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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband’s in high demand to do freebie work for others

140 replies

DBML · 29/07/2020 23:17

My husband is very handy. Great at practical jobs; painting and decorating; tiling; flooring siliconing; and overall a bit of a perfectionist. It’s wonderful having such a talented husband as our home is lovely and we don’t have to pay anyone for the luxury of that.

However, his work does not go un-noticed and family and friends are starting to ask for dh to go and do for for them on his days off.

For instance, his brother needs his bathroom tiled, grouted and siliconed and asked for DH’s help...which translates to DH doing it. He obviously does it for free, but doesn’t even get a bottle of beer as a thank you. It’s just expected.

DH’s friend also needs ‘help’ with tiling his house with brick slips. So not small jobs.

DH is so good natured and happy to help, he just does it. But it means that on days we have off together, I’m sat at home on my own. Yes, I could go out and do stuff by myself, but damn-it, I like spending time with my husband and don’t appreciate him coming home tired; filthy and with an aching back.

He’s off to another relative tomorrow and I’m pissed off, so I’ve told him that I’d like to do something tomorrow. He’s already agreed to help, so doesn’t want to let the person down. He doesn’t understand why I’m so annoyed.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Jokie · 30/07/2020 05:45

I can see why you're annoyed but I think you need to manage expectations with your DH about his time off and what you want as "family time". I'd also point out to him that he's not getting anything in return (or maybe ask that in a rhetorical way).

My dad was similar growing up and was always willing to help someone but when we needed any help, it always fell to one or two friends to help.

liaun · 30/07/2020 06:14

If he's happy to do it, leave him to it. It sounds like any other hobby- if you want him to spend more time with you rather than go to the pub/watch football/grout bathrooms, you've got to approach it that way

ABC12310111213 · 30/07/2020 06:31

I have this too. People are always asking me to do work for free because of what my job is. I have started saying no as it has become too much and I quite simply don't have the time. People have been most put out and some even continue to ask for me to do it even though I've already told them no twice. This ridculous

I think if your husband has already said he would do the job then he needs to do it, but perhaps he needs to take on less in future as people are clearly taking advantage

SteelyPanther · 30/07/2020 06:39

This would pee me off too.

Bluemoooon · 30/07/2020 07:00

He can help but needs to be less obliging so maybe help on a Saturday nmorning only? or he's busy but will help in a week's time.
I've never arranged a job and had the workman walk in the next day and finish a great job - it's always a wait for a good workman and they often go off to finish another job in the middle of it. AND theyr'e being paid.

Pinklynx · 30/07/2020 07:06

I think it's completely ridiculous to expect someone to do a whole week's work for free, even if it's a friend or family member unless that person is regularly doing things in return for you. And it sounds like they're not at all. For some reason on mn we're not allowed to offer any opinion to our spouses. In the real world if my husband is giving up excessive family time to help others who aren't even appreciative I'm going to have something to say about it!

Daisydoesnt · 30/07/2020 07:08

It’s a freebie! Not a free-bee

Esspee · 30/07/2020 07:08

My OH is very like your husband. Our neighbour came back from his 5 mile run yesterday just as my OH was leaving their place having spent the afternoon rehanging their shed door on his own.
When I pointed out how ridiculous that was he just didn’t get it. Some men are just too nice for their own good.
Personally I think your husband should let it be known that he is setting up a sideline business helping with odd jobs to raise money for a new whatever......... Car, extension, holiday. Then whenever asked you can say he can call round to give a quote. That should fix it.

Russellbrandshair · 30/07/2020 07:12

Yeah your husband is being totally taken advantage of here. Why should he give up his weekends to help people who wouldn’t lift a finger to help you guys out if you needed it? It’s wonderful he’s so kind but you need to have a chat with him and explain that whilst you admire his kindness and generosity you feel people are now taking the piss and it’s affecting your weekends together.

DoctorYang · 30/07/2020 07:24

Disappointed that this isn't actually about freeing bees.

FrankieChips · 30/07/2020 07:25

My relatives are all trades people and we often call on them for jobs but wouldn’t dream of not paying them! They often just ask for a small amount, sometimes nothing at all but when they say they don’t want anything we usually give their kids some money instead for a treat. His relatives sound awful!

damnthatanxiety · 30/07/2020 07:29

Guineapigbridge there is kindness and then there is being a doormat. And what's the bet these people will not be there when you need their help. Takers rarely are.

Tlollj · 30/07/2020 07:34

I think he likes doing it because it makes him feel important and needed and special.
What he can’t see that his most important job is being at home with his family.

speakout · 30/07/2020 07:40

He chooses to do other things than spend time with you OP.
As others say- no different to going to the pub or watching/playing football in terms of time and commitment.

In your situation OP I would be backing off rather than trying to reel him in. If my OH put such a low priority on time with me then I would be making myself less available- not more.
I would be making sure I had other plans when I knew he was coming home after doing a favour for somone, there would be no dinner ready, and I would be off visiting a friend, making sure I was back late.

Making less of myself available may make him realise how valuable you are.

BumblePan · 30/07/2020 07:41

You will get plenty work, when you work for free!

Dozer · 30/07/2020 07:43

Your DH is the main problem here! Whatever his motivation for doing all this (people pleasing?) it’s at the expense of time with and energy for his ‘nuclear’ family.

Quarantimespringclean · 30/07/2020 07:43

Try a different approach. Instead of being pissed off and criticising him for being a soft touch, show him your vulnerability. Tell him ‘ I get lonely when you are off all day helping other people. It makes me feel like you prefer their company to mine. I want us to spend time together so I feel important to you and close to you.’ He clearly likes to be needed and maybe he doesn’t realise how much you need him too.

Obviously only say all that if it’s true. It would be dishonest and manipulative to say it if it’s not true. If the truth is that you are actually just pissed off at him for being a soft touch, then stick with your current approach - but if that’s the case then perhaps think about why his self esteem might benefit from spending time with people who need him and value his talents rather than a critical wife.

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 30/07/2020 07:44

@user1471528245

That's outrageous! What a CF that (non) friend was

Dashel · 30/07/2020 07:46

My DH is like yours and before we moved away he used to do a lot of favours for people like fitting a kitchen putting in a new floor and tiling or a whole new bathroom. Thankfully when we started dated he finished his agreed jobs and spent time with me instead.

When we got a new house it was telling who offered help and who didn’t.

WinnieLowCo · 30/07/2020 08:02

That would annoy me too. The first request wouldn't have annoyed me, or the second. But the expectation that you sit around doing all of the childcare while he's out helping them..................... You need to start being busy at the weekend.

WinnieLowCo · 30/07/2020 08:05

@Esspee

My OH is very like your husband. Our neighbour came back from his 5 mile run yesterday just as my OH was leaving their place having spent the afternoon rehanging their shed door on his own. When I pointed out how ridiculous that was he just didn’t get it. Some men are just too nice for their own good. Personally I think your husband should let it be known that he is setting up a sideline business helping with odd jobs to raise money for a new whatever......... Car, extension, holiday. Then whenever asked you can say he can call round to give a quote. That should fix it.

Yeh that guy was a CF. Even if he couldn't have helped, he should have stood there, chatted, offered tea. He shouldn't have gone out for a run. Wow.

diggadoo · 30/07/2020 08:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

thecatsthecats · 30/07/2020 08:12

He doesn’t need to do anything of the sort. The only person passed off about it is the OP. She said he’s happy to help. Maybe he really enjoys doing these DIY projects in his spare time, like a hobby. Maybe he enjoys helping out his friends and family. If he wants to do it, why should the fact the OP thinks he is taken advantage of stop him?

I agree with this, though there does need to be balance.

I enjoy knocking around with projects, tinkering and doing the big jobs (I wish I was as handy as this).

Like with any hobby, he should respect its impact on family life, but the fact that OP sees it, at least a little, as a favour that needs repaying is not her husband's problem.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 30/07/2020 08:13

I sympathise OP. I've had similar issues in the past. I'm reasonable at sewing, and used to make jewellery. Friends would produce broken jewellery to fix, and I've had the neighbours bring round a fishing bag to mend, when I really was quite ill with a virus. I fixed the bag, but barely got a thank you, and it's only that they're neighbours that I just gritted my teeth over it tbh. The jewellery required some more equipment than I'd got, which I had to borrow. I did get thanked, but it would be nice to get a box of chox or something. These people are taking the wee-wee. They COULD get it fixed somewhere else, but you know, they might have to actually get their hand in the old pocket I have declined further requests on the grounds of lack of more specialist jewellery equipment (true) and my sewing machine not working at the moment (not true). People will take you for a mug, if you let them. I think I was suprised at the CF of it at first tbh, because I wouldn't dream of it without either offering to pay, and if that was declined, bringing a gift. These people can afford to pay btw.
Another way of looking at it is your DH is sacrificing your family time to do this, so it doesn't just have an impact on him. If affects your family, and you should have a say in it. As previously mentioned, you are booked up, at Aunt Beryl's 80th birthday party, that weekend, and the weekend after that you may need to wash your hair, if you don't want a convo about it.

JMG1234 · 30/07/2020 08:17

My parents are elderly and totally hopeless at DIY. My husband is great at DIY, we call him Mr Fix-It. Occasionally, my parents will reluctantly ask him to look at a broken light or whatever. They wouldn't dream of asking him to do anything over an hour or two, perhaps four times a year.

He is also laidback and kind-hearted and has offered to fit a new kitchen and bathroom for my parents, but they wouldn't dream of him taking holiday to labour for them. So I think it's extremely cheeky for anyone to ask for someone to come and give up their free time to work in their house. Helping parents is understandable but others should pay someone like the rest of us do, or learn to do it themselves.

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