

How did you create a drama , they are the ones who were making a fuss . It sounds like your children have lots of lovely GPs in their lives so there is really no reason to expose them to this toxicity .

Good! Now when she out-grows it, she’ll be able to sell it and by herself a bigger one (or something else) with the money! It’s hers, they’ve no right.

There is something not right about him.
You have to keep your daughter safe and away from him

A good update OP; I hope your daughter enjoys her swim.

Ring the police. It's your child's property. They won't give it back. Theft. Simple as.

If you want to go down that route

The op isn't responsible for getting her mum out of an abusive relationship though. She hasn't cut ties. She has set a perfectly reasonable boundary.

I actually think it's pretty shitty of some posters on here laying this responsibility at the OP's door when her dcs have already suffered as a result of her mum's unfortunate choices.

OP, I think you've done the right thing by saying your door is always open to your mum, but that you don't want to see the dp.

On MN, there are always the "well I'm a superhero and I would have fixed everything no bother" comments. You have done as much as any reasonable person would expect you to do. And you really don't need the 'helpful' comments from the superheroes on here when you are pregnant, you have already said it is a complicated family history and you have just had to engage in confrontation which you have said you find stressful.

Honestly, shame on you some of the posters on here . Go and fix everything yourself and get off the OP's case will you?

What a horrible man. I'm glad you have the wetsuit. Don't cut your mum off but try and get an honest conversation with her alone at some point. If you're concerned about her, tell her. Tell her your door will always be open but that you're concerned about the impact on your children.

You should listen to your dh. Minimise contact now before the children get affected & notice one of them isn’t good enough.

You don’t get to control everyone’s lives like he wants to.

Cross posted with you OP, glad your dh got the wet suit and great response to your mum, wise to leave it there and cut contact for the time being.

Good to know you have fab in laws and an amazing dad and step mum.

Yes @lyralalala I think you got the balance perfect. Protect your children OP but don't shut the door on your mum forever. Do what Lyra did:

In a similar situation we cut contact with the children outside of our home

Once a week I sent a message inviting my relative round or to the park. Most of the time they declined, but it kept the channels of communication open

Anytime they mentioned their husband I simply said "I love you. I'm not prepared to have him in my children's lives because he has shown he can't treat them kindly or fairly."

It took a long time before they left, but I was one of the people they felt able to ask for help to leave when the time came.

@SomeWateryTart I think anyone in an abusive relationship needs a support network and needs people in their corner.
There is no "saving" anyone. You can't save people imo, but you can keep pulling away and calmly pointing out the restrictions their partners are putting on their lives.

I feel very sorry for your mum. Perhaps you could help her with an exit plan

@Pasghetti

Yes *@lyralalala* I think you got the balance perfect. Protect your children OP but don't shut the door on your mum forever. Do what Lyra did:

In a similar situation we cut contact with the children outside of our home

Once a week I sent a message inviting my relative round or to the park. Most of the time they declined, but it kept the channels of communication open

Anytime they mentioned their husband I simply said "I love you. I'm not prepared to have him in my children's lives because he has shown he can't treat them kindly or fairly."

It took a long time before they left, but I was one of the people they felt able to ask for help to leave when the time came.

Agree! And it is very telling that when they did manage to leave, they knew it was safe to tell lyra. I imagine how difficult it would be, having to face people who have pretended it's all fine, say through the visits as if nothing is happening, because then you'd feel as if you have to explain the whole thing at a time when you're already vulnerable.

Sat*

Have a mil with a dh like this.

He used to try his passive aggressive and controlling behaviour on us till I told him to sod off.

I used to feel sorry for my mil however over the years she has chosen to facilitate and enable his behaviour to the point she has no say in anything at all.

I remind dh that's not our problem and I'm not putting up with and enabling his shit because hats what she chose to do.

You did the right thing op

@Pasghetti

Yes *@lyralalala* I think you got the balance perfect. Protect your children OP but don't shut the door on your mum forever. Do what Lyra did:

In a similar situation we cut contact with the children outside of our home

Once a week I sent a message inviting my relative round or to the park. Most of the time they declined, but it kept the channels of communication open

Anytime they mentioned their husband I simply said "I love you. I'm not prepared to have him in my children's lives because he has shown he can't treat them kindly or fairly."

It took a long time before they left, but I was one of the people they felt able to ask for help to leave when the time came.

I did have the benefit (for want of a better word) of spending the first 7 years of my life in an abusive household so I know how these men work, and I also know that there's no point in trying to persuade someone to leave until they are ready

@Thesaltandthesea Whatever you do please bear in mind that your DD has heard her step-grandfather behave like this, and has probably witnessed little comments and the likes before

Please make sure she knows that that's not how good men treat their partners or their families. Don't assume she knows. These men are very charming and plausible and she will be confused.

It doesn't have to be complicated "Mummy and Daddy don't like the way X made you cry with his mean behaviour so we're not seeing him", but just make sure she knows that any drop in contact is because of his behaviour and nothing that she has done

Gaslighting and controlling - best you step back for a while and your mum will
Come running I'm sure. Don't let that idiot husband of hers wiggle his way in though - what an arse!

I think you all handled it very well op. It's so hard when someone you love is in an abusive relationship.

Incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking but you cannot sacrifice dcs well-being to that

DH has collected the wetsuit.

Brilliant news.. good on you

My mum has sent me a message saying WE have created a drama for no reason

You Mother is complicit... cut contact

I've replied stating she knows where we are if she needs anything but I'm not prepared for me or my DC to keep being on the receiving end of her husband's behaviour.

good on you.. now go take it easy and relax... you're pregnant and must chill

Just to add to the voices saying I think you have handled this so well in the circumstances op .

*"My mum has sent me a message saying WE have created a drama for no reason

You Mother is complicit... cut contact"*

Well of course it's possible that she was forced to send the message, or that he sent it from her phone.

Either way, I think that all Op can do us "leave the door open" for her mum.

The abuse/control is trickling down to an 8yr old so has to be stopped.

I know this is upsetting for you but I think it's a blessing for you daughter. Alone in a house with an abusive, non-related man and a grandmother who won't stand up for her? Quite a chilling thought.