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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband’s in high demand to do freebie work for others

140 replies

DBML · 29/07/2020 23:17

My husband is very handy. Great at practical jobs; painting and decorating; tiling; flooring siliconing; and overall a bit of a perfectionist. It’s wonderful having such a talented husband as our home is lovely and we don’t have to pay anyone for the luxury of that.

However, his work does not go un-noticed and family and friends are starting to ask for dh to go and do for for them on his days off.

For instance, his brother needs his bathroom tiled, grouted and siliconed and asked for DH’s help...which translates to DH doing it. He obviously does it for free, but doesn’t even get a bottle of beer as a thank you. It’s just expected.

DH’s friend also needs ‘help’ with tiling his house with brick slips. So not small jobs.

DH is so good natured and happy to help, he just does it. But it means that on days we have off together, I’m sat at home on my own. Yes, I could go out and do stuff by myself, but damn-it, I like spending time with my husband and don’t appreciate him coming home tired; filthy and with an aching back.

He’s off to another relative tomorrow and I’m pissed off, so I’ve told him that I’d like to do something tomorrow. He’s already agreed to help, so doesn’t want to let the person down. He doesn’t understand why I’m so annoyed.

AIBU?

OP posts:
OneMoreForExtra · 30/07/2020 00:14

Oh and if I asked any of them to babysit/ help us/ do something in return, we wouldn’t see them for months! They’d disappear in a flash

Tells you everything you need to know OP

My DH is handy too, but always quotes for his time. He puts in lots of extra effort and as a result gets loads of work and recommendations from friends and family. No CFs, everyone happy.

onlinelinda · 30/07/2020 00:14

Kindness is one thing but being taken advantage of is another.

Original poster
DBML · 30/07/2020 00:16

@Guineapigbridge

It only really started with lockdown and when everyone began to do work on their houses.
I think DH was flattered that people thought his work was so good, they wanted his help on their homes.

I don’t tend to plan in advance (though I will from this point on) so DH didn’t see any harm in going to help.

He suggested we both go and I can chip in helping (not on your life) or I can chat to the wives/sisters/kids while I wait (again, not really how I want to spend my time off).

I guess today is the first I’ve gotten grumpy over it, so we’ll see how it pans out going forward. I know he hates to upset anyone, including me, so I think he’ll at least ask first in future. I just wanted to know if I was being selfish and grumpy or if I was being reasonably pissed off.

OP posts:
onlinelinda · 30/07/2020 00:17

Also, he is letting you be taken advantage of as well, if you're left alone with the children. I definitely wouldn't tolerate that week in week out.

MintyMabel · 30/07/2020 00:18

He needs to learn to say NO, Unless he’s getting something in return

He doesn’t need to do anything of the sort. The only person passed off about it is the OP. She said he’s happy to help. Maybe he really enjoys doing these DIY projects in his spare time, like a hobby. Maybe he enjoys helping out his friends and family. If he wants to do it, why should the fact the OP thinks he is taken advantage of stop him?

The issue is she is annoyed he isn’t spending time with her when she wants him to, and that needs a discussion, but she has no place to tell him he shouldn’t be doing DIY projects for other people.

Original poster
DBML · 30/07/2020 00:21

@onlinelinda

We only have one and he’s a self sufficient teen. No child care excuses now, but in my son’s whole life, collectively all these relatives and friends helped out or babysat a grand total of zero times for us, even when we really could have done with a night off. That’s fine as well, no problem, but they seem quick now to ask DH to put up a fence or tile a kitchen.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 30/07/2020 00:22

My DH helps all his friends and family...and his friends help us. DH is a decorator and often mucks in and his electrician friend does things too.

They all help one another...I think it's nice.

Original poster
DBML · 30/07/2020 00:25

@MintyMabel

To a certain extent he does enjoy it and it is a bit of a hobby. But, unlike a normal hobby, he can’t drop it when he’s had enough. He has to work a finish a job; come home with his back aching and unable to help with the bins for instance because he’s in too much pain from stretching and lifting all day.
He might not mind that, but it’s really not fair. I do think I deserve a say.

OP posts:
Original poster
DBML · 30/07/2020 00:26

@FortunesFave

Sadly none of these people have ever or will ever contribute to our homes/lives. I tend to hear off most of them when they want something e.g. work done or to borrow money. There is no give and take here.

OP posts:
MintyMabel · 30/07/2020 00:27

He might not mind that, but it’s really not fair. I do think I deserve a say.

No you don’t. Not if he doesn’t mind it. He is an adult who can make his own decisions. Don’t think it is up to you to be pissed off on his behalf if he isn’t pissed off himself.

honeygirlz · 30/07/2020 00:29

YANBU. They're CFs.

Original poster
DBML · 30/07/2020 00:29

@MintyMabel
I’m pissed off on my behalf, not his.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 30/07/2020 00:36

@MintyMabel

He might not mind that, but it’s really not fair. I do think I deserve a say.

No you don’t. Not if he doesn’t mind it. He is an adult who can make his own decisions. Don’t think it is up to you to be pissed off on his behalf if he isn’t pissed off himself.

Yes, she does have a say. It's beginning to impact on OP and their home life, so she can be pissed off about it if she wants.
MintyMabel · 30/07/2020 00:36

I’m pissed off on my behalf, not his.

Which is equally as ridiculous. If he’s not unhappy helping out, why would you be?

Him not spending time with you is a separate issue. Deal with that if you need to, but being annoyed that he helps other people is weird.

Regretsy · 30/07/2020 00:37

Wow they are CF’s, I’ve tiled two rooms in my house by myself, it looks pretty good, but if anyone asked me to do theirs for free I’d think it was a hilarious joke. It’s hard work.

curiousierandcouriser · 30/07/2020 00:51

Which is equally as ridiculous. If he’s not unhappy helping out, why would you be?

Him not spending time with you is a separate issue. Deal with that if you need to, but being annoyed that he helps other people is weird.

I would find it annoying if my OH was being taken advantage of. He is working until he is too tired to help at home on those days. I would also be annoyed if OH played football all day / week, came home late and couldn't help out.

Honestly, I think your best solution would be to make sure you "book" time with him in advance - even if you just say "every Saturday is 'couple time'" (or which ever days work for you). It doesn't need to be specific, just so he knows not to make commitments then.

SeasickPenguin · 30/07/2020 00:51

I have done so much for family and friends.

I used to love helping them.

Hand made invitations, flowers, clothing alterations, bouquets, headdresses, cakes, a multitude of wedding/party hand crafted bits, I've even done whole weddings. Catering. Painting and decorating too

They always show up when they want something bespoke on the cheap, never pay enough for the materials, pay nothing for time/labour, fuck off and leave you to it, show frustration if you need to ask them questions about their preferences, show up when it's finished, pick a few nits and fuck off again not to to be seen till the next time they want something.

I no longer help any of them. Not seeing them is much preferable to seeing them only to get used.

PotatoBasher · 30/07/2020 00:53

I guess he will need to learn to say 'no' or just wait for the novelty to wear off.

A close relative of mine always asked people to help him- huge extension and renovation of a rundown house. Lots of trades in the family, so achieved a lot.
Then the people who had provided their skills asked this relative for help- he gave them quotes for the work. He is not a trade person, just a CF.

Now everyone avoids him like the plague.
Your husband should offer quotes- it certainly thins the crowd.

BitOfFun · 30/07/2020 01:00

He's still doing them a huge favour to complete the work reliably and to a high standard, even if he charges them for his time at a discount.

I really do think he needs to say that he's unavailable more though- why should you miss out on your lovely husband's time off?

tricky29 · 30/07/2020 02:06

My Dad was just like this when I was growing up. It was the only friction between my parents. My Dad had/has an inability to say no.

Maybe help him to stall a person when they ask... ‘ I need to see what we (family)have on and then ‘sorry, can’t commit to that.’

If he always says yes, people will always ask/expect.

wibdib · 30/07/2020 02:31

Go with your dh next time he goes to his brothers to do some more work and talk about how lovely it is that dh is teaching him how to do it, bro will have such a sense of achievement when he’s managed to do so much himself, not sure how long dh will need to stay to get bro off to a good start, hoping to have a nice lunch out as he deserves a treat after being in such pain after finishing last time, hope they have plenty of radox and beer for bro doing the rest of it... etc etc And then as it gets later ask dh if bro has still not got the hang of it yet... make sure they at least feed you both if you don’t manage to get away!

For the job that will take a week - that needs to be nipped in the bud early by pointing out that dh has limited holidays and he can’t spend such a huge chunk doing free work for others. Make a list (with him!) of all the work that you want to do on your own house that takes priority. Maybe get dh to say he is happy to look over the quotes they get for the work or go to look at examples of work so they hopefully find something good but that it’s just not possible to fit everything in to life that he wants to do at the moment so he can’t spend a full week of spare time doing this.

Gingerkittykat · 30/07/2020 03:08

I would feel like contacting the people involved and asking them how much the work DH is doing would cost to have done professionally and point out how much of his time it is taking to do.

alexdgr8 · 30/07/2020 03:33

i can see why you are annoyed, but i don't think your husband is wrong.
it is the other people who are using him who are in the wrong.
try not to be snippy with him.
is there any way you can intercept their requests and try to head them off or limit them.

i think he should at least charge them something, because otherwise they just take him for granted.
i was going to suggest you go with him, to act as mate, so that you presence might shame them a bit, but you don't like that idea.
it is really horrible to see a good person, esp one who is dear to you, taken advantage of. but don't blame him. he is the good one.

Sh05 · 30/07/2020 03:53

It's not unreasonable of you to mind but if he enjoys doing these things then it's also not unreasonable of him to volunteer or spend his days off helping friends or family.

RaisinGhost · 30/07/2020 05:35

I would find it annoying if my OH was being taken advantage of.

People who enjoy this type of thing aren't being taken advantage of though - they enjoy it. My ex dp used to really love doing stuff like this. It was as much a favour for him as it was for them (probably more so because he always did a shit job!). It's the same as if he was playing a sport every weekend instead of spending time with you - you wouldn't blame his sports team, it's entirely his decision.