Husband’s in high demand to do freebie work for others

[DBML]

My husband is very handy. Great at practical jobs; painting and decorating; tiling; flooring siliconing; and overall a bit of a perfectionist. It’s wonderful having such a talented husband as our home is lovely and we don’t have to pay anyone for the luxury of that.

However, his work does not go un-noticed and family and friends are starting to ask for dh to go and do for for them on his days off.

For instance, his brother needs his bathroom tiled, grouted and siliconed and asked for DH’s help...which translates to DH doing it. He obviously does it for free, but doesn’t even get a bottle of beer as a thank you. It’s just expected.

DH’s friend also needs ‘help’ with tiling his house with brick slips. So not small jobs.

DH is so good natured and happy to help, he just does it. But it means that on days we have off together, I’m sat at home on my own. Yes, I could go out and do stuff by myself, but damn-it, I like spending time with my husband and don’t appreciate him coming home tired; filthy and with an aching back.

He’s off to another relative tomorrow and I’m pissed off, so I’ve told him that I’d like to do something tomorrow. He’s already agreed to help, so doesn’t want to let the person down. He doesn’t understand why I’m so annoyed.

AIBU?

I have exactly the same with my husband (electrician who can do most things also). Before we bought our house together he used to say “oh but when we get a house I’ll be able to call in loads of favours” - but fast forward a few years in our lovely house & lo & behold still to see any favours in our benefit. I made him see this but recently him doing all sorts for other people has started to creep back in. YANBU at all, do any of these friends & family ever reciprocate ie are they there for you if you need something from them? It’s so frustrating!

OP my dad was once a typographer but was made redundant when I was around 10 due to technology wiping out his trade. He went on to become a very highly regarded ceramic tiler and enjoyed his work very much. He was the sort to help out customers by doing things like moving the kitchen appliances for them when the delivery people left them ‘kerbside’ or fixing the dodgy toilet cistern “while I’m there”. All for free and despite his excellence in his chosen trade he also massively undercharged his customers. He worked beyond retirement until 2013. Still being generous, still too worried about being kind to charge a rightful amount for the work he did. Unfortunately, for our mother/our family, it meant that tasks around the home and family time was rather neglected - early starts, late nights, Saturdays working... and he was also worn out despite his inability to stop, slow down and say no sometimes. In the summer of 2013 he went on a lovely holiday with our mum and finally seemed to realise that this was what retirement life was about and kind of vowed to rest a little and focus on his wife and, by now, grandchildren. everyone was glad to see this but in July he felt a little sore and unwell. In October he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer having steadily declined since the summer. In November he died.

My mother still has a half tiled bathroom and unfinished utility room. However, the very saddest thing was that he sat in hospital in the 4 weeks between diagnosis and his far too early death - before he rapidly lost the power of speech - and said to me “I’ve been saving all these things to do with the grandchildren” (he’d created a treasure chest of carpentry tools and so on and was going to pass on his skills which sound very similar to those of your husband). He cried when he said this because he realised in that moment that he had lived a generous life full of kindness but that he has run out of time for the people that mattered most.

It breaks my heart to recall this but, please, feel free to tell your DH about my dad. Maybe it’ll resonate.

Having said all of the above, may I just add that my dad’s funeral was packed with people that respected and loved him. Lots of builders and people he bought supplies from, tradesmen, customers, neighbours... you name it. So, if there’s one silver lining here it’s that having a generous and giving husband/family member ultimately gives much pride and, for us, comfort. So even if he doesn’t change his ways because it’s just not who he is, then despite all the CFs many people will be very grateful for him being who he is.

@Ahardyfool

What a heartbreaking story. I’m so sorry that your family lost your kind and wonderful father in such a cruel manner. It really does highlight that we must use our time wisely and spend it with the ones we love as much as possible. Thank you for sharing

“ To him, he’s just being nice.”

He’s not being nice to you though, is he?

Brilliant - that's what your DH should have done. Just perfect.

AHardyFool your post is one of the most affecting ones I’ve ever read on here. Thank you.

@FelicisNox

Hi there, just to clarify this has really only started since lockdown. Before that I really didn’t mind the odd job here and there. It was always very small things, they would maybe take an hour or two to do and he’d be back home. Also people asked very infrequently, maybe a few times a year.

Since lockdown though it’s been bigger jobs and gradually more time consuming and frequent. Things like helping to pull down tiling and re-tile. DH ended up having to take the plasterboard down as the tiles wouldn’t come off easily. He bought the cutter to do this out of our money and ended up replacing the plasterboard at our expense because he was made to feel that it was his fault it came down. And DH is so laid back he just said ‘oh don’t worry about it’. Not to mention his hands and arms were cut up from the sharp tiles he’d been trying to remove with a chisel and hammer.

It’s not like I know in advance and wait until the last minute to complain either. The other day we were sat having tea when relative phoned. DH always puts his phone on loudspeaker and relative says

‘Hey bud, what are you up to tomorrow? Cos, I need to do x,y,z and was hoping for a hand?’

DH looks at me and says ‘I don’t think we have plans? What time were you thinking?’ And it goes from there.

I sit listening and get pissed off. So I tell him. Then we go over and he isn’t even home. Just wanted DH to get on with it.

I will say, we’ve had a lovely couple of days and relative has only sent a text. It said this....

‘?’

That was it. Rude! But typical of some of his family.

Anyway, I’ve made my point thanks to Mumsnet help and DH understands. He didn’t respond to the ‘?’ text and said ‘let him call me and explain what that means’.

Thanks again all.

My Dad is the same, really talented workman and a total perfectionist, he’s done soo much to his brothers and sisters homes but they paid him, and so they should. I think it’s a really strange mindset to not pay someone you’re close to, what’s the alternative? Pay a stranger to do it?

Is he any good at plastering? 😆
Joking....
I pay family members to do jobs. I wouldn’t dream of asking for their time for free.

My husband is exactly the same but with cars and he loves to help. After years of 'family & friends' taking the P* I have spoken up. It's surprising how many 'friends' are off the scene, not one of them (family too) have offered any free help with DIY etc.

Yanbu

My husband is the same. The in laws in particular all always had lists for him which when they live 2hrs away was less than convinient, or we would go to visit and get while your here... meaning I'd be stuck in a very non child friendly house with 4 children while he's up to his eyes in someone else's project. He's got better now but still hates saying no to other people.

You need to make bills out as you're losing out on his time and companionship. Find out going rates for a male escort. That would be the price to charge these people.

How are people getting bee keeping from the word “freebie”?! 🙄😂

The original title has been edited, it was "free-bee".

Weird that MNHQ have edited the thread title, but without their usual note to say that they’ve done so.

Are ‘invisible’ edits by moderators a thing on here now, @MNHQ? It’s obviously fairly trivial in this particular case, but it might not always be.

Wasn’t there something recently where a deliberately edited post was copied onto the MN fb page, but with important explanatory details missing? Can’t recall exactly what happened, anyone else remember more clearly?