Husband’s in high demand to do freebie work for others

[DBML]

My husband is very handy. Great at practical jobs; painting and decorating; tiling; flooring siliconing; and overall a bit of a perfectionist. It’s wonderful having such a talented husband as our home is lovely and we don’t have to pay anyone for the luxury of that.

However, his work does not go un-noticed and family and friends are starting to ask for dh to go and do for for them on his days off.

For instance, his brother needs his bathroom tiled, grouted and siliconed and asked for DH’s help...which translates to DH doing it. He obviously does it for free, but doesn’t even get a bottle of beer as a thank you. It’s just expected.

DH’s friend also needs ‘help’ with tiling his house with brick slips. So not small jobs.

DH is so good natured and happy to help, he just does it. But it means that on days we have off together, I’m sat at home on my own. Yes, I could go out and do stuff by myself, but damn-it, I like spending time with my husband and don’t appreciate him coming home tired; filthy and with an aching back.

He’s off to another relative tomorrow and I’m pissed off, so I’ve told him that I’d like to do something tomorrow. He’s already agreed to help, so doesn’t want to let the person down. He doesn’t understand why I’m so annoyed.

AIBU?

My husband is handy at everything aswell.
But your husband is too nice, and being taken advantage of. Tell him this.

People ask me to help them with their accounts and tax returns. I don't mind. But I expect a thank you, a bottle of wine!!

I know what you mean OP and it's really annoying. Slightly different but MIL used to have a stack of jobs for my DP whenever we went to see her, at one time there were 43 items on the list! As we were going she'd say "oh can you just do jobs 5, 8 and 29" or whatever and as we're a 3 hour drive away it's was difficult. Also we didn't want her to struggle as it's his DM. We then said we'd come for a week to finish all jobs (some were not small!) but could she look after our DCs for a week of the summer holidays. That put a stop to it - no more jobs!

Perhaps you could sort the CFs out by asking for something in return (childcare, something they can do to pay you back that would help). I think it would also be helpful if you and DH agreed what was coming up (part of the annoyance is the surprise of him going away to do something when you were expecting to spend time together) so it needs to be arranged in advance.
Bin off the ones that aren't close to you or who take the piss.
Arrange a few really nice things for you to do together (in advance) so you "book in" some time to yourself. Doesn't have to be massive and depends on what you like (could be a simple picnic where something lovely is bought and you go to a river). I have found that when you start laying on the lovely relationship stuff it reminds them not to commit to other people's jobs so quickly!

Does he work during the week too ?

you need to have a conversation with your dh about this for the future. Explain to dh that whilst its nice him helping his friends out - they are taking advantage and you'd like to spend the time with him as its important as a couple or family.

Next time someone asks dh if he can help can you get your dh to say

Love to help , which days are you looking at as Im going to have to ask wife what we have on the calendar to see if were free for me to do that.

if they say oh we will fit in with you, well Ill have to see when were free but I can't promise anything

OP,
You have every right to be upset.

Your husband has a problem saying NO regarding his time to everyone but YOU.

He has NO telling you he is not free to spend time with you.
I would come at it from that position and tell him he has some choices to make.

He can be free labour of all and sundry or he can spend time with his wife.

If he choices to continue to say NO to you.

Stop waiting around.
Do not have a meal for him and make his life a lot less comfortable.

He is choosing to be used by those around him at your expense.

I wouldn't accept being dismissed like that.

He doesn’t need to do anything of the sort. The only person passed off about it is the OP. She said he’s happy to help. Maybe he really enjoys doing these DIY projects in his spare time, like a hobby. Maybe he enjoys helping out his friends and family. If he wants to do it, why should the fact the OP thinks he is taken advantage of stop him?

I agree with this too. By all means, it seems fair to be frustrated at the amount of time he spends with you and the state he is in when he does find time (i.e. exhausted) - but it is up to him what he does about that, if anything.

BIL often helps us out with things indoors, we wouldn’t dream of asking him to give up his free time for nothing. Your friends and relatives are taking advantage of your DH’s good nature and he needs to learn to say no.

I hear you OP. My dh is similarly handy, and genuinely the ONLY time his family get in touch with him is when they want something painted/ tiled/ plastered/ picked up in the van/ dropped off somewhere.

He does most of these things, but the fact he can go months and months without hearing from his siblings or parents annoys the fucking life out of me.
He's not some skivvy to be called upon when the need arises!!

*Your husband has a problem saying NO regarding his time to everyone but YOU.

He has NO telling you he is not free to spend time with you.
I would come at it from that position and tell him he has some choices to make.

He can be free labour of all and sundry or he can spend time with his wife.

If he choices to continue to say NO to you.

Stop waiting around.
Do not have a meal for him and make his life a lot less comfortable.

He is choosing to be used by those around him at your expense.

I wouldn't accept being dismissed like that.
*

Totall agree.

THe problem with people being "nice" is that it is often at the expense of others. In this case the OP.

People who are a soft touch are deeply unattractive in my book.

My DP is very handy, he is a carpenter by trade and is very good at DIY.

He regularly does work for my parents (tiling floors, fitting doors etc). He does work for his parents but not so much as they like to pay professionals.

But his parents used to hire him out to all their friends (for no charge of course) and great swathes of weekends were lost.

Same as OP, people were more than happy for DP to tile their kitchen, fit new doors, fit a new kitchen but if we needed something we wouldnt see them for dust.

In the end DP got sick of himself and will only help family or very close friends.

Yes, kindness is nice but being taken for a mug is not. Like someone said, he was never offered a drink, was left on his own to do the work, expected to clear up everything, remove the rubbish etc. One CF even asked when he was going to get rid of the old bath and all the old tiles. He was helping them not running the project for them. He got sick of giving up his weekends to help friends who were not appreciative and when we needed help they were less than helpful.

I think the 'helping' rather than 'doing' is important. They're asking for 'help', so hold them to do that.

"Yes, I can come over for an hour on Sat morning."
"No, sorry I can't stay longer, we have plans that day, but I'll help you figure out how to do it properly."

Why would anyone assume he'll give up a week of his time for free? That's madness. If they're family/mates, perhaps he'll help for half a day. For which they should be grateful, not resentful that he can't do more.

we used to do stuff for friends, family, neighbours or even friends of friends.

but at one point it was like a lightbulb moment - we were on our knees busy (moving house) and not a single fucking person was available to help on any of 3 or 4 weekends we were moving boxes, not 1. it didn't require any skill, even just wrapping delicate items in paper for an hour would have meant we got to bed at 1am instead of 2am some nights (we were both working fulltime).

since then i always translate it into hours.

if someone expects free work (and some of these jobs like the op ran into thousands if you paid someone) i go one bigger and demand a favour back.. NO ONE has ever taken me up on it.

oh you want DH to tile your bathroom?
great, you can arrange and pay for our new kitchen to be plumbed in, and we also have a leak in the bathroom -just let me know when your plumber will be around and DH will sort a date for doing your bathroom.

or, you want me to watch your DC for the whole day while you get your nails done? great! i have a long week away with work, I'll need the plants watering on Monday, i'll need the fridge stocked with fresh food on Tuesday, wednesday we need the bins out please, thursday you need to collect dry cleaning for an upcoming wedding, and then friday night (when i arrive back home) i'll need a lift from the train station. no? taht doesn't work for you, an hour a day for 5 days running? never mind.

honestly, i wish i'd grown a backbone. for years we surrendered whole weekends helping other people save money, effort etc and these days i genuinely only help people who i'm very very close to AND don't take the piss, there aren't many of them (and yes, i'm including a lot of family in the "won't help" pot).

what's worse is some of the responses from almost strangers... a neighbour actually said "it'll be good for your portfolio" (for something i'm very well established in, and turn down paid work on, too busy) when he demanded a favour the second time after meeting him... wtf? i just laughed at him and he got all offended - cheeky cunt.

this neighbour is a retired rich guy and i'm a fulltime working mum - i don't go to work to subsidize your pension pot mate.

Both my dad and husband are like this. It's annoying to see them be taken advantage of. They need to be aware of who is asking for a favour and will repay it and who is a c.f.

I agree, ask them a favour in return. If they don't offer a favour back then stop helping.

Oh and make it clear you have plans at certain weekends.

DH is in a trade.
Sometimes I wouldn’t see him at the weekend as he was away fixing things for the others.

Eventually I Said he’s more than welcome to take kids to his next “job” as I’m fed up with being his childminder while 1) he went without backwards glance who’s looking after the kids 2) jobs were not paid 3) we couldn’t get anything done in the house because he was away and I always had the kids.

He slowly started saying “no” and I’m unpopular as the harpy wife answering the phone ( seriously, we had phone calls “tell your DH my heating’s not working”) and saying he’s not available.
I had one guy swearing on the doorstep ( told him to fuck off).

As for the family- MIL currently drives us bonkers with her boiler problems but that’s another story ( it needs replacing but she doesn’t want to)

We have peaceful existence now and hardly anybody calls with requests but it took a few years.

DH still helps out but only in absolute emergencies as wouldn’t see anybody stuck.

We just eliminated the pisstakers

Have you got DC? Because I think the issue of whether him doing all this means you're lumbered with more work is significant here.

@Beeyonce: thank you for sharing that. It was fascinating to watch and see them migrate up the board.

I thought this post was going to be about bee keeping, based on the title, and that your DH was a sought-after bee keeper.

Same here. I was very excited to learn more about how OP knew so many people in need of assistance with their apiaries

@CigarettesAndNoAlcohol

A lovely post.
Really nice to read🙏👍🤣

@FrenchBoule
As for being left with the children all weekend and he's off doing favours for people....he was lucky not to find his bags packed.

Amazing how some people can't say No to anyone except their wives🤨

billy1966 the odd thing about the cheeky fucker neighbour is he doesn't even speak to me any more.

he's in a house worth 3x ours, 4 bedrooms, here we both are working fulltime long hours... and he genuinely thinks i need his retired arse to hand me free work "for my portfolio" when we gather at the community centre for welcome drinks and nibbles to movers to the area...

wtf?

if i had a spare day to myself (or even an hour!) you'd find me in the bath with cucumber over my eyes.
not doing free work for random people.

honestly, op, the most constructive thing here is to translate favours into hours of effort.. time is a universal currency.

articulate the cheeky fuck requests back in that way and i've not had a single taker in years, in fact no one really asks me these days (aside from that batshit neighbour).

Yabu, if he's happy ro do it for free it's up to him. You're not unreasonable to.point out to him that its eating into your time together though.

Yes, she does have a say. It's beginning to impact on OP and their home life, so she can be pissed off about it if she wants.

Did you miss the bit where I said that was a separate issue and needs a discussion?

I would find it annoying if my OH was being taken advantage of
He isn’t being taken advantage of, not in his opinion. He is helping his friends and happy to do it. It’s not up to the OP to decide he is being taken advantage of because she wouldn’t be as keen to do the same thing for her friends and family without some kind of quid pro quo.

Do you not have friends? Why would you be sat at home on your own?

@Atthrpointofbreaking

Actually I don’t. I started dating DH at 15 and it was always just us. We went to school and the uni together. Took the exact same courses and didn’t really mix. We have two ‘joint friends’ and that’s it. I’m very awkward around other people now and I don’t make friends easily.

Anyway an update.
DH and I went over to this persons today. He wasn’t home, only his wife and their four children. She was surprised to see me and showed us to the job in question. She then said if she’d known I’d be coming over, she’d have had a tidy around and got some biscuits in. I said ‘no need, we won’t be here too long anyway will we?’.

She replied that wasn’t DH going to do x, y, z? DH said ‘Dave asked for help, but if he’s not here, how can I help him?’ She said he’s been called to work so DH said, we’ll leave it then and he can call to arrange another time.
Wife then proceeded to show DH the job, but DH just said he’d give Dave a hand no problem, but for Dave to let him know when he was off again.
It was a teeny bit awkward and we then left. I also commented that I’d come over when DH did, as I hated being left at home bored during our holiday time together, so get those biscuits stocked up!

To clarify DH doesn’t mind helping, but even he was annoyed that friend wasn’t even there today.

We then went to the pub and DH bought me dinner. Having a nice evening in the sunshine together

We then went to the pub and DH bought me dinner. Having a nice evening in the sunshine together

Yay!