Husband’s in high demand to do freebie work for others

[DBML]

My husband is very handy. Great at practical jobs; painting and decorating; tiling; flooring siliconing; and overall a bit of a perfectionist. It’s wonderful having such a talented husband as our home is lovely and we don’t have to pay anyone for the luxury of that.

However, his work does not go un-noticed and family and friends are starting to ask for dh to go and do for for them on his days off.

For instance, his brother needs his bathroom tiled, grouted and siliconed and asked for DH’s help...which translates to DH doing it. He obviously does it for free, but doesn’t even get a bottle of beer as a thank you. It’s just expected.

DH’s friend also needs ‘help’ with tiling his house with brick slips. So not small jobs.

DH is so good natured and happy to help, he just does it. But it means that on days we have off together, I’m sat at home on my own. Yes, I could go out and do stuff by myself, but damn-it, I like spending time with my husband and don’t appreciate him coming home tired; filthy and with an aching back.

He’s off to another relative tomorrow and I’m pissed off, so I’ve told him that I’d like to do something tomorrow. He’s already agreed to help, so doesn’t want to let the person down. He doesn’t understand why I’m so annoyed.

AIBU?

I would help my relatives or close friends out, passing acquaintances not so much.

It’s always relatives or close friends...but the jobs are so big. I mean, you’d have to pay thousands to have them done professionally for a reason!

You’re not unreasonable to get pissed off, but you are unreasonable to ask him to renege on a promise he’s already made. Tell him you understand that he wants to keep his commitment for tomorrow, but that you really want to him to dial the favours back in future so you can have more time together, and maybe ask him to consult with you before he offers to do any serious whole day favours.

That is really annoying. I think you need to start booking up his diary yourself so when people ask if he's free, you / he can say "No, I'm we've got plans that day / weekend ". They can't just expect him to drop everything in his own life.

That is actually the tact I’m taking. But I’m pissed off in my demeanour. He’s upset I’m upset. We rarely argue, so I guess he doesn’t realise what he’s done wrong. To him, he’s just being nice.

It’s only a recent thing really since we’ve done up our house, but over the past few months the requests for help are beginning to gain traction and I can see this becoming a regular occurrence.

One job he’s been asked to help out with will likely take a full week if not longer.

Good idea Flossie!

I thought this post was going to be about bee keeping, based on the title, and that your DH was a sought-after bee keeper.

Disappointing.

"Yes of course, friend / relative, let me pop over one evening this week and work out a quote for the work. I'm booking about 3 months ahead at the moment."

Sorted

He needs to learn to say NO, Unless he’s getting something in return, and to remember that no one appreciates anything they get for nothing, I used to spend hours Doing jobs for people, if you charge you feel obliged to then continue on whenever they have an issue, Then one day I asked a tradesman (friend) who I had done numerous freebies for to do some work on my house, he charged me the full amount and even charged me for a few nuts and bolts from his van Stock, never done anything for free since

Yes, your husband is being nice, but it's at the expense of your relationship, and you need to tell him this. He needs to learn how to say no or this generosity is going to damage your marriage.

I think he needs to keep his promise tomorrow but your annoyance is definitely valid.
People are so cheeky and completely disrespectful of his time - a bloody weeks work! and as for his brother not even giving him a bottle of something for helping with the tiling, I'm gobsmacked. Ugh.

Can you point out to him

OH - you spent x days doing your brother's bathroom. He does nothing in return and didn't even buy you a beer to say thank you.

You did friend's house and that took you x days. Did he even say thank you?

Now you're helping x and it's likely to take a week.

When is our time together? I love you and I don't want you to be spending all our free time helping others. Can we agree you'll do one weekend a month (or whatever you're happy with) and say no to the rest. If a job will take more time than this then you need to say no.

I thought you were complaining that he's a bee keeper and helps people out for free!!

Ask them just as directly for something in return, ideally something of a similar value. Eg
'Yes, that will probably be ok. Can you have the dc for the last fortnight in August, it would cost a fortune for a childminder'
'No problem, can you help me out with the usual weekly cleaning/ gardening/ ironing on Saturday? I have a few appointments to attend while dp is at your house'
'Could you drop a meal round? I'm not that much of a cook and takeaways aren't cheap'

Either they'll quickly realise they've been taking the piss and be grateful for the opportunity to return the favour, or they'll make it clear they see favours as a one way thing.

My husband is like this. He agrees mates' rates, but he won't work for free. A WEEK is ridiculous- he could be out earning during that time!

I think your husband sounds lovely. It's so nice helping others close to you. Could you maybe agree to talk before he commits, so at least then you can plan for things?

He needs to start charging for the jobs, that’s very unfair of his mates and family. They are taking advantage.

Oh gosh! Thank you for all the replies...I was sure you’d all call me heartless.

DH is a lovely man and if a relative said, ‘can you pop over and show me how to...’ or ‘can you start me off’ I’d be fine.

But often they don’t even stay in or it’s at a time that’s convenient to them e.g. in the afternoon/evening after a morning out with their family. He is so laid back, he just agrees and the mad thing is HE truly doesn’t mind.

As an aside, I must sound like a mad person here...I was in stitches over the bee-keeper thing! Sorry to cause disappointment...I’d be disappointed too!

Oh and if I asked any of them to babysit/ help us/ do something in return, we wouldn’t see them for months! They’d disappear in a flash.

@TrainspottingWelsh

Ask them just as directly for something in return, ideally something of a similar value. Eg 'Yes, that will probably be ok. Can you have the dc for the last fortnight in August, it would cost a fortune for a childminder' 'No problem, can you help me out with the usual weekly cleaning/ gardening/ ironing on Saturday? I have a few appointments to attend while dp is at your house' 'Could you drop a meal round? I'm not that much of a cook and takeaways aren't cheap'

Either they'll quickly realise they've been taking the piss and be grateful for the opportunity to return the favour, or they'll make it clear they see favours as a one way thing.

This, you'll soon find out who the CFs are.

I love my husband's generosity, but these people are abusing YOUR time with him too. Foot down time (after tomorrow!). He can blame "the missus" if it's easier.

People are taking your kind natured DH for a mug and not only is it taking up his time, it’s robbing you of time with your DH. You need to book out lots of time with him in his diary in advance. What he does with his free time after that is up to him.

This is my husband. He helps everyone with building, decking, gardening, you name it! I don't mind, he enjoys it and is good at it. It's up to him to set his own boundaries, he's an adult.

I do need to be assertive and say to him things like, no this Saturday doesn't work as I wanted us both to take the kids bike riding.

What does he do when you're direct and clear with him about alternative plans you have?

He needs to learn to say no.

I strongly believe that kindness begets kindness. If you go through life just doing stuff for yourself, don't be surprised when you don't have anyone to lean on when you need it. The happiest and most rewarded people are those who give.